Men who abandon their kids

I also think the fact it's socially acceptable plays a big part in it.

My ex only paid CM to me when I contact his senior officers and they made very clear to him that they'd look very dimly on him dodging it. He claimed I hadn't given him my bank details and that he'd never financially neglect his children. His fury when his CO said "that's good that now you've got her bank details you can send all of it, you've been saving it right?" was both phenomenal and hilarious.

He stopped paying his ex wife the second he left the military. No one he respected cared so he didn't pay. Showed instantly that his reason for paying me wasn't anything to do with the girls - it was just about not looking bad.

Same reason why he'd get in touch demanding contact and threatening court when he had a new girlfriend who thought he should be a decent dad.

He was absolutely outraged a while back when a new girlfriend told the exes he owes CM to about his job and salary after he bragged to her about not paying them as he should. He genuinely feels betrayed and hard done by.

Despite all of the above he once again has a new girlfriend. This time he's all over social media playing stepdad of the year to her kids. And no doubt she'll be shocked when he ditches them as soon as they split up.

Yes. Lots of people in the thread saying women need to pick fathers more carefully, but I don't think there's any way to tell - the most seemingly-devoted fathers can completely lose interest once they leave.

Of course the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, so there's really no excuse for picking a man who's already abandoned one (or more) families.

I don’t think they “wait until the end of their fertility window then settle”.

It simply takes them that long to find a partner.

Age does not dictate when a man walks.

My ex was actually a stay at home dad until our kids were 5 and 8. Sadly, he had a mental breakdown due to schizophrenia and we broke up due to behaviours I just couldn't cope with (he wasn't a danger, but he became secretive, unpredictable and paranoid).

He had been a great dad and the kids loved him, it was devastating for them. He's never kept up regular contact, which I believe is is due to his illness. He lives in sheltered accommodation, and has not been in work or a relationship, I think he holds an element of shame in his situation which is creating a barrier. Even with numerous interventions from his family we can't get through to him.

There's absolutely no animosity between us, but it has been very hard to come to terms with, especially for the 2 boys. I can't help thinking that if he was a mother then there might have been more support and therapy to help him maintain a relationship with his boys - who i know for a fact he loves. I personally think that being away from his kids has made him FAR worse. But there is a stereotype that men can cope fine without their kids, they don't have the same bond or whatever, I don't think that's always the case.

Or just wear a condom.

With my friends, it’s definitely been the man pushing the idea of children. They all had their children on the later side though (35-45), and have all been very active and present fathers. It’s much easier for a woman to not have to go through with a pregnancy she doesn’t want in this country (which a couple of my friends did).

I think it’s also the general acceptance of it all though. I met a lady recently who’s child lived predominantly with their father and I admit I was a bit taken aback, where I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if it was the other way around.

If it wasn’t so unusual and it was accepted that either parent could leave, I wonder how many women would just get up and walk knowing they would not be the social pariah they would be now?

I think there's a lot of truth in this. My ExDp I thought, loved our daughter very much. She's long grown up, in her early 30s. Partner and I split messily last autumn (he's a cheater). He's hardly seen his daughter since and when they did meet, it was at her instigation. I'm so sad for DD. What a sad father figure she has.

Agreed. I went on a date once with a man who said the above.

Red Flag 1 - what did you do/not do, that she won't let you see them?
Red Flag 2 - when asked what he had done to challenge this, he shrugged
Red Flag 3 - he had 2 more kids with 2 more women since

Basically what I was trying to say!

My brother and niece both had experiences with unplanned pregnancies at 20.

Neither wanted parenthood.

My brother - tough shit - you’re now a dad.

My niece terminated the pregnancy and moved on with her life.

Society allows men to do it

My view varies on whether it was planned or unplanned and how he responded to an unplanned pregnancy.

The gender imbalance does not surprise me as if a woman REALLLLY does not want motherhood then even an accidental pregnancy does not have to result in motherhood.

Men who decide that the end of a relationship with a woman means abandoning the kids are the ones who baffle me.

Imo men tend to love the children of the women they are with, while they are with them.

This is my ex to a tee. He was desperate for us to have kids. We had multiple rounds of IVF that he funded. He jumped up and down like his team had won the cup final when they said it was twins. He spent hours with name books trying to find the perfect names.

