To think the school could have cut DS some slack here

I'm a teacher (secondary though) and I can understand your point OP.

I'm also autistic.

He was trying to do the right thing, then he was told it was the wrong thing, now the world doesn't feel safe because he can't be sure what's right and what's wrong.

He shouldn't have shouted, but anger is the other side of the coin from fear and the school staff don't seem to understand this, or how punishing a kid for being frightened could have a very negative impact.

This is obviously a child with significant needs (has an EHCP at a relatively early age).

I think you should speak to the SENCO and consider what further steps can be taken to ensure your child's needs are being met.

This isn't about glue.

The 1:1 told me that he was told off mildly and overreacted.

From OP. She mentioned it a few times I think, but as she has been quite active and the thread is moving fast , it would be easy ro miss.

The TA actually told op she’d told him off for using too much glue?

The TA herself described it as a telling off, albeit, mild.

You’re doing more messing with his head by insisting that his being given an instruction was actually a telling off.

I see what you're saying, but I do also agree with others that it sounds like you are feeding in to his feeling victimised through your framing. You are putting the situation in the "angry' bracket when it is extremely unlikely that his 1:1 of three years, who knows him and must have patiently supported him through many difficult times, was suddenly angry about glue?

Can you teach him that there's such a thing as an ordinary voice? It's just somebody telling them something. And yes, I do think that unless he has very clear signs that someone is angry, he should be taught to assume that they are not. It'll help him navigate life a lot more smoothly than the other way around.

@Sprogonthetyne how did today go for your DS?Did you have a chance to talk to the school? Did he miss playtime?

Are we sure last year's teacher actually did prefer glue over the whole sheet? That would be incredibly unusual given the time constraints of a lesson and the cost of glue. Sorry if I've missed this at some point in the thread.

Thanks for explaining. I get it - I'm AuDHD and would also find that very unfair. The sense that the rules have suddenly changed and you don't understand them anymore is a scary one for a child (even NT children). I wonder if because he seemed to be coping so well that she didn't watch her tone and wording as carefully as she should have, not realising how much he was struggling? But I agree, there was no need to tell him off for doing it the way which was correct previously.

there was zero need to tell him off, or comment on it at all in that moment.

It could have waited until next time he needed to use glue, and before he did, just ask him to dab the corners so they didn't use up so much glue, so it lasted longer.

A 'telling off' is a scolding. You can give a child an instruction without scolding them. You're consistently using words like 'told off' and 'shouted at' to describe what happened, and I do have to wonder if that was the case? I totally understand that your ds might struggle to tell the difference between a neutral instruction and someone being cross at him, but if you yourself are framing it as a 'telling off' to him, you could be feeding into his anxiety.

What did the TA say that she said to him?

A few suggestions here about the TA doing the glueing. This is not good - he has the skills to glue. The last thing you want if his deferring to the TA everytime he can't be bothered (I know we are not at that stage yet), and I have seen many teenagers who down tools whenever they feel like it. Also, excessive glueing can be a way to avoid actually completing the worksheet.

Instructions are somewhere where perhaps progress can be made. A lot of kids can only process one instruction at a time - in this case, glue in your worksheet, done! But there are followups - dot the glue in one corner only - and the TA can help him process this. She could write down the instructions on a whiteboard, and then get DS to absorb both parts before starting the task.

TBH, there are ways of framing this without making such a fuss. It could simply be, "we are going to be more eco this year, so we want to use less glue". This is something you could easily reinforce at home.

I find it hard to believe he missed his whole break - kids always get a toilet break if nothing else. I imagine the reflection time was just a couple of minutes. It's hard to believe, also, that the TA shouted at him. This would be distracting to the whole class, including the teacher's input time.

You keep using the words 'telling off' and 'in trouble'. I wonder whether you're using that language with DS, and potentially feeding in to his anxiety. You need to frame it and help him to see it in a different way, because he wasn't in trouble for putting glue on wrong, and he wasn't told off for that. He was given a different instruction and given a consequence/asked to think about his behaviour/reactions the next day because of the shouting and screaming.

You need to help him to understand that the reason the teachers are asking him to reflect is not because of the glue. He needs reassurance that the teachers weren't angry at him because of the glue - and in fact they're not angry about the other behaviour either, because they know him and understand why he reacts like that.

No, but knowing that the child is prone to struggling to understand tone, you think ahead and alter how you approach it.. like how the OP herself has suggested she could have in numerous posts.

Oh.. we playing top trumps? I also have AuDHD, and i have 2 children with it.

I'm not the one apparently unable to have some empathy for an 8yo. BTW.. name calling is against the TOS, i've reported you.

Are you being critical here?
Is the teacher needing to begin every sentence/instruction with 'this is not criticism, you have done nothing wrong' even when they may have?

is she meant to stand next to him in school and interject every few sentence to tell him it wasn't a criticism?

As a parent you can explain the difference between a corrective instruction and a criticism as many times as you like, but that isn't going to translate to the brain of an overstimulated, trigger point autistic in a loud, school environment.

They do not have the emotional maturity to tell the difference in the moment.

Why are you finding that so hard to understand?

Lots of things will happen in life that a child will eventually need to handle - but theres a right time for learning those things.

We would hope children will leave home, go to university perhaps, set up their own homes - we don't use that as a reason to abandon children in the wild the moment they're weaned though!

I've never had someone at work, tell me to do something one way and then without warning, tell me that way is now wrong and I should be doing it a totally different way. I think if that did happen in a work place, the employee would rightly complain and possibly leave, if it were to happen frequently!

@OP So much of what you're describing has made me realise how much my AuDHD actually DID affect me at school... I would have reacted in exactly the same way (and now see how my occasional 'hot temper/lost her temper' moments were in fact meltdowns!) at being told to do something one way and then having that switched on me without warning!

He's a lucky kid to have a parent who does very thoroughly understand how he is thinking, whats going on for him, why he can't communicate or process at certain times. So many kids do not have that.

I don't know why so many people are choosing to be snarky arseholes - I'd want to have a word with his 121 about how this was handled and trying to ensure it doesn't happen again. It does seem to be a huge error of judgement (and not just one) on their part.

Its his mums responsibility to explain its NOT a criticism... yet she's on here saying it was one.
If she can't see it wasn't a criticism... then how is that going to help her son?