Page 3 | MIL and husband too overbearing regarding our children

MILissue · 2025-09-02T21:07:04+00:00

MIL and husband want to be too involved in our children’s lives my step daughter (3) and daughter 7 months. step daughter visits us every other weekend and stays Fri-sun, MIL gets to see her once a week and claims this is unfair and not enough as grandparents. MIL wants GD (3) to sleep over at their house on our time. Baring in mind we get her 4 nights a month she wants to take one of those from her son. We have tried to explain this is for our daughter to spend time with her sister as a family and all we get back is “they can both stay”. Are we being unreasonable for saying no to this as we are made to feel like the worst people in the world! We feel that they favour their first GC (my step daughter (3). When we have explained how we feel it is shut down immediately and we are called silly. However they only like to call us and visit when we have DH daughter and he feels it invades our time as it is hard to say no to them coming to visit on those days. I feel that they should be grateful they have DH daughter visit once a week but nothing is ever enough for them regarding her. (Also to add my step daughters mother will not allow DH mother to have her daughter sleepover on her time either, we all get on well and we do not feel she is being unreasonable.

Original poster

MILissue · 03/09/2025 16:28

DaisyChain505 · 03/09/2025 16:13

Why does your husband only see his child four days a month? Surely the answer to all questions here is to have more custody time.

Work arrangements. As posted in comments. Sometimes H works away and if he is working in same area, he may pop to see little one at mums if finishes before her bed time routine! Or we take her out for tea.
At the minute it’s not possible to gain more custody time, the arrangements work well as is, little girl is settled and isn’t coming and going between houses constantly, she knows daddy’s house and mummy’s house. The OP is about MIL, GRANDMA, stepping over boundaries.

OP posts:

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 03/09/2025 16:28

MILissue · 03/09/2025 16:20

I did not mean it in that context! I am stating he works to provide a good life for us and also for his daughter who lives with her mother so both children are living similar circumstances! The mother did not work as she asked H if she was able to not, he agreed and has helped her massively financially to enable her not to work. However she has now just gone to work full time with little one starting full time nursery!!

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The man who can't see his child more because - work, but can manage to meet someone, and have another child and parent that one by the time his first kid is 3?

Working and paying towards his kid is a absolute minimum he should be doing, seeing her 4 days a month is disgusting tbh.

Would you be happy with him seeing your child 4 days a month as long as he chucked you a few quid?

He really isn't a great parent. You just think he is because he's living with you and your child just now so it's no effort for him to be around.

He's showing who he is as a parent by being content with a tiny amount of time with his first child.

Original poster

MILissue · 03/09/2025 16:26

ButSheSaid · 03/09/2025 16:08

He should do what any other parent does and rearrange his working hours in order to parent his child.

He chose to have a wedding and second kid, so he should, at bare minimum, parent his first child as much as the mother does.

The mother of his child did NOT work and H massively helped financially for her to be able to not work (even though they were never together) he worked extra for this! Which she is very grateful for, otherwise she would’ve had to go to work and place little one in childminders, H earnt more than mother of child therefore this is what agreement they decided on!

He has chosen to have a second child yes, and he parents both, he also works away from our child to provide for us whilst I’m off work!

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Original poster

MILissue · 03/09/2025 16:20

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 03/09/2025 16:12

He pays maintenence over the legal minimum?

Woah, I take it all back.

The little cherub is being manipulated by his bad Mummy and he's providing more than the minimum for the child he sees 4 days a month (even though the mum sonehow manages to work and be a full time parent).

Congrats op.

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I did not mean it in that context! I am stating he works to provide a good life for us and also for his daughter who lives with her mother so both children are living similar circumstances! The mother did not work as she asked H if she was able to not, he agreed and has helped her massively financially to enable her not to work. However she has now just gone to work full time with little one starting full time nursery!!

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 03/09/2025 16:13

Why does your husband only see his child four days a month? Surely the answer to all questions here is to have more custody time.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 03/09/2025 16:12

MILissue · 03/09/2025 15:27

He has stood up to his mother but she manipulates him and ‘falls out with him’ it’s not a nice situation to be in when he is made to be the bad guy. I have no issues with him standing up to her.