The first few months he was all over them - fed them, changed them, got up for night feeds even when it wasn't necessary. Just the perfect dad.

Then he met someone else, decided to join the military and walked away. Didn't see them for 18 months, and even then it was only because he discovered his parents were seeing them after they approached me desperate to stay in touch with their grandchildren.

He's done the same twice more. Once to a woman he married and had three kids with. I have limited sympathy for her as she was very open about preferring him not having contact with my girls. Yet she was absolutely stunned when he did the same to her.

The last one had no idea he had any children at all until she was pregnant with their second child. He's not set eyes on their children since she kicked him out.

The only time he's interested in any of the kids now is if he has a new girlfriend and he's trying to impress. Then he's all about threatening court and wanting his rights 🙄

A lot of people mention feckless useless men who leave their child as a baby, but it’s just as often seemingly committed loving fathers who just up and leave one day, then prioritise their new girlfriends kids and leave their original family devastated because they never thought he was ‘one of those’ dads. It’s often the ones you would never expect.

Growing up, there was a family that lived opposite that was a mum, dad and one daughter. The dad was so devoted and lovely. He’d buy them both flowers every Friday. She was the absolute apple of his eye. I can remember wishing my dad was more like him.

The parents got divorced and the dad moved on and had more children with someone else. He’s not seen his daughter in years. He didn’t acknowledge her 21st, her graduation, her 30th. I would have never expected that of him.

I believe that some/most men don’t like children because they take up too much time, space and money. Their partners put the children first and they don’t like the lack of attention.

I also believe that it’s a sad fact that if you are contemplating a marriage or partnership with the person you love (for now) - you should consider what will happen to any children you may have. Will you be fighting for EOW, half the holidays or who gets Christmas Day? Or will you be chasing the CSA for payments or arguing over who buys the school uniform this term?

Wow. Awful, awful man.

There are many many reasons why parents don’t always end up in their children’s lives when they’re growing up. It is not always black and white, there is a huge grey area in between.

I have had to sadly watch my husbands child from a previous relationship be turned against him for years. And no I am not a sucker of a woman who believes the story of the “crazy ex” from their new partner. I’ve witnessed it all first hand and even tried welcoming her into my home when we first met which wasn’t met well.

Also my mother was not in my own life as a child. This was due to poor mental health.

Men seem to view children as an extension of women. When they lose interest in the woman, they lose interest in the children.

I also think a lot of men don't really want children. They agree either because their current love interest wants them, or because it makes them feel manly and they know she'll be the one doing all the work anyway.

This. I remember having a school friend with no dad and telling my own father about it (this was in the olden days when it was less common) and my dad bursting into tears and saying he couldn't imagine a dad not fighting to see his little girls and if it was him he'd do everything in his power to make sure he was always there for me. That's a proper man.

I think some men just see children as a slightly more advanced menstrual period. They're not emotionally attached and often think more of their pet dogs. The knots they tie themselves up in to avoid paying child support is something to behold. They view children as mere objects who don't need to eat, wear clothing, need transport etc. They're just an abstract concept.

I think some of them are less evolved and see fatherhood as a side effect of having sex, like dogs or cats do.

Another question would be, why do so many women choose to have children with men so quickly after meeting them?

My observation is that many women either wait until they are near the end of their fertility window and settle with a man they are not fully compatible in order to have children or women who know their relationship is crap but think that having a baby will ‘keep’ him.

It’s not a case of just blaming men, women need to make better judgements and choices when choosing their husbands and fathers of their children.

They’d rape them in a lot of cases…. Or stealth take off the condom.

It’s a lot easier to ignore children and pretend they’re not yours when all you did was nut 10 months earlier. Dad doesn’t grow the child and bond with it in the womb and if he’s not around the pregnant mum then he can completely ignore the whole process.

Many that I’ve seen also just deny the kid is theirs.

When it comes to children they did (or said they did) want, it’s scary how men can walk away from responsibility so easily when it wouldn’t even register as an option to almost all women. I saw in the recent “advice before getting married” thread lots of people saying not to have a child/children if you don’t want to be a single parent. Good advice but very sad

They have plenty of role models. Boris Johnson being one.