Page 10 | Marriage/motherhood warning list

Someoneshouldatoldme · 2025-08-31T16:27:54+00:00

Based on many many threads here and my own lived experience, shouldn't we warn all daughters and women pre-marriage or motherhood so that they really know what they'regetting into? I'll list a few, feel free to add: 1. Don't have a child with ANYONE at all unless you know you can manage as a single parent 2. If your husband tells you they want a child and will look after them as well as you, assume they mean occasional fun times and some cooking. (If you're proven wrong, you'll be delighted) 3. Your husband might become your biggest problem once you are pregnant or with a child. Even the 'nicest' guys can (and many will) turn emotionally or physically abusive at this time. You might end up seriously hurt. Many will cheat. 4. Never assume his money is family money. He might pretend for years that it is, only for you to find out that it isnt. Any others?

ItsHellOrHighwater · 31/08/2025 22:49

Someoneshouldatoldme · 31/08/2025 22:09

I think many genuinely dont know what the red flags are. They are not taught in school, most are not taught at home, social media algorithm just gives you more of what you watch.
I definitely didn't know red flags. When i met my exh, a good man was one who didn't drink, didn't gamble and didn't cheat. Extra bonus if he was polite and a good conversationalist. Exh ticked all those boxes. It was only the cheating years later that opened my eyes to everything else. This is why i started this thread. We need to talk about what marriage and motherhood really is like before we enter it, so that we can enter it knowingly. Not with rose-tinted glasses and end up in difficult circumstances later.

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My children learnt about what makes a healthy relationship at school in PSHE lessons in secondary school, so some schools are trying. I think that shit men are so common that it’s hard for people to learn about good relationships in real life. Bad relationships are so often the norm that I think it’s really hard to teach to not put up with it sadly as it’s normalised everywhere, even on here sometimes.

Foundabearonourbearhunt · 31/08/2025 22:48

PollyBell · 31/08/2025 22:36

How much do women do they choose to though, women dont have to keep on having children they dont need to spend hours and hours making sure everything is perfect, how much of the 'thought load' is women doing things they think they have to do and not essential?

How much drama do they put into the cliched 'school mums'

How much do women spend in their head taking on other people's dramas?

Edited

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This is so true. Women create a lot of work for themselves. There are a long list of tasks in our house that my husband doesn’t do because either he doesn’t notice or he doesn’t think it needs to be done. When we met he lived in a clean tidy apartment, so I know he doesn’t want to live in filthy squalor. But he’d probably change the sheets monthly rather than fortnightly, the cleaner came fortnightly, not weekly. He absolutely wouldn’t run about after DC like I do. They might do 1 out of school club, and only then if they got themselves there and back. He certainly wouldn’t spend 3 nights/week ferrying children around. We wouldn’t have pets- because that is just another responsibility

Original poster

Someoneshouldatoldme · 31/08/2025 22:46

PollyBell · 31/08/2025 22:36

How much do women do they choose to though, women dont have to keep on having children they dont need to spend hours and hours making sure everything is perfect, how much of the 'thought load' is women doing things they think they have to do and not essential?

How much drama do they put into the cliched 'school mums'

How much do women spend in their head taking on other people's dramas?

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Oh wow! The stink of misogyny!
I do none of what you describe, but believe me, the mental load is heavy enough. But its less heavy now that i know for a fact i am the only one responsible. It was way worse when married and being under illusion that i had support.
(Its no fun writing on every calendar about childs dentist appointment, reminding husband night before, reminding husband in the morning, sending husband a text before appointment and calling husband to see they were on time. Knowing if you wont he wont remember to go. And doing it even though youd be called a nag. One little example of many.)

OP posts:

CrispieCake · 31/08/2025 22:46

Statistically if you have kids, the female parent is likely to end up being exploited by the male parent.

PollyBell · 31/08/2025 22:36

Someoneshouldatoldme · 31/08/2025 22:32

Funny you say that. I was just thinking about it. Im raising two sons mostly on my own and we talk a lot about feelings, life, responsibility etc.
I always tell them they need to look for a partner who they have common interests with. Who gets their humour and laughs with them. Who they can have interesting conversations with and who is honest. I also tell them if they will be a dad one day, they must split housework and childcare in the way that its fair for both, so that both can be happy and be themselves.
And even now they do chores at home, because i tell them im only one person and can't and dont want to clean up after everone else all the time.
But i still think its not the same for boys and girls. Women carry such heavy burdens. Many men just dont.

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How much do women do they choose to though, women dont have to keep on having children they dont need to spend hours and hours making sure everything is perfect, how much of the 'thought load' is women doing things they think they have to do and not essential?

How much drama do they put into the cliched 'school mums'

How much do women spend in their head taking on other people's dramas?

CJsGoldfish · 31/08/2025 22:35

HerecomesMargo · 31/08/2025 19:24

Take responsibility for your choices. Almost always a woman turns a blind eye and then cries about ‘it came out of the blue’. No the flags are there.

Totally agree with this. I'm not a man btw 🙄
It doesn't come out of nowhere.

