To think not all women are “natural mothers” and some regret it but can’t say out loud?

I think there are so many reasons why parenting feels hard. And not just because it IS hard at times.

I think expectations are higher - whether you are consciously sucked into it or not, we’re bombarded with unrealistic expectations of what being a mother looks like. It was much easier to feel like a good mum in the past.

Although in theory traditional gender roles are less rigid now, I think demands have increased on women while men are still - largely - getting away without doing their fair share. And when they do, they’re “helping”. There’s more than ever on women’s shoulders.

There’s less stigma in men who abandon their child. On forums like MN we’re all deeply critical but in society it’s relatively commonplace. Too many women are shouldering it all single-handedly.

On a similar note, many of us don’t have a village or wider family support. Historically families lived closer, and the extended family were more involved.

This will be unpopular but (some) people are just more selfish now. Society overall is less caring and less altruistic. People want to have fun and resent a child stopping them - even though they may have consciously planned to have children. I think more people expect - possibly subconsciously- to have a child and still have lots of time to do what they want. And when it becomes obvious that isn’t possible for a while, they may resent their child. Social media doesn’t help, presenting rather unrealistic ideas about how you can “have it all”.

I think it’s really positive that women now feel able to say “not for me” when thinking about motherhood.

I love being a mum. It’s really hard at times - I have SEN twins who are 15 yrs old and will never live independently. They still need to be showered and fed, and taken everywhere. So I do understand how knackering it is, I really do. I just wonder if society wasn’t so hard on women and if we weren’t exposed to such a bombardment of harmful, unrealistic images whether so many would still feel as resentful?

I decided at age 11 when my mother gave me a book on the "facts of life" that I did not want children. Ive never wavered from that decision because I did not see how having children would serve my interests. I dont hate children. I used to be in a job where I would regularly conduct outreach activities with children (making models, quizzes etc). However at the end of that hour I was happy for their parents to come and collect them. It was not the children I did not want. It was the sustained responsibility. For many years I imagined that when nature put me together some of the bits were left out. The bits that concerned nurturing and closeness. Of wanting to be one half of a pair. Over the years I have gradually come to admit that I dont want to be one of a pair or the mother of a brood. I am complete in myself.

My DC is three and is the best thing ever to me. No regrets.

I think it’s changes you. I became really paranoid and anxious when i became a mother, I didn’t have a care in the world before. I’m much better now. If I had to do it all over again I would and wouldn’t change anything

Motherhood has always been a concept I never wanted for myself. There is nothing in the lives of my friends with children that I wanted for myself, for me raising another human is just not an attractive idea and never was.

Nowadays we have multiple ways to find out what motherhood is like before deciding if we want it or not. I really don't understand women who say "but people say it's wonderful, and natural and fulfilling"... I can't say that has been the majority, or even a significant part of what I have heard about motherhood along my life.

I am not surprised a lot of women regret motherhood, it's relentless, constant worry, boring, tiresome, the kids are sick all the time, and you spend years cleaning up bodily fluids. If not for that "overwhelming yearning" that many women profess to feel (which I gues is the biological impulse to reproduce), I don't think anyone would do it.

It’s common.

But it’s a hard one. You do t know how you will react to parenting until you become a parent.

I think parenting would be much more manageable if we had “the village” - but it all falls on the mum.

I love being a parent and really do enjoy the time I have with my kids. But I also have moments when I wonder why I had them - and this is coming from someone who likes parenting.

Agree. I don't know why you'd do it to yourself if you don't even really want kids in the first place. I know I'd be very maternal but at the same time I'd also be extremely stressed and having a breakdown everyday. So I didn't have kids. It's not really a hard choice to make for me.

You see i hated pregnancy, hated extended breastfeeding (did it because im lazy and didnt want to make bottles!) And hated the stage between about 6 weeks and 13 months.. I LOVE when they start walking, chasing me, playing a bit, starting to not be so physically attached to me, sleeping a bit better etc..
My eldest is 3 - ive loved every minute of the last year!
My youngest is 14 months - and ive hated every minute of the last year 🤣

Im 34 and would absolutely do it again, regardless of loosing my job (and colleagues!), friends, dreams and sanity!

