To not go to funerals

Absolutely!

I think its a lovely thing to do to support your BIL.

I've gone to funerals just because the bereaved is someone I'm close to... And I haven't known the dead person well.

I was very touched the number of folk who came to close family funerals to support me.

Me too...

There were close friends that didn't make my mum's (local) funeral... Which I knkw they would usually have come to.... It was just care commitments... One turned up afterwards with her small kids in tow... Which was actually lovely... Quite cheering after a sad service.

One friend called and wrote - she just couldn't face it as her own mum's death only been a couple of months previously.

But your non attendance I would think odd... Obvs it IS personal choice. I'd think you didn't care if you hadn't contacted the bereaved.

Been thinking more about the question of turning up at a funeral versus long-term practical support like being in touch on difficult days, bringing food etc.
I do appreciate the points about providing support in the longer term and different and quieter moments.
But I think some people are saying that attending funerals is 'just for show' and, I don't completely disagree with that, I also don't think there's anything much wrong with it, in the sense that funerals are one of the rituals the human beings have been taking part in for I don't know how long. They don't necessarily have to 'mean' that much in themselves to be meaningful, if anybody sees what I mean!
I'm thinking of my family, who are not close and who don't really talk about any difficult things or share our emotions. But we have been together at funerals, and, even though we're still not exactly weeping on each other shoulders, it's always felt like the right thing and a good thing to do.

I think what I'm saying is that sometimes the turning up, even if it looks like it's 'for show' or just 'the done thing', is how people communicate and how they show that they care.

Obviously you don't have to go to people's funeral if you don't want to but obviously the family will notice. If you never go they're likely to think it's weird.
No-one enjoys going to a funeral but it's about supporting the deceased family. Why would you not want to offer support at such a horrendous time?
When my mum died a few of my cousins didn't come which is their choice but a bit off considering my mum spent most holidays looking after them. So I guess in those circumstances I do judge but if it's someone you're not close to it's different m

I would respect your decision not to attend, if you contacted the deceased's family and let them know you would not be coming. I trust if you did you would send a card or speak to them to express your condolences.

I will not go to another one. Ive only been to 5 ( I'm mid 60s) and that included my adult ds last year. It was awful.
Dh is having a direct cremation as am I.
I don't give a fuck about what other people think or if I will be judged.

I'm Jewish, so customs are different. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone not attending a funeral, although it wouldn't occur to me as an option for myself.
However, I am a bit ashamed to admit that, even almost ten years later, I am still disappointed with friends who didn't come to my father's Shiva.

I didn't go to my uncle's funeral. I just said I have a young baby and need to be at home with him. I had taken him to my gran's funeral and he had kept crying so I had to leave and meet everyone later

I’ve just spent a small fortune on train tickets to attend my brother in law’s Dad’s funeral 200miles away- he’s having a rubbish time, he was at my Mum’s funeral and he’s family and I know it will mean a lot to him that I made the effort.

I think you go to show the close family that you cared about their loved one and want to honour their memory by hearing all about rhem
and giving them a day. If you don’t go to the funeral then try to send that message in other way a

I too made a similiar decision recently after attending my friends husbands funeral. She was so deep in grief she literally had no idea who was there she had to be physically supported to stand and greet person after person. Her children had to do the same while hysterically crying I thought it was absolutely horrendous to see their raw grief put on display for everyone there . I swore there and then that I wouldn't attend a funeral ever again . Im irish and its seen still as quite shocking not to attend a funeral but at this stage of my life I really dont care . My in-laws go to them constantly even people they vaguely know out of "respect" and its a real burden on them

Well you haven't come to that conclusion, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

I am just pulling out certain elements of discourse on this thread, not making blanket statements about anyone who’s ever chosen not to go to a funeral for whatever reason.

Some posters have said they find funerals pointless; others have given the opinion that people who go to funerals are being ‘performative’. Yet others have set up a false dichotomy between people who attend funerals, and people who offer ongoing support to the bereaved, seemingly unable to understand that most people do both things - it’s not either or.

I’m hearing you say that there is one particular funeral you don’t want to go to because of a difficult relationship with the deceased. That makes total sense to me. I also get it when people say they are traumatised by funerals. Fair enough!

What I don’t get is the decision just not to go to any funerals ever, because one don’t like them or see the point - accompanied by the stubborn insistence that there is no point, and that any bereaved person whose feelings are hurt by this are, as one poster expressed, clearly not grieving well enough if they’re able to notice who’s turned up. It’s a total failure to understand that other people’s feelings are not wrong or stupid if they’re different from yours.

Yes we all have free will, we can have our own boundaries, nobody is obliged to do anything they don’t want to in a free society etc - but we also need to live with the consequences of our choices, which may be that some people feel hurt by us, or think we’re a twat.

You haven't explained why you won't go? I generally go to support the family of the deceased so feel not going is a bit selfish. But I'm Irish, go to many many funerals. And unless it is someone close I don't find them personally distressing, though I feel great sympathy for the bereaved of course.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

You can ‘get out of’ having a funeral by prepaying for a non-service disposal, i.e. direct burial or cremation. You can specify in your Will that your estate is not to be used to pay for a service or ‘wake’.

I have told my closest relatives I will be doing this and how I would like them to dispose of my ashes. They have laughed and promised to undertake my wishes.

I have also told them I will not be attending any more funeral services.

I think the best position is ‘never apologise, never explain. After a lifetime of doing what other people want me to do, expect me to do, criticise me for my reasons for not doing, etc. etc. I am going to do what I think is right. No more guilt, obligation, duty.

I’ve obviously had several people close to me die but no immediate family members. I think there is another perspective which is that funerals are burdensome to arrange, at an already awful time, a huge expense, and not that personal anymore because many people are not religious. I’ve listened to friends talk about how awful arranging it was, they hated the funeral etc. I feel like I was there for them, even without attending, and no one has cut me off or been dramatic because I didn’t attend a funeral. My father stopped going to them as well, years ago. My DH’s father did not have a funeral (his request) and my DH was relieved. i’m not going to argue with you — if you think it’s selfish and self-centred that’s fair enough but I just don’t Think that they are the