Perspective on BIL GF please

I just don't know at what stage you go from being BF/GF to a true partnership

When you say I do and the law says your assets are joint.

She would be a fool to give him a penny.

Sorry but the only one out of order here is you.
why should sh “step up” as you say? Nope, big nope. Sounds like she has been extremely supportive and is cutting back in sensitivity to her bf. But that doesn’t make her responsible. It’s her money. If they were married, then I’d think she should help her husband, but they’re not married, so it’s not the same thing at all.
youre bang out of order for confronting her like that and owe her an apology.

Honestly! The GF should have responded asking why OP’s husband isn’t stepping up to support his brother.

I sense there is some underlying jealousy OP has of this BIL’s GF because she earns well.

I just don't know at what stage you go from being BF/GF to a true partnership

Well, evidently marriage is the point at which your BIL's girlfriend considers this to happen.

She doesn't seem to be "dangling her money as a carrot", she's not said to him, "If you marry me I'll bail out your business" or "If you propose I'll lend you twenty grand" (has she?). She's observed that they are not financially tied together (and that, quite sensibly in my opinion, if HE doesn't want that tie then he doesn't get to have the benefits of it).

• Fair play to her, sticking to her principles
• She could ask him to marry her, unless a woman not doing the asking is also one of her principles.
• Not sure if they live together yet, if not, then I see her point totally.

You EXPLICITLY asked her why she isn’t stepping up?!! Wow. You would have been wearing that wine 🤣

Why should she commit to propping up his failing business if he won't commit to marrying her? She won't get that money back if he dumps her.

I am your SIL. We even have a child together. Everything is split percentage wise (so I do pay more) but that's it. My boyfriend has made a choice to have a career that he loves but does not pay big bucks (government).

I chose the shitty unrewarding corporate ladder with long hours because I grew up extremely poor and I like nice things.

Why would I subsidise him? He can make more money but chooses not to. Why should I give him my hard earned money?

Also similarly my boyfriend doesn't want to get married. Personally I don't care either way. Financially I would be worse off and I am conscious of that. Romantically, I would be up for it. So it's his choice really.

Very good point. It would be interesting to hear OP's answer to it.

Somehow I think her answer will be no, they won't/can't. After all, that would mean her having to put her money where her mouth currently is. 🙄🤣

I suspect she also sees that it’s not a relationship that is going to go anywhere. After all, he won’t marry her out of love and he won’t marry her out of a pragmatic and practical business need. Since she wants to get married and he doesn’t, I expect she will be ending things before long and wants her money staying with her.

Why aren’t you and your husband stepping up, as you put it, to lend/give him the money? That way you don’t need to be worried about your MIL. After all, it’s only a little blip in his finances.

I also think it reflects well on him that he isn't marrying her just because this is her condition/boundary. It would have been very easy for him to propose and therefore get access to her assets.

What your MIL does or doesn't do is for her to decide, not for you to push onto BIL's girlfriend.

You need to wind your neck in. It's not your business.

All she is saying is that he can have access to her money when the law of the land says that their assets are joint. That’s hardly manipulative or blackmail is it? She has put in a very reasonable boundary and you are doubting her character!

Blackmail would be if she said that if he didn’t marry her she would reveal or broadcast something that would be damaging to him…it’s certainly not about withholding money that he has absolutely no right to at all.

Manipulation would involve underhand behaviour and she hasn’t demonstrated this either.

Do you really think that a young, successful woman should jeopardise herself financially for a guy who won’t commit to her?

She's being very sensible and is protecting herself. She'd support him financially if he would marry her but he says he doesn't want to. She has told you that very clearly. It's a good and healthy boundary. If she poured in money now without any commitment from your BIL then he could just bog off with it and never pay her back.

I'm just baffled about why you are baffled over this. Your BIL's financial woes are not his (still relatively new) girlfriend's responsibility, especially if he won't marry her and give her the commitment she has made clear that she wants.

Not at all baffling. Very straightforward, in fact.

Whether or not his GF tides him over, his mother should not.

He should not even have asked his mother.

I suspect that his business isn't as solid as he makes public, which is why his GF won't help him out.

Perfectly put.

Every day of the week women on here are berated for having low standards, no boundaries, and making decisions around finances, relationships, marriage and children that are entirely against their own interests, and then suffering the consequences.

Here’s a brilliant example of a young woman who’s doing everything right, and along comes OP with “why aren’t you stepping up to give money to this grown-ass man who doesn’t want to marry you but can’t support himself? Seems a bit cold …”

I can’t believe you had the brass neck to even insinuate she should, OP. If you’re worried about him running to his mummy for cash, it’s his mummy you should be discussing this with (if you really think it’s your place). Or - here’s an idea - with him?!

Or maybe all the women who are taking such an interest in his livelihood should get together and collectively suggest he gets himself an actual paying job?

What in the world? Why is it your business if your BIL sees his mum as his bank, that’s his mum. If anything, let your husband take this battle forward? I’m sorry you seem a bit too invested in the inner workings of your husband’s family, am I missing something here…?

The BIL’s GF is absolutely within her right to not support him in this difficult financial time if she doesn’t want to. There was just another thread on here recently about a woman becoming resentful of having to support her man with their holidays, dinners etc. and he was promising to pay her back and never did. She was the higher earner of the two.

Until the BIL decides to marry his GF, she should keep her money separate, keep up with her savings and stop all the fancy outings they were going 50/50 on since now he can’t bring in his 50. And you should probably mind your business a little more.

So he's been earning a six figure salary but hasn't had the sense to save any money to see him through any blips? I wouldn't bail him out even if we were married. Either that or it's a much bigger blip that you insinuate

I just dont like my MIL being seen as the safety net

Then your beef is with BIL, isn't it? He's the one using MIL as a safety net.

If his business was making six figures he should've been building a safety net, not going out multiple times in a week. It seems you are worried MIL will support him and therefore deplete your inheritance. I hope the GF strengthens her backbone further and leaves the lot of you to it.

Ah I missed this - so he hasn't asked his gf for money. Quite right!

They've only been going out two years. That's not long enough to be expecting either serious financial help or marriage.

Because marriage comes with protections. This isn't anything like blackmail. It's not even an ultimatum.

If he normally makes 6 figures from his business then why doesn't he have any savings to cover this blip?

So this is where I am struggling - I don't think my MIL you have to support him

Correct.
He is a grown able bodied man he should be self sufficient.

I would struggle with his behaviour too.

If his business is struggling he should be talking to banks amd arranging loans not mooching arpund looking for hand outs off his mother or girlfriend

Has she actually dangled it as a carrot, though?

She's told you that she won't provide financial support to a boyfriend - only a husband. Very sensible of her. Good boundary to draw. But has she actually delivered it to him as an ultimatum? Has he actually asked her for money, and she's refused unless he marries her? Or has he actually turned to his mother first, rather than his girlfriend of only two years whom he shouldn't expect serious financial help from anyway?

Because it seems like they're not at the stage of getting married anyway. While she would say yes, it doesn't seem like this is a bone of contention between them. She's not withholding money to be manipulative, she's withholding it because this is a relatively new relationship, not even a particularly long-term one.

And in terms of having dinner in with him instead of eating out... that's also normal, and nice. Presumably regardless of all the above she loves him and enjoys his company, so is happy to join him at home. Possibly she doesn't even see it as a sacrifice.

Neither of them is behaving abnormally imo.