Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

This with bells on! He's taking the piss and you're being a mug. Why would you let him do this to you? Where are your self worth? I would leave the loser asap. The child will be moving anyway so you won't see her much. Take care of yourself and DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY HIM.

This doesn’t sound good. I’d suggest you sort a joint account for all bills and if he can’t commit to that then I’d be reassessing the situation. I’m wondering what the unpaid leave was for. Hopefully something he desperately needed otherwise it’s a worry. He needs to be more responsible. Don’t be his mother. He needs to be responsible.

He's a drug user with a young daughter who he palms off on you.

he isn't honest with you about his wages and what he's actually earning because he's a drug user.

You're effectively financing his drug habit because you're giving him a roof over his head and taking responsibility for his child while he buggers off out.

hes emotionally blackmailing you by closing down conversations because he's stressed. Yeah right.

im sorry to say but he saw you coming, didnt he. Remember he's a drug user, you know he's lying because his lips are moving.

Real catch, what’s his number? Can I have him?

“he spends £££ on cannabis”

So you are subsidising not only his lifestyle and his child, but also his drug habit. Is this really how you want to be spending your money? How very easy for him to say you are making things worse whenever you bring up the subject - but he won’t change, OP, which is doubtless why his ex left him. You need to do some hard thinking about what you want from a partner, because he doesn’t sound like much of one.

Is this really what you want for yourself? A man child who prioritises weed consumption whilst you run yourself into the ground paying for everything. Suspect you’ll look back in ten years + with regrets. At least your not married, what does equity look like in the house? I suspect given his earning history won’t be able to take on mortgage hy himself but maybe you can buy him out? Or sell. It might be worth pointing him in direction of benefits advisor, he can get UC help with rent etc. as a single parent,

Why have you been with a druggie man child for so long?

He's a waste of space op. Get your standards off the floor and leave

May I also add, smoking cannabis is not a hobby. Knitting is a hobby. Building model airplanes is a hobby. Playing rugby is a hobby. If that hobby time is going out and getting high he’s an even bigger waste of space.

Casual work at home and weed mean he’s spending his days stoned or recovering from being stoned - tell him the cannabis use stops immediately or he can move out. Weed messes with your mental health and is an avoidance mechanism for life

I just found out he’s an addict.

OP - you need to leave him. He is an absolute loser.

No, he doesn’t work full time hours. He would get more money if he was on benefits!!

He needs to get out of the house and get a job. He’s an absolute loser.

Also, why does he have hobbies when he can’t afford to support himself or his daughter??

Why are you putting up with him?!

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I don’t doubt that that your partner has experienced difficult life events and he may well be severely depressed and that can also lead into selfish and manipulative behaviours. Cannabis misuse can also play into severe mental health and is extremely addictive so I do think there’s more than him just being an arse here - However you playing the “rescuer” in this situation is not sustainable.

This poor 6 year old has a mother who has abandoned her and a father who at the very same time can’t step his arse up to try and be the constant that she needs. Fair enough if it was a shock that her other parent left but the fact that he then put her in holiday club knowing full well he hadn’t worked enough to pay for it and then has the gall to tell you you’re kicking him him when he’s down when you’re the only one providing financial stability for his daughter and I presume a roof over his head and food on the table. He’s taking the absolute piss because he knows you will be there to pick up the pieces and he’s not even apologetic about it which is the most shocking part. For most people if they only worked enough to earn £350 a month there would be a very real fear of not being able to pay the rent / afford food however off he swans to his hobby whilst you’re using your savings to keep the lights on? I’m sure you can see that something needs to change ASAP. If you do not put your foot down now then your relationship will be over as this will only breed resentment.

Also think about how many single mothers there are who’s partners do just up and leave - and how many of them you hear off who have the luxury of just smoking cannabis all day, working to earn £350 and popping their kids in holiday club expecting their partners to pay for the rest. It just doesn’t happen - it’s extraordinary !

He needs to

1. stop smoking cannabis and if he needs support with this week that out himself and engage with services. This will enable his to be a better dad his daughter only has him as a parent in the UK and save him money
2. get help for his mental health and have a huge attitude change - showing some respect and appreciation for you
3. be completely transparent with his finances - with how he has behaved and lied I would personally as another poster suggested be asking for his money to be paid directly to you and you give him a proportion back he can spend - and you should pay yourself back what he owes you from your savings. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a gambling aspect here - because if you genuinely believed he was working where has he actually been ? Has he been getting up and dressed and pretending to work whilst actually just going to smoke cannabis all day?

For me this is the only situation in which I would consider staying around. It sounds cruel for DSD but like is said if you put boundaries in place for him now he’s more likely to sort himself out - plus it sounds like you actually have some savings at the moment that you could use to help DSD should you wish to in the future however if you allow him to deplete that now whilst he smokes cannabis you will be in a situation where nobody can help this poor girl. I do also think as someone else has stated that safeguarding or social services need to be aware of the situation. They might be able to offer him support - with his mental health or emergency finances or something. I would ask citizens advice bureau about this.

