OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

What do you tutor in? Now the term has started I am sure you could get some private tuition jobs which would pay more. How about proposing to your husband that you spend all day on a Saturday giving private tuition and he look after the kids.

I do have sympathy for the stress of being a breadwinner. But 4 children, two of whom only started school this week, part time work and volunteer work to boost the CV to secure a better position, really does sound like someone pulling thier weight.

Being sympathetic to him, is there a chance the job suggestions arent passive aggressive, but jobs he thinks you could do and enjoy to boost your confidence? Its very easy to fall into a trap of seeing everything through a negative lens.

Op do you earn enough together atm to pay bills & have some money over?

If so & what he's wanting is for you to earn more then what will change for him?

Or is he intending to cut back his hours in accordance?

I sort of feel like you are a past version of me, 4 dc in 4 and a bit years. Youngest twins, I stepped out of my career as twins are brutal I don’t think I slept for about a year. My ex-DH also burnt out with the pressure and turned into a dick. We got divorced, I was much better off working plus UC top ups than I had been “sponging” off him.

Twins are ten now, Ive got back into better paid work. He’s actually is a lot better as a parent since we split, interested, helps them with music practice and homework, teaching everyone to cook type stuff. We largely do 50/50 but quite child centred and they have activities so often children get 1 on 1 Or 1 to 2 and their dad has others.

I suppose my point is I called his bluff, about leaving, emotionally detached from him and actually my life got better. I do think it’s worth considering whether this is a relationship you want to be in. Also do your sums you’d be able to claim UC for three despite two child limit due to twins plus CB plus any child maintenance plus wage.

It was easier for me as I kept family home but might be worth considering a rental or putting your name on social housing list. Emotionally abusive partner with 4 dc at risk of homelessness should put you high up the list.

It does sound like he's under pressure at work and is concerned about the money. He's obviously irrational in how he's approaching this but there could be serious problems in the near future.

How much does he earn, and how much of the household budget does that cover? If he's worried that he'll not be able to do that for much longer then that's a huge amount of pressure to be under.

You've not really said much about the household finances. It's all been from your point of view, can you consider it from his to try to see why he's acting this way

I have four children who were all at primary school
at the same time. We have both always worked full time. It only works if you don’t have a default parent who deals with them when they are sick/ off school/ going to clubs. You both have to pull your weight. We managed it by taking a break at 3 to collect the children and go to clubs, then working in the evenings to finish our hours. (We are lucky to have jobs that allow us to do that.) Cleaning and admin happened at weekends, arranged around the kids’ sports matches. It’s hard work, but it doesn’t last forever.

If all he's thinking about is money, I suggest you write out a list af all the money you are saving him by working part time!
Childcare for 4 children..X £ (that will be A LOT, especially in the holidays)
Cleaner for X hours for X£ per week
Laundry/dry cleaning
Someone to take/collect children from school
The list goes on.

These are just some of the things that you both would have to pay for if you went full time, coz apples to oranges he would not help you with the chores. He sounds like the sort who would get home and collapse with fatigue completely unaware that you feel the same.
So really, you would be no better off.

I do not agree with how he is talking to you about this as it is not helpful or constructive. The solution is to find weekend work and leave dc with him. I would also cost out a year of after school care and holiday clubs against a full time wage as I think he will be shocked. If he is feeling the strain financially then he needs help but it has to be balanced around the cost of childcare.

We would struggle if I went part time. As a couple we need to both work full time (we have one child). Your husband could have reacted in a calmer way, but he’s probably struggling to financially support 4 children and pay for all or most of the bills on his own. How much money are you bringing in every month? Instead of volunteering one day a week, that could be an extra day of paid work.

Agree !

My DH went through a similar thing. He has an anxiety disorder and every now and then he lets it dominate. I almost left him over it, not because of the working, but because of him going back on an agreement of many years and his total disregard for my and the children. He wasn't a small earner, all he saw were dollar signs.

I figured if I had to work full time, do most of the housework, deal with managing the children and all the mental load still, I might as well be on my own so I at least got the late evening and weekend to myself a bit, and do what I wanted to do, (rather than be on wife duty expected to go into companion mode at those time too).

I've never quite forgiven him for how he treated me at that time, though things are better now.

@GreenLemonHedgehog i wouldn’t be changing anything untill he had a plan where he works full time (like you will be ) and splits drop off and pick up . Has his name down as emergency contact . Agrees whole heartedly to sharing days off with sick kids and holidays . I’d be writing a list of dentist, doctors ,hospital appointments . Shopping ,cooking ,washing cleaning .
Both your parents are NOT picking up all that slack .
He really doesn’t get how much you put into the relationship .
The volunteering day seems it is to get experience for a better job next year ?
If so he is pushing you in the wrong direction when you have a plan . He seems very resentful that you have any time to yourself it seems .
Is he insecure , jealous , ever controlling or nasty ? Wondering if there is another reason he doesn’t want you to have “free “ time . Now you’re not trapped at home with kids .

Why haven’t you married ? Is the house just in his name ? Would you be able to find housing ?
If I was being pushed to take on too much to breaking point I’d leave and do it all alone without him having any of the benefits just like he has himself sorted .
Was he always this stressed at work or is this new now you have two days free (in his eyes)
what does he do at weekends ?
What does he do with the kids ?

Can you look into something like evening tuition or exam marking to increase your income?

