Page 6 | DSD picking newborn up and putting him back in Moses basket

Pinkpetal9999 · 2025-09-02T06:19:55+00:00

My DSD (12) was visiting, our newborn is 4 weeks old and still has a delicate neck. I am happy with DSD holding her brother as long as one of us has put him in a position that keeps his neck supported. She will hold him from time to time if we are in another room. However to my horror the other day I saw her taking him out of his Moses basket and putting him back. Am I being unreasonable in that I feel that’s a step too far?

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 15:56

Strawberries86 · 03/09/2025 14:49

@hungrypanda4 youve got to be cold as ice to consider a little girl a visitor in her own dads home. It might not be her primary residence but when you are a child, your parents are your home.

Christ alive what is wrong with people.

What's your word for a little girl spending some time at her dad's then?
She doesn't live there so she's ?

Dancingintherain11 · 03/09/2025 14:51

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 11:19

What is it about this "visiting" lark?
What would you call it, seeing as she doesn't live there?

And it wasn't "too awkward to talk to her"
She's a sensitive girl (as they often are at that age) and OP was concerned about embarrassing her.

And god forbid that a post natal hormonal mother should get mixed up about WHEN the baby cried exactly.

And as for "nit picking" I think you'll find that most mothers of 4 week olds are too exhausted and confused to even think straight, never mind nit pick.

So well done for supporting a concerned mother of step daughter and 4 week old baby.

You don't come across very well in your post, do you?

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She's not too exhausted and confused to post on here regarding her 'horror' that her dsd had picked the baby, which is a complete over reaction.

Strawberries86 · 03/09/2025 14:49

@hungrypanda4 youve got to be cold as ice to consider a little girl a visitor in her own dads home. It might not be her primary residence but when you are a child, your parents are your home.

Christ alive what is wrong with people.

Blessthismess2 · 03/09/2025 13:09

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 12:12

Or completely ignorant of the facts, as yourself.
In my humble opinion.

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Well we are all ignorant of the facts except the ones OP shared on the thread- so we’re all working with those and making our judgements.

Didimum · 03/09/2025 12:43

user1476613140 · 03/09/2025 12:23

Talk to both 11yo and 12yo about how to pick up the baby safely so you are not singling out the 12yo. Treat both the same. Demonstrate for them both. Then let each have a turn.

They won't know unless you show them!

The 11 and 12yr old DSD and DS are being treated the same. Read the posts.

hungrypanda4 · 03/09/2025 12:43

Strawberries86 · 02/09/2025 07:22

Visiting?

If she lives with her mother the majority of the time then yes, she was visiting. That’s the meaning of the word.

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 12:37

Silvercoconut · 03/09/2025 11:45

Yes well maybe she picked him up BECAUSE
he was screaming.

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Completely missing the point....

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 12:34

Littlemisscapable · 03/09/2025 11:31

Chill. You are over thinking this..

Who's this to? All the haters or the new mother?

user1476613140 · 03/09/2025 12:33

Tbh I don't think this is unique to blended families, even full blood siblings would need to be shown the ropes of holding a newborn safely at these ages. I had a 10yo and 7yo when my youngest was born 8 years ago. They had to be shown.

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 12:24

Dancingintherain11 · 03/09/2025 11:22

I know that the OP has explained re the visiting comment, but the fact she even said it in the first place says to a lot of us is that she doesn't view her dsd as part of the family.
I didn't say that she SAID it's too awkward to talk to her, but implied it because of her dsd's supposed sensitivity and embarrassment.

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re the visiting comment, but the fact she even said it in the first place

What should she have said then, considering DSD doesn't live there?
So far, the only suggestion we've had was
being present with her family

What would you suggest? * *

user1476613140 · 03/09/2025 12:23

Talk to both 11yo and 12yo about how to pick up the baby safely so you are not singling out the 12yo. Treat both the same. Demonstrate for them both. Then let each have a turn.

They won't know unless you show them!

Original poster

Pinkpetal9999 · 03/09/2025 12:18

@Petitchat I actually think there are a lot of helpful, constructive responses, whether they agree with my choices or not. But unfortunately they have been lost in between the high volume of bullies.