My kids are young adults and when they were babies the only mothers who were publicly celebrated were the ‘brave’ ones who told ‘the truth’ about how hard it was. So this is not a new concept and I really think the established narrative is that it’s hard and miserable and if you don’t find it so you’re either a boring person with no aspirations or you’re lying. I’ve been accused of both but I lead a happy life and I’ve loved being a mum so I do my best to ignore the negativity.

I do agree that saying you regret motherhood isn’t socially acceptable and nor should it be. You’ve brought children into the world and IMO telling your truth should take a back seat to not emotionally damaging them by letting the world know you wish you’d never had them.

Yeah but there's a reason for the not saying it out loud part... children are human beings. It's not their fault. They don't ever deserve to hear that. And yes parenthood can be very hard. But like many choices you make in life it leads you down a certain path it's impossible to turn around. So really you have to try abd deal with it. For your and your child's sake.
But I totally agree that not all women are natural mothers. I'm pro choice and think every woman should really consider seriously if having children or not is something she can stand by even when it's hard.. and if there's the slightest doubt she should not do it.

For me though I fell pregnant unexpectedly in my 20s and chose to keep the baby. It was very very hard. I wasn't a natural mother. I developed PPP and depression. I lost my job. I had physical issues caused by the birth.
It was a very traumatic experience.
HOWEVER I stood by my choice and worked at it. I now consider myself to be a competent mother. I also have learned to value and enjoy parenthood. So much so that I went on to have two more children who I did feel more immediately maternal with.
Of course there's much more to life for women than parenthood but I do think it's deeply sad when some women end up being parents but can't embrace it.
I just view it as if it wasn't that it would be some other facet of life. Life doesn't always go how you want it to go and often you just need to make what you actually have meaningful and rewarding.

And it's important to be reasonable and look at the whole picture.
Parts of parenting can be very tedious and hard. Other parts can be joyful and rewarding. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
I certainly wouldn't consider myself to be a 'natural mother' but I love my kids very much and they have added so much to my life. I hope I am as good at mothering them as I could possibly be. That doesn't mean I don't have days where they've watched too much tv and the house looks like a bomb hit it because I can't be arsed.
You don't have to be out here being the perfect person and giving up your whole identity 24/7. Most people just muddle along doing their best.
I honestly think the whole concept of 'natural mothers' and/or regretting parenthood just makes something very complex into this silly black and white debate.
Most normal women will have days of their lives as parents where they think 'wtf was i doing having kids!!' and other days where it all makes complete sense. Theyll have days where they feel like theyve lost themselves and they'll have other days where they feel they've got everything they ever wanted.

I didn't want DC for the longest time and now I have 3 which certainly wasn't the plan but I don't have any regrets.

I hate the baby stage and was glad to get it out of the way. So far, I enjoy it more the older they get.

No - my family is full of ND people of all stripes.

I just find it strange that people sometimes make life-changing decisions like having a child without cross-checking what it will likely involve against what they know they can’t tolerate.

Maybe that’s where the myths of motherhood come in - people assume that becoming a mother can turn you into a person who’s not bothered by chaos and mess and noise and having no alone time, that it’s part of the process. Maybe it is for some people! But it hasn’t been for the folks I know, sadly.

The problem is that the modern way of bring a Mum isn't natural.

Before modern times (last 200 years) kids would have brought up by whole communities - by Mums, Dad's, Aunties, Grannies, sisters, loads of extended family members. Women would have got plenty of help and support and kids often went off and played together so women could have a break.

Now women are largely doing it on their own in their isolated homes - or with a bit of help from Dad often while both juggling busy jobs.

Oh and we're also supposed to be super Mums, always fun, amazing homemakers and run a permanent play centre for our kids - all on our own!

