To not go to funerals

I went to one for a family member at the beginning of the month. They are bloody heard mentally and not something anyone should feel forced to go through so you do what you have to do and if that means not going that’s completely okay xxx

She was, I was in Amsterdam on the day of her funeral and went to see the Van Gogh museum because she was obsessed with starry night and never got to see it which I think is a nicer way to remember her than a funeral. I hope my grandkids do something cool like that instead of going to mine.

(FiL went to all funerals, invited or uninvited. If he became aware of a funeral
being held, he was there, especially if a couple of his ‘funeral buddies’ could go too)

Ah, yes. I can see that if you as a family invite scores of relatives, publicise the date to all contacts etc - as DH did for FiL, following his family’s tradition - then actively turning down the invitation is different from when the bereaved have just quietly made arrangements.

I was surprised, as MiL and FiL’s funerals, how little care / focus / ‘support’ there was for the genuinely bereaved. The vast majority of the attendees were there to see and talk to and eat/drink with each other, rather than directly with the bereaved family members. A but like a big wedding, really, I suppose, where direct contact with the bride and groom is often minimal
in comparison with conversation with people on your table etc.

But it's different if you didn't invite people. I wouldn't ever turn up at a funeral uninvited!

Funerals are for the living. While it’s nice to pay your respects and connect with family etc at them, if you don’t find them helpful for your grief you shouldn’t feel you have to attend. No one enjoys them, of course, but I also think they’re not helpful to everyone. For me, they definitely make it harder to cope with loss.

My grandfather’s memorial service had us - his daughter, son-in-law, 3 grandchildren and their spouses - and one of his nieces.

He was no less loved and missed and respected because we didn’t invite the world. We were not devastated. Those who loved him best, those who cared about him, those who missed him most, were there. Who else did we want? Those who had supported us as he became frailer - the genuine ‘supporters’ - we knew who they were. We thanked them. We did not need them in a tiny church up on a hill one cold grey day to show their ‘support’. Everyone needful was there.

Oh FFS, THIS was the post I meant to quote rather than my own one 🙄🤦

When my dad died, we purposely did not put an announcement anywhere as we wanted a quiet, family funeral. Regardless, loads of random people turned up. People that we didn’t even know.

We had to ask the priest to announce that the burial was strictly private, to stop them going to the cemetery. A few of them had the absolute brazen cheek to ask me where the wake was. That was strictly invitation only so I had to basically say ‘sorry, stranger, you’re not invited’.

Some people see funerals as a free for all and a nice day out.

"DuckbilledSplatterPuff · Today 17:40

It's entirely your choice and no one else's business."

See I completely disagree with this. It's absolutely the business of the next of kin of whoever died. If you were my sister for example and didn't bother attending the funeral of my husband, I'd definitely take that as MY business.

If everyone took this view at a particular funeral and nobody turned up other than the next if kin just imagine how devastating that would be to them. Like nobody gives a shit that their world has ended and their loved one is dead.

This.
Seeing the people who attended my dad's funeral and in particular the ones who didn't have to, non family and close friends like the man from the paper shop who saw him near daily or the couple who lived a few doors down really made me feel fuzzy with appreciation that they thought highly enough of him to take time out of their days to come and remember him.

Wow. I’ve never seen behaviour like that at a funeral - and I’ve been to a lot.

Tbh, for me, funeral attendance is not about ‘support’ and all about a (relatively low time or cost impact) opportunity to be ‘seen to be supportive’.

’Support’ is long-term, quiet, private, individualised.

‘Funeral attendance’ is short term, sociable, public and to a large extent standardised.

It's entirely your choice and no one else's business.

If it was someone really close that I was in contact with I'd go, particularly if I knew their families, but funerals of people I wasn't particularly close to, and hadn't seen or heard from for 15 years I sent a card instead. It felt so inappropriate to be there with a long face, when it hadn't really impacted me and they had closer family and friends really grieving.

Extended distant family are professional funeral goers, look on it as a holiday or excuse for a booze up, love displaying their fine emotions and making it all about themselves, that probably has a lot to do with why I feel that way.

I regret going to the funeral of my best friends husband. When the curtains closed around his coffin she screamed and screamed. It was awful. Even the undertakers were shaken and in tears.

I regret going to the funeral of a boss. His twin teenage daughters had to be carried from the church. I don't think it helped them to process his death. At all.

I think this is fine as you have attended a part of the day and provided a support to the bereaved.

I think I would raise an eyebrow at any family or close friends who didn't attend any of it though because it is a day to support the living as much as remember the dead. And if everyone abstained it would be a pretty lonely experience for the next of kin.

Is it attending the funeral, or actually showing support, that shows how family and friends support one another through tough times?

As my mother’s dementia deepens, I know exactly who shows support. Who appears at a formal ‘event’ is, by comparison, neither here nor there.

Im afraid I don’t understand that. Most funerals are not about comfort for you. The point is that a good attendance brings comfort to those most closely bereaved, by showing how much their loved one was valued by others and how families and friends support each other through rough times.

What I meant about traditions was this: when my mother dies, do I stay away to show respect for the tradition she upheld and represented (that women do not attend funerals), or do I attend her funeral because other people might judge me as they follow other traditions?

Funerals are about the living really, so personally I think you should go to show love and support for the family. For example if your child died before you, would you prefer sitting in an empty venue because nobody could be bothered or sitting in a full venue surrounded by the rest of the family and their friends? I think I'd only not judge someone if they had mental health issues or trauma and genuinely couldn't cope with the funeral themselves.

Funerals are for the living I think. You go to share condolences and to grieve. It also helps to process the finality of that person's life.

I don't think I understood that my brother was dead until I saw him buried.

You obviously don't HAVE to go to funerals but not going to them could lead to friends and family seeing you as uncaring and unavailable for support. That could lead to cracks in those relationships. I've never regretted going to a funeral as I could see what it meant to the people closest to the person who died.

But I'm Irish and we have a different attitude towards death and funerals than most in the UK anyway.

I'm glad direct cremations are becoming popular. I decided long ago that's what I'd want, and felt it was quite usual to have one.

Since C19 this seems to be a more popular option. It's written with my Will this is what I want.

@RosesAndHellebores "I think the feelings of those left behind in relation to your presence are more relevant than your personal wishes."

I absolutely agree. My DH died suddenly and completely unexpectedly at the age of 47. He literally dropped down dead in front of me. I don't have a "support network" as such but it was a strange sort of comfort to see so many people come to say goodbye at his funeral. People turned up who knew him from years ago and had read the announcement in the paper. Conversely, a neighbour who had known us both very well indeed for 30 odd years (and of whom I was very fond) told me she "didn't do funerals" so she stayed at home with her very much alive husband. If that sounds bitter and judgy, it's meant to. Not attending a funeral because you can't cope" or "you'll say goodbye in your own way" (or whatever) is the absolute ultimate in making a situation all about you.

No, I wouldn’t judge. I’ve told my family I don’t want a funeral. I’m pleased my kids are completely happy with this.

I think they’re awful and an absolute rip-off. I think being the child of Irish parents has put me off. I’ve seen how mawkish the ‘mourners’ are. They’ll turn up to the funeral of anyone at all, often to just gawp, and eat and drink for free.

I work indirectly in the industry and direct cremations with no service have become incredibly popular.

My mother never went to a funeral and she lived to be over 100. You don’t go for yourself but to support the family of the deceased. We missed an important one a few months ago because DH was in hospital but we had visited the person concerned only a few days before he died which I thought was probably more important.