Good luck

I went out with someone exactly like this (except for the weed). Pissed away his money on himself and left me to finance everything else, getting myself into huge debt. I got the same manipulation and pity party every time I tried to address it. After a miserable 2.5 years I broke up with him and he was genuinely shocked as he apparently had no idea the money was an issue. When I pointed out all the arguments we'd had, he said, 'Yes, but I didn't know you were being serious. If I'd known that, I would have paid you back.' By the end of it, I hated him because he was a dead weight I had to carry around.

Anyway, my point is, people like this don't change. He's not going to suddenly start taking responsibility. End the relationship now as things will only keep getting worse. Mine had a child too which I felt huge guilt about, but as hard as it sounds, it wasn't my job to make his child's life better at my own expense. Plus, his son is now an adult and I know they are NC, which says a lot.

He is being paid properly. He just hasn't done any work. The £350 isn't an error by his employer. It's because he is a lazy work-shy twat who only thinks of himself and spends all his money on cannabis and his hobby, leaving OP to pay for everything else, including supporting his daughter.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

That’s convenient.

Oh come on! Kick the loser out. I didn't know what a cocklodger was before I joined Mumsnet, but he is one of theh worst of this particular species and he has some very stiff competition on here.

He is absolutely brazen and unapologetic about his piss taking and exploitation of your good will. He is spending his money on his hobby and cannabis, leaving you to pay for the child that isn't even yours. No matter how much you love his daughter, you need to leave for your own well being and self-respect. He is bleeding you dry.

What the fuck am I reading???
every day on here I am more and more astounded at the absolute shit women are tolerating from pathetic, useless fuckwits. This one is the bloody icing on the cake.

OP, this man is a scrounging, neglectful drug addicted waste of space. Honestly throw him back. Adopt the girl if you can but sever your ties with this loser.

another one with a “hobby”- what are these fucking hobbies I keep reading about on here that makes people think that they can just excuse themselves from being a normal, bill paying, caring parent/ partner???

OP please get rid of this specimen

Has he ever paid his fair share? He sounds too immature to be someone's partner, never mind a decent father. If he hasn't been working, why did he send his DD to nursery when he couldn't afford the bill? How can he just pay nothing into the bills account and not tell you?

I would leave him as he sounds completely useless and he's massively taking advantage of you. He can't afford hobbies. Are you left looking after his DD while he does his hobby? I can't believe how cheeky and entitled he is. You need to find your anger.

Call social services, tell them there's a little girl whose mother has abandoned her to a father who doesn't work, smokes weed, and is unable or unwilling to parent her. Make sure the safeguarding lead at her school is aware of this too. Then leave. And stay left.

You aren't doing this little girl any favours by papering over the cracks. If you really love her, get her the help she needs. You can still continue to see her on a weekly basis if that's what you both want.

Would you consider reversing your current financial arrangements so that all of his wages go into your account (or your joint bills account etc) and then an agreed amount for personal spends is transferred back to him. That would ensure his monthly commitments are satisfied and he only gets to fritter what’s leftover. It doesn’t help you this month and you’re stuck with £350 but might be an option for the future once he’s being paid properly in future.

This is not a partnership. He’s not your partner. He’s a flatmate that you have sex with and support financially. You’re not even a household with “his money/my money” and “I paid for this/ he paid for that”. How much longer are you going to financially carry your flat mate?

Wow he saw you coming didn't he.
Get rid of this looser, your life will be much better for it.

Why would you want to continue funding his selfish, lazy ways, his child, and his drug habbit. Just imagine what a better quality of life you could have if you didnt have to bail him out, or had a partner contributing their half.

About time the useless man grows up and learns how to have some responsibility for providing for his child without you as a backup

Op you need to reframe this.

Your DP is not woeful with money - he is a selfish workshy man on drugs who would rather play out at hobbies than work, care for his daughter, pay his fair share, or spend time with you.

He is not going through some terrible stressful time - he’s been asked to care for his daughter.

You are not adding to his shit bucket or bringing things up in wrong tone or time - he doesn’t like to hear the truth and shuts you up

You don’t care about money - of course you bloody care about money! Money pays for everything. He needs to start paying his way or leave. You are not remotely selfish to expect him to contribute.

It sounds like this has gone on likely the 3 years you knew him but gotten worse now. It’s simply because he can’t do normal life responsibilities. He’s not depressed - he’s an eternal child who wants women to pay for him, cook for him, clean for him and look after his children.

Honestly he cannot change and things only get harder as he’ll not step up in any way. What will happen if you ever got a cancer diagnosis? What will happen when his daughter goes off rails as teenager? What will even happen at Christmas when he buys no presents as he’s barely worked and spent what little money he gets on weed?

You need to look at the big picture here and realise this is not a good relationship and not a man you can build a life with

Cannabis aside, which is grim BTW that he is prioritising his recreational drug use over feeding clothing and housing his child, men like this use "the script" (not the breakup one), as a way of emotional manipulation.

It's basically an "I'm so stressed, I need you on my side, don't add to my plate, I just need more time" script to keep you financially on the hook for their shitty life choices.

I'll tell you what, he's not bothered how upset his daughter would be if you left because he's not doing anything to make sure he keeps you.

Don't come back to me with "he's so lovely, he's so kind, he's helped me through some dark times, we've been through so much together, but I love him" because that's exactly what he's banking on.

This guy doesn't deserve another chance. If you give an inch he'll take a fucking mile.