I need to talk about this

Well I'm hoping he DOES kill himself - the world would be a better place if people like him were gone.

Just wanted to say, you’re stronger than you feel, you can do this; I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, we lived together, he was utterly horrific, I lost myself, didn’t recognise myself at all, took me several years to be comfortable wity life/myself who the new me was and seek those boundaries, I haven’t bn in a relationship for several years now, I’m happy with that. I wish I’d have used the resources available sooner, it was the very last step in my ‘get away’. I should have involved them sooner.
please speak with women’s aid and call the police, start logging and seek their support , make them aware of everything, they can add you to quick response if needed.
please change locks, get a ring door bell or something affordable that can capture everything and if possible up your home security;
one day at a time and remember this will all be over, protect yourself and be kind to yourself too, you can do this, pull on all of the support and services available to help x

I agree.

Your children are safer with their dad right now and so I’d ask him if he can have them full time, until this is sorted.

OP, hope you’ve managed to get some rest.
If you haven’t already, today the priority must be to get yourself and your kids safe and protected from this man. Threatening suicide is a tactic and a sign of escalating risk.

This podcast might help you too - https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0027s9w

https://www.dvact.org/post/do-you-know-the-8-step-timeline-in-domestic-abuse-homicides

OP, hope you’ve managed to get some rest.
If you haven’t already, today the priority must be to get yourself and your kids safe and protected from this man. Threatening suicide is a tactic and a sign of escalating risk.

This podcast might help you too - https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0027s9w

https://www.dvact.org/post/do-you-know-the-8-step-timeline-in-domestic-abuse-homicides

I would want my children with my ex until this shit show was sorted

i am terrified. This man has psychologically abused me and tormented me for months. My post does not even begin to scrape the surface,

Your children are not safe.
You say you’re not safe, so how can they be?

You can’t even break up with him because you’re worried about what he might do to you - how does that not affect your children?

@Lostandscared1 You have done the best thing you can at this moment, which is to write it down, share it, take on the advice and feedback (ignoring the miserable trolls and the awful advice) and turn it into your survival pledge.

He has turned your stable life into chaos and turmoil and every move you make now is informed by his behaviour, which is a classic abusive environment.

Do you know what standa out for me? How in control of yourself you still are. How you can still advocate for yourself. I hear your strength and your will to escape this.

Your updates will be a relief to many of us 🙏❤️🙏

Regardless of how many times he calls or messages never answer him again. Ever. He won't kill himself, but even if he did - so what? You won't have caused it he's fucking demented. Are you supposed to stay with a demented violent lunatic to try to keep him alive. Of course you can end it. Do so. Now.

Also, call the police. Now.

Report him to the police. He is a very dangerous man. Never, even see him again.

Honestly I’m absolutely horrified you have gone back to him in the past Given you say this is not the first time it has happened.

1. you must go to the police and get their advice and make a complaint. This has got to be on record. In the meantime, turn your house into Fort Knox and get cameras everywhere.

2. get some therapy and work out what in you, self-esteem or lack of confidence or trying to be the rescuer, that means you’re willing to put up with this crap

Just thank the heavens above that the knife was being held to his wrists are not your throat. But frankly with that pattern of behaviour, it sounds like next time this will vary easily escalating into something that hurts you (or your kids)

What is the children split with your ex?

Go to Police.
Take their advice to take out a restraining order.
Stop all contact and all communication with the violent man.
If need be, move some hours away.

There is no future in the relationship; he is not a man who you would want to introduce to your children. The children would be taken from you if ever they were spending time with him.

This is coercive control
you need to ring the police asap
it’s good that you recognise it’s not right but now you need to be brave and put a stop to it.

Thinking about you today OP. You can do this.

You need to go to the police with this.

Your kids are affected because you are affected, there is no way anyone can experience all this and not have the stress of it affect their behaviour.

Speak to the police. Let them know you intend on blocking him on everything, informing him it is over, ensuring he cannot get into your property. So that if you need to call 999, they are already aware.

ANY and EVERY time he indicates he is going to kill himself, you let the police know that he's threatened to do that, immediately. That is the limit of your responsibility there - if they decide that threat is credible, they'll do a welfare check.

I won't promise to you that he won't kill himself - he might, people have (I know of someone who used threats of suicide to blackmail someone in a pretty much identical way, he did eventually kill himself, whilst in sole charge of their baby daughter!)... but IF he does, the responsibility for his actions lies entirely with HIM, not you.