I think the double standards on this website now are just mind boggling. As I said certain PP would support a mother who screamed I hate you at her child, but is disgusted at the fact I’m not comfortable with my DSD (because let’s face the facts the hateful responses have not included their disgust to my son) picking up my youngest until they are able to stabilise their head/neck.
I would never in a billion years spew hatred on a post I didn’t agree with, it’s actually incredibly sad to know these people are mothers.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkpetal9999 · 03/09/2025 12:12

I was folding clothes in my kitchen which is attached to my living room (where kids were), so just to confirm I hadn’t left the house and gone for a mile long walk. I also have asked kids if any issues to give me or dad a shout. Also I can confirm he was asleep and not screaming when picked up. Screaming occurred mid/after

but very pointless to clarify as majority won’t read it anyway

OP posts:

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 12:12

Blessthismess2 · 03/09/2025 10:45

A lot of people think the fact that OP called her SDC a "visitor" was relevant to the context in the OP for several reasons. It is suggestive of how OP views the SDC's place in the family, and the nature of the relationship; this also comes out in the fact that OP is nervous to raise this issue with her SDC and describes her as being "sensitive".

It sounds like the SDC is an outsider in the family and that SDC is (therefore) insecure about her position within it, which would also naturally make her very sensitive to any criticism.

Many posters felt that this was the pertinent issue in the OP - more so than a 12 year old picking up her baby sibling - and advised OP accordingly.

This may not have been the type of advice OP expected or wanted, but this is AIBU. You post inviting others to evaluate your behaviour and advise according to that evaluation. That is what pp's have done. Nothing wrong with that at all, except where people were being gratuitously rude.

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Or completely ignorant of the facts, as yourself.
In my humble opinion.

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 12:05

Imagineallthepuppies · 03/09/2025 10:25

Blimey, whether anyone agrees with op or not she’s just had a baby! We all did things differently and it’s up to each family.
This thread is crazy! Remember when mumsnet used to be supportive (and fun)?

Yep, sadly those days are almost gone. Although, there are still a few well meaning, supportive threads if you look around 😊

Silvercoconut · 03/09/2025 11:45

Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 08:21

@kirinm this whole step parent narrative is boring sorrry. I have a biological son and all is the same in our house

we never had the discussion about picking up and putting down baby as to be frank, we didn’t really think there would be any time whilst he’s this small that it would be needed. One of us most is in the room majority of the time, I’d left for a moment whilst he was sleeping to do some washing. And when I came back it was mid him being picked up out of the Moses basket screaming

Yes well maybe she picked him up BECAUSE
he was screaming.

Didimum · 03/09/2025 11:41

Dancingintherain11 · 03/09/2025 11:28

Your son hasn't had the same treatment though has he?

You've not written a thread about him picking your baby up, and how horrified you were have you?
And you've not explained why it's ok to leave your baby with someone you don't even trust to pick up, you're irresponsible for not ensuring you are secure in the knowledge that your baby could be dealt with in an emergency, like if he were to choke and you're out the room.

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Your son hasn't had the same treatment though has he?

Yes he has. Read OP's posts.

You've not written a thread about him picking your baby up, and how horrified you were have you?

Her son hasn't tried picking the baby up. Read OP's posts.

you're irresponsible for not ensuring you are secure in the knowledge that your baby could be dealt with in an emergency, like if he were to choke and you're out the room.

Baby is 4 weeks' old. Can you clarify how long OP has been out of hospital or how many times the DSD has met the baby? Can you clarify that both the parents haven't told the 12 and 11yr old children what to do in an emergency? (Call for or immediately get a parent strikes me as the most obvious answer rather than to pick up a 4 week old, choking baby).

Didimum · 03/09/2025 11:36

Dancingintherain11 · 03/09/2025 11:22

I know that the OP has explained re the visiting comment, but the fact she even said it in the first place says to a lot of us is that she doesn't view her dsd as part of the family.
I didn't say that she SAID it's too awkward to talk to her, but implied it because of her dsd's supposed sensitivity and embarrassment.

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That's an awful lot of assumptions with zero evidence, other than how you personally interpret two words of language.

andthat · 03/09/2025 11:34

Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 09:41

@Falseknock he has been on colief since 2 weeks, there’s no improvement. Unfortunately dr has said just ride this one out and at 3/4 months should get better. Absolutely killer but we are doing as much as we can to relieve it - baths, massages, feeding upright, keeping upright as much as possible after a feed. It’s pretty relentless - hence why even more so it’s only me and my partner feeding him and I’m perfectly fine with that. I am not causing our baby to be more uncomfortable and in pain just so any member of the family can feed him

Not the point of your thread @Pinkpetal9999 but if he doesn’t improve, ask them to consider CMPA. It’s very common but still not well understood by some GP’s

Your baby doesn’t have to be regurgitating or vomiting either… a cows milk protein allergy can cause silent reflux… often confused with colic.

Ps… love your no nonsense replies! Congrats on the baby!

