Perspective on BIL GF please

What is doing to make this a partnership?

Well think about it the other way - she would be happy to be in a partnership with him but he doesn't want this. You don't even know if he would think about asking her for money. Am actually not sure why it's anyone's job to bail him out - if the business isn't working out, he needs to find another way to support himself.

A two year relationship with very disparate income is not a great start to getting financially entrenched. If they break up (he doesn't seem 'that' committed) then she will be out of pocket. Maybe she's happy to have the extra savings and quite happy not to go out several times a week - that's a lot for most people anyway.

Because it's not a partnership if it's all one-sided. You think she should pay for him, but he shouldn't have to make a commitment to her. So it isn't a partnership, because he refuses to make it one. She's protecting herself.

OP, I completely understand you don't want his mother to be taken advantage of. However, you seem to think someone who he could brush off in an instant should bankroll him.
Do you not see why many of us are in the GF/Partner's camp?

No, that's nonsense.

Where you might get a difference in responses would be if it was a woman who had gone part-time or given up work in order to look after their children. If the hypothetical woman you're imagining was providing the childcare and allowing her partner to work without having to worry about sick days and school holidays then yes, he shouldn't be squirrelling away cash for himself while she goes without. We've all read that scenario many times, which might be why that poster is thinking that a woman would get different answers as it's a fairly common issue - and one that may well be financially abusive.

This situation is nothing like that one. And a woman who comes on AIBU complaining that her boyfriend won't fund her lifestyle and she'll have to ask her parents for a bailout would get short shrift. She'd be told to get a proper job and give up on a business that leaves her short.

Goodness, the OP is very determined to only reply to the 2% that think they are not being unreasonable.

I think it’s none of your business either way!!

I think your BIL girlfriend sounds great and really level headed. He, on the other hand, sounds like a right moocher. Hopefully she’s got the sense not to tie herself to him!

And now imagine if the GF posted here:

”AIBU for thinking my partner’s SIL should mind her own business instead of expecting me to bail out her BIL? We were chatting over a few glasses of wine over the weekend and she was quite upset that my BF is asking his mum to tide his business over financially while it goes through a lean patch when she believes I could afford to bail him out from my own savings and not rely on MIL to do so. We are not married because he has no interest in making that commitment to our future, so there is no financial protection if I were to do so, and also, if I bail him out once, where would I have to draw the line? I’m worried that this would change the balance in our relationship: I want a partner, not a liability, especially if he’s not prepared to marry me, when of course we would combine finances and there would be family money available for those lean periods. BF’s SIL thinks I’m taking advantage of MIL, but doesn’t seem to understand her BIL would be taking advantage of me if he relies on me for that financial support without being prepared to put a ring on it.”

Kindly, your BIL needs to step up and sort his own mess out and not expect either his partner or his mother to fix things. To you, getting money from the GF may seem like rhetorical easy option, especially when you’re concerned about your MIL, but the reality is that their relationship is not yet at a place where that is appropriate. At his choice. Your BIL needs to grow up and work out his priorities and responsibilities, and be realistic about whether he is able to sustain the business or should instead look at going back into regular employment and marrying the partner, who sounds like she has her head screwed on right.

Edit: clarity

Fair play to her. I reckon if a lot more women took this stance and had the same boundary then there would be a lot less cocklodgers getting away with it

Why not??

You haven't said why you think she is wrong for not paying more than her share?

Have you ever read AIBU? She'd get torn to shreds for being greedy and entitled.

Yup, me too

No you wouldn’t. There would be comments about the girlfriend being a gold digger.

Yes, I agree.

If the girlfriend in this situation was my daughter, I would be proud of her for knowing her worth and also supporting her boyfriend separately by scaling down her lifestyle to prevent him going further into debt.

If the sexes were reversed here and it was a woman who wanted to go out for fancy dinners etc., but couldn’t afford it and expected her partner to buy things for her when he was perfectly happy staying in and spending time together I think you’d get some different answers!!

Absolutely he shouldn't be running to Mummy to help with his bills. I am with you there. But neither is it her problem - she wants commitment it appears he's not willing to give!

I would advise my daughter not to bankroll a man who won't marry her. If I had a friend whose boyfriend's business needed cash, I'd be telling her not to help him out. She'd be foolish to make a significant financial commitment to someone who won't make a legal and emotional commitment to her (the legal aspect being more significant).

If they get married, their assets are shared. Until then, it's a terrible idea for her to bankroll him.

Absolutely not. We don’t have a lot of information from OP. The girlfriend, in my view, with the info we do have, is probably making v sensible decisions.

lf, on the other hand, she is using money to move the relationship in the direction she wants that could be read as manipulative

It doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy relationship; they want v different things, she’s highly successful, him not so much. How old are they? If he’s 30+ and needs baling out by anyone I would regard that as a massive red flag

Do BIL and his GF live together? If yes, it's possible she is already helping out by paying more than her share of the rent/bills.

I don’t know why you’re so confused?

She’s behaving impeccably. She’s supporting him by not going out and rubbing his face in it that he can’t. She’s saving her money sensibly, not flashing it about. She has made it very clear she loves him and would marry him tomorrow and share her life, love, and money with him.

He doesn’t want to marry her (whether it’s commitment issues or just doesn’t want marriage in general), so until they’re on the same page, why should she bankroll him and act like they are a committed partnership when it’s not what he wants?

It also sounds to me like your BIL's GF is making a point to him - this is your life if you don't take more financial responsibility and don't marry me.

When you marry until then neither party has any obligation to financially support the other.
This may seem cold to you but he clearly doesn't see her as a "partner" or wife material so why should she finance him?