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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

467 replies

GreenLemonHedgehog · 02/09/2025 22:19

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

OP posts:
Didimum · 03/09/2025 20:44

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 20:24

You have nothing to add or give.

Show quote history

I’ve added plenty of practical advice. All you’ve talked about it your business and made up fiction about OP’s partner. And your sole piece of advice is the partner should ‘do better in business’, without knowing anything about what he actually does or their outgoings.

Didimum · 03/09/2025 20:42

fairydustt · 03/09/2025 20:29

Really? In my experience it’s easier to find full time work than part time work

Show quote history

Definitely. She could take a full time job and they could take an initial hit with wraparound care bills and she’ll likely make that £2k a month, and then see much more career progression and salary improvement over the same period of time as waiting for the volunteer work to pay off – and even that will only be term time.

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 20:40

fairydustt · 03/09/2025 20:29

Really? In my experience it’s easier to find full time work than part time work

Show quote history

Not my daughter's. They are struggling it could be the area I live in. I've even looked at apprenticeships for them there is nothing. The only way out is education and a driver's licence. They need work to pay for lessons.

Didimum · 03/09/2025 20:39

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 20:23

You're making this thread about you. Do you have any experience or wisdom to offer rather than having small talk with me?

Show quote history

How, exactly, am I making this thread about me? All you’ve done is bang on about your partner’s business, what an MBA will teach you, how many kids you have, what area your business is in, how much money you managed to make … Christ, I know more about you than the OP (and I didn’t even ask). I’m not the one making this thread about me. I’m asking you questions based on your replies and you are barely answering anything.

Givenupshopping · 03/09/2025 20:34

You say that your husband has his own company, is it in trouble OP? Could that be why he's suddenly done an about face? Would he tell you if it were that, or is he the sort of macho man who won't admit the company is in trouble until it's too late? I ask this as there simply has to be some big reason why he's suddenly expecting to change from what was agreed.

Also, I know you said the twins weren't planned as you were on the pill, but did you and your DH sit down and discuss how life with FOUR children would be, before committing to go ahead with the pregnancy?

CharlieEffie · 03/09/2025 20:31

Tell him that if you do this then school run/pick up and all jobs relating to that (cooking kids dinner/homework etc becomes HIS responsibility

fairydustt · 03/09/2025 20:29

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 19:32

You're picking on a woman who's children were previously in nursery for 3 days a week. She wants to look after her children. It's not as simple as go and find a full time job. My daughter's have no children and they find it hard all they've found is part time work.

Edited
Show quote history

Really? In my experience it’s easier to find full time work than part time work

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 20:24

Didimum · 03/09/2025 20:15

You’re just writing fiction now. You have precisely zero of any of this information.

Show quote history

You have nothing to add or give.

lizzyBennet08 · 03/09/2025 20:23

To be fair you do work incredibly little over the course of a year . I get that he feels all the pressure is on him and you are just making excuses as why you can't help out more.

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 20:23

Didimum · 03/09/2025 20:17

Are you going to answer any of the questions I am asking about your posts, or just keep saying random, irrelevant stuff?

The latter, I guess.

Show quote history

You're making this thread about you. Do you have any experience or wisdom to offer rather than having small talk with me?

fairydustt · 03/09/2025 20:21

Caroparo52 · 03/09/2025 18:42

Show him what ft working really looks like.
No food cooked or in house. No cleaning or tidying.
House an absolute shit pit.
Kids neglected and miserable and hungry and bored and possibly missing.
You not available to collect dc when school calls. He has to leave work and do it. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Arsehole.

I mean.. this is not the reality of having 2 parents that work full time…
at least it doesn’t have to be.

Didimum · 03/09/2025 20:17

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 20:06

That's why the op posted because that's what he wants her to do find a full time job. It's not as easy as that. He doesn't want her in the house working from home.

Show quote history

Are you going to answer any of the questions I am asking about your posts, or just keep saying random, irrelevant stuff?

The latter, I guess.

Didimum · 03/09/2025 20:15

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 19:51

Op hasn't said that they can't afford the mortgage he is threatening her because he doesn't want her at home. She works from home and he doesn't want that. The problem is her being at home while he is out working. He doesn't respect the job she has at the moment.

Show quote history

You’re just writing fiction now. You have precisely zero of any of this information.

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 20:06

Didimum · 03/09/2025 19:49

What’s the problem with nursery?

I didn’t say she should find a full time job. I said she should increase working to the two days she doesn’t work.

volunteering is a luxury. She isn’t in the position to afford luxuries.

Show quote history

That's why the op posted because that's what he wants her to do find a full time job. It's not as easy as that. He doesn't want her in the house working from home.

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 19:51

Didimum · 03/09/2025 19:46

How is he neglecting his children when he is paying for them?

Plenty of stay at home mums also claim benefits. So what’s your point?