Similarly, if he hurts himself, if he punches someone else, if he drives aggressively and causes an accident... or any other of the myriad things he could do... those will be his responsibility, not yours.

Please don't minimise this - he will go too far one day, it might be you he kills not himself and that will absolutely affect your kids.

Then don't fucking answer. And change your number. Go to the police, go to women's aid. Stop interacting with this vile POS.

OP I’ve been there and I really feel for you. I know you say your children are safe and unaffected, but from my own experience I know that there is no way you can be fully emotionally present for them while you are living in this amount of fear and worry. The lasting impact of this will already be huge for you, and the longer you stay the worse it will be. Please speak to the police and women’s aid and get help, follow their advice, stay somewhere he can’t find you for now, and make sure you have your house fully secured with cameras/alarms etc. I don’t know if you own your house or are renting, but if you happen to be in a HA house the HA should be able to come and fit things to make your house more secure - eg fireproof letterbox, window alarms, panic alarm, security light etc.

Please block him and change your number. I used to work in a call centre for a mobile phone company and we would offer free number changes with a crime reference number from the police for victims of harassment and violence. I promise it's much easier to change your number with all the important people you need to have your number than it is to come back from the dead if this man keeps getting a hold of you.

Get ring doorbells, CCTV and dashcams. ASAP.

Contact the police, tell them everything. They may be able to offer a temporary protection order, you may have to go to court for a permanant one.

If you need to take time off of work to organise your safety most good employers at least should have a domestic violence policy to allow you time off to sort your affairs. They might even be able to fund specialist immediate therapy. Mine did for me when I left a similar situation, and it's something I've looked for when looking at other potential employers too and many offer it even if not explicitly documented. It is worth asking about, if you feel comfortable disclosing information to your workplace on a confidential basis.

@Lostandscared1 well done for having the bravery to post here. @valentinka31 has given you some great contacts.

Please don't be afraid of calling the police. He sounds unhinged and so the chances are they will need to be involved at some point. Let it be now before this escalates. It sends a clear message that you have support. Call the other agencies as well. Wishing you well

You are clearly struggling to break away from a violent and abusive man.

You are in a fortunate position compared to many other women in a relationship with a man like this - you have no ties and can simply walk away without a single look back. You are obviously not fortunate to be with someone like this - but your circumstances mean you can make a swift, clean break.

You have said you genuinely fear he might kill you.

What happens to your children if he turns the knife on you on you next weekend with him? Are you willing to leave your children without a mother just because you weren’t prepared to end the relationship and mean it this time?

I promise I’m not being unkind. But I find that if I’m struggling to make a decision that allows me to take care of myself, it becomes easier if I centre my children. This might help you too.

You’re a good mum, you’ve kept him away from them. But if you continue with him, you can’t do that forever. And there’s always the risk that he’ll just turn up at your house.

Your children could get hurt. Traumatised. Or left on their own as their mum has been killed.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. That’s a powerful incentive to get away and stay away.

Lots of good advice on this thread about what to do and who to talk to. But certainly 100% you need to talk to the police.

Unfortunately like many others on this thread, I’ve been with a violent and abusive man. So I speak from a place of knowledge.

You’re home safe now with your DC. You never need to see this man again. Please, please don’t consider going back. Finish this NOW.

There are idiots on most threads including yours OP. But some posters are reacting they way they are because they have lived experience and are worried for you. Please get help today x

He certainly sounds like a person who will show up as a known danger to women. Seek a Clare’s Law disclosure and you should be able to access the support you need to get him out of your life

Please call Refuge. They are amazing. You must call someone and talk about this. They will help you. You need the support right now.
https://refuge.org.uk/

And the National Domestic Abuse Helpline:
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
tel:08082000247 0808 2000 247
(24 hours)

You must just pick up the phone and start to talk.

You must NEVER return to his house.
You are a mother and your kids need you.
He could have even just accidentally in his extreme rage done something that would have hurt or killed you.
He is NOT SAFE.

It's not his fault, or your fault, but he is as he is.
But he will not change. And this will only get worse.
The ONLY way now is for you to remove yourself from the situation, and you need help and support to do this.

There's an instinct to just lay low after something like this, try to pretend it didn't happen. You are in shock, and usually it takes 3-4 days to come down after something like this. But resist the instinct to lie low. Call someone while it's fresh in your mind.

They will help you so very much. Call them, and let them help.
For your sake, and for your children's sake.