He works that schedule to provide for his FAMILY! We wouldn’t have the life we have without him, he provides for both daughters and gives a hefty maintenance payment (way more than required) to the daughter that doesn’t live with us! He does everything for those little girls

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He pays maintenence over the legal minimum?

Woah, I take it all back.

The little cherub is being manipulated by his bad Mummy and he's providing more than the minimum for the child he sees 4 days a month (even though the mum sonehow manages to work and be a full time parent).

Congrats op.

ButSheSaid · 03/09/2025 16:08

He should do what any other parent does and rearrange his working hours in order to parent his child.

He chose to have a wedding and second kid, so he should, at bare minimum, parent his first child as much as the mother does.

MyLittleNest · 03/09/2025 16:03

This story feels familiar. I feel like either the mother of your SD or your MIL have posted about this recently....

dottydaily · 03/09/2025 16:01

you should not be feeling any anxiety re this situation. SD both parents have made a decision and are in agreement re SD sleep over with MIL. Thats it, no further discussion required. If MIL chooses to challenge this it is with SD parents.

BauhausOfEliott · 03/09/2025 15:47

Ihavetoask · 03/09/2025 08:14

I dont see the issue with grandparents having both their GC for a night every couple of months. That's quite normal.

'Normal' is meaningless in this context. It's 'normal' if it works for the parents and they're happy with it. In this case, it doesn't work for the parents and neither of the child's biological parents are happy with it. In that situation, it's 'normal' for the parents to say no.

Plenty of people wouldn't be keen for a three-year-old to do overnight stays, and I would have thought even less so if they have less time with their child than they would like - why should the OP's partner miss out on his own time with his daughter just because his mother has a bee in her bonnet about overnight stays and so on? The grandparents see the grandchildren every single week, ffs! That's already more than most grandparents see their grandkids.

Original poster

MILissue · 03/09/2025 15:27

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 03/09/2025 14:02

This Prince of a man barely sees his first kid and can't stand up to his mother.

Depressing that he's happy with 4 days a month because he can't figure out his work schedule (like his ex has to).

He has stood up to his mother but she manipulates him and ‘falls out with him’ it’s not a nice situation to be in when he is made to be the bad guy. I have no issues with him standing up to her.

He works that schedule to provide for his FAMILY! We wouldn’t have the life we have without him, he provides for both daughters and gives a hefty maintenance payment (way more than required) to the daughter that doesn’t live with us! He does everything for those little girls

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Original poster

MILissue · 03/09/2025 15:23

Ddakji · 03/09/2025 14:00

I don’t understand why the mother of your SD allows her to be with her grandmother once a week but her father only 4 times a month. That suggests that your DH hasn’t exactly been stellar with his first child, whereas his mother might have been better?

This was due to H living with his mother at the time, however since H has moved out this has carried on, she has her one weekday, used to be from 12-6/7, now she is at nursery it is 3 til 7. Mother of child is fed up of demands and is close to cutting this off which is a shame but same as us MIL is constantly at her to let little one sleep over, she has had a bedroom done out and calls it the little girls bedroom and not both of our children’s bedroom.

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Original poster

MILissue · 03/09/2025 15:20

ButSheSaid · 03/09/2025 13:55

Court is not costly, it's less than £400, he can represent himself.
Too expensive doesn't cut it, he needs to parent at least 50%, and figure out how to do this around his job.

Is he not devastated about only being an occasional visitor to his child's life?

Of course he is! He adores her and cherishes time together! However, we visited a solicitor before our little girl (7months) arrived to discuss 50/50, mother of child basically shut this down, solicitor informed it could be a costly process and court may decide in favour of mother due to father working full time more often than not 6 days a week, some weeks working away so not in the family home. He FaceTimes and rings his daughter frequently. Solicitor also advised due to father never living with daughter court may deem that the best interests of the child is to stay with mother for routine at this young age and to possibly try again in a couple years time!

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MyLittleNest · 03/09/2025 14:27

The MIL is out of line. Let her complain all she wants, and depending on your relationship with her, I'd point out how selfish she is being to try to take 25% of the 3yos time away from being with her father when MIL already sees her granddaughter once a week for 4 hours. At what point does she think she matters more than your husband, the child's own father? What will she do when the child grows up, goes to school longer, and has friends and activities?

I'd consider it a blessing that this woman is not so interested in your child or you'd never be rid of her!

She sounds like the kind of woman who will never be satisfied and always demanding more. Very selfish. She really needs to get a hobby.

It's daily that there is a needy and entitled grandmother story on here...

AncientHarpy · 03/09/2025 14:22

MILissue · 03/09/2025 13:44

Husband never lived with his other child (never in a relationship) one night kind of thing, but has always been childhood friends with the mother of his child. Little girl knows nothing different than just living with mum, at present cannot afford costly court costs, along with mother of child has flexible work arrangements meaning she is able to take and pick little one from nursery etc whereas husband works from 7am to 5pm mon-Fri, we

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Why do so many people still believe in these mythical huge sums needed to go to family court to rearrange child residency proportions? It's a few hundred pounds and financial help is available if you are on a low income.

user1492757084 · 03/09/2025 14:20

You are right to stick to your routine of MIL visiting you for a meal and play every fortnight. It's great that MIL helps out with her grand daughter's child care once a week. Mil sees the child enough. It is fair as it is.

Wait until your youngest is at school before allowing sleep overs every couple of months with MIL.

atotalshambles · 03/09/2025 14:06

I think that it must be so confusing for the 3 year old to keep moving around and I think it would be very unsettling for her to stay with her grandmother for another night. I would wait for grandmother sleepovers until the child is older.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 03/09/2025 14:02

This Prince of a man barely sees his first kid and can't stand up to his mother.

Depressing that he's happy with 4 days a month because he can't figure out his work schedule (like his ex has to).

Ddakji · 03/09/2025 14:00

I don’t understand why the mother of your SD allows her to be with her grandmother once a week but her father only 4 times a month. That suggests that your DH hasn’t exactly been stellar with his first child, whereas his mother might have been better?

ButSheSaid · 03/09/2025 13:55

Court is not costly, it's less than £400, he can represent himself.
Too expensive doesn't cut it, he needs to parent at least 50%, and figure out how to do this around his job.

Is he not devastated about only being an occasional visitor to his child's life?

outerspacepotato · 03/09/2025 13:52

Why doesn't your husband shut down his mother's custody demands hard?

She's not a 3rd parent but she's acting like she is. She's demanding a custody day that would cut his time by a significant amount. Given that he has so little time with her as it is, that would not benefit his daughter at all.

The favoritism makes her having regular custody days even worse. Your kid will grow up seeing that and that's just no good.

He needs to tell her that's not happening and back off from her. Diminish contact. His custody time is non negotiable.

MzHz · 03/09/2025 13:50

Someone needs to put MIL back in her box.

the little girl is 3. She needs time with her mum and her dad. If mum is not keen on her spending nights away from her generally, and at 3yo, that’s perfectly normal, then that’s fine

your h needs to tell his mum to back off a bit. The child needs to establish a proper routine with the parents and siblings

that comes before her.

ChloeCannotCanCan · 03/09/2025 13:50

Why does your DH see his daughter so infrequently? Only 4 nights a month? I’d start by reassessing the access arrangements so that she spends more time with you, is there a good reason it’s not 50:50? Once that’s sorted your MIL can see her more often too as it won’t be cutting into your time as heavily.

Original poster

MILissue · 03/09/2025 13:44

ButSheSaid · 03/09/2025 13:28

Your husband should be parenting his child at least 50/50, why has he not arranged this already?
It will be really hard for the little 3yr old child knowing her father chooses to live full time with her half sibling. She'll feel unwanted and replaced as she grows up, has he planned ways to mitigate this?
The man can deal with his mother, don't think about it.

Husband never lived with his other child (never in a relationship) one night kind of thing, but has always been childhood friends with the mother of his child. Little girl knows nothing different than just living with mum, at present cannot afford costly court costs, along with mother of child has flexible work arrangements meaning she is able to take and pick little one from nursery etc whereas husband works from 7am to 5pm mon-Fri, we

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Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 03/09/2025 13:30

Give an inch take a mile.
Your mil would complain if she had both dc every weekend imo.
While some agree it's normal to have sleepovers at dgps home it's also normal to have your dc with you 100% if that's what you want. Mil has had her dc... Now it's your turn.
Don't feel guilty for that.