Perspective on BIL GF please

No, she shouldn’t be loaning him money if he won’t marry her. Absolutely not. And I hope my daughters never end up with a man like that.

She’s a smart lady. I hope she sticks to her guns. They are not married, their finances are not enmeshed, she is quite right to protect her money and let him worry about his.

Good for her!

Your BIL decided to give up employment to run his own business. It is hard and even when the business succeeds the first years can be financially challenging. Now he's having a problem financially (hopefully a temporary blip) and BIL has decided someone needs to help him, in this case his mum. Your BIL has also decided he doesn't want to make the commitment of marriage to his girlfriend. Fair enough.

But the GF is also allowed to decide things too. Her healthy, hard earned bank balance and wallet is something she is only prepared to share with a man who is her husband. Why should she subsidise him? Why should she make that sacrifice when he refuses to marry? She is already curtailing her activities to support her BOYFRIEND. She could be saying 'Nah, I'm going to carry on enjoying the luxuries on my own. You stay here at home while I live the high life'. Now that would be like rubbing his nose in it. If your MIL wants to help her son that is up to her. You are interfering and the GF should have told you to get to fuck and pay for little Timmy's living costs yourself if you are that worried about him.
It isn't unfair treatment or fucking blackmail. How the hell did you leap to that in your judgement of the GF. You clearly have a fixation on other people's finances and an attitude that they should spend their money in a way you approve of.

I think she’s very, very sensible. The guy has a girlfriend and she’s giving him the girlfriend experience. If he wants the wife experience he needs to make a commitment. Too many of us give the wife experience in the hope that they’ll see how great we are and make us their wife only to get fucked over.

It’s not a partnership unless there are two people in it. If there’s just a woman in it who wants to get married, then handing over her income to salvage his struggling (failing?) business is being a doormat, not a partner. If he decides he wants a partnership, he will tell her. Hopefully for his sake she hasn’t gotten sick of waiting changed her mind about him.

She is absolutely right. Marriage is a legal contract, being a girlfriend of a few years isn't. Why shoukd she support him when she has no legal contract to protect her investment in him?

if she gave him the money, and he pissed it up the wall and they're not married... what is the comeback for her? none

If she lent it to him with a contract and interest and a payment plan? what would you think of that then?

She is being VERY sensible. There is already an element of "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" already. Clearly she wants to get married. Clearly he (stupidly) doesn't. That's all on him.

What a woman - totally admire her for sticking to her guns. Why should she bail out someone who is not prepared to marry her. How many threads on here do we see where the woman has helped out the man and he has shat all over her.

She's fucking ace.

My kind of gal!

If he won’t fully commit to her why should she commit financially to him.

He wants wife perks on girlfriend standing.

I admire the GF’s boundaries! I think 2 years would be a very short time frame to start having joint finances with no marriage on the horizon, especially as she earns so much more. She is joining BIL on the sofa instead of doing things he can’t afford without him. And she is no more of a bank than your MIL. If she starts paying for more than 50/50 now, when will it stop? She sounds very sensible and sounds like their relationship is built on love not convenience 🥰

But you do know, so why pretend you don’t? She’s told you very clearly at what stage, which is when she’s married, how could you not know? And she’s also told you quite clearly that it’s not her choice to step up or not, and that she is happy to, actually she’d love to, but it’s up to him. So why on earth are you interpreting these really clear facts she’s told you herself all upside down with this bizarre ‘I don’t know’ and ‘she doesn’t want to’?? And if unmarried, she has her principles that she won’t support a man. Good for her. She sounds awesome.

Why is it that when MIL helps out she’s potentially being ‘taken advantage of’ but if the GF bailed him out she’d just be ‘stepping up’??

At what point does it become a true partnership? Well it sounds like it already is if she’d love to marry him (at least it is in her eyes) but that’s a different question to whether she should bail him out. There is thread after thread on here of women who have bailed out, loaned money to, taken a loan out for a man who won’t marry them, and when they realise the ‘partnership’ is going nowhere feel that they can’t leave because they will take a financial hit. Marriage brings financial protection and I don’t blame her one bit for not bank rolling him without that.

I actually don’t think that MIL should feel
obliged to do it either, certainly not without a repayment agreement upfront. My ILs have kindly loaned us money in the past, when we moved to a much more expensive part of the country for my DHs work. We didn’t ask for it, they offered, and we drew up a repayment agreement before we had the money that worked for both sides. New businesses are notorious for swallowing up cash and MIL needs to be sure she will see that money again.

I think you are being unnecessarily negative about BIL GF when she’s just being cautious and sensible. I can’t help wondering if you would expect him to bail her out of the shoes were on the opposite feet…..

She'd be mad if she married him.

Why doesn't he want to marry her? Is 2 years too soon?

Hallelujah! a woman with her head screwed on.

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in. She said that he can have access to whatever money the want if they get married. But she wont support him until then, even as a loan. I asked if she would actually marry him and she said she'd marry him tomorrow if he asked, but he doesn't want to get married.

YABVVVU. So unreasonable I cant quite believe it.

He won't marry her.He doesn't want to get married but she is happy to marry him.

You think she should freely lend him money when he treats her like that. He's not willing to commit to her but you expect her to supply him with money.

Why doesn't he get off his arse and support himself. He messed up his earning potential by starting a business that isn't working out. I wouldn't be bailing him out either unless he married me.

But he doesn't see it as a committed partnership with her, so why should she treat it as such.

What about your relationship with your husband, OP? Did you have children before marriage? Did you pay towards his mortgage when the house is his name only? How did your support your DH prior to marriage?

I don't think marrying him would be sensible actually. He'd be a drain on her. She'd lose some of her income possibly. Tying yourself to someone like him when you make an income like that doesn't sound sensible.

If she was actually manipulating him he would not be asking MIL for help and they would be planning a wedding. She has told you more than you had any right to know, which is that she would be happy to marry him but he’s not interested in that, and I’m sure the conversation was actually quite hurtful for her. It can’t be much fun to think that you can be valued for your money but not wanted for a long term commitment from the person you love.

It’s interesting that the MIL in seen as being at risk of being taken advantage of but the girlfriend wouldn’t be if she was to bankroll him.

As so many others have said, he is an adult. He needs to sort out his own finances. He can either get another job at a supermarket to tide him over or a bank loan. Adults should be able to look after themselves financially, even if that means sorting out benefits and whatever they are entitled to. It doesn’t mean expecting a woman who has sorted out their own finances bailing him out.

You think people would tell a woman that her boyfriend should be spending her wages and savings on her even though she doesn't want to marry him?

Or you think people would tell a man that he should be spending his wages and savings on his GF even though she doesn't want to marry him?