‘Lacks etiquette’ - wouldn’t say it about a man.

What are you going to do about it OP?

Sometimes in an emergency you can't respect the normal rules of etiquette.

If you manage them both, can't you just tell the man that it was a genuine emergency and you don't understand why he is making a mountain out of a molehill.

I don’t see etiquette as a gendered word in any way whatsoever. However, I would want to know what etiquette he is talking about - he needs to describe it in more detail. There are polite ways to deal with an emergency and rude ways so I would want to get to the bottom of what actually happened and who said what and when.

If it was a man, he'd probably have said "He's a rude dick". Would that be considered sexist?

Possible sexism but not conclusive imo.

It’s possible that he thought if it was a ‘real’ emergency she wouldn’t have been able to come back. And it’s possible to infer from this a general view that women are too likely to have things in their lives that they prioritise “inappropriately” over work. I do think that would be sexist, but am aware I could well be adding 2+2 and making 10. I don’t think you can comment further on the evidence you have. I like the previous poster’s idea of asking him to explain how he would handle this.

At the same time I have also known colleagues who seem to share too much of the external stresses they are dealing with, when I think in general those details are more for your manager. I started work a long time before the ‘bring your whole self to work’ idea and to me it should be ‘bring your work self to work while you are there’. But crucially, it sounds like this is not the case in this interaction - more like a brief interruption rather than a blow by blow account of a relative’s issues.

Did he mix up etiquette and ethic, as in criticism of her work ethic?

I wouldn’t see it as sexist, I have also seen men drop off calls for an emergency as often if not more often than women, but it’s hard to judge without knowing the people. If this was a one off I think it’s the hight of pettiness to complain to his boss and I’d be telling them so

I don't think it is the use of the word but more the lack of understanding that another colleague is human that would piss me off. I would have a conversation with him that everyone will have the odd emergency that they need to deal with and all colleagues should be understanding towards each other as that is the workplace culture.

Apart from anything else, it’s a misuse of the word “etiquette”. Etiquette is not something you have or don’t have. He could have said she lacks manners, or courtesy. But, so long as she excused herself politely, she didn’t! He sounds a l
plonker.

From your OP, it's possible he used etiquette (incorrectly) when he really meant 'ladylike'/how women should behave with men, but don't even bother bringing it up with him because he has too much leeway to argue that that wasn't his intention!

I have said that colleagues (male and female) lack professional courtesy or have behaved unprofessionally, both to their faces and to their managers in writing, if it's to try to get the managers to resolve an ongoing pattern.
But in this case it doesn't sound like the person did behave unprofessionally, if they are both managed by the same person, they should be on a more collegiate footing, and forgive a two-minute absence as something that just happens sometimes. Better that it happens with someone in the 'team' than in a client call, is my view.

This

ah, ok, when I googled it there are lots of examples of it being used in that way. But obviously they could be wrong (and I am not in a position to know either way!)

It’s a really odd phrase for anyone to use about anyone. I think people conform to / understand the etiquette for a particular situation. They don’t ‘have’ etiquette. People have manners, knowledge, skills.

Have you asked male colleague to reflect on whether he has / displays empathy appropriately - and common sense?

Given the events you describe, what is his substantive complaint? Her actions appear to have been correct, polite and professional. What is he actually complaining about?

Can he set out what ‘the etiquette’ for taking an emergency call during a meeting is? Where that’s referenced in company literature / training / common practice?

I've looked it up (because I thought it sounded odd) and it looks like you can lack etiquette.

ETA - my googling could be incorrect according to another poster!

The "bossy" discourse always annoyed me because I generally think bossiness is a horrible character trait in both men and women - the problem wasn't women being called out for it, but men NOT being called out for it. I have tried to do my bit by criticising men as "bossy" whenever I get the opportunity.

It sounds as though the context or interpretation seems sexist e.g. “a woman left a man waiting which is not how men should be treated by women” rather than the actual wording, which I would interpret as a posh way to say she was rude

No you can't "lack etiquette" on the basis (as you say) it's a system. You can however lack "good etiquette". Or have poor etiquette.

Perhaps a good one for Pedants Corner.

Agreed. Definitely not gendered. Class based if anything. Or just irritation.

I wasn't sure about this so I looked it up - etiquette is not just behaviour (ie a neutral term) it's a 'set of social rules and behaviours that guide how we conduct ourselves in polite society' (ie. etiquette is 'good' etiquette) so someone can lack etiquette (although it sounds odd to me to use the word in that context).

Yes, that’s the thing that stood out to me. Don’t use the word if you can’t use it correctly. It’s a bit of a storm in a teacup though.

it wouldn’t occur to me as a gendered word though, not like the dreaded bossy.

I agree. How many people under the age of 70 really understand 'etiquette' these days anyway? I bet he even wears short gloves with a T shirt...

AIBU to think that a man would never say that phrase (that someone lacks etiquette) about a male member of staff?

YABU to extrapolate this man's choice of words into an "all men" situation.

"Lacks etiquette" is not a gendered criticism to me. The word choice is a little pompous, perhaps, but the actual criticism - that someone is ill-mannered and a bit unprofessional - is certainly levelled at men by men (and by women, and at women by women etc).

However you know this particular man and you will know better than us if he's shown any sexist tendencies. I don't think it's a sexist criticism in itself, but if a man has a history of thinking himself superior to female colleagues then yes, I would infer from this that he thinks her perceived unprofessionalism is worse because she's a woman and he's a man. But in that case, as his manager I would address the pattern rather than the specific criticism, which has a lot of plausible deniability.

Regarding the specific criticism the thing you can and should pull him up for is his lack of sympathy to a genuine emergency. Maybe he's not aware what the emergency reason was? If it's not private or sensitive I think he should be kept aware, but if it was private or sensitive you should be able to tell him you're satisfied it was a genuine emergency and his colleague didn't lack professional etiquette at all.

I don't know. I think those terms would be used about anyone not acting professionally male or female. I definitely would

there is zero lack of etiquette in seeing an emergency (to you) come in, advise the person you are on a call with that you are going to duck out and then dial back in.

The sex of either protagonist is immaterial. The man in this scenario is completely in the wrong. (but i also agree that in general men don't have this said about them. Can we assume the emergency was not work related? Fancy a woman having to deal with that!)