OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

Well you have already said it, does that make you a dick then? This is exactly my point. The calculating is happening whether you’re using it as ammunition or not. In your case maybe you’re not (yet). In the OP’s case her husband definitely is.

Well clearly something has to change because this is not currently a happy household. However the issue I take with the whole thing isn't with the possibilities and practicalities of what they do about it, it's the fact that according to the OP her husband will not engage in a sensible conversation about it. He is dismissive and unrealistic. Nothing gets sorted out when one person behaves like that, regardless of which person is wrong or right. Yep, quite probably he's sruggling, burned out or whatever, but neither he nor she can fix it until he starts to actually engage with the problem instead of just throwing demands at her to fix things.

@GreenLemonHedgehog is he usually this obtuse and difficult?

And again, pissing contest - I've openly said she does more than I, but again, I could be a dick and say I earn 8x more than her.

It means nothing as we are a team, sometimes (most times) she does more around the house, sometimes (most times) I earn more than her. But that's not to say I don't place any value on what she brings. It would be very dull if we were exactly the same.

For all we know, they're just a month away from missing rent/mortgage payments, and his partner is doing voluntary work and he's asked for help - which gives a slightly different spin on things.

Exactly this. If money is even the slightest concern, it's time for unpaid voluntary work to go.

People very quickly forget that this is OP’s children’s father we are talking about. How disrespectful to disregard all that he’s bringing to the table as well as OP. They’re both of equal value here. He has contributed massively financially, as well as helping OP produce children!

He has no ambition he ain’t worth nothing?

Jesus, this is misandry at best!

That was me. In response to the OP’s husband clearly feeling that she is not bringing enough “value” to the family. So many men seem to only respond to pounds and pence so I think it would be a very worthwhile endeavour for every single woman to keep a tally of exactly how much “value” she brings to her family day in and day out. That might wake up a couple of these misogynists.

But yeah, I’m sure your wife’s labour pales in comparison to the couple of hours you spent clearing some drains that one time.

The op did say he earns more than her, and if she was to work and he stayed at home then she wouldn't earn as much as him. I think she should continue to volunteer and build her experience and hopefully that will lead to the job she wants. Hopefully, he was having a rough day and thought he would take it out on the op.

He has no ambition. He ain't worth nothing.

Once again. You don't know this.

One of those days she volunteers and she will eventually get a term time job working for whom ever it is. She did say she was getting a pay increase for her current job. She isn't doing nothing.

I didn't say she was 'doing nothing', and the term time job with the LA she is hoping for is speculative – she got rejected from an interview and they said she could try again in the future. Nothing guaranteed or even firm.

He has more opportunities than the op someone has to look after their young children. The op is working part time and looking after the children. He needs to up his game.

They BOTH have opportunities. The OP has two days where she is not working.

The op knows she can't rely on them because of their age and health. Where as he wants to says a lot about him and his character.

He can have his own opinion on the health and ability of his mother too.

What I'm seeing is that your partner is trying to cope by vaguely saying he "feels weighed down by being the breadwinner" and then making specific demands on you - "he expects me to bring in 2k pm" - instead of coping properly by telling you what the real problem is - "I am having to work too many hours" or "I find the uncertainty of my job too stressful" or "my company is about to go bust" or "I can't cope with the demands of 4 young children and a challenging job". It all gets very tied up in not wanting to admit there is a problem at work, fear of failure and fear of admitting weakness. Easier to blame you and the children.

One question you could ask him is - is this an emergency? And if so what kind of emergency is it?

You could put your career plans on hold and let the house go to pot while you take whatever fulltime job is going if this is a real emergency - whether that's a mental health crisis or a cashflow crisis in his company.

And is it a short-term or long-term emergency? Your mother might be able to pick up childcare for a couple of weeks in a crisis while you sort yourselves out but it's not realistic to expect a 73 year old to care for four infant-school children five days a week in the longer term.

Framing it in a more neutral non-personal way "an emergency" or "a long term problem that we need to solve" might make it easier for him to tell you what's going on and for both of you to find a way forward.

