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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD picking newborn up and putting him back in Moses basket

607 replies

Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 07:19

My DSD (12) was visiting, our newborn is 4 weeks old and still has a delicate neck. I am happy with DSD holding her brother as long as one of us has put him in a position that keeps his neck supported. She will hold him from time to time if we are in another room.

However to my horror the other day I saw her taking him out of his Moses basket and putting him back.

Am I being unreasonable in that I feel that’s a step too far?

OP posts:
ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 02/09/2025 10:21

Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 10:14

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime can I actually ask what wording you would have used? Because I see it no different to say my DSD was staying with us?

"My stepdaughter picked up my newborn." No need at all to point out that she isn't there all the time.

Chipsahoy · 02/09/2025 10:20

My ten yr old held my newborn all the time. Make sure you show them how and stress importance of neck support.

Jk987 · 02/09/2025 10:18

Why is that horrifying? I don’t get it.

Doesthishelptrauma · 02/09/2025 10:18

When I was 12 (in the 90s) my mother got me to help with her childminding ! One of my jobs was to bath dress and feed a 4 month old ! (Which I now realise wasn’t right she was just lazy and getting me to do jobs so she didn’t have to!) but I was SO careful and responsible so it is definitely possible a 12 year old can safely pick up and put down a newborn

Falseknock · 02/09/2025 10:18

Petitchat · 02/09/2025 10:09

I know right 😁
Lots of budding fantasy authors and playwrights on mumsnet.....

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Or childhood issues. The op has already said she doesn't treat their children differently. What posters are forgetting is that the ops DSD is comfortable enough to pick up her baby sister. She isn't walking on egg shells and loves the new arrival.

Assssofspades · 02/09/2025 10:18

Smilesinthesunshine · 02/09/2025 10:15

How does she sound insufferable? Nobody should be happy about their 4 week old being disturbed, let alone not being picked up properly. You are obviously one of the many divorcees on here, that cant handle the word step.

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Happily married for 5 years and two children with my husband, never divorced. I suppose that doesn't fit your narrative though. I was, however, lucky enough to have a step mother when growing up, who wasn't an ogre.

Regardless, she does sound insufferable, the 8 'thumbs ups' and the vast majority of the replies on here just go to show.

Smilesinthesunshine · 02/09/2025 10:15

Assssofspades · 02/09/2025 07:40

You sound insufferable

How does she sound insufferable? Nobody should be happy about their 4 week old being disturbed, let alone not being picked up properly. You are obviously one of the many divorcees on here, that cant handle the word step.

Original poster
Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 10:14

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime can I actually ask what wording you would have used? Because I see it no different to say my DSD was staying with us?

OP posts:
Tryinghardtobefair · 02/09/2025 10:11

I'm not going to give a YABU or YANBU because ultimately holding unsupervised is parental preference. I'd personally be fine with my 12 year old DD picking up a baby, but I'm not going to criticise someone who isn't.

I am going to give some colic suggestions though. My daughter had awful reflux and colic as a baby - laying her on a changing mat, using baby cream or oil to do the "I love you" pattern of baby massage and then alternating between cycling her legs and gently wiggling her lower body at the waist often helped give her a bit of comfort. I suspect she had wind that was trapped in an awkward spot where she couldn't pass it in either direction by herself.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 02/09/2025 10:10

ByAgileLemonPoet · 02/09/2025 10:01

Oh just leave her alone

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Oh just stop defending crap behaviour

Petitchat · 02/09/2025 10:09

JudgeJ · 02/09/2025 10:02

Poor girl only visiting her dads house having to sneak a hold of her sibling.

I love how MN can create a story out of the slightest thing, nowhere does it say she was having to sneak about, another anthology of MN step-mother bashing.

I know right 😁
Lots of budding fantasy authors and playwrights on mumsnet.....

Y2ker · 02/09/2025 10:08

If you're leaving her to watch him (which is fine) then she needs to know how to pick him up and put him down safely. Just show her and your son.

Hiptothisjive · 02/09/2025 10:08

Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 07:30

Visiting, staying with us, it was a quick and to the point post. The living arrangements we have really make no difference to this post

But it does in the way that you view her and your attitude to her.

