Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I collect the kids, from ex house when he collect after school

60 replies

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:03

want to hear some opinions, I’ve always collected my children from ex house after he’s had them for a few hours after school 3 times a week. We use to co parent great , but now it’s down to minimal communication. I put this down to the new gf as only started since they’ve been together. So after years of collecting them after he’s given them tea, I’ve now said I will not be collecting them, he can bring them to my home (5-10 min walk ) he said he cannot commit to that! What do I do? I have to stop my day to collect them am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 19:08

bitterexwife · 01/09/2025 19:04

Oh my god, please say you promptly left that!?

Show quote history

I didn’t join, I didn’t respond tbh I think I was

  1. in shock that she had the audacity to even think about parenting my children that she’s maybe met 2 once. 2) even spoken to me
  2. the disrespect from their dad for even all over to do it. ( maybe I’m wrong on this one but I felt hurt, we’ve managed to parent really well for the 7 year we split up so why now? )
OP posts:
bitterexwife · 01/09/2025 19:04

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:30

After they have been together for 4 months she added me to a WhatsApp ‘parenting group’ she created

Show quote history

Oh my god, please say you promptly left that!?

Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 19:02

CagneyNYPD1 · 01/09/2025 18:57

So no CAO, no maintenance, no over nights, 10 hours contact per week, ignores his own dc when out shopping. DC with additional needs and mental health concerns. Blimey @ForLoudUmberScrollerthat’s a lot on your plate.

I get it now. Yes, it’s only a short walk to collect the children. But it is yet another thing on the to do list.

Perhaps suggest taking it in turns. One week you collect, the next week he walks them back.

Ok may suggest every other week . Thank you. I’m really not trying to be unreasonable with the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:59

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:58

possibly , however I’ve tried many years for him to have the kids longer than 10 hours week . Before the gf. So if he can have a new relationship why can he not have a better one with his kids first?

Show quote history

He collects from school 3.30-6 3 times a week

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:58

Mrsttcno1 · 01/09/2025 18:55

The risk is you push back and he says ok, no problem, I just won’t have them at all then. Would that really be better for you?

It sounds like you’re only really trying to change it out of spite that he has a new girlfriend, if you need those child free evenings I would just continue as is.

possibly , however I’ve tried many years for him to have the kids longer than 10 hours week . Before the gf. So if he can have a new relationship why can he not have a better one with his kids first?

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 01/09/2025 18:57

So no CAO, no maintenance, no over nights, 10 hours contact per week, ignores his own dc when out shopping. DC with additional needs and mental health concerns. Blimey @ForLoudUmberScrollerthat’s a lot on your plate.

I get it now. Yes, it’s only a short walk to collect the children. But it is yet another thing on the to do list.

Perhaps suggest taking it in turns. One week you collect, the next week he walks them back.

Mrsttcno1 · 01/09/2025 18:55

The risk is you push back and he says ok, no problem, I just won’t have them at all then. Would that really be better for you?

It sounds like you’re only really trying to change it out of spite that he has a new girlfriend, if you need those child free evenings I would just continue as is.

Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:55

Fangisnotacoward · 01/09/2025 18:51

If they are aged between 8-14 and its a 5-10 min walk, can they walk themselves? Your eldest drop you a text to say they they are on their way so you can expect them home soon after?

tbh I wouldn’t feel comfortable, 2 have additional needs and are not safe without an adult

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:53

Endofyear · 01/09/2025 18:22

Has you wanting to change the arrangement got anything to do with the fact that he has a new girlfriend OP?

Maybe for the reason everything on how he communicates with me , dictates things to me . It could also be the fact he wants a life to live , but no extra time with his kids . I’m all for him being happy we’ve been split up a long time . My kids benefit from both parents being happy and respecting each other.

OP posts:
Fangisnotacoward · 01/09/2025 18:51

If they are aged between 8-14 and its a 5-10 min walk, can they walk themselves? Your eldest drop you a text to say they they are on their way so you can expect them home soon after?

JWhipple · 01/09/2025 18:51

Why can't he have them overnight?
What isn't he paying maintenance?
Can you meet halfway (either literally halfway between houses, or he walks them two evenings and you collect on the last one)

Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:49

LoveSandbanks · 01/09/2025 18:36

Where is the laugh emoji when you need it!

Maybe if he won't commit to brining them back to your house, she will - as she's so keen to get involved!

Rise above it - but I agree, if he's only having them for 10 hours a week, he should bring them to you. Why no maintenance? Thank God he's an ex, the new girlfriend has got herself a right prize!