Best thing we can do is empower our daughters. It's a life long lesson, begins when they are little. Way too many young girls aspire to nothing but having babies and getting to that pinnacle of life that is a 'proposal'
Education, self worth, strength. They need strong role models and to know that they ARE capable and do not ever need to 'rely' on a man or feel that they are 'less than' in any way.

ItsHellOrHighwater · 31/08/2025 22:33

PollyBell · 31/08/2025 22:17

So basically use common sense, but what are the warnings for men about women?

I do actually agree with every warnings you have given but this idea that women needs warnings but all women are just martyred saints is not true.

Women have 1 child then keep on having more then wonder why it all goes wrong

Feel free to make another thread for that. But this is a predominantly women’s forum and the OP is asking what women should be warned of about men.

Powerof321 · 31/08/2025 22:33

HerecomesMargo · 31/08/2025 19:34

I really wonder what Happened to you to be so bitter.

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That was my first thought too! So much of this thread is actually quite bitter sounding!

i have daughters but i also have a son & i’m now thinking of what advice to give him so he can avoid certain women (like the daughters of posters on here following their “advice”) not all men are bad and out to cheat or to make their wives miserable or homeless or penniless!

Original poster

Someoneshouldatoldme · 31/08/2025 22:32

PollyBell · 31/08/2025 22:17

So basically use common sense, but what are the warnings for men about women?

I do actually agree with every warnings you have given but this idea that women needs warnings but all women are just martyred saints is not true.

Women have 1 child then keep on having more then wonder why it all goes wrong

Funny you say that. I was just thinking about it. Im raising two sons mostly on my own and we talk a lot about feelings, life, responsibility etc.
I always tell them they need to look for a partner who they have common interests with. Who gets their humour and laughs with them. Who they can have interesting conversations with and who is honest. I also tell them if they will be a dad one day, they must split housework and childcare in the way that its fair for both, so that both can be happy and be themselves.
And even now they do chores at home, because i tell them im only one person and can't and dont want to clean up after everone else all the time.
But i still think its not the same for boys and girls. Women carry such heavy burdens. Many men just dont.

OP posts:

PollyBell · 31/08/2025 22:17

So basically use common sense, but what are the warnings for men about women?

I do actually agree with every warnings you have given but this idea that women needs warnings but all women are just martyred saints is not true.

Women have 1 child then keep on having more then wonder why it all goes wrong

Original poster

Someoneshouldatoldme · 31/08/2025 22:09

ItsHellOrHighwater · 31/08/2025 21:59

I think the thing that needs saying is don’t ignore/be aware of red flags.

With every woman I know who has a shit partner years down the line, the warning signs were there, they just chose to ignore them. I know so many women that swear their partners/husbands were great years ago/before children, but they weren’t. They often say they used to be attentive, pulled their weight, were nice blokes etc, but it’s not true. Some women aren’t good at seeing the warning signs, others just sweep them under the carpet in the early stages.

I think many genuinely dont know what the red flags are. They are not taught in school, most are not taught at home, social media algorithm just gives you more of what you watch.
I definitely didn't know red flags. When i met my exh, a good man was one who didn't drink, didn't gamble and didn't cheat. Extra bonus if he was polite and a good conversationalist. Exh ticked all those boxes. It was only the cheating years later that opened my eyes to everything else. This is why i started this thread. We need to talk about what marriage and motherhood really is like before we enter it, so that we can enter it knowingly. Not with rose-tinted glasses and end up in difficult circumstances later.

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 31/08/2025 22:01

Don’t assume a person will change or that you can change them. What you see is what you get.

ItsHellOrHighwater · 31/08/2025 21:59

I think the thing that needs saying is don’t ignore/be aware of red flags.

With every woman I know who has a shit partner years down the line, the warning signs were there, they just chose to ignore them. I know so many women that swear their partners/husbands were great years ago/before children, but they weren’t. They often say they used to be attentive, pulled their weight, were nice blokes etc, but it’s not true. Some women aren’t good at seeing the warning signs, others just sweep them under the carpet in the early stages.

hellohellooo · 31/08/2025 21:50

julietteoubliette · 31/08/2025 18:12

If you're the higher earner / have significant assets, don't get married!

I totally agree

At what point if you divorce do they get half??

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/08/2025 21:23

@crrazysnakes

Too many men view their children as their wife's hobby, a thing she does that doesn't really have anything to do with them.

This. And expect the “hobby” to occupy her mind and soul to the exclusion of anything else and think she’s unreasonable for wanting to have a sentient and purposeful life.

Original poster

Someoneshouldatoldme · 31/08/2025 21:13

ResusciAnnie · 31/08/2025 20:11

How are you meant to KNOW you can parent solo before you have any parenting experience?

Remember forums are full of people who have problems, so it’s skewed.

I don't agree. Forums are full of problems, because many people have problems.
For example, one woman is killed by a man every three days in uk only. Many of these are partners.
42% of uk marriages end in divorce.
58% of women say they have been cheated on according to yougov.
You do an honest mental survey of your own social group/family and you can identify many unhappy situations. Not saying all unhappiness is caused by men. Obviously. But as women, we need to look at the world with complete honesty and clarity. Nothing changes until we decide to take that lead.

