Do I collect the kids, from ex house when he collect after school

ForLoudUmberScroller · 2025-09-01T17:03:34+00:00

want to hear some opinions, I’ve always collected my children from ex house after he’s had them for a few hours after school 3 times a week. We use to co parent great , but now it’s down to minimal communication. I put this down to the new gf as only started since they’ve been together. So after years of collecting them after he’s given them tea, I’ve now said I will not be collecting them, he can bring them to my home (5-10 min walk ) he said he cannot commit to that! What do I do? I have to stop my day to collect them am I being selfish?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/09/2025 12:08

Perhaps the suggestion should be that he feeds them and you pick them up at 6?
Or he drops them to you for 6pm [with homework done] so you can get dinner on and be ready to feed them?

Or does he already feed them because it doesn't sound like it

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 02/09/2025 22:21

Four children and he pays no maintenance? Why?

jeaux90 · 02/09/2025 20:43

ForLoudUmberScroller · 02/09/2025 15:45

Normal was us co parenting , like proper parents. Until gf came along .

You need to stop blaming the GF you do know he has free will and clearly a bit of a useless asshole to start with. No overnights or actual maintenance.

Original poster

ForLoudUmberScroller · 02/09/2025 15:47

ForLoudUmberScroller · 02/09/2025 15:41

All accounts are in my name for kids , no issues . No I wouldn’t say I’m struggling for money , i get by I’m not in debt . Kids aren’t spoilt .

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I’ve never been the mum who wants money tbh , I want time . I want my kids to have time with their dad I believe that’s more important

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Original poster

ForLoudUmberScroller · 02/09/2025 15:45

Normal was us co parenting , like proper parents. Until gf came along .

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Original poster

ForLoudUmberScroller · 02/09/2025 15:41

SecretNameAsImShy · 02/09/2025 15:17

Dad is not paying maintenance but contributing to trust funds? That sounds off to me. To you have access/sight of these trust funds or are you just taking his word for it?

Do you struggle for money OP? If so, he should be paying maintenance.

All accounts are in my name for kids , no issues . No I wouldn’t say I’m struggling for money , i get by I’m not in debt . Kids aren’t spoilt .

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Original poster

ForLoudUmberScroller · 02/09/2025 15:39

dodobedo · 02/09/2025 12:11

I was going to suggest picking them up late too, he'll soon get fed up.

But thats a bit passive agressive really. My choice would be to simply tell him i'm not picking them up anymore and thats that. He can bring them home or keep them there.

I have , and he’s said that he cannot commit to dropping them off at mine

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SecretNameAsImShy · 02/09/2025 15:17

Dad is not paying maintenance but contributing to trust funds? That sounds off to me. To you have access/sight of these trust funds or are you just taking his word for it?

Do you struggle for money OP? If so, he should be paying maintenance.

dodobedo · 02/09/2025 12:11

I was going to suggest picking them up late too, he'll soon get fed up.

But thats a bit passive agressive really. My choice would be to simply tell him i'm not picking them up anymore and thats that. He can bring them home or keep them there.

itsgettingweird · 02/09/2025 12:02

I was going to suggest that.

WhatsApp’s of “running late, just got in - will be 15/20 minutes”.

Of that’s all it takes him to walk them home and back himself I bet he’ll start doing it rather than keeping hold of them!

Rayqueen · 02/09/2025 12:01

Tbh the new gf isn't manipulating anything, the only one wanting to change something that has been normal for a long time is you and your change seems more like you want to be annoying suddenly not them which doesn't look great and why rock a boat that was fine. If you had been saying it was them wanting to change things then maybe I would have read it better but when I was a single mum similar situation I kept everything as it was when he met someone new and it stayed that way until the kids became late teens. I would rather not rock any boat and keep things smooth for my children.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/09/2025 11:57

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 01/09/2025 18:35

You should love your children more than you hate him (and his new girlfriend). You’re clearly jealous that he had moved on and is apparently happy. But you are causing your children to suffer if you change the arrangements. If it’s a 5-10 minute walk for him, it’s a 5-10 minute walk for you too. Hardly a trek up Everest. Stop your day? It’s a few minutes. For your children. You probably spend more time each scrolling on your phone than it takes you to get them. Grow up.

She doesn’t sound jealous at all - she sounds remarkably laid back in the circumstances.

If it’s “hardly walking up Everest” then it isn’t for him either!

It is surely a bit galling (not that the OP comes over as thinking this) that he has no time to have his kids more than 3 x 3 hours a week but he has time to find a new girlfriend/ pursue the relationship. On the flip side, the OP has zero prospect of starting a new relationship because she has the kids basically all the time.

TinyCottageGirl · 02/09/2025 11:54

Endofyear · 01/09/2025 18:22

Has you wanting to change the arrangement got anything to do with the fact that he has a new girlfriend OP?

