To resent my dad for defending step-mum’s behaviour

I just get the feeling that if it were a male stepparent behaving in this way (by that I mean alienating him from his children/making it difficult for the family to be at events together etc etc) people would be more open to the idea of him being controlling and abusive. The relationship is toxic either way but in this case we seem to be saying ‘ah well your dad is an adult he chose this’ and not considering that maybe he is stuck in an abusive relationship and unsure how to move forward. He seems to be maintaining a relationship with op so it can’t be nice for his wife to be so openly hostile to her and his grandchildren.

Not to mention the racism, homophobia and general nastiness on clear display. There would be an outcry of LTB if it were a woman.

Your father chooses to be in a relationship with a woman who is racist, homophobic and is rude and unpleasant to his children. I'm sorry but I would have zero respect for him as a father and as a man. I loved my dad dearly but I know he would never have stood by and seen me treated badly by anyone. If he had, I'd have cut contact with him. Perhaps it's time you actually put some distance between you and your dad and tell him this is the consequence of his actions.

You know what l mean 🙄

Quite possibly her current stance is more game playing. She sounds like the type to like sticking her beak in, rather than a "dignified" flounce

Well it’s clearly the result of years of unreasonable and unpleasant behaviour from her step mother. I will never understand the mentality of people who marry partners with children that they just can’t bear, and also those partners allowing their own children to be treated so shoddily. I would never allow anyone to treat my children like this.

I see all the second wives / wicked stepmothers are out in force on MN today!

OP, she sounds awful. But take your DF off his pedestal. He made his bed. Nothing’s going to change. See him less. Sounds like it will be less aggro for all of you.

Absolutely! Why wouldn’t I?

Sounds like my abusive adoptive mother who’s a nasty piece of work, and my adoptive father who enabled her and was nervous of her terrible tantrums.

My childhood was ok because their parents and siblings were great - they were truly wonderful grandparents/aunts to me. I enjoyed visits to and from them. I also liked school and had nice friends.

My father is dead now and I rarely see the old woman. I will be indifferent when she dies. She’s not important to me, I have a good partner, my children, lots of friends.

Focus on the positives in your life OP and accept that your father is the way he is - meek and unassertive. He won’t change. You’re right to resent it but you can’t alter it.

She’s not family, just a woman your father just happened to marry. Don’t allow her to have any part of your life.

Sadly your dad can’t actually be that nice a man if he’s with such a bigoted nasty woman. Just keep things as they are. Spontaneous growth of spine and morals at 60+ is unlikely and it’s more hurtful for everyone to cut him out.

If she’s racist and homophobic and a disease on society surely it’s a win that she’s not there when you visit though?

Sadly, your Dad has chosen to ignore his wife's rude, nasty behaviour and expects you to do the same. I'm sure deep down your Dad knows he's married a deeply unpleasant woman, and probably regrets marrying her. He clearly knows his wife is unkind, and horrible, but excuses it by saying 'you know what she's like' and 'she is how she is'. It's behaviour he should have called her out on many years ago, when you were young. He didn't and has allowed her to treat you (and others) badly, and she knows your Dad won't say anything to her. That knowledge makes her feel powerful, and so therefore she says more and more inappropriate and nasty things to you. I would have lost respect for my Dad too, if he'd allowed his wife to treat me in this manner too. Yes, you could stop attending family events or even visiting your Dad, but you'd be playing directly into her hands. The fact she is now avoiding you, is a blessing, even though you may not feel it is and her attitude is hurtful. You can't make her like you, or make her a decent human being. Continue to see your Dad, if she isn't there (celebrate small victories!) or if she is and blanks you, ignore her. You can't change her and unfortunately you can't force your Dad to stand up for you either.

well clearly if she thinks OP should be shouting at her dc and following outdated feeding regimes, the OP DOES know better than her.

I relate op. My dad married quickly after his wife died and it soon became clear that old friends and family were not needed in the new set up. He has completely gone along with it. I do think men of that generation (he’s in 80s now) who didn’t cook etc just want an easy life and that means doing what the latest wife prefers

Poor woman?? She has been unkind to OP since she was a child. Her dad is nearly as bad. A decent father doesn't let his wife treat his child like that.

She could have tried being nice

I think you’ll find it’s the daughter making him choose. What more can this woman do than leave her own house to avoid conflict? It’s perfectly obvious that the only thing that would make OP happy would be her dad leaving his wife and she’s pissed off because he won’t oblige.

Making someone choose between their wife and their child is not the action of a "poor woman" its a nasty bitter bitch who wants to seperate a family and finally has a wedge

OP isn't putting her dad in a difficult position. He has managed that all by himself by marrying an unpleasant woman and allowing her to be unkind to his daughter. OP has had to put up with her behaviour from when she was a child. Her step-mother's behaviour is unacceptable. If I were OP, I'd not bother with the dad either. He has let his daughter down ever since the step-mother arrived on the scene.

That sounds like a nightmare.
Your father is unlikely to change.
He has a choice, he is choosing a rude woman over his child and grandchild.
Silly man.

Would you say the same thing if it were her stepfather and her biological mother?

l would pull her up every time she is rude

How does that work when she refuses to be under the same roof as OP?

This. She sounds vile! Who made her the living authority on everything?! Why has how you feed your children have anything to do with her? Your dad sounds spineless and pathetic. You are more controlled than me as l would pull her up every time she is rude

It sounds awful. I would never step foot in their house again, I would ring my dad and explain why. Tell him he is more than welcome to visit you but the visit will not be reciprocated.
Feel for you.

OP. I know exactly where you are coming from. I could have written your post. You have my sympathies. My on going saga has been in place since 1976. My SM hates me, my dad has no backbone and has let her get away with everything she’s done to me. She once told me it was my own fault that my darling son died from cot death…..I’ve never got over that TBH.

Dad is now in his mid nineties. Has multiple illnesses and he now relies on her completely. They live nearby but I only visit occasionally and only for half an hour at a time. When dad leaves this earth, I will be done with her.

If I were you I’d just stay away. Ring your Dad weekly to let him know that you are all ok and he’s welcome to visit you and your DC any time he likes. Don’t even mention her name. Give yourself the power back and put the ball in his court.

She solved your problem for you. You were clearly at the point where you needed to start keeping her away from your children. You can ignore her antics, but you can’t sit quietly while she says certain things in front of young children.

would it be better if your father left her? Possibly. Consider though that your father may not completely disagree with her, he is just better behaved.

many of us have problematic relatives and manage to maintain relationships. We set behavioral rules and as long as they abide by those rules we can still have family celebrations. It’s an agree to disagree situation because otherwise every gathering would be wwiii.

Your step-mother is effectively gone from your life. You won. Accept the less than perfect situation and move on.