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I need to talk about this

366 replies

Lostandscared1 · 31/08/2025 20:32

Basically what the title says. And I’m posting in AIBU for traffic.

i am very nervous to post this

35F, he is 32M. We do not live together. I have children from previous relationship and he has not met them - important info.

I am in an abusive relationship. There is no question or doubt about it. We have been together for coming up to a year, yes I know it has not been long. I had rose tinted glasses on up until April/May time this year and I have tried to end the relationship a few times.

i need to tell someone, anyone about what happened this morning. I had stayed at his this weekend whilst my children were with exDP. We had actually had quite a nice weekend up until late last night where we got home from a date night I had organised where suddenly the cheating claims came out etc etc etc. This morning it kicked off again as I tried to express my hurt calmly about something and he just hit the roof and told me to get the fuck out of his house so, I proceeded to do so by getting myself ready, packed my things and went downstairs to say goodbye I shall be leaving now. He went absolutely insane, and I mean insane. He was screaming at the top of his voice against the fireplace wall, punched himself in the head and proceeded to scream at me, in my face calling me all the names under the sun and he ran into the kitchen where the back door is to exit so I could leave and he picked up a knife. When I tell you I was scared, I was terrified so I rushed to unlock the back door to escape. He proceeded to hold the knife against his own wrists and scream at me im going to slit my wrists and your going to watch me die. I obviously begged and pleaded with him not to do that, knife still in his hand and he was shouting that nothing would satisfy him more knowing that he dies and I watched him. He then held the knife in the air so I ran back to the back door and he screamed at me to shut it and I said no, he slammed the knife down and said shut the door so I did. He was screaming at me that I drive him to this, I’m narcissistic im evil, all the usual abuse I get almost daily at this point. I was shaking, sobbing, and he went and sat down and then was accusing me of having another boyfriend, that I’ve manipulated every man I’ve been with. Just tearing my character down with false accusations which again is something I’m very used too. He held his fist up to me too before I went upstairs to get changed, and he chased me up the stairs and got in my face to shout at me to tell him what I was saying to his face.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped. After this, he acted like nothing had happened. He was laughing at social media, trying to make jokes whilst I was completely numb all afternoon waiting for the time I can leave to have my children back.

in the times I’ve tried breaking up with him before but I haven’t physically been with him, he’s found me and he’s gone hysterical at me until I’ve changed my mind or he threatens to attack me or come into the place I am and confront me, or he’s gotten into his car and screamed at me where I am until I tell him and then he threatens suicide.

please do not judge please be kind.

i feel like I’m dealing with someone who has a serious split personality disorder. I do not want the police involved, but I do need to leave. I’m working with a therapist currently to understand why I allowed this in the first place. I’m a lot stronger now but the reactions I get terrify me, especially today.

i just needed to get this out and I just need to hear that what I am experiencing is not ok. Apparently I’m the evil bitch.

OP posts:
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Crownit · 08/09/2025 06:28

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 18:57

She could have Stockholm Syndrome. I hope the op has family she can turn too who will make her see sense and possibly beat the shit out of him. Not advocating violence but sometimes it's the only language they will understand.

Edited
Show quote history

Possibly
Meanwhile her children are unsafe

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 18:57

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She could have Stockholm Syndrome. I hope the op has family she can turn too who will make her see sense and possibly beat the shit out of him. Not advocating violence but sometimes it's the only language they will understand.

Tweetytweet81 · 07/09/2025 14:09

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Mewling · 03/09/2025 17:16

OP my ex threatened to kill himself if I left him. I phoned the police. I said if he did not feel he could keep himself safe that he needed professional help that I couldn’t provide. They visited him to ensure he was safe - in the pub, where he’d been ringing me from. The embarrassment of being held to account in front of his drinking buddies ensured he never threatened me with suicide again.

ForNoisyCat · 03/09/2025 13:54

Ratafia · 03/09/2025 08:27

Do you not understand that I have tried safely getting away? But then he threatens suicide?