I don't even know why this matters - why should OP always be the one to collect them? With 4 kids and the fatc his kids never stay over he should be able to drop them some of the time at least.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/09/2025 11:52

Surely he needs to pay maintenance in these circumstances? He’s hardly having them at all, and no overnights.

It is ridiculous that his gf has created this group but I would just ignore.

At ages 8-14 can they walk themselves? I know you’ve said that two have additional needs, but not clear how severe these are. Not that it’s ideal neither of you want to make the journey but it might be good for teaching independence? My exh lives a similar walk away and DS 11 likes walking back and forth himself.

Or could you take it in turns?

Farmwifefarmlife · 02/09/2025 11:47

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:20

I wasn’t happy doing it before, but I did to help him out. He has the kids under 10 hours a week . No over night stays no maintenance . I feel he should give a little .

Can you do one pick up and he does one drop off? Split it? I understand it’s not fair but maybe the only way? Or just don’t collect them and see how long it takes from him to drop them back😂

jeaux90 · 02/09/2025 11:42

HE is being unreasonable. I’d be going for a CAO and proper maintenance. Don’t blame her she has a proper 50/50 agreement in place. BUT if you do think there is some controversy or control with the new GF even more important to get a CAO in place you might struggle to maintain contact arrangements, take them on holiday etc if you want to.

bumbaloo · 01/09/2025 22:17

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 01/09/2025 18:35

You should love your children more than you hate him (and his new girlfriend). You’re clearly jealous that he had moved on and is apparently happy. But you are causing your children to suffer if you change the arrangements. If it’s a 5-10 minute walk for him, it’s a 5-10 minute walk for you too. Hardly a trek up Everest. Stop your day? It’s a few minutes. For your children. You probably spend more time each scrolling on your phone than it takes you to get them. Grow up.

He has them 10 hours a week , pays no maintenance and no overnights and you are speaking like she’s the one at fault 🙄

Original poster

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 19:46

WickedElpheba · 01/09/2025 18:32

Also

It does sound like the ex wants to limit contact and that WhatsApp group sounds controlling tbh

And I do get you're perspective of you were basically being friendly before and helping one another but now he won't even talk to you so why should you help him out?

Yes. There’s nothing between us and never will be , but the kids need to see us get on as we were before.

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ChineseAlan8910 · 01/09/2025 19:20

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 18:30

After they have been together for 4 months she added me to a WhatsApp ‘parenting group’ she created

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Well she can get f-ed with that Whatsapp group!

Original poster

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 19:20

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 01/09/2025 19:14

Let’s face it - no maintenance, no overnights. 10 hours a week and “can’t commit” to a 10 minute walk… he’s not a co-parent so much as a babysitter. That’s not the new GFs doing, if he wanted to be a proper dad then he would be a proper dad.
If you don’t want to rock the boat, just keep the babysitter sweet. You only need him for a few more years then you won’t need him anymore.

I get that. I suppose I’m just fighting a losing battle. I want the kids to spend time with their dad , they love their dad I just wish he would act more of a dad than the baby sitter ( for a start times where I could actually go out in the evening)

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ChineseAlan8910 · 01/09/2025 19:17

I refuse to drive my kids anywhere, he moved away (40 minutes) and has an electric car. I don't get much free time, school to school pick ups are better. You need to start not driving them, not swap halfway through.

Original poster

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 19:15

CagneyNYPD1 · 01/09/2025 18:57

So no CAO, no maintenance, no over nights, 10 hours contact per week, ignores his own dc when out shopping. DC with additional needs and mental health concerns. Blimey @ForLoudUmberScrollerthat’s a lot on your plate.

I get it now. Yes, it’s only a short walk to collect the children. But it is yet another thing on the to do list.

Perhaps suggest taking it in turns. One week you collect, the next week he walks them back.

Yes I am struggling tbh . I don’t think I’m depressed just struggling .

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Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 01/09/2025 19:14

Let’s face it - no maintenance, no overnights. 10 hours a week and “can’t commit” to a 10 minute walk… he’s not a co-parent so much as a babysitter. That’s not the new GFs doing, if he wanted to be a proper dad then he would be a proper dad.
If you don’t want to rock the boat, just keep the babysitter sweet. You only need him for a few more years then you won’t need him anymore.

Original poster

ForLoudUmberScroller · 01/09/2025 19:12

BlueMum16 · 01/09/2025 19:10

Put a claim in for CSM. He needs to financially support his DC
Arrange for a later time if you are collecting, say 7 or 8pm depending on kids bedtime as you have things to do.
He will either find time to return them or you get an extra hour.

He think the trust fund money is contributing , he also use to offer help for school uniforms shoes etc I haven’t thought about collecting them later tbh thank you for the idea

OP posts:

BlueMum16 · 01/09/2025 19:10

Put a claim in for CSM. He needs to financially support his DC
Arrange for a later time if you are collecting, say 7 or 8pm depending on kids bedtime as you have things to do.
He will either find time to return them or you get an extra hour.