To not go to funerals

I’d definitely judge you, like the people in a previous thread who wouldn’t go to see someone on their death bed it smacks of narcissism and selfishness to me.
It’s also linked to the modern phenomenon that people should never experience discomfort, inconvenience or anything that might upset them.

Do what you want for your own funeral that’s totally your choice.

I was grateful to those that attended my DHs to support the family. However, each to their own.

But, I would never go to the wake without going to the funeral. It looks like just turning up for free food and drinks.

It’s really interesting that everyone is split relatively equally on this. Giving me new perspectives.

Families come from different ‘funeral attending traditions’. DH’s family is funeral-attending to an extreme degree. FiL, distantly from Irish descent, was into full-on funeral tourism - he would travel to the funeral of anyone and everyone he was however remotely connected with (second wife he never met of previous business associate who died some years before type thing, and any funeral at all in his closest church). He enjoyed the social event, always ate lots at any funeral tea, and was never abashed by the fact he often didn't know the deceased.

In my family, by tradition - South Welsh - women do not attend funerals. My mother has occasionally attended as the formal representative of my father if he was not available . I attended the memorial service for my grandfather, and also for a college friend who died young, but my parents-in-law are the only people whose funerals I have attended, just because DH’s family would have been offended by me putting my tradition in front of their own.

Without knowing someone’s history, traditions and perhaps previous trauma, I don’t think it’s reasonable to judge their attendance or non attendance .

You're nor Cat Dealy by any chance, @AtlanticStar ?

Not going to the funeral of someone you actively disliked, if your reason was good, is fair enough. But "being true to yourself" sounds to me like putting a spin on "not doing anything I don’t fancy doing".

"Obligation" is not necessarily bad. It’s one of the reasons we don’t all lead totally selfish lives, ignoring the needs of others.

I'm an atheist but I don't insist on "being true to myself" by refusing to attend religious ceremonies on principle if I’m invited to them. I've been to christenings, bar mitzvahs, weddings and funerals of all persuasions. I don’t join in prayers but keep respectfully silent. I go to show respect to those who invited me or the one who died.

I lost a long time friend this year and his son arranged the funeral outside the city where we all live. I am disabled and do not drive so I could not have attended. Then he sent a text to say that it went off wthout any mourners and was all arranged by the funeral directors. He did send some video of the coffin in the crematorium and it was all very tastefully done.

I think close family or friends, you'd be missed and people would wonder where you were.

Otherwise, I think as long as you sent a card or something to show you were thinking of them it would be ok.

I have never found comfort in the funeral of a loved one. Just dread and a ramping up of grief, if that's possible.

Apart from my husband, my brother and his wife, plus Dad when it was mum's, I could not tell you who else was there for my parents' funerals. I didn't want to be there, I just wanted to be left alone with my memories, so did my brother.

For myself I want a direct cremation with no one having to feel they must go. Have a get together a month or so later when a modicum of the sting has passed by all means.

Everyone has the right to their own feelings on the matter. I would not think the worse of someone who did not want to attend.

Don’t you want to support any of the bereaved people in your life? I think that’s fairly shitty tbh, to just lay a blanket rule on it. I mean, nobody enjoys them, but we go because we are part of a community or a friendship group or a family, and it’s a nice kind humane thing to do.

I don’t think you’re BU. My mum passed away in 2022 and since then I’ve decided I won’t be going to any more funerals, except maybe MIL, FIL, GMIL, etc as I’d want to support my DH.
My own GM passed away in February and I didn’t go to hers either. I know some of my family won’t have been happy about that and think I’m selfish for it but IMHO funerals can bring out the worst in people, or that may just be in my experience.

You should do whatever feels comfort for you.

I wouldn’t judge you at all. We have lost friends (young - both in their 30’s) and I didn’t attend either of their funerals. The whole time after their deaths was like some awful public grief competition and I absolutely cannot and will not be part of that.

The only exception I would make is if it was one of my close friends who needed me to be there to support them and just get them through the day.

Gosh.

Entirely your choice, OP. Not everyone feels a need for or benefit from funerals, which is why 20% of deaths are now followed by direct cremation.

I go to support the family/friends left behind.

I don't want a funeral and I'm not planning to go to any more either.
I've been to many over the years, including my own dad's when I was a teenager - I feel now that saying cheerio quietly, and also interacting while we're both alive, is really what matters. I've found catholic funerals particularly draining (no offence to any catholics - you do what you need to do to mourn). Some folk will judge us - let them.

A funeral is like any other invitation, you can decide not to attend for any reason. But you may be judged adversely by the person who issued the invitation. Your friends and relatives are usually grateful when you turn up to their birthday meal, baby shower, mum's funeral, etc because you have taken time to do something that is important to them.

The relatives of my mum's generation are beginning to shuffle off, and so I have been to a few funerals over the past couple of years. I will go if I can, work permitting. If I can't, I'll send flowers or a donation, and write a card to the deceased person's next of kin. I go to reunite with family members, but I don't find them that sad? More, celebratory.

I also go to colleague's funerals. I've been to Irish, Scots, Jamaican and Sikh funerals. All have been brilliant! Great music, funny stories, fab food and free bar! A bit sad, but really, it's a remembrance of the deceased.

Despite this I don't want a funeral because my circle is incredibly small, so I don't think it will be well attended. Instead I want to be cremated and for my daughter to have a party at a later date instead.

I know at least two people who absolutely bloody love funerals.

Bloody grief thieves.

Suppose your best friend (heaven forbid) lost her partner and child in a car crash. Let's also suppose she has no living parents herself. Would you attend? To support your friend?
I'm sure anyone other than the most awful selfish people would unless some very unusual circumstances. Like the recent death of a child yourself.
Really the way I see it is if close family have organised a funeral and told you about it, that likely means THEY want you there. And IMO you should go. For THEM.

I think YABU. Surely nobody likes funerals, but that’s not the point. It’s not about you, it’s about giving some comfort to those closest to the person who’s died by showing them how much that person was appreciated.

Imagine what it would be like if everyone did the same as you and only a very few people attended a funeral. That person's loved ones would feel terrible.

You can specify in your will you would like a direct cremation
However funerals are about those left behind so if they want to mark your passing let them, you'll know nothing about it either way.

Choosing not to attend funerals is a tough one. In many ways going is a mark of respect and support to the close relatives left behind. I think a good turn out can be a source of comfort to those grieving.
If I hated funerals or found them triggering in anyway I would pick the ones I felt were most important for me to attend - very close family and friends or those that were likely to have only a few mourners attending.

Grief takes months. It’s not all done and dusted in a fortnight.

You're not unreasonable but I'd tread carefully with some people. You might cause great offense to some close family of a deceased if you don't go - especially if they don't understand your reasons or know you well.

Chances are all your nearest & dearest know you well enough that offence will never be taken but grief makes people very sensitive so just be aware and take the time to communicate clearly and sensitively to those you know.

I'm really very sorry for your recent losses