If they can’t afford the house on their income and can’t improve it, then they should sell it.

Show quote history

Op hasn't said that they can't afford the mortgage he is threatening her because he doesn't want her at home. She works from home and he doesn't want that. The problem is her being at home while he is out working. He doesn't respect the job she has at the moment.

Didimum · 03/09/2025 19:49

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 19:32

You're picking on a woman who's children were previously in nursery for 3 days a week. She wants to look after her children. It's not as simple as go and find a full time job. My daughter's have no children and they find it hard all they've found is part time work.

Edited
Show quote history

What’s the problem with nursery?

I didn’t say she should find a full time job. I said she should increase working to the two days she doesn’t work.

volunteering is a luxury. She isn’t in the position to afford luxuries.

Didimum · 03/09/2025 19:46

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 19:30

Op has a job that fits around her children. He threatened to sell the house and stay at home and live on benefits. What a charmer you are defending. If he doesn't want more children he should get the snip and not look at ways of neglecting his children.

Edited
Show quote history

How is he neglecting his children when he is paying for them?

Plenty of stay at home mums also claim benefits. So what’s your point?

If they can’t afford the house on their income and can’t improve it, then they should sell it.

HatandCoat · 03/09/2025 19:40

NeptuneOrion · 03/09/2025 18:44

I smell a rat. Theory: He wants to leave. He needs you to earn more so CM is less harsh on him.

Interesting theory.

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 19:32

Didimum · 03/09/2025 16:59

or dump our children with anyone.

Where did you 'dump' your children when your were working for the business you had with your partner? Wrap around childcare for working parents is not 'dumping' your children.

She has her part time job and she is available for her children.

And two days where she is not working, thus being able to increasing her income by 40% at least.

Show quote history

You're picking on a woman who's children were previously in nursery for 3 days a week. She wants to look after her children. It's not as simple as go and find a full time job. My daughter's have no children and they find it hard all they've found is part time work.

Falseknock · 03/09/2025 19:30

Didimum · 03/09/2025 16:51

You know what does change the fact considering that they have young children? That they could be a couple of months away from not making their mortgage payments, and that'd not any time for working only 3 days a week. To volunteer is a luxury, and it's one that don't have – especially when there's no firm offer at the end of it. The family's financial wellbeing comes first, not flighty half-jobs.

Show quote history

Op has a job that fits around her children. He threatened to sell the house and stay at home and live on benefits. What a charmer you are defending. If he doesn't want more children he should get the snip and not look at ways of neglecting his children.

PeonyPatch · 03/09/2025 19:11

Caroparo52 · 03/09/2025 18:42

Show him what ft working really looks like.
No food cooked or in house. No cleaning or tidying.
House an absolute shit pit.
Kids neglected and miserable and hungry and bored and possibly missing.
You not available to collect dc when school calls. He has to leave work and do it. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Arsehole.

Sounds petty

PeonyPatch · 03/09/2025 19:11

TheKeatingFive · 03/09/2025 18:57

I don't understand why you're having a day off to do volunteering tbh when you have 4 kids and money seems to be a bit of a worry. That seems like a massive luxury that most people could not afford.

I agree with this.

I feel for him. It's very stressful being the main bread winner and with four kids to feed and keep a roof over their heads, that's a lot of pressure. There may be things going on in his industry/company that are making him nervous.

Show quote history

I agree. Also did you discuss any of this before or whilst having children? If money isn’t an issue, then I would agree he’s being bullying and controlling. However if there is financial or work insecurities, then perhaps change is needed

TheKeatingFive · 03/09/2025 18:58

Caroparo52 · 03/09/2025 18:42

Show him what ft working really looks like.
No food cooked or in house. No cleaning or tidying.
House an absolute shit pit.
Kids neglected and miserable and hungry and bored and possibly missing.
You not available to collect dc when school calls. He has to leave work and do it. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Arsehole.

C'mon now, plenty of parents work full time, do their share and this is not the case.

TheKeatingFive · 03/09/2025 18:57

DarlingHoldMyHand · 02/09/2025 23:24

I don't understand why you're having a day off to do volunteering tbh when you have 4 kids and money seems to be a bit of a worry. That seems like a massive luxury that most people could not afford.

Could you drop the volunteering and pick up more paid work?

I don't think it's unreasonable to work part-time hours with 4 kids but the day off for volunteering is very usual.

I don't understand why you're having a day off to do volunteering tbh when you have 4 kids and money seems to be a bit of a worry. That seems like a massive luxury that most people could not afford.

I agree with this.

I feel for him. It's very stressful being the main bread winner and with four kids to feed and keep a roof over their heads, that's a lot of pressure. There may be things going on in his industry/company that are making him nervous.

MumOnBus · 03/09/2025 18:46

Oops, typo, meant to say AREN'T A FINANCIAL DRAG, of course