OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

I think the ideal is to work part time in a high paying role. But that takes time to train for, or gain experience. This is why I prioritised my career over having children. I always wanted that security.

We’ve been told women can have it all, but we have been missold a dream. It’s a lie, we can’t have it all.

No it's not. I was on £26500 not long ago, take home approx £1850 pm. Couple of quid above nlw.

The op hasn't returned. They may have made up now. You know what I am going to guess he was having a bad day and wanted a good ol' rant at her. The op has made no suggestions of his business failing and she would know. She probably would have said something by now. I don't think he meant it he probably wanted to have a dig at her. It could have been relevant and the only way you get answers is by talking about your own experiences or asking questions. She might have forgotten all about this thread and gone back to her tutoring job. Didn't she say she was getting a pay rise today?

I am noticing some posters on here like a debate for entertainment purposes. It's okay to ask questions or talk about yourself. It sparks conversation and it can open people up. On this forum no chance people are to quick to judge.

How much is he bringing in every month? Is he one of those self-employed husbands who 'work' endless hours to avoid childcare and home life but actually earn very little?

I'd never belittle anyone who has been through such situations, and don't think i have. (Please point them out to me if you're going to accuse me of such, and I'll apologise directly) And if they have and are trying to say this, this is how it started for them, fair enough, but I still stand by my comments.

'We don't know all the facts and these are also possibilities.'

100% agree with this, hence my comments - it's also a possibility that this guy is working 80 hours a week, is utterly burnt out, and he has asked for help and is desperate - but nope, we have comments saying he should be 'ashamed' he's not able to support his family. What a way to speak about someone without any actual facts. Rather insulting, I'd say.

If it’s happening on a regular basis, yes.

If this was an out of character one off, then no.

ignore the moronic comments saying is he taking drugs, gambling problems, new woman etc, some people think life is an telenovela.

From what the OP has said some problems with the business would be be my first guess too, but sadly these other suggestions are not moronic. They come up here fairly regularly. And it is insulting to say this about the women who have described their own experience to the OP.

We don't know all the facts and these are also possibilities.

I’m mearly replying to utterly stupid comments -not saying this is one- posters on here spin a good fairy tail, no where has the op come out and said she thinks he’s shagging someone else, drink and drug problems, does nothing around the house and has been given advise as it’ll be better for him if she’s working FT and the kicker she should present a bill for her services. Stupid comments that offer zero help to the real issue.

I even posted above giving my sincere advice to her, no speculation, no ‘LTB’ (first comment FFS) just honest advice. Trying to get away from as you say, derailing the actual issue.

1. I had already stopped responding when you felt the need to chastise me.
2. Please feel free to report my posts if you feel they are breaking any rules, otherwise this is an open forum.
3. I’m a woman, so was not taking part in any male pissing contest.

Are you sure he's not thinking of leaving and been given advice that it would be better for him if you were also working FT?

This is abuse.

Can you and @KatSlayMoon just take your male pissing contest elsewhere?

(KatSlayMoon I recognise you are just responding, but please just stop)

It's frankly tedious to read, and yes you are derailing this thread (I am sure at least one of you, deliberately)

Show him the cost of you working full time. That is childcare costs in term time and the need for holiday care - which is not cheap. Childcare costs are likely to use up any extra money you earn in FT work. You can also point out that since you currently cover all that childcare the cost of that is your contribution. Also suggest he gets a better job.4
Personally, I think I'd start working on dumping him.

OP if you’re still here, the only real advise I can give you is to speak to your other half and have a frank discussion around why you need more money coming in.

you said he’s self employed, how’s the business going? Ask about bad debts etc, order book for the next few months, tax bill due? ignore the moronic comments saying is he taking drugs, gambling problems, new woman etc, some people think life is an telenovela.

Please don’t think from my previous posts I’m supporting your other half, Im in no way excusing the way he’s spoken to you and how you feel but there’s an underlying issue that needs to come front and centre. I’m more trying to bring a balance that most of these posts need. If anyone ever needed a ghost writer for fiction a few people on here could earn a small fortune.

Is there anyway to tutor at night? mark exam papers over the summer holidays? Can you take on private clients or teach at a college or university?

Whatever you do he has to meet you 1/2 way he has to either pay for wrap around care (and do chores) or do school pick up (and do chores!!). They are the only short term options if he wants you to go full time. Or you leave.

Whilst I think he is being a total prick - I am the breadwinner at home and I hate it - every minute of it. I can’t give up and do something I really want to do because I am tied to a job that pays the bills. I do resent that. So I do understand his frustration.

