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AIBU?

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Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

396 replies

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:07

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

OP posts:
NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:55

Naunet · 01/09/2025 22:42

And so I bet you're doing most of the parenting too...

Yes. He went to his hobby on Saturday and I was with DSD from 10 until 6. Loads of lovely pictures from the hobby and not a thank you to me. Mind you, my brother went with him so it must be a selfish man thing

OP posts:
Bajaner · 01/09/2025 22:54

You know this is beyond unacceptable OP. Good.

The real question is what you’re going to do about it.

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:54

It started with an extra £20 or so every month and it’s escalated to this.

whenever I bring up and issue it’s said at the wrong time, in the wrong tone, or I’m adding to his “already shit filled bucket”.

he’s said sorry for “taking it out on me” but not for his reckless spending.

he spends £££ on cannabis.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 01/09/2025 22:53

I’d cost up living alone (without dd) and show him how much better off you’d be. I know you’d hate to do that to her but you’d be better off taking her for weekends than supporting him while he neither parents or supports you. Tell him you’re doing this.

SapphOhNo · 01/09/2025 22:52

You're a mug if you keep in this relationship.

Amybelle88 · 01/09/2025 22:52

He is one cheeky fuckin twat! But I feel very sorry for his daughter - her two parents clearly aren’t that arsed about her.

FioFioSILK · 01/09/2025 22:48

My daughter is moving with someone who is woeful with money and just life generally. He has an acquired brain injury. I still think she ought to get rid of him. And they have a child together. Your choice is questionable and I'd encourage you to understand why you think this is good enough.

EatSleepDreamRepeat · 01/09/2025 22:48

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:14

He works on a casual contract at home, so he said he has been working FT. I’d expect at least £2000 for the hours he said he did.

we do have a bills account he has paid nothing into it. Which is why I found out

He's lied to you. That would be a huge issue for me. If he had taken unpaid leave with his daughter that would be entirely different but he must have known he hadn't submitted enough timeshares or whatever.

jonthebatiste · 01/09/2025 22:46

Why, WHY do some women think so little of themselves?? Let themselves be walked over, talked to like shit, treated like shit. It makes me sad and angry at the same time.

PigletSanders · 01/09/2025 22:45

OP, don’t sacrifice yourself for this. I’m sorry. He’s so awful. But don’t ruin your life for the sake of someone else.

BeltaLodaLife · 01/09/2025 22:44

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:42

Holiday club

But why did you pay for holiday club when he took unpaid leave one months an then just didn’t work the next month either?

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:42

BeltaLodaLife · 01/09/2025 22:41

Why does a 6 year old have nursery fees? Did you mean wraparound childcare?

He is isn’t actually working then he needs to be doing all the childcare. But you also need to absolutely stop paying for anything for him and anything for the kid. And kick him out.

Edited

Holiday club

OP posts:
Naunet · 01/09/2025 22:42

And so I bet you're doing most of the parenting too...

BeltaLodaLife · 01/09/2025 22:41

Why does a 6 year old have nursery fees? Did you mean wraparound childcare?

He is isn’t actually working then he needs to be doing all the childcare. But you also need to absolutely stop paying for anything for him and anything for the kid. And kick him out.

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:41

I feel desperately sorry for his DD. She is only 6, I wanted to support here as I’ve been in her life since she was 3. She would be devastated if I left.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 01/09/2025 22:39

You need to stop enabling this.. have a JA and pay in your half. The other half is his problem!!! If he doesn’t step up realistically what on earth can you do other than leave…?? Very sad for his dd but ultimately he is responsible. Best of luck to you. Not easy xx

Shewasafaireh · 01/09/2025 22:38

So effectively, if DSD is with you, you’re supporting both of them out of your wages and savings?

OP please, he’s taking advantage of you. And there’s definitely something else going on, probably in the form of an addiction.

angry panda GIF by Steve Konklin
Naunet · 01/09/2025 22:38

So you're not even married but he's expecting you to fund not just him, but his child?! Absolutely not, just stop, he's doing this because he knows you'll step in and fund everything.

buffytheslayer · 01/09/2025 22:37

What would he do if he was single? That would be the end of it for me

Whenlifegiveslemons · 01/09/2025 22:37

But he's not too depressed to spend/waste money?! I'm sure changes with home life & his daughter maybe difficult, but why is he not taking responsibility for this - he should be. It's not your weight or cost to carry. If he feels depressed he needs to see a doctor and then work out how he's going to pay you back his share and his share going forward. I wouldn't be using my own savings, absolutely no way. Don't be a doormat or he will always use you as one, I say this with kindness.

PigletSanders · 01/09/2025 22:35

What an utter using cunt he is. How can you stand it, OP? He’s so ungrateful that you’re carrying him and his child.

I don’t believe he’s been working. He’s pathetic.

latetothefisting · 01/09/2025 22:31

biological miracle he's managed to have a child when he's still a baby himself

seriously OP how on earth can you find someone so utterly pathetic and immature vaguely sexually attractive?

I think my vagina would self-seal and possible shrivel up like one of those big vacuum packed bags you put lots of clothes in and then hoover the air out of, watching someone be prepared to leave their child go without while they treat themselves to takeaways and their hobby.

5foot5 · 01/09/2025 22:26

Is there any wonder his exW divorced him?

I see he is only a DP not a DH. Good. I agree with everyone else. This man is not a good long term prospect. Dump him

LemondrizzleShark · 01/09/2025 22:26

I would also be separating. £350 is pisstaking - he must only have worked a couple of days this month (or he is lying to you and hiding money).

BeltaLodaLife · 01/09/2025 22:26

How are you even in this mess? It’s only happening because you’ve covered for him in the past and he is just seeing how far he can take it. You’ve shown your hand; you’ll pay for everything, including fun days out for him, and all the housing costs and food and bills… so why should he bother. He’ll keep his money for himself.

There is no way this just started; he’s been doing this or building up to it, yes? And now you’re just used to paying whenever he doesn’t want to.

Don’t. Don’t pay any bills for him and send him a list with the total he owes from whenever he hasn’t contributed to the household bills. And do not pay his nursery bill.

You really do need to just end it though. He is a waster.

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