It doesn't matter if he threatens suicide. Every time he does you have to walk away from it, cut the phone call off, shut the door. If he meant it, he would have done it by now. My sister's abusive ex repeatedly threatened suicide if she tried to leave, to the extent that he purported to take an overdose of paracetamol and took himself to hospital - obviously calling her to make sure she knew. Surprise, surprise, it turned out to he'd taken nothing like enough for an overdose. DSis did eventually manage to leave him and he's still very much alive and horrible, and probably busy abusing some other unfortunate woman.

when I was a teen the BF said he would kill himself if we split. I said go ahead and do it - either way im not staying with you. He didn’t kill himself - I saw him around a few years later. If he had killed himself it would not have been anything to do with me.

ForNoisyCat · 03/09/2025 10:53

At 3pm on Sunday 7 September there will be a national test of the UK Emergency Alerts service. Every compatible mobile phone or tablet in range of a mast will receive the alert. They work on all 4G and 5G phone networks in the UK.

If you have a compatible mobile phone or tablet that is switched on, it may:

  • make a loud siren-like sound, even if it’s set on silent
  • vibrate
  • read out the alert

The sound and vibration will last for about 10 seconds. Phone users will have to acknowledge the alert before they can use other features on their devices.

This may be dangerous for anyone who has a hidden phone due to domestic abuse. If you have a hidden phone, make sure to switch it off on Sunday 7 September 2025. You can also opt-out of the alert in your phone settings (Gov.uk – Opting out of emergency alerts).

Opting out of emergency alerts

Opting out of emergency alerts

https://www.gov.uk/alerts/opting-out

Ratafia · 03/09/2025 08:27

Do you not understand that I have tried safely getting away? But then he threatens suicide?

It doesn't matter if he threatens suicide. Every time he does you have to walk away from it, cut the phone call off, shut the door. If he meant it, he would have done it by now. My sister's abusive ex repeatedly threatened suicide if she tried to leave, to the extent that he purported to take an overdose of paracetamol and took himself to hospital - obviously calling her to make sure she knew. Surprise, surprise, it turned out to he'd taken nothing like enough for an overdose. DSis did eventually manage to leave him and he's still very much alive and horrible, and probably busy abusing some other unfortunate woman.

Stowawaysue · 03/09/2025 08:00

I don’t understand how the Op can be so 100% adamant that he wouldn’t “dare” to come to her house, when he’s a violent unhinged abusive twat who presumably knows her address after being together a year. I find that a bit… odd

thebabayaga · 03/09/2025 01:02

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Allisnotlost1 · 03/09/2025 00:56

thebabayaga · 03/09/2025 00:27

But your coddling attitude hasn't helped her at all helped her at, has it? And you have absolutely no idea if she is reading the thread (almost 100 percent guarantee she is).

And if you really think she isn't reading it then you are just flapping your gums at me.

So anyway, yep I am right to try to shock her into not being so weak and protect her children and herselves from murder at the hands of a dangerous man. I will just keep doing that, and you can keep virtue signalling and imagining you know just how someone feels, what they are thinking and what they are doing because you think it makes you sound nice. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Show quote history

Again, haven’t seen anyone coddling on the thread. Nor anyone claiming to know what others feel. The OP said herself that some of the atrocious comments made her feel like she had to leave the thread. I hope she is reading because there has been practical advice from professionals that could actually help her. I don’t think derailing the thread any more is helpful, so I’ll leave you do whatever you’re drinking. Have a great night. 👍

thebabayaga · 03/09/2025 00:27

Allisnotlost1 · 03/09/2025 00:14

But you and others with that attitude aren’t shocking her, are they? They’ve actually made her feel she can’t come back to the thread (she said as much herself).

Haven’t seen anyone coddling to be honest, I’ve seen people offering practical advice, including from a professional background, and empathy from their own experience, and cheering her on to stay strong. And then a bunch of people who want to kick her when she’s down. Bizarre that you think not insulting someone when they’re at a low ebb is virtue signalling.

Show quote history

But your coddling attitude hasn't helped her at all helped her at, has it? And you have absolutely no idea if she is reading the thread (almost 100 percent guarantee she is).

And if you really think she isn't reading it then you are just flapping your gums at me.