When my 3 kids were all under 10 we struggled financially as we couldn't afford child care and mortgage interest rates had shot up to a high level. The only way we could do it was for me to do weekends and evenings. I did various roles including home help, call centres and shop work. My DH would leave the house at 6am and get in from work at 5pm and I would hand over the kids to him till 10-11pm at night and i worked all weekend too and it equated to a full time job. We were literally passing ships in the night but I knew this was only temporary and as the kids got older I went back to college myself during the day and eventually went on to University.

Those years were bloody tough and requires a strong commitment from both sides, I won't sugar coat it and it did put a strain on us as a couple.. but its doable and we did get through it and are well financially comfortable now. What I would be questioning is why suddenly is there a financial strain? Have you took on any extra finance or is there something like a gambling problem he is stressing about? Any secrets you don't know about...There seems more to it than wanting you to all of a sudden go out to work full time.

This nails it. Women are to take on the enormous, life threatening task of growing a child, bounce back within weeks - never mind the physical reality that this cannot happen, start having sex again within a couple of months, get back to paid work quickly, and parent continuously along with taking on nearly every household and parenting task plus working to earn money too.

Many men want this and they want their contribution to be that they earn money then switch off when they come home, have a hobby that takes up a day on the weekend etc etc etc.

It's threads like this that make the thread on red flags for marriage and motherhood an absolute necessity - won't let me post a link, Am I Being Unreasonable Marriage/Motherhood Warning List

Volunteer work needs to stop. He’s got a point in that

At our school, that level of wraparound (before and after school) would cost around £140 per day for four children. So £700 minimum per month? I’m curious as to what’s brought this on - whether he has decided in his head/someone has put it to him that you should be stepping up more now all four are in school, whether he has concerns about the durability of his own employment, whether he’s burning out, or what. Is he wanting you to step up to fill a financial gap, because “it’s not fair”, or so he can step back/down?

For what it’s worth, in your position, I think I’d incline towards scheduling a sit down conversation without the children to go over finances. What’s coming in, what’s going out, whether there is a surplus or deficit, and/or whether there is an aspiration gap or anything you need to plan towards such as a new car or perhaps a holiday. Do you have the funds to meet your needs and wants, or not?

What would your position look like if you increased hours in your current role to full time (if an option) or looked for other agency work on the other two days you now have some capacity? (It sounds like the volunteering could be useful professionally?) What expenses would you incur, eg childcare/cost of a commute? Or was he thinking you’d find a remote job where you could work full time and also pick up all the childcare?!

If he isn’t willing to sit down with you and have this conversation, openly, then I’d say it’s not about the money.

I do think a lot of men don’t realise that they cannot expect to have a wife as an equal financial partner while also being a traditional wife who picks up everything to do with the kids and runs the home. They cannot have the financial contribution and the domestic contribution. You’d be surprised how many men (not all men, I know) seem to think this is a perfectly reasonable expectation.

Your DH must realise that you doing fewer hours / picking up the slack with DCs means he has been able to focus on his business. I have been the 'breadwinner' for most of my married life but always viewed DHs lower paid but massively flexible job as the thing that allowed me to focus on my work. If he wants to scale back his business and take on on more of the domestic load while you increase your working hours, the conversation needs to be about how that would work.

If you are overall short of money because his business is doing poorly, then the conversation needs to be about how you (collectively) can bring in extra money. Your suggestions of asking for a pay rise or working an extra day during school hours sounds good. If his business is less profitable, could your DH take on some part time work as an employee? Or look after the 4 DCs while you do some tutoring outside school hours? There seems little point in you doing low paid work that isn't going to help your career ambitions only for the extra money you earn to go on childcare.

All the extra childcare etc will come at a cost. You need to present it to him in black and white what working full time will cost in financial terms. You also need to show him, in black and white, the household work he will be expected to take on to enable you to work full-time. If he can't talk it through, just write it down and leave it for him. Until he responds with something practical to address these concerns I'd just leave the subject hanging.

I didn't claim to know his outgoings or what he does for a living. What I said was he could upskill if the business is struggling. That was my suggestion.

Parenting and running a house is NOT a full time job!! You don't clock in at 08.00 and finish at 16.00 it's 24/7 52 weeks a year. Ive done it with 4 children but I was lucky enough to have a husband that shared every duty in the house, including cleaning the toilet.

I can see why partner would feel resentful of partner doing voluntary work when there’s 4 young kids to provide for

I am imparting my experience it could be relevant to the op or it may not. If it's upsetting you don't read my posts the thread is not about you. What is there to answer? If the op asks a question I'll answer it not you.