OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

And how are you able to establish which answers are from English people? What special skills you have to be able to establish where everyone was born!

He might have to make some moves too and not have a job with such a long commute if he wants you to work more.

He won't help with childcare? Then you can't do anything that starts before the kids are all in school, or after unless he contributes his share to paying for someone to care for them. Why is it all on you? His earning more doesn't make a bit of difference when it's the time that's the issue at allowing you to work more.

To be fair that’s something both of them
should have considered.

He sounds stressed but he shouldn't take it out on you.

I think you'd both benefit from some relationship counselling. His expectations are very unrealistic and I think he has a poor understanding of how much you are doing.

It sounds like he is feeling the pressure of being the breadwinner to a large family but the reality is that you aren't in a position to devote as much time to work/earn as much as him because you're taking on the childcare and have a big employment gap.

You both have very different pressures on your shoulders at the moment and it might help to have counselling to understand each other better.

I think your plan to return to work is sensible and balances your current childcare demands with a need to get back into work in the near future. You're doing interviews and volunteering to prepare for it so that when the time comes you will be quick into a "better" job.

Does he think you just sit around watching daytime tv all day while he swans around having meetings? He’s totally unreasonable. It’s not like you’re not even willing to work full time. He can’t expect you in mega bucks right away. That doesn’t always equate now hard someone works anyway. A health care worker on min wage works much harder than someone well paid in an office for example.

Now the twins are in school you DO need to work more hours. I'm a bit confused about why you're already spending time volunteering but let's park that

Find out how many more tutoring hours you can be offered and if you can get a wage increase

Find out how much childcare Mum and MIL can offer

Also find our how much wrap around care costs are in your area

Take this information to DH and see what he feels

im guessing that the business isn't doing as well as it was and he's stressed and trying to find other ways to increase the household income

I think there is a compromise here. Can you talk to your husband rationally about this? If not that is the big issue here! It sounds like going from 2 to 4 children has put a lot of pressure on you both.
Financially have a look at if you could up your hours to do more tutoring even with another company. Have a look for funding for any sort of SEN type positions. There are lots of jobs in schools that might suit you.
I do think you need to change the mindset you need a day for cleaning and a day for volunteering. They are not realistic by sounds of it with your finances and husband is clearly drowning under pressure. But no you shouldn’t have to take any job.

Its a tough one and I can see from both sides. He is obviously very frustrated and to be honest, I can understand where he is coming from

On one hand, yes you could work more hours, on the other, you have 4 children to sort out around school.

The volunteering is giving you skills you need, but for a job that might not even have a vacancy in a years time (or 2 or 3....).

A FT minimum wage job pays just over £20k, so if you went and got any job you'd be bringing that amount in.

Could you not start tutoring as self-employed, increase your hours or use another agency?

The only thing I can suggest is to see whether working 3 full days would be more of a financial benefit, even when paying for wraparound care.

He is a dick. And you should absolutely write down everything you do and see if he even has the slightest awareness of it. My friend did this with her husband in a similar situation and it shut him right up.

BUT you could be earning more from the tutoring.

Find your own clients, advertise on social media, get your school mum friends to tell their friends etc and do hours where your husband is home. Weekends and after school.

Once he needs to look after 4 kids at bedtime or get them up at weekends he will change his tune.

I know plenty of mums who volunteered before getting jobs at schools - if it was official training no one would complain. You can’t walk into a career track job after 8 years out without retraining

Whats his plan for contributing his time to half of all the school runs, school meetings and events, half the sick days, half the life admin, half the housework, half the errand running, half the school holidays?

Yeah I don’t think this is only about the facts, there’s no unfair division of labour here, no obviously much better plan. If you get any job then you’ll struggle to progress and you’re trying to set yourself up for some time with the 4 kids and a good job.

but your dh is clearly in an angry sad pit.

I still feel like I don't have all the facts to understand who is being reasonable.

You say you take on students for tutoring 3 days a week from 9-2:30pm, but you've also said there aren't that many. Are you contently working during the day or is is more like you have 2-3 tutoring sessions and lots of gaps in between?

And you said he wants you to bring in 2k a month but you're nowhere near that, but you haven't said what you earn. Are you on half of that or is it more like £500?

Is it the case that you're working a few days a week but only actually for say 3 hours per day and bringing in say £50/day on those days whilst having lots of breaks between sessions and still planning to keep a day off per week for volunteering?

I kind of think on my understanding that you might both be being a bit unreasonable. He should expect that one parent will need to be doing the childcare and will have a reduced earning potential, but I think keeping a day off for volunteering seems like utter madness in the circumstances. I don't know anyone who has a day off paid work for volunteering.

@GreenLemonHedgehog you’ve got a sound plan, this is about whatever’s going on with your dh. Nothing you could do quickly is going to come without disadvantaging the children.

if he’s saying he’s in a mh crisis, facing redundancy etc then maybe you do need a new plan but yes, he’s being unrealistic to expect you suddenly have an amazing career.

you need to ask him what’s going on with him. I had similar when my dh was depressed - the small kids years were hard, the economy’s bad and a lot of people are feeling the pressure.

