OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

I do think the one day volunteering could maybe change to a paid work day.

Have you sat down with him and made a plan for what days he will do school drop off/pick up, what household tasks he will take on, how you will divide childcare in the school holidays, what days he will cook? If he says to outsource to holiday programs, price them up and ask how you will divide paying for that. See if it sounds workable. You didn't make these kids all on your own, so he has to step up if he wants you to work hours you are currently home caring for them.

I’d guess he’s like my dh who, while great, seems to think kids would be fine if we both got home at seven o clock in the evening and then collected them from childcare/ wherever he thinks the older kids would go as opposed to my mw job where I can drop them and collect a few times a week, do homework with them etc. It’s not just a man thing, my friend is the higher earner and gives out about her dh wfh so he’s there for the kids, apparently there’s jobs that are in the office that would pay more but it means he wouldn’t get to do collections etc.

She goes quiet when I say how great their set up is and when I suggested they switch and she wfh/ work pt she said basically they both should be ft and the kids can get buses/do homework club etc etc. I think this is an issue that the other person will never ever get unfortunately, personally it surprises me that anyone thinks more money (which would be eaten up by childcare) trumps time with kids

A therapist who imposes their values on someone. Never learned that one at university myself.

This & more of this, then again

what does he do now and how is he going to make is 50%

I think you should tell him to fuck off and stop having tantrums and going against what you have previously agreed.

Women looking after children are always disadvantaged. Can you work out your finances in more detail to see what income is needed and how to achieve this short and long term.

if he wants to stop being the bread winner fine but it needs a long term plan of how to achieve this for both of you.

You know his personality, is he really likely to take on his share of jobs, look after kids during holidays etc or is he just all talk and really expecting you to do it all.

He sounds like an abusive arsehole who isn’t thinking it all through. Can you get him at a rational moment when he will listen?

We have reception age twins and one older one, and are also just coming out of the 6 weeks holidays. OP, you are a bloody hero.

There are a lot of jobs in SEN. Keep upskilling and the work you're looking for will be there. No comment on the husband, there must be a reason you married him, except that once someone has talked to you like that, if you let them get away with it they will always be the person who talked to you like that and got away with it.

A day volunteering...?? Batshit insane.

OP I feel for you. You have explained fully your situation and I think your partner is the one being unfair.

So many people are saying he must be stressed or burnt out. But OP has not given any true evidence of this most posters seem to be assuming this or maybe I am missing something.

OP the way he has spoken sounds bullying to me. Can you ask him if f there are problems at work?

Also I am not sure much of this £2,000 per month will be left if OP is paying out for childcare and cleaners etc. Also where are these fabled jobs everyone seems to be talking about where she can earn loads and still have time for school runs etc. As she pointed out school jobs are not that flexible if you are full time.

4 young kids is a full time job. I am so surprised that so many people think contribution is only in paid labour.

I hope you are okay OP you are not crazy. I really hope your partner calms down and you can talk more rationally about your finances and family life.

@GreenLemonHedgehog hes asking you to take on more because hes struggling with the load of being the breadwinner. It must be a big pressure. Anyone who can afford to do a day volunteering in this climate has a real luxury. You'll regret not doing more when/if things crash and he tells you he told you so. Either do this or make a very good case for how you'd be financially worse off, but in your shoes, id be dropping the volunteering, getting a cleaner and increasing my financial contribution. You'd be screwed if he drops the ball

If your partner is not happy for you to work part time then you've got no choice have you?! I think you are having an easy ride if you've got time to volunteer. Volunteering is a luxury , and imo is for people with a lot of time and money and not much else to do. While I appreciate you are planning on using this experience from volunteering to enhance your cv , you need to think about how being the sole breadwinner might affect your partner's mental health. Unfortunately, most people don't have the luxury of waiting for the perfect job or the luxury of volunteering in the hope of getting a better job in the future while someone else bears the financial burden.

Your not being unreasonable and your plan sounds good. However I would seriously question how well his business is currently doing for him to suddenly be going crazy.

Treating you and your contributions to the home and children so poorly is very unpleasant and likely unforgivable in my opinion.

He is either a total dick. Or the business is massively failing in some way and his mental health is in a terrible way as he attempts to navigate it. His sense of failure and fear could be his reason for lashing out. However this is a unacceptable approach to such a crisis. You both need to work together if your family is facing financial crisis.

You need to probably begin thinking of what your plan for your future would look like without him in it.

"I would give him the responsibility now for all admin related to child 3 and 4 while you do the admin for child 1 and 2"

Lots of people saying stuff like this and is he doing 50% of the housework etc but we don't know how many hours OP's husband works / whether he works weekends or not or how much housework he does at home. Even if she did 5 days 9:00 to 2:30 that's probably still a lot less than he is.

Usually people advise that the amount of free time people have is split equally although with 3 young kids there won't be much.

For all that people say staying at home 4 days a week is still contributing financially it does not keep a roof over your head or food on the table and it sounds like OP's husband is near breaking point.