OP posts:

Midnights68 · 31/08/2025 21:04

Someoneshouldatoldme · 31/08/2025 20:12

Thought of another one:
Romantic comedies and chic lit (does anyone even read that stuff anymore!) is not a true representation of men and how they are. If you want to know what men are like when married, look to couples with kids around you. How many men pull their weight? How many of the women seem exhausted?
Most likely yours wont be an exception to the rule.

This is very true.

I think one of the most damaging and dangerous cliches in chick lit and rom coms is the ‘accidental pregnancy outside of a relationship or in the context of an on-off relationship - woman decides to keep the baby - man eventually falls in love with woman and commits to woman after baby arrives.’

This does NOT happen in real life. Yet on MN you see posts all the time from women who clearly hoped it would.

crrazysnakes · 31/08/2025 20:51

Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2025 20:35

I think for me it would be advising my daughter to have children with a man who actively wants children himself, rather than a man who is happy to have children if she wants to or who she can convince to have them. And then have a really good think about the person and make sure you’d be totally content if your son turned out like that man, or if your daughter were to herself marry a man like that. Easier said than done and I know it’s difficult for women especially with age & a ticking clock but those would be my crucial bits of advice.

Lots of men go along with kids, are convinced into it, or do to it to keep their partner happy- that is where disaster lies. Children are amazing but they are a bomb to your life, they are hard work, they take up every bit of time, energy & patience you have day in and day out- you have to really really want them to make that worthwhile and prevent resentment, it’s too big a thing to compromise on. If it’s not a 100% enthusiastic off your own back yes,
it’s a no.

Too many men view their children as their wife's hobby, a thing she does that doesn't really have anything to do with them.

NuovaPilbeam · 31/08/2025 20:50

If he doesn't cook or clean before you get married & have kids, he won't after.

If he's not marrying you don't have a baby with him.

If his first commitment is to his season ticket/bike/golf clubs, you & the kids will always come second to that.

crrazysnakes · 31/08/2025 20:49

dramallama25 · 31/08/2025 19:27

Only have kids with someone who loves you more than you love them. The only marriages I know who are happy post kids are where the men are completely besotted with their wives, and the wives love their husbands but could happily live without them. Never love your husband/partner more than he loves you.

Only marry him if he’s a higher earner than you/has more assets etc.

Always have your own bank accounts/money.

Make sure your partner understands there is a financial cost to domestic labour. He either contributes physically or financially to the upkeep of a household. If he earns/works less, he does more to maintain the house and manage the children.

I've often thought that I'm the only woman who has thought this (marry the man who is besotted with you). Glad to see I'm not the only one.

dramallama25 · 31/08/2025 20:48

HerecomesMargo · 31/08/2025 19:34

I really wonder what Happened to you to be so bitter.

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On the contrary. I have a wonderful (long term) marriage with a husband who thinks the world of me (and I of him). I just have a lot of friends who have been treated truly abhorrently by men who would be described by colleagues as ‘really great guys’.

RoomToDream · 31/08/2025 20:47

It's safer for the woman to be the messier of the two in a heterosexual relationship. If you have a kid, societal judgment will push you to become more domestic as a woman. It doesn't matter if the health visitor sees dad in a messy house or the toddler is in stained clothes at the park - isn't he great for just looking after his own kids 🙄Society expects the minimum from dads but perfection from mums - if he is messy and lazy there will be no external pressure for him to change

Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2025 20:35

I think for me it would be advising my daughter to have children with a man who actively wants children himself, rather than a man who is happy to have children if she wants to or who she can convince to have them. And then have a really good think about the person and make sure you’d be totally content if your son turned out like that man, or if your daughter were to herself marry a man like that. Easier said than done and I know it’s difficult for women especially with age & a ticking clock but those would be my crucial bits of advice.

Lots of men go along with kids, are convinced into it, or do to it to keep their partner happy- that is where disaster lies. Children are amazing but they are a bomb to your life, they are hard work, they take up every bit of time, energy & patience you have day in and day out- you have to really really want them to make that worthwhile and prevent resentment, it’s too big a thing to compromise on. If it’s not a 100% enthusiastic off your own back yes,
it’s a no.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/08/2025 20:20

ResusciAnnie · 31/08/2025 20:11

How are you meant to KNOW you can parent solo before you have any parenting experience?

Remember forums are full of people who have problems, so it’s skewed.

I think it basically means make sure you have the capability financially to support a baby solo and the mental resilience to be ready to do it.

There are no guarantees on the last point but knowing you can work enough to keep a roof over the baby's head is pretty critical.

nutbrownhare15 · 31/08/2025 20:19

Ask what he expects paternity leave will be like and how will he spend the time.

Is he keen to learn about how to support you in the birth process. Will he attend antenatal classes with you.

If you intend to breastfeed your baby, what does he think about breastfeeding and is he keen to learn how to support you.

Is he prepared to support with night waking. How is your post partum welfare going to be his priority.

Does he engage with your friends and family and encourage you to spend time with them. Does he have a healthy relationship with his own family. Can he say no to his parents and put you first. Are they supportive or judgemental.