People have kids because-they see only the good bits and none of the shit bits like all fantasies
Fear of old age
All their family/friends are having them and they don't want to feel left out

I don't believe in a biological urge to have kids.

There’s a big difference between finding aspects of it tough and/or not enjoying parts of it, and regretting having children at all. I think everyone experiences the former to some degree. Regretting it completely - I think probably a lot fewer women are in that situation these days, now that we have the social choice not to and effective contraception. You can perfectly well still be “not a natural mum”, but not regret it either!

In previous eras, I think many women probably wished they hadn’t had children or had only done it because that was the expected role for women. My grandmother was someone who probably would have been better off not having children - she really didn’t enjoy it or like being a mother. These days though I know quite a few women who don’t have children by choice because they just don’t want to (as opposed to not being able to).

Me too. I think that comment is really silly too. It is optional now in most enlightened nations with reliable contraception and abortion rights. Looking at the birth rates, most women are having at least 1 child….

Always wanted kids, love being a mum. I do struggle with not being a natural at mothering (whatever that means). It’s the hardest work I have ever done, but also the most fun and satisfying. I love my kids so much and have zero regrets in having them. My only regrets are things I feel I should have done better as a mother. I gave it my all though and maybe one day I will feel I deserve the title of “good mother.”

If it were "optional," none of us would do it.

I would.

I don't think anyone is a natural mother, outside of the innate biological instinct to care for and protect our newborns. We just make up the rest and learn as we grow.

I actually think that at the moment, it's more unpopular to say you like being a mum. I love it 🤷 My little girl is 14 months old, and maternity leave was the best year of my life. She is my greatest love. For me, it was an earth shattering revelation. In some ways, it has changed me. She will always be my priority now. I've become more assertive. I won't stand for bullshit in relationships. I treat myself with more kindness. All because I want her to grow up seeing a mum who has a secure sense of self and good self/esteem/self worth, because I want her to grow up accepting herself, no matter what. I want her to know that she'll make mistakes and upset people sometimes, but that it's still okay to love herself.

But I'm still me. I still manage to go and do my hobby twice a week. I have the same friends. I have a life and interests outside of motherhood. I've not made mum friends. I just see my regular friends. I think continuing to have my own self outside of motherhood has helped me love it. I am lucky to have a great wife (we're gay) who pulls her weight and parents well. Lots of women don't have that.

Yes breastfeeding was hard but also reward. Sleep deprivation is hard. Thinking of 2000 meals a day is the worst. But seeing her experience everything for the first time is a magic which makes it worth it for me.

Definitely this i loved the young years but struggling with the teen years

I had a difficult time as a mum of babies/toddlers. I don't function well deprived of sleep and honestly find little ones quite boring. I always adored my kids but I feel I am enjoying motherhood as a mum to older kids. I truly enjoy their company. I don't try to escape for adult conversation - they are great people in their own right and I love spending time with them. So if you feel like you're 'not a natural mum' you may find you grow into it.

I think it’s not blank and white. I had feelings as a child that mum probably regretted me and my twin sister. Yet in our adult years I’ve felt pride and warmth from her. I think for many women there may be regretful phases in the early years, but in the later years reap the “rewards”. I think women can only truly answer the question of do they forget their children, when they come to the end of their life.

Lots of women were forced into motherhood by religion, societal pressure and their families. Lots of women have not been raised to believe they could grow up and not reproduce so as a result you have kids being brought up my women who resent the choices that were taken away from them and take it out on the resulting kids. Nevermind that the backlash is always easier on the man involved. My ex’s mum never wanted to have kids, but was forced to marry the bloke that hit her knocked up once. She ended up a shit mother of 4.

You struggle to imagine neurodiverse women exist?

Parenting goes on forever now a days!
My parents cut us loose at 17 and ee got jobs and fended for ourselves financially and emotionally.
It has come as a huge shock that I’m still very much involved in my older children’s lives.
Just didn’t see it happening and because I had 4 children in 14 years I have a long span of parenting.