Does your contract with your current employer prevent you from tutoring privately outside of that? If not I'd start advertising your services locally, it sounds like you are getting substantially less money than you would if you were self employed. Now you've been doing it a while you should have a reputation, previous clients to provide references etc. I'd try to pick up another day through private tutoring, then if all goes well you could think about moving entirely self employed until you make your planned move into the local authority role.

Does your contract with your current employer prevent you from tutoring privately outside of that? If not I'd start advertising your services locally, it sounds like you are getting substantially less money than you would if you were self employed. Now you've been doing it a while you should have a reputation, previous clients to provide references etc. I'd try to pick up another day through private tutoring, then if all goes well you could think about moving entirely self employed until you make your planned move into the local authority role.

istead of putting him down and arguing with him have you tried asking him what is going on is there redundancy concerns mental health concerns health concerns he cant talk about maybe a conversation with out critism and put downs etc is needed here

As others have said, how is his business going? If he is self employed maybe he is worried that the company isn't making a profit. You are actually the only one in a paid position by a company so perhaps his stress is that he is fearful his company will go bust and the family is going to rely on your sole income.

I agree to your long term plan, as I don't see how you would make it work with so many children and managing arrangements. The only other suggestion is if the twins are now at school, would a TA job pay any better than tutoring and seeing if you can get a job in the same school? I am guessing that the tutoring however pays quite well.

@GreenLemonHedgehog are you married?

I read this thread and it makes me think back to my own childhood. My dad insisted that my mum gave up working when pregnant with me. They had three kids, mum did everything at home and dad went to work. He positioned himself as the hero, the breadwinner etc. He belittled my mum for not working, not using her brain. Her ‘work’ was never valued. He blamed her for us not having enough money. Eventually he left for a much younger woman who was happy to put him in the centre of her life and run around after him like he was the hero he thought he was. He still doesn’t even make his own coffee, cook etc. He’s retired and his wife still works full time and runs around after him.

Now I’m a parent myself I realise that childcare is the much harder job, plus add on a husband who doesn’t value what you do and financial struggles on top and it’s a perfect storm. I’d only be agreeing to work full time if your DH became equally responsible for pick up/drop off, housework and the running of the family/home. Not just your problem to solve.

I earn more than double what my DH does and j sometimes think that if I were the man, mumsnet would let me get away with doing so much less because I could bandy around terms like ‘main bread winner’ and get a free pass. Instead we share the load. We both work hard, it’s just the money we get paid is different- not the value of what we do or the effort.

What's actually going on with him?
-Is his business struggling and he doesn't want to tell you?
-Is he just now expressing the resentment that has gradually built over the years as you've brought up the children, tried to keep your own career from stagnating etc?
-Is he preparing to leave you once you're working full-time and crack on that he's the main carer or something?
Whatever is behind this, he's treating you appallingly. Be prepared to have your marriage end if he carries on in this vein.

I'm sorry your oh has not only moved the goal post unexpectedly, he is trying to bully you into submission.

Marriage is a partnership and I suspect he is hiding something big.

I wouldn't give up the part time, school term job on his whimpering. Ask your manager for an increase in hours and wage.

I would not apply for unsuitable jobs, as a single mother. Because he is not acting like a partner. Why is it ok, for him to unilaterally change the goal post? Who made him the boss of your life. Plan for yourself, he is not taking you into account. How can an adult say apply for any random job, suitably is not important. He knows the age of both of your mother's and their capabilities. What he has shown you dose not look good on paper. Ask him to show you wrap around care cost.

Most importantly, I would demand he starts picking up the chores and childcare before you start applying for jobs he thinks is suitable. If you go down this route. It would ease the change in routine for everyone involved. For when you go into full time work. Your oh might disagree with this, but even primary school teachers come into young children homes to help ease/ transition them into school. Only during exceptional circumstances should this be overlooked. The dc mental health matter to, not just adults who can throw a bigger tantrum.

Be vigilant and only apply for job that are suitable for you and your dc. You might need to make drastic life changes soon. If your oh, is saying I might be selling the house. I would not take that as a threat but as a POSSIBILITY. That is not an easy thing to say. But at the same time, this is not the time to make stupid financial decisions. Be smart with all job applications and look at the bigger picture. Would this job, bring more take home pay, if you deduct childcare? If yes, apply for it.

For example, I myself had a part-time school nursery job. I left it for a health care job as a single mother. Because the school was more rigid with timetables than the hospital. The hospital also does late shifts where I have more people available to help out in the afternoon. Mainly mom.
Mornings are harder for autistic ds2. Sometimes, I work equivalent of full-time job hours and others times it is the modified minimal contracted hours. Most importantly, I have worked enough time in lieu for when ds3 finally gets chicken pox. I would be able to stay at home with him, without it affecting my normal pay.

Your volunteer job sounds nice to me and I would not give it up easily. Do your training with them and look to see if they have any vacancies.

Is his company in financial trouble? Perhaps this is why he wants you to bring in more money, but doesn’t want to tell you why.

How does he think you’re going to get a £35k+ job just like that?

Not really imposing any values here, simply offering another perspective.