Men who abandon their kids

My DD had this when she was 1. She’s now almost 11. It was hard at first as she couldn’t understand where he’d gone. Then at 2/3/4 she would look at other daddies playing with their kids and quietly cry 😢 Of course he tells anyone he meets that I “wouldn’t let him see her” which is so blatantly false and in actual fact is the opposite of my stance in the early years - I begged him to be a dad (don’t, I know that was stupud now). Even his parents believed him!

Society gives them no incentive to stay and be responsible. We can disparage the nuclear family all we want but it put standards in place that meant there were repercussions most weren't going to risk for acting shamefully.

Maybe women are waiting because they are doing precisely what they are being told to do .build independence in their careers, make sure they know the man really well, not rushing into it. But thats apparently then also wrong? So what should they do then?

Even here where it discusses people leaving it late in the UK it discusses “people” not “women” and be it does not appear they are randomly waiting. But waiting for the right situation within which to have children.

https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2024-12-10-expert-comment-why-are-people-uk-leaving-it-so-late-have-children

Why do you think it’s fertility issues? Why do you think it’s women alone, “waiting”?

This report suggests “fertility issues” a not a primary factor.
I guess understanding it’s more complex just not suit your “blame women”
agenda.

news.sky.com/story/global-birth-rates-crisis-people-do-still-want-to-have-children-but-many-cant-heres-why-13381290

Read the thread.

Yes if you dont want to have sex without a condom then yes you would refuse to have sex without one. Not sure what your point is.

Are men the reason it is falling or women waiting longer and then having fertility issues?

Why men? are women not intelligent enough not to all think the same?

@PollyBell you've summed up very well why the birth rate is falling IMO!

The men have arrived!
What would we do without them.

How much effort do women put into ensuring the person they breed with has the same expectations and willingness to actually parent and everything it can possibly involve and willingness to alter and expect the unexpected once the child is born? and if the men dont step up then why on earth keep on having children with them?

Maybe men abandon the relationship not the children? is it better on the women to stay in a bad relationship with a man when it is not working just because they have chiild/ren together (I would ask better for the children but it seems parents want was is best for themselves)

The label 'disney dad' seems to be used constantly so maybe 50/50 should be the standard but then women complain they don't want 50/50, so if not 50/50 how can dads not be a disney dad?

There is lots of talk of TTC and biological clocks but how much effort into the thoughts around parenting and not just ''babies are cute I want one and I want it now'

How many stories of we had sex and now he does not want to play daddy, shock horror this is a surprise?

Society can go on about equality all it wants women are the only ones who can have a child

In all honesty the common theme is that a lot of men don't think of anyone other than themselves, even their own flesh and blood. Just see how many don't get gifts for their own family and leave it to their partner.

Men are more inherently selfish, because society has enabled them to get away with it and normalised it. If we normalised them being imprisoned for not paying for their kids or having a double tax rate to pay for their kids via welfare, they'd all kick up a massive stink...yes, for paying for the kids they co-created. It's so normalised that they can just walk away that the only person shocked is the mother of their kid.

I don't think it's so much that they don't want to be parents, it's that they don't want to do the parenting work. They are perfectly happy to take photos and throw a ball and do the fun uncle stuff. But the daily grind? No.

The majority of men have no interest in the day-to-day of actually parenting children.

They want sex, so they pander to women to get it, including saying they are open to the possibility of becoming a father. Child arrives, father unsurprisingly has no interest, leaves, moves on to other things.

A child is big business. Especially in the early years, i grew up around a younger brother who cried alot and he hated me. Then they grow up and as a parent there are so many things to do. There has to be a lot of love in a persons heart to not mind going through it.

Some of these stories are so frustrating and incredibly heartbreaking
I just dont understand them.
Of course time is more important than money (though both are vital) but this really is a critical issue to me and I would vote tomorrow for any party that sorted cms properly. Even USA has got it sorted better!

It makes me so angry when people say the woman should have chosen better.

I was with my ex-DH for 3 years before we got married and a further 5 years before we had DS (now 21) and DD (now 18). We had a great relationship and he was a model husband and father: hands-on, loving, committed, devoted. We were together for 20 years.

Then one day, 10 years ago, he suddenly decided he couldn't be bothered any more and left. He made little to no contribution to the children after that point, whether financial, practical or emotional. He never looked after them again and they were never able to visit him because he never did give us his address. He hasn't seen either of our children for 3 years now and we have no idea where he is.

The contrast between how he used to be and what he turned into could not have been greater.

But yeah sure, it's my fault for not choosing better.

The question was what happens if women refuse to have sex with men who don’t want to
wear condoms. I was adding one to the one’s provided.

First paragraph, absolutely. There is a direct correlation between their parenting effort and the reward i.e. shagging the mother of the child they are parenting. That's why so many men put more effort into second families and step kids than they do their first families.

And yet...in a way...that still relies on women..

As women, if we don't want to get pregnant then clearly the only option if condoms are the answer is to refuse point blank any sex without a condom.

Problem solved....

My 'father' had affairs and abandoned my mother and us four children (three girls and one boy under the age of eight). Never paid a penny in child support, my mother worked full time but we were incredibly poor and my poor mum had absolutely nothing for herself ever. He just upped and left. Demanded half the house. Moved thousands of miles away. My sister tried to get in touch when we were in teens and he left a disgusting abusive voicemail tellimg us kids how awful we all were and we were the scum of the earth (i was 8 when he left). He went on to have another family with kids. Now early 80's and split from 2nd wife too.

I've really wondered over the years what goes through someone's mind to do this. Why be so abusive and horrible to your own children. Leave them destitute to go and have another family. We were so very young and had done nothing wrong. My mum was a saint and the stress of this made her gravely ill and took her life.

It damaged me and my siblings for life.

If they are like that the kids are better off without them.

What did his family think of that. Surely his parents wanted to see them didn't they?

I think society accepts this behaviour from men. I always hate it when the singer Tom Jones is described as a national treasure when he has boasted so much about his many extra marital relationships. One of those resulted in a son who he completely rejected and refused to see. Absolute bastard of a man.