In which case they need to talk and he needs to be honest about whether his business is in trouble etc and not just give her an unrealistic goal of 2k a month which frankly it is we’re achievable whilst looking after 4 children we all would look at

he cannot just pass this onto her

It sounds there is some serious problem with the business that he has not shared with you that is triggering this sudden 180 from him. You need to get to the bottom of that.

If the business is on the verge of failing and him going bankrupt then you need to know and yes it would explain his fears and stress. And if that is what’s going on, then whether you are working 3 days or 4, or 5, is the tip of the iceberg really.

It’s sadly also not at all uncommon for men who are the main breadwinner to not ask for help at all, hide the fact they have lost their job, business has failed etc until they are literally at the point of breaking - and too often it proves fatal. The statistics bear witness to this risk.

Doesn’t excuse how he is approaching it at all - but people in mental distress are rarely considerate or patient or reasonable. He has supported you through your own mental ill-health - it sounds like he now needs that support for himself also.

So I would focus on that first - it is important to understand the why - why now - as it will likely impact on all of you and could have serious implications, financially and personally. He doesn’t get to keep stuff like this from you - he needs to be honest.

It was a reply to someone saying the OP should present a bill for all the things she does. It was a comprassion as to just how ridiculous that argument was. espically not knowing what he actually does.

I'd be happy to add my wifes labour to the conversation, absurd as that is, I could say' I'd leave her and have an au pair.

You're putting a monetary value on raising kids, which, if I were being a complete dick, you could argue is £12.21 per hour - regardless of role.

Exactly – you don't know. Don't assume. Get information, THEN give relevant advice, especially when you're going to state it as fact.

He has no ambition. He ain't worth nothing.

She can work the other two days per week that she doesn't currently work.

One of those days she volunteers and she will eventually get a term time job working for whom ever it is. She did say she was getting a pay increase for her current job. She isn't doing nothing.

Why is it him that 'needs' to sort it? They need to sort it together. The burden is on both to find a solution that works for both.

He has more opportunities than the op someone has to look after their young children. The op is working part time and looking after the children. He needs to up his game.

They don't have 'elderly ill parents', She remarked one was 73 and 'not in the best health'. I am not saying to use as childcare, but don't add it to the list of burdens as though it is one – because again, you don't know.

The op knows she can't rely on them because of their age and health. Where as he wants to says a lot about him and his character.

@Tiswa , there must be some very old stereotypes going around because in my friend group, I can only think of a handful of women who outearn their partners, but zero of the others expect their partners to match their wage or expect them to be a skivvy.

I'm sure it happens, but there's been no context about her partner, and the very first response was to leave him. I'm not excusing the way he speaks, but we're only getting a quarter of the story. For all we know, they're just a month away from missing rent/mortgage payments, and his partner is doing voluntary work and he's asked for help - which gives a slightly different spin on things.

The question is how ambitious is he.

Exactly – you don't know. Don't assume. Get information, THEN give relevant advice, especially when you're going to state it as fact.

There is nothing more the op can reasonably do.

She can work the other two days per week that she doesn't currently work.

Its relevant because it's not her it's him he needs to sort it.

Why is it him that 'needs' to sort it? They need to sort it together. The burden is on both to find a solution that works for both.

elderly ill parents.

They don't have 'elderly ill parents', She remarked one was 73 and 'not in the best health'. I am not saying to use as childcare, but don't add it to the list of burdens as though it is one – because again, you don't know.

I don’t think you have the finances to allow you to do a day per week of volunteering. That will have to be replaced with paid work at a minimum. Could you look into some evening work? But of course that means DH will have to be home and in charge of the children.

Look into what it will cost for school holiday care for 4 children, because I expect that will very quickly make your full time hours pay increase disappear, on top of wraparound care.

He does sound as though he’s mentally struggling. But also isn’t being practical about his expectations. If you work full time, on top of the extortionate childcare fees you’ll be looking at for 4 children, he’ll have to do 50% of all housework, life admin, taking time off to look after children when they’re sick, school runs (depending on both your hours). Is he prepared to do all of that?