Sorry but you do need to take on board what your husband is asking of you. Your husband is clearly reaching out for a reason. Personally as a mum of 5 girls who similarly to you are all close in age, I also agree that it is tiring for both of you not just one of you. We paid for help and both continued with our caterers but appreciate that isn't the life everyone wants or can afford. Would a nanny be something of benefit, we have always had a nanny who drops off picks up our children, carries out small chores etc, for us that works out most cost effective way to navigate a working day / school day.

Lots have said it but a day doing housework and a day volunteering is a luxury with all of your children at school. Housework would a cleaner be more cost effective? Spend some time thinking about how the things you feel burdened with can be carried out more efficiently. I had 3 months where I had to reduce my work significantly and I noticed things I would have got done during my working day I was slowing down and taking far more time on when I had more time.

Is there a more junior SEND role you can take on in a paid capacity. Honestly volunteering for a long period as lovely as it is isn't sustainable if your husband is feeling burdened or burnt out or whatever it is that's led him to this moment. I wouldn't ignore it I would try to understand and adjust.

Any man who thinks your 73 year old mother can do the school run for four children is not going to be swayed by some naff list of household tasks. Being the superior being he believes himself to be, he would no doubt think he could do them in a fraction of the time OP does - that was if he had any intention of helping more if OP went back to work which is doubtful.

Please tell me you have joint ownership of the house if you're not married to this man? Why did he say, 'I'll sell the house now, be mortgage free and I'll go and sign on or you can go earn?' Where did he plan for you, him or the children to live in this mortgage and house-free nirvana? I am very much hoping you are either married or co-own the house. If you are not married and have no interest in the house, he could simply throw you out.

Another abusive arsehole man abuses and behaves like an arsehole.

The fact that you are hyper explaining every single detail of your life when it is clear and obvious you are exceptionally busy and involved shows your massive anxiety. The fact that he is verbally abusive to you is just another reason to do it on your own.

What would your life look like without him? It sounds like all he contributes is money.

If you think about being a single parent, do you feel a sense of relief at him no longer being able to be verbally abusive on a whim, disrespectful and no longer able to easily make your life harder and worse?

Get legal advice for how much child support he would have to pay and how much help you could get from government services/payments as a part time working mother looking after 4 children. Start this process right now.

If you think the marriage is worth saving book relationship counselling sessions for you both urgently.

This gets suggested on every single one of the 100+ threads identical to this weekly - what we NEVER get, is the OP actually DOING THIS and then reporting back the outcome on here. Its completely baffling that NOBODY has any data on what the Husband's response is or whether or not this approach ever actually works.

It's the MN Unicorn. 😂

It's also the elephant in the room.
Four children is a huge commitment for you both.

Husband is fully burnt out after not only being the main bread winner but caring for you and the many children.
He hasn't been able to be tired, weak and needing support until now.
It's been tough being the strong one.
Everyone can see your struggles, Op. And support you getting through it all. Husband is coming up for breath.

If you want to earn more, you could first increase your days of work tutoring to five.
Could you work for a similar company that charges more - or go out on your own charging directly for the tutoring?

Could you also take on a Lolly-Pop school crossing sign job near your school?

Could you sketch people's pets from a photograph?

Could you make home cooked meals for four or five elderly neighbours?

Mow lawns and prune roses?

Ask kids to help catch up with washing etc on Saturdays.
That will be good in many ways for them.
Shop from thrift shops more.

It's clear that to take on a regular paid job it would have to pay highly for you to be able to pay for after school care - so I would stay with your tutoring as your base job.

I would give him the responsibility now for all admin related to child 3 and 4 while you do the admin for child 1 and 2.

That includes any emails/paperwork from school, doctors appointments, dental appointments, club bookings, paperwork and getting them there, school holiday care, staying home if they're off sick from school, taking them to and from school, buying their clothes, making their packed lunches, making sure they have clean clothes every day and school uniform is laid out for them the night before, remind him when bath night is too, stripping their beds, washing the bedding and getting it dry, making sure they have all of their PE kit and bags packed every day. Also, get him to do the weekly food shop this weekend and meal prep meals for all 6 of you for next week by batch cooking and freezing. So he'll have to meal plan and see what ingredients you already have in and what ingredients he'll need to buy.

Write a list of EVERYTHING you do for those kids (numbers 3 and 4) as he is now solely responsible for them so that he truly understands what it will mean for him with you also working full time. Hand the list to him. I'll bet there will be at least 100 tasks on there and make a note of which days each task needs to be done.

I bet he'll have the shock of his life when he realises how much work you do on those two days 'off'.

Sit down with him and make a list of all the house admin and cleaning. Assign him half the tasks and give him an estimate of time for said tasks. Discuss how much of his annual leave allocation will go towards dependants leave when kids are sick and for time off during school holidays. Discuss what days he is responsible for school pickup or drop offs and other extra curricular like sports trainings etc.

After said discussion we would like an update on his feedback 😉

If we were struggling for money and I insisted on a day off for a housework AND a day for unpaid volunteering my DH would be having a go at me too, and rightfully so. You're living above your means and he's understandably fretting about being the breadwinner. Surely it's pretty easy to pick up extra days for tutoring? Tutors are always in demand here.

I agree with PP’s that something has triggered this. Is his business in trouble?

If you do go back to work FT, I think employing an au pair would be a cost-effective childcare solution.