To not go to funerals

Some of us find obligation meaningful - more meaningful, even, than being ‘true to ourselves’ all the time and only doing things we actively enjoy.

It's up to you really, but personally I like the closure and the gathering. I would always try to attend if informed of the funeral date. I've got a big family so between that and friends I've been to over 20 funerals.

Two very close family members died this year. One religious funeral and one non religious and unconventional. Both very moving and it was lovely to gather together.

I absolutely hate funerals and avoid most.

I don't think you'd be a fraud to show up, any more than an agnostic or Muslim would be a fraud to attend a church wedding. The person will never demand anything of you again. It's a basic acknowledgement that they existed, and that life has value, not a deep declaration that they were your favourite person.

I would judge a general abstinence from all funerals, but if you hate someone just don't go to theirs.

Please re-read this as: If I feel angry and upset by the words and actions of a close family member, and realise I don't even like them and have been traumatised by them, would I BU to say, no I'm not going?
Not at all. Sounds entirely fair and the best thing for you

But, that doesn't explain not attending the funeral of a friend who was a wonderful, inspirational person. No it doesn't and I don't know why you are still conflating the two unless you are trying to make not going to this one person's funeral into setting a precedent for not going to other ones. You've given no reason as to why you don't want to attend funerals in general other than you just don't fancy it and you don't like to do things expected of you which sounds like just being contrary for the sake of it.

I suppose though it's your chance to make peace with the person who died

When I lost my mum it meant a huge amount to me to see how many people attended her funeral. To know that people were prepared to put themselves to the inconvenience, even taking days off work, to do something that no one really wants to do, showed me how much her life had mattered. And that mattered to me.
So, unless it would really be seriously detrimental to my MH, if it was a person I'd be reasonably expected to turn out for, I'd be there.

It's not the worst day though is it? That's the day the loved one died. The funeral is just the performative bit. I would absolutely support the bereaved through the death, and after the funeral when everyone else swans off having done their bit by attending. I'll support the person after the event.

I try to avoid funerals tbh. I have gone to one or two, my Dad, my Mum, FIL, a best friend from school, my neighbour. I didn't go to MIL's, with DH blessing. I loved her, but the funeral was very religious and I don't believe, so it's all a bit uncomfortable praying and singing to something you think is nonsense.

Personal choice in my opinion.

I don't get it.

By all means don't go to the one funeral of the family member you dislike, but justifying not going to ANY others for the rest of your life because traditionally women were discouraged from attending funerals (it's nothing to do with being welsh by the way, it was just a tradition during victorian times that it was better for women (mainly middle and upper classes) to stay at home, 'angel of the hearth' and all that) is just bizarre.

Nobody likes funerals ffs

I think it’s really selfish if people there need your support.

I’m not keen on funerals and only go to family members and one or two others.

Posted twice.

We are both having direct cremations mostly for financial reasons but also because we have 3 adult children, one sil and bil and no close friends or even acquaintances really. So it doesn't make sense to have a proper funeral. Our kids have said they are happy about it. Whether they are just saying that I don't know but it is what it is. We are not religious either.
So I wouldn't judge anyone who didn't attend, you can support the bereaved in other ways.

I hate funerals and am having a DC myself. However I do go to family funerals, direct and indirect to offer my support to the family of the deceased. I am always upset by them and never attend the wake. I think it's a comfort to the bereaved to see how much their dead person was loved and regarded.

There's nothing wrong with people getting tearful/upset/distressed at a funeral, There is no expectation of a stiff upper lip. Just have tissues and don't wear mascara.

Grief is the price of love, after all.

I think the deal is, OP, that you can have all the reasons you want for not going to funerals - that Welsh women once couldn’t go to them, that you shouldn’t have to bow down to tradition just because, that it’s not ‘authentic’ unless you 100% want to be there, whatever - but you don’t get to dictate whether people judge you for it.

People are entitled to feel how they feel about you, just as you are entitled to feel how you feel about funerals. C’est la vie.

🤷‍♀️

I’d judge you. Just like I judged the woman who turned up to my mum’s requiem mass in a pair of fucking jeans.

The big takeaway from my parents funerals was the amount of people who came who were previously names on Christmas cards from when they were young friends who still travelled for several hours on the day, and who talked to me for a while about what my parents were like when they were young. Gave me a view of my parents I’d never seen.

So it's not really about funerals per se at all, but whether you would be unreasonable not to go to the specific funeral of someone you disliked and was unpleasant to you.

That's a rather different proposition than your blanket statements