Show quote history

lol I did t respond she maybe had only met 2 of the kids by then . It feels she has turned the whole situation into something she can handle . ( gf has son 50/50 through courts , no contact with dad) feels like she’s manipulating our previous awesome coparenting to nothing . Especially when the kids can see it .

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:44

jeaux90 · 01/09/2025 18:41

So there is no CAO in place? Just this verbal agreement and he pays no maintenance?

No CAO he contributes to trust funds . Weve never needed mediation or anything think that before.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:43

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 01/09/2025 18:35

You should love your children more than you hate him (and his new girlfriend). You’re clearly jealous that he had moved on and is apparently happy. But you are causing your children to suffer if you change the arrangements. If it’s a 5-10 minute walk for him, it’s a 5-10 minute walk for you too. Hardly a trek up Everest. Stop your day? It’s a few minutes. For your children. You probably spend more time each scrolling on your phone than it takes you to get them. Grow up.

Oh I love my children dearly , so much I wanted to be a single parent to 4 young children 7 years ago. As I was doing it alone anyway. Yet I’m still wanting my kids dad to be involved . I don’t hate him , I’m glad he’s happy I just wish he would help out more. I have a job I don’t have time to scroll

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 01/09/2025 18:41

So there is no CAO in place? Just this verbal agreement and he pays no maintenance?

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 01/09/2025 18:36

You can do what you want but he sounds so useless he might stop bothering to see the kids at all.

but stand your ground and put in a claim to Xmas for maintenance.

LoveSandbanks · 01/09/2025 18:36

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:30

After they have been together for 4 months she added me to a WhatsApp ‘parenting group’ she created

Show quote history

Where is the laugh emoji when you need it!

Maybe if he won't commit to brining them back to your house, she will - as she's so keen to get involved!

Rise above it - but I agree, if he's only having them for 10 hours a week, he should bring them to you. Why no maintenance? Thank God he's an ex, the new girlfriend has got herself a right prize!

Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:36

WickedElpheba · 01/09/2025 18:31

maybe offer to collect them on one of the days but ask that he drops off on the others

I agree with you that's it's not a lot if he only has them ten hours a week but I'm assuming that's three evenings and it does sound like the only reason you're asking is because things have changed at his end

Ok I haven’t thought of that, yes quite possible I’m upset that he has prioritised the gf and her kid (not his ) . Also other thing , I was shopping one time he and gf were in the same shop both of us were paying he ignore the kids that were with me at the time . My daughter has started SH and has written in a diary about dad and gf. Obviously it’s gonna be many reason not just that.

OP posts:
FreyjaOfTheNorth · 01/09/2025 18:35

You should love your children more than you hate him (and his new girlfriend). You’re clearly jealous that he had moved on and is apparently happy. But you are causing your children to suffer if you change the arrangements. If it’s a 5-10 minute walk for him, it’s a 5-10 minute walk for you too. Hardly a trek up Everest. Stop your day? It’s a few minutes. For your children. You probably spend more time each scrolling on your phone than it takes you to get them. Grow up.

millymoo1202 · 01/09/2025 18:33

Why’s he paying no maintenance if he has so little time with them?

WickedElpheba · 01/09/2025 18:32

Also

It does sound like the ex wants to limit contact and that WhatsApp group sounds controlling tbh

And I do get you're perspective of you were basically being friendly before and helping one another but now he won't even talk to you so why should you help him out?

WickedElpheba · 01/09/2025 18:31

maybe offer to collect them on one of the days but ask that he drops off on the others

I agree with you that's it's not a lot if he only has them ten hours a week but I'm assuming that's three evenings and it does sound like the only reason you're asking is because things have changed at his end

Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:30

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:26

Possibly. As I said we co parented amazing before gf . And we’re only allowed to email.

Show quote history

After they have been together for 4 months she added me to a WhatsApp ‘parenting group’ she created

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:28

Bluevelvetsofa · 01/09/2025 18:24

Well, if both of you dig your heels in, what will happen? Will he refuse to have the children at all? In which case, they miss out because they aren’t seeing their father and you miss your ‘me’ time because they aren’t seeing him.

i have asked him to see them more , and occasional weekend off every other month . I will not stop him seeing his kids .

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:26

Endofyear · 01/09/2025 18:22

Has you wanting to change the arrangement got anything to do with the fact that he has a new girlfriend OP?

Possibly. As I said we co parented amazing before gf . And we’re only allowed to email.

OP posts: