MIL and husband too overbearing regarding our children

There is absolutely no need for either girl to go for a sleepover at grandparents unless parents want a night off.
you could always look for something you want to attend without kids and schedule granny to come and sleep at YOUR house to babysit

The obvious answer is he needs to step up and be a proper parent. Seeing his own child only 4 days a month is not OK, you can try and defend it as much as you like, but I highly doubt you'd settle for only seeing your own child 4 days a month.

No i think its still quite nornal every other month or so.

MIL is being ridiculous. She probably doesn't favour her over your daughter really OP, she probably feels bad for your SD because her parents aren't together, and probably over inserted herself before you were there to help your husband with her. Maybe she feels pushed out now you're here?

I think the set up you have currently sounds like it works best for your SD and her parents, that's the most important thing. If parents don't want their child to sleepover somewhere else it doesn't happen.

As a child of split parents, the only thing I'd say is try make sure your stepdaughter knows she's loved and you'd love to have her more often. I think you said when she starts school you'd have her in the summer holidays? That would be great and helps her mom with covering the long holidays

For a family that live with the children 100% of the time, not when they only have them overnight 4 nights a month.

I think your DH needs to explain that his dd is still very little and he has her such a small amount of time himself itnis important for the 3 year old to spend time with him so she doesn't feel replaced by the new baby. He could say that when she is a bit older the issue can be readdressed then. I woukd go as far as saying of she doesn't let this go then he will limit the day visits too as it is placing too much pressure on you all as a family.

The alternative is would OP be happy if they split and he took her to court for 50/50 and paid the minimum maintenance so she had to work full time? Which would reduce how much time she could spend with her child during her contact time.

It sounds like not, and it sounds like this works best for OPs SDs mom and husband. People are allowed to make different choices. My parents are divorced and I wouldn't have wanted to be somewhere else every week. Children need stability and it sounds like SDs mom has built her life around her daughter and OPs husband has financially supported that.

@MILissue I'm going against the grain here and don't think you should go for 50/50 next year. Everything these days is about splitting everything "fairly", but honestly, when it comes to children, I do think it's better for them to have one main home. Children can find it so unsettling with 50/50 arrangements and I feel for them.

I do think that as you have such a good relationship with the child's mother, that going for 50/50 may jeopardise that (unless of course she actually wanted that too). I'm just thinking from my point of view, I'd be devastated to go from practically full-time custody to only 50%.

Your DH can continue to be a father, co-parent with her mother, contribute financially, and keep his work commitments with the current schedule, perhaps introduce a third night so it's 6 nights per month or something. It has to work for both families, yourselves and the child's mum.

Anyway, I know the thread wasn't about that, I just didn't like reading so many people laying into your husband for not taking the child's mother to court for 50/50 🙄

In terms of your MIL, as you know, she'll never be happy. Personally, I'd not give her any overnights, and keep to what contact you and DH are happy with, if that's MIL joining you all as a family for one afternoon per month, then so be it. Your DH can shut down any whinging from her. As for your baby, not a chance in hell I'd let my baby sleep over with anyone, but especially not this overbearing MIL. I actually hope the child's mother stops contact between SD & MIL on her time. MIL sounds like a pain in the ass.

I see it as more evidence of the destruction of the family.

I don't see why a sleepover couldn't happen very occasionally if stepdaughter would enjoy it, but I definitely understand why you wouldn't want to make it a regular arrangement as it's precious time.

To see DG once a week is really fortunate. I don't really see my DG regularly. We don't have a set day. I did look after them once a week when DIL worked. But, she gave it up because it was not financially viable and she was lucky enough that she really did not need to work anyway. However, after a few weeks or couple of months of not seeing them, I will text my DS and DIL to see if we can meet up and see the DG. They only live 10 miles away. But DIL likes to spend every waking moment arranging days out or with her friends and their children. However, if they do sometimes contact us to babysit, we will always have the DG stay overnight or for a few days if they want some time without them. We have never refused. They do not ask that much maybe once every few months. Consequently, your MIL should count herself really lucky that she has arranged contact every week and doesn't have to almost beg to see them.

Hope your delusion about Dad of the year doesn't come back to bite you on the arse.

I'll leave you to it 👍

Apart from see his tiny child more regularly of course.

I would be an amazing parent if I saw my kids 4 days a month too.

You're saying he's amazing for doing literally the minimum - paying for his children. That's not amazing, it's standard (or should be).

He has a 3yo he sees 4 days a month, that's absolutely ridiculous, and you think he's a superhero for that?

May your extremely low standards serve you well. Especially if you add him split and you're on the receiving end of picking up after his substandard parenting.

I found it. Not your MIL bu there are some similarities. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5394946-feeling-pushed-out-of-dgc-life?page=1

Your previous conversation with a solicitor was when dsd was what? two? Often courts would recommend under three year old children have a primary residence. Now she is three there is really no reason that you can't up your time with her. If you suggested a reasonable, gradual increase over a year or so then it's unlikely the courts could object.

If DH has DD more then he can reduce maintenance and do fewer hours at work to spend time with her and even have time to to drop off/pick up from nursery. Money isn't a replacement for a loving supportive parent.

He didn't though, it was too expensive apparently.

That was after op saying it was inconvenient because of his work.

He has stood up to his mother but she manipulates him and ‘falls out with him’ it’s not a nice situation to be in when he is made to be the bad guy. I have no issues with him standing up to her.

Your husband needs to let his mom "fall out" with him over her unhealthy demand for custody time. Guess what. The result is the same. She shouldn't be seeing his kid when she's trying to make stupid demands. Your husband needs to say no and mean it and give consequences if she violates the boundary and asks again. No mom, you can't have x overnight. She asks again, don't answer her calls for a couple weeks. Grey rock. Distance. She asks again, 3 weeks. And so on.

Guess what. Some people aren't happy when they're told no. Tough. Your husband has to decide which is better, him taking his full and extremely limited but necessary custody time with his child or giving way to his mom's demand for a custody night that is not in his child's best interests. His mom kicks off, all the more reason to keep his child away. She's unreasonable. The child's mom wants nothing to do with her and has said no to her unreasonable demands. Why won't your husband put his foot down and tell her to stop in no uncertain terms?

Have you not been reading her updates?. He tried to get more custody.