Who has four kids and works full-time.while they are in primary really. Wraparound care can be £200 a month the money she is saving doing the family work is more than what she would earn.
She's getting things in hand for a better paying job as soon as she can. Sounds like he's trying to scupper that. I might be a luddite but I'm not an apologist for a bullying pig.

He's not telling you something.

He is either on the verge of bankruptcy, a mental health breakdown or fallen for another woman and justifying his interest in her by demonising you.

Let's assume it's not that last one. You need to tell him unequivocally that the two of you will work out another plan. There are lots of suggestions here. He needs to dial right back and you both need to find a way to keep things going.

My DH had a breakdown after similar outbursts from me. He was being ludicrous in the build up, shouting at me to go to my job when I was signed off on maternity and he'd stay home. He was honestly ill but I couldn't see it initially.

Tell your husband the two of you will figure it out.

I moved foreign teens into our house for a couple of summers, tutored lots of extra hours and DH picked up the childcare and housework.

Try to drown out the ridiculous demands and hear the plea behind it. You can talk it through when he's acting rationally.

This sounds very much as if something has gone wrong with his business. OP you have have given a lot of information about yourself but nothing about how your OH is doing financially. Maybe the business has been struggling for a while, he thought he could hang on for another year or two, now he realises he can't. Or maybe he's suddenly lost a big client and the whole situation is much worse.

Do you know how his business is doing? Maybe things are now so bad that you should find some kind of fulltime work while he looks after the children. In an emergency you might both need to change jobs and totally rejig everything. Maybe he has been paying himself more than his business can afford. You need to get this out of him so you can make a sensible decision. Can you ignore the tantrums, remind him that you're a team and that you are ready to discuss making changes when he is ready to tell you what's really going on at his work?

I also have 4 kids, the youngest two being twins, so can testify to the gruelling and relentless grind that it is when they’re young. Hang in there, it gets easier.

You sound like you are coping amazingly well: bringing in money, keeping the house, and providing excellent care for your children. And you have a plan in place to increase your earnings.

These years are very tough and will highlight any cracks in your relationship. Your husband is being so unsupportive and blaming that it would be enough for me to consider if I wanted to stay with someone who makes a difficult situation worse instead of better.

Your name is apt. I said sahm/part timer

She's not a sahm she works and has an income.
He should have thought all this before choosing to have four children.

OP sounds like she's doing well to me.
DH sounds like a bullying nob.

OP, would working 5 days/week 9 - 2:30 be more feasible?

I agree with everyone, he might be experiencing burnout and feeling the weight of being the main earner. That doesn’t mean he gets to be shitty to you, but maybe you both need to sit down and go over what each one can do.

I have someone in my family going through a similar issue and we still don’t know what has him in such a panic/mood, I honestly believe it’s MH related. Maybe your OH needs some counselling too to get to the bottom of this switch in attitude (or maybe he’s just a resentful dickhead and has been biding his time to finally turn on you).

You work 3 days so have 4 spare days in a week. Could you increase the same work pattern to 5 days. I think you need to drop the volunteer day for now. It is a huge burden being the main breadwinner so must grate seeing you use a day you could be earning to volunteer. You could maybe do some private tutoring. I think you do need to work more hours not necessarily full time though.

Some posters just seem to be looking at this very black and white “she has 2 days not doing anything each week and he’s stressed and burnt out” etc but she’s doing all the school runs which is hard work as well as looking after all the kids in the holidays etc.

The reality is that he has suddenly thought “hold on she is getting a better deal here and has it easy” and is now resentful and taking it out on her. Is it right that he suddenly feels like this and is now demanding she goes full time and not even doing it a nice calm way?

I bet he’s horrible to live with at the moment too but let’s just worry about his mental health and not hers who has changed her career to suit their family and is now suddenly being treated horribly because he thinks she has it easy when she doesn’t.

Honestly some of the posts on here are awful - please don’t listen to them.

Has he said he can help with kids/housework or is he expecting you to up your hours and work term time and do everything with help from parents which doesn’t sound like it’s possible anyway ? He will have a shock at childcare costs for 4 kids over 6 weeks.

It sounds like he has suddenly thought you have an easy life and he doesn’t but in reality you don’t and probably just get on with it and don’t moan etc even when it is hard.

Either his own job is at risk or he's planning on leaving you. This didn't just come from nowhere. If his job was at risk he might have discussed this with you but his sudden demand for you to work full time, not considering the cost of childcare and thinking your mums could look after 4 children, it's fishy.

Are you married to him or is he a partner? Maybe get some legal advice about where you'd stand financially if you split.

He sounds incredibly stressed us there debt you don't know about? His plan is totally unrealistic as you'll need to pay for childcare, holiday clubs , cleaners etc. will he spend his weekends doing the washing?. I do think one day a week volunteering is a bit much if he's struggling. I know you feel this is giving you opportunities but it's a lot o if he's up against it and I can see why he might resent it. I have no idea how or why that GIF is there!!!!!!!!!!!

Exactly - they both discussed and agreed her being part time, so to move the goal posts after she has already made choices that have meant 4 young children and three back-to-back pregnancies , after she’s already done the hard 8 years of babies and toddlers, is despicable.

Funny how he didn’t pressure her to go full time while the twins were at home, but he does it the day they start school. I’m sure it’s nothing to do with the fact he knows it is in fact hard to look after four babies and toddlers…even if he won’t acknowledge it to OP.