To not go to funerals

I didn't see Irish people proclaiming that they are the best at grieving.

I saw Irish people acknowledging that we have different cultural practices and norms around funerals so our experience and expectations are different.

It's not embarrassing to have a different view and express that.

I'm sorry to hear of your losses.

Attendence is a personal choice; however, I've never regretted attending a funeral/cremation/memorial/celebration of life, but have definitely regretted not attending a few and there's nothing I can do to change that now.

Thinking of the one I went to 10 days ago (my school best friend's father) I wanted to be there to show support for my friend and his family although we're no longer as close, and out of respect for his Father who was a lovely man - I last saw them all 6 years ago. The family didn't expect me to be there and I know were very appreciative that I'd taken the time off and travelled (with accomodation) to go. They would have been fine without me there but it definitely meant something to them (and me) that I'd made the effort and I hope the good turnout will and many memories shared will ease their feelings of loss slightly.

Increasingly I'm seeing direct cremations or variations of with the intention to mark the person's life later which so often doesn't happen or have the same impact as an event within a few weeks would have done.

Personally I feel it's more important to attend when it's the first half of a couple so there is a bereaved partner than the second where the 'host' is less likely to be someone you know.

Whatever you decide I think it's nice to acknowledge the passing to the family with a letter or card so they know you were thinking of the person and them.

But those people were presumably going because your mutual friend wanted some extra support. I don't think that's weird at all. I went to a colleague's sister's funeral who I had never met but he was really falling apart and we were worried about him.

You can, but for some people (e.g. me), the long-term private support is a comfort, and the short-term public 'support' is torture.

Everyone is different, and I certainly think that if others show they would wish you to attend their relative's funeral (either by direct invitation, or by an obviously public funeral) you should attend if at all possible. But if someone shows that they wish for privacy, you should not press public rituals and condolences on them.

I got a message yesterday from a friend inviting me to see a dead person and go to her funeral. A friend of my friend but an aquaintance to me. I said no, I would feel very weird since I hardly know this person. She died at 40, left 3 children that I know who they are from the school run but I would feel like a bloody hypocrite showing up. Other mums who hardly knew the deceased said yes on the what's app group. I just think it's weird when you hardly know someone.

I will try my hardest not to go to funerals. I wouldn’t rule it out completely but if I can I won’t go. Luckily my immediate family all think the same. We didn’t have any funeral or service when my lovely Dad dies. We were so pleased we made that decision. It was what he wanted too. It’s not that we are afraid to talk about death or that we are afraid to show our emotions it’s just a funeral seems weird to me. What’s the deal with hanging out with a dead body. The body means nothing to me. The person has died. I want to think of the people when they were alive.

If people want funerals and want to attend them then they should. If it gives people comfort then of course they should have them but they aren’t for me.

The fact that some people who are grieving are resentful of people who don’t attend a funeral is small minded and unkind. If you are grieving that much you would think that was more important than judging people who don’t come.

My Mum won’t have any sort of funeral when she dies either. It’s in her will as it is in mine and my siblings. I really glad.

Bollocks.
I could write a full list of every person who took the time to come to my fathers funeral
and I appreciated every one.

The quotes from those who can’t be arsed above say it all, every single one about how they feel and how it wouldn’t benefit them.

selfish arseholes.

Yes. But what proportion of avid funeral-goers do? How many do the ‘performative, visible once-and-done thing’ but not the ‘less glamorous, ongoing, unseen thing’?

Personally, I would always value the ongoing support more.

My guess would be that if you asked a bereaved family, 3 or 6 months later, whether x or y had attended the funeral, they would not remember. They WOULD remember who brought meals in the blank time between death and funeral; those who visited the deceased in their nursing home even when they were lost in dementia; those who kept the deceased’s memory alive through an ongoing correspondence with the living; those who noted the difficult times (anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas) over time and were quietly in touch to offer solutions.

You can offer both though.

I hadn't really thought about this before, but now I do I think I have quite old-fashioned views about it (surprising, as I wouldn't say I have old-fashioned views about most things!); I do feel that it's important to go as a sign of respect and support.
I think that the family/people closest to the deceased would like to see familiar faces, even if you just show your face for a bit and don't necessarily contribute by reading or speaking, help out in advance or stay for a long time.
So yes, slightly reluctantly I have to say I think I would judge somewhat if people didn't come.

Yeah I'd judge. Unless you are the closest person to the deceased, then the funeral is not about you and what you want. It's about supporting the closest bereaved people. If you can't be bothered to do that in the way that they want at a really difficult time of their lives, sod you.

100% agree.

This is the problem with not normalising death and funerals.

If children were exposed to death-is-part-of-life, they would not scream or need to be carried out of funerals.

But overt signs of grief are nothing to be ashamed of. A funeral lets you vent in this way.

@AtlanticStar

I don't go to funerals either OP.

I find them needlessly maudlin and they serve no worthwhile purpose for me so I simply don't go.

Didn't go to either of my parents' funerals, and I can't see me opting to attend another one at any point from here on in.

Brilliantly put, and you're correct.

I wouldn’t judge you at all - many people can’t make them as they are working, and also, some people just can’t handle them. I sweat profusely at funerals (adrenaline) it feels horrible and I leave not even hearing the service as I’m so anxious-I hate the dark dingy space and atmosphere at our local crem. Saying that, we made the best of it when DF passed a while ago. It was a brilliant funeral, lighthearted, some serious elements, a few giggles and a wonderful wake with a stunning sunset. He’d have been so pissed off he missed it.

DM, 2 friends and 3 work colleagues have died too young from cancer in the last 3 years. It hits hardest when you have grief for friends/family who are a similar age. I also have one hale and hearty 97yo relative who doesn't want to be here any more who I have to jolly along. I offer support to their families (have sometimes attended the funeral but more often only online). I find each one intensifies or relives the grief of losing DM in a way.

Make the most of your time on earth, be kind, use your best glasses/china, hug your loved ones close 💕

As an Irish person,I have noticed that whenever this topic comes up, other Irish people will fall over themselves in excitement to proclaim that they are simply the best at grieving and funerals. Its deeply embarrassing, very sorry for that OP.

YANBU at all. Funerals are for the living - if you would rather not go, do what is best for you.

I was raised to avoid funerals by my mother who hated them. I understood it to a degree, but I actually think that funerals are a way to mark respect. How is it that hard to sit and listen to a eulogy about someone you cared for? It’s also supportive for family and friends and a nice way to remember someone by.

My mother didn’t hold a funeral for my Dad. It was an awful day as I wanted to be there for him and a non attendance cremation didnt feel the respectful thing to do.

I did my own thing and even drove 400 miles to be near the crematorium that day. I think people have lost the importance of a ceremonial way of grieving.

Funerals are for the close family and friends of the deceased. I go to funerals to support them so they know they're not alone and other people also care for them and their loved one.