StarlightRobot · 02/09/2025 10:07

Aw, I feel sorry for the 12 year old girl who caused horror by picking up her four week old brother. I hope you were kind to her and weren’t harsh. It is a sweet thing for her to want to do and all that is needed is a bit of guidance so that she knows what to do next time. Also sad for her that you think of her as someone visiting rather than this being her home and her family.

Obeseandashamed · 02/09/2025 10:06

I think it’s lovely that DSD wants to be involved. Maybe talk to her about how to do it and teach her. That way she feels included and you feel reassured. YABU

JudgeJ · 02/09/2025 10:06

EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/09/2025 08:08

Why are you allowing her hold the baby unsupervised, crossing boundaries.
She either helps or she doesn't.
Some 12 year olds are naturally good with babies, my 16 year old, wouldn't have any interest, she wouldn't know how to lift a baby.
At 4 weeks old, I wouldn't like her lifting the baby.

I was 29 when my first baby was born, she was the first new born I had ever handled!

rainbowstardrops · 02/09/2025 10:02

ByAgileLemonPoet · 02/09/2025 09:54

Can’t believe the responses OP I would not have been happy about that and made sure she did not do it again. Of course she shouldn’t just be taking him out of his Moses basket he’s not a toy FFS. Please make sure she knows not to do it again and only holds him under supervision. She’s 12 and a child and even an adult should be checking with mum or dad if it’s ok to take a baby out of his Moses basket and not just do it!

I was going to say the exact same thing!

@Pinkpetal9999I can’t understand the shitty responses you’ve had on here! How many people would seriously be ok with a child picking up a sleeping baby in his moses basket without permission from the mum or dad? I for one wouldn’t be ok with it! I wouldn’t even be ok with an adult picking up my sleeping baby to be honest.
You've done nothing wrong. Oh and my son had colic too. I cried when the Health Visitor said to ride it out because it usually goes by 12 weeks. That seemed like an absolute eternity when you’re in the thick of it, so you have my sympathy! Flowers

JudgeJ · 02/09/2025 10:02

Poor girl only visiting her dads house having to sneak a hold of her sibling.

I love how MN can create a story out of the slightest thing, nowhere does it say she was having to sneak about, another anthology of MN step-mother bashing.

ByAgileLemonPoet · 02/09/2025 10:01

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 02/09/2025 10:00

You didn't use the wrong word though, did you? You think of her as a visitor and not part of the household.

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Oh just leave her alone

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 02/09/2025 10:00

Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 09:32

@Rosscameasdoody it’s actual insanity on MN. It’s not the first or only SM to post and use the “wrong” wording and all hell break. I haven’t slept in about 4 weeks, I can just about string a sentence together ha.

Anyway I don’t have time time to sift through the messages, so I’ll take the snippets of advice I’ve got an get on with the day

You didn't use the wrong word though, did you? You think of her as a visitor and not part of the household.

Katiesaidthat · 02/09/2025 10:00

You teach her and your son how to do it safely and preferably not when you´ve just put him to sleep. His head won´t roll off you know, they´re pretty hardy things bearing in mind the pounding they receive at birth.

ByAgileLemonPoet · 02/09/2025 10:00

It’s your baby OP and don’t ever let anyone tell you what you should and should not be comfortable with.

Original poster
Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 09:58

@nomas yes a step to far in terms of what I’m comfortable with the kids doing with our newborn… people’s need to read into something more than necessary is exhausting

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 02/09/2025 09:58

Strawberries86 · 02/09/2025 07:22

Visiting?

If she lives elsewhere, presumably with her mother, then she is visiting, it doesn't mean that the OP doesn't make her welcome, only in MN eyes.

Falseknock · 02/09/2025 09:58

Pinkpetal9999 · 02/09/2025 09:55

@viques combination feeding which I’m actually finding breast milk seems to be easier on his stomach. I am struggling to get my supply up enough to EBF/express so have to stick with combination for now.
Its frustrating that all advise has been just ride it out, which is heart breaking when he’s in so much pain and discomfort and nothing is helping.

Try and up your food intake and try and get her to latch on now and then. That may help.