Littlemisscapable · 03/09/2025 11:31

Chill. You are over thinking this..

Dancingintherain11 · 03/09/2025 11:28

Pinkpetal9999 · 03/09/2025 10:40

@Dancingintherain11 whilst you may think you’ve made a brilliant summary of the post in full, you fail you include that my son who is 11 years old had the same treatment (and I understand why, it doesn’t fit your narrative)

I will save myself the time and effort, I am not and will not spend another day explain myself to someone who has painted their own picture in my head.

If that’s what you believe, so be it. I hate my DSD, I’ll soon be demoting said child to the dogs bed/or maybe the cupboard (I’ll see how I’m feeling on the day) and god forbid she touch my child (see how I use I, because he’s mine and my DH has no say in what I do or how I parent)

Have a wonderful day.

Your son hasn't had the same treatment though has he?

You've not written a thread about him picking your baby up, and how horrified you were have you?
And you've not explained why it's ok to leave your baby with someone you don't even trust to pick up, you're irresponsible for not ensuring you are secure in the knowledge that your baby could be dealt with in an emergency, like if he were to choke and you're out the room.

HappyAsASandboy · 03/09/2025 11:26

If she is capable of lifting the baby safely, then let her.

If she isn’t capable of lifting the baby safely then don’t leave the baby alone with her.

Don’t leave your baby alone in a room with a sibling that may harm your baby. I would really really avoid telling her she isn’t allowed to hold the baby without you, as it will seem like you don’t trust her. At 12 she will think she can do it, and resent you (and then the baby) for thinking she can’t. So just don’t let the situation arise, by keeping the baby with you when DSD is there.

This is a short term problem. A few more months and the baby will be robust enough to be picked up and help by DSD. Just control the situation (not the DSD!) until then.

Dancingintherain11 · 03/09/2025 11:22

Didimum · 03/09/2025 10:39

Your dsd is 12 years old, she's not a baby. I actually think (judging by your comments about her visiting, and making out it's too awkward to talk to her) that you resent her and are looking for any reason to nit pick about her.

OP has explained 'visiting' was just meant as a quick phrase as she doesn't live here – do you have a reason for disbelieving this?

She also didn't say it was awkward to talk to her. She said she was sensitive and she didn't want to upset her. Why are you inventing phrases the OP hasn't used?

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I know that the OP has explained re the visiting comment, but the fact she even said it in the first place says to a lot of us is that she doesn't view her dsd as part of the family.
I didn't say that she SAID it's too awkward to talk to her, but implied it because of her dsd's supposed sensitivity and embarrassment.

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 11:19

Dancingintherain11 · 03/09/2025 10:20

OP, you've contradicted yourself in your posts, as you've said that you found your baby screaming mid being picked up, then implied that he was screaming afterwards, so that doesn't make sense for a start.

Also, instead of being 'horrified' that your dsd was picking your child up, maybe you should be thankful that a) she's obviously trying to bond with him, and b) she might've been worried that he was upset or uncomfortable or whatever, and so decided to try and comfort him.

If you don't trust her to even pick the baby up, then you shouldn't have even left your baby in the room for a minute (and I bet you were gone for a good few minutes at least if you were folding the washing), as anything could've happened which meant your dsd could've needed to pick the baby up. Your baby could've been choking on his own vomit or milk or whatever, so it's totally irresponsible of you to expect her to watch him but not even attempt to lift him out of his basket.

Your dsd is 12 years old, she's not a baby. I actually think (judging by your comments about her visiting, and making out it's too awkward to talk to her) that you resent her and are looking for any reason to nit pick about her.

You don't come across very well in your posts.

What is it about this "visiting" lark?
What would you call it, seeing as she doesn't live there?

And it wasn't "too awkward to talk to her"
She's a sensitive girl (as they often are at that age) and OP was concerned about embarrassing her.

And god forbid that a post natal hormonal mother should get mixed up about WHEN the baby cried exactly.

And as for "nit picking" I think you'll find that most mothers of 4 week olds are too exhausted and confused to even think straight, never mind nit pick.

So well done for supporting a concerned mother of step daughter and 4 week old baby.

You don't come across very well in your post, do you?

thepariscrimefiles · 03/09/2025 10:58

KarmenPQZ · 02/09/2025 11:38

YABVU if the poor girl needs to ask permission for physical contact with her sibling then you need to ask her permission from her for physical contact with her dad!

You're being ridiculous. Unless OP's physical contact with her step-daughter's dad could hurt his delicate neck, this is an absurd comparison.