So anyway, yep I am right to try to shock her into not being so weak and protect her children and herselves from murder at the hands of a dangerous man. I will just keep doing that, and you can keep virtue signalling and imagining you know just how someone feels, what they are thinking and what they are doing because you think it makes you sound nice. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Allisnotlost1 · 03/09/2025 00:14

thebabayaga · 02/09/2025 23:26

I guess it depends what you're trying to achieve. If you want to voice your opinion, then sure go for it. But going "softly softly" and encouraging and coddling a weak approach in what could now be a literal life or death situation with a very dangerous man has achieved nothing and will continue to achieve nothing and the priority should be on keeping the OP and her children safe.

Shocking her into the realisation of her weakness and how dangerous that is for her children and herself may have some effect where your coddling and softly softly approach has had none.

Coddling her and going softly softly is unlikely to achieve anything at this stage, but if it makes you feel like you virtue signalled appropriately and therefore feel better, do that ¯\(ツ)/¯

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Show quote history

But you and others with that attitude aren’t shocking her, are they? They’ve actually made her feel she can’t come back to the thread (she said as much herself).

Haven’t seen anyone coddling to be honest, I’ve seen people offering practical advice, including from a professional background, and empathy from their own experience, and cheering her on to stay strong. And then a bunch of people who want to kick her when she’s down. Bizarre that you think not insulting someone when they’re at a low ebb is virtue signalling.

thebabayaga · 02/09/2025 23:26

Allisnotlost1 · 02/09/2025 23:15

i guess it depends what you’re trying to achieve. If you want to voice your opinion, then sure, go for it. But it’s not ‘softly softly’ to respond in a way that demonstrates empathy and makes the OP feel more confident in how to proceed. Your opinion of whether the relationship is over has no bearing on what the (potentially very dangerous) man in the picture thinks, and therefore the priority should be on helping the OP stay safe. Telling her she’s weak isn’t likely to help do that. But if it makes you feel better 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

I guess it depends what you're trying to achieve. If you want to voice your opinion, then sure go for it. But going "softly softly" and encouraging and coddling a weak approach in what could now be a literal life or death situation with a very dangerous man has achieved nothing and will continue to achieve nothing and the priority should be on keeping the OP and her children safe.

Shocking her into the realisation of her weakness and how dangerous that is for her children and herself may have some effect where your coddling and softly softly approach has had none.

Coddling her and going softly softly is unlikely to achieve anything at this stage, but if it makes you feel like you virtue signalled appropriately and therefore feel better, do that ¯\(ツ)/¯

Allisnotlost1 · 02/09/2025 23:15

thebabayaga · 02/09/2025 22:57

You're not though. The relationship is over right now. When you stop answering any messages at all and involve the police, that's it, end of relationship. You are only trapped in your mind.

Your children deserve better than a mother who puts up with this sort of behaviour from men. Do better.

For all those who will condemn me for saying this - no. The time for softly softly is over now, he is a physical threat and she needs to stop being so weak. She absolutely must stop being so weak or she will not survive - and of course she is being weak regardless of reasons. That's not a judgement, it's a statement of fact.

Show quote history

i guess it depends what you’re trying to achieve. If you want to voice your opinion, then sure, go for it. But it’s not ‘softly softly’ to respond in a way that demonstrates empathy and makes the OP feel more confident in how to proceed. Your opinion of whether the relationship is over has no bearing on what the (potentially very dangerous) man in the picture thinks, and therefore the priority should be on helping the OP stay safe. Telling her she’s weak isn’t likely to help do that. But if it makes you feel better 🤷‍♀️

thebabayaga · 02/09/2025 22:57

Lostandscared1 · 31/08/2025 20:45

I think you are missing the point of my post. I am trapped in the relationship. I am not physically with him right now, but that does not matter

Show quote history

You're not though. The relationship is over right now. When you stop answering any messages at all and involve the police, that's it, end of relationship. You are only trapped in your mind.

Your children deserve better than a mother who puts up with this sort of behaviour from men. Do better.

For all those who will condemn me for saying this - no. The time for softly softly is over now, he is a physical threat and she needs to stop being so weak. She absolutely must stop being so weak or she will not survive - and of course she is being weak regardless of reasons. That's not a judgement, it's a statement of fact.