But as a very minimum, you should give up the day of volunteering for paid work.

Sorry if this has already been asked as I had to skim, but my main question to him would be how you working more hours would make him less stressed? Unless the stress is solely due to not making ends meet at the moment (which I don't think you've mentioned), or he plans to leave his job as soon as you increase your hours (which sounds like it's impossible as he's the higher earner) then surely he'll still be just as stressed in his current role PLUS he'll have to take on much more housework and maybe even school runs and so on than he does just now? So by you working more, it sounds to me like that will solve nothing for him. Even if it's financial, you'd end up losing it all on childcare costs. It just sounds like his job stresses him out too much and he should look for a new one.

I don't think the perspective is relevant when half of the picture is unknown.

We don't know if his job brings in 'so little', because don't know what their income and outgoings are. We don't know if they are living life beyond their means and he is at the ceiling of his business profit. We don't know if it's failing and his anxious. We don't know if he sits around doing nothing and could generate far more income with more effort. We literally know nothing.

I don't think it's bonkers to suggest parents as at least partial afterschool childcare. Plenty of people do this. The OP doesn't agree with it, maybe for valid reasons. Maybe he disagrees with it for valid reasons. Again – we simply don't know.

Well you have highlighted it and added a value to the work-why is that?

Have you ever sat down to calculate the cost of your wife’s labour? Let’s add that to the conversation shall we?

You can either be a genuine partnership and share things and look after each other or not.

What a lot of men expect these days is to be treated like “traditional” men, i.e. do very little if any childcare or domestic labour, dismiss their wives’ needs and expect them to fall in line, but then expect their wives to still match them in terms of work, earnings and a financial contribution. It is utter bullshit. A “traditional” man earns enough to keep his wife and his family. If he can’t, then he needs to buck his ideas up and start treating his wife like a partner instead of talking to her like shit. That’s what I mean.

So yes, in the OP’s husband’s shoes I would be ashamed that I was not earning enough to keep my wife and 4 children. Because the big man clearly feels like he can degrade and dismiss his wife for “not doing enough” when he is clearly the one who is failing.

And don’t get me started on that privilege nonsense. Utterly typical to attempt to use perfectly legitimate arguments about how privilege works to try and justify why a grown man is mistreating his wife. Disgusting behaviour.

Did you not read?

'I didn't say look at me, marvel at this work I have done', it's just a job that needs doing in the house, like showering our son, if I'm caught at work or out, it just falls onto the next responsible adult.

You're attempting to turn it into a pissing contest.

To you it is not in the business world it is and the MBA teaches you that. The question is how ambitious is he. There is nothing more the op can reasonably do. He needs to SWOT what he is doing and see where he can make improvements. What he's asking for is unreasonable from his partner/wife. Its relevant because it's not her it's him he needs to sort it. She needs to see that. Has he done a SWOT on his wife and whether she can work full time with young children and elderly ill parents.

@40YearOldDad he runs his own company so I think we can make inferences from that and the fact that he wants her to make 2k a month how much he is bringing in but also the hours he does

the problem isn’t the traditional man approach or the we are a team approach - the issue is men who want everything they want their contributions to the family as main breadwinner to be sacrosanct (so can’t possibly do school runs/admin or household tasks) but want their wives to contribute financially so finances are near enough 50/50 and everything else well just isn’t their job.

what are you? Becuase it is only the 3rd approach as above that is really problematic

I'd agree with this somewhat. I think when you have a traditional set up, the issue is more often incomprehension of the other's experience, exacerbated by one's experience being relative. As opposed to deliberate and malignant undervaluing of experience.

A poster mentioned studies being done on this. There is also research to show that non-traditional set ups (whereby an equal division of domestic labour and childcare) report high relationship and marriage satisfaction. Additional to this, traditional set ups only reported similar happiness when one party preferred not to work at all and the other party earned enough to enable the other party not to work.