Suusue · 02/09/2025 22:51

Police. Restraining order. Do not go near him.or give in.

delayrepayagain · 02/09/2025 21:33

Been thinking about you the last couple of days and I want you to know you are showing incredible strength and clarity in the face of such trauma. In time, you will be free of him and his hold on you.

SALaw · 02/09/2025 08:26

Get the police, women’s aid, family, friends all involved. Do not entertain anything more from him. When he threatened to kill himself you say “obviously I begged him not to”. This isn’t “obviously” at all in these circumstances. You say “well that would be up to you” and leave without guilt. I hope you are never in a situation with him again where he can threaten it but if he does you have to effectively shrug.

Seismicshift · 02/09/2025 07:51

I think you're doing brilliantly OP and showing so much strength. Take professional advice around whether to block or not, but it sounds like getting another phone/number might be a good idea? That way you still have the evidence building of his contact, but you can choose to look at it when you're feeling strong. Maybe with your children's father (or a friend?) if you feel that would be helpful? Did you get through to Women’s Aid? I'm sure they will have lots of good advice for you. Stay strong Flowers

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 01/09/2025 22:57

Lostandscared1 · 31/08/2025 20:37

I am home, with my children and I am
safe. I’ve blocked him in the past and he ends up calling me from a withheld number constantly until I answer

Show quote history

Please contact women’s aid if you don’t feel you can contact the police first. I know you’re scared and traumatised by it and you’re probably worried he will harm himself. But tbh he could harm you and your children and you need help to keep safe. I don’t know how else to say this but he could leave your children without a mum. Or harm them to hurt you. He sounds like he needs sectioned tbh - please call women’s aid

Falseknock · 01/09/2025 22:30

Download on your phone a call recorder and record him. Save his messages it's all evidence.

Matronic6 · 01/09/2025 22:21

Well done OP. These are the first and hardest steps. If he persists with any threats of suicide, keep in mind you are not choosing whether he lives or dies you are choosing between him and your kids.

I noticed you said he wouldn't dare come to the house. Why wouldn't he dare come to the house?
This shows he does know there is a boundary that he cannot cross. Which means he is perfectly capable of controlling his behaviour so he is choosing not to.

Hope you have a good night sleep and this is hopefully the beginning of the end.

Falseknock · 01/09/2025 22:19

Cucy · 01/09/2025 17:47

I agree that in an ideal world OP would not block him but she admits that he talks her around every time.

So she needs to be in a position where she can’t hear what he’s saying (and all the empty threats of suicide).

However, if the professionals say to not block, then I’d absolutely take their advice and not block.

Thank you for correcting me.

Show quote history

In a lot of these situations it's not until something happens then the police will prosecute. The op needs to gather up as much evidence as possible. The op has to put up with the mental torture. She does need people around her who are supportive. Who she can offload to and who will understand. The bloke needs a good seeing to.

Falseknock · 01/09/2025 22:05

Lostandscared1 · 01/09/2025 14:45

You are reminding me of him right now with the way you are speaking to me, so patronising and condescending. You know he knows where I live, I just mentioned that in my post.

He wouldn’t dare come to my house.

Show quote history

He's frightened the father of your children will kick the shit out of him. People like him prefer his victims to be weak. Would he ever do it to a man?

You have more power than what you think. Get a court order so he doesn't come near you or call you.

What support do you have around you who can you talk to in real life. You are worth so much more than what he is giving you. There is always more to stories like this and whatever you think is missing in your life he isn't the one who is going to help and replace that. He won't improve you and you deserve people around you who can improve you not make you worse.

Phatgurslyms · 01/09/2025 21:37

Starlight7080 · 01/09/2025 15:02

It is ridiculous you dont just block him.
How can he get in touch and tell you he is going to kill himself if he is blocked on everything?
Honestly what's is your plan?? Keep going? Hope he gets bored ?
If you keep interacting with him then he will keep replaying exactly what has been happening so far.
I agree with others I think you actually like the attention and being needed by him. Its a warped relationship. And if you didnt have kids then I wouldn't care .

If you are interested in educating yourself on this subject I can recommend a book for you to read.

But please refrain from commenting because your posts will be read by other people in similar situations to OP and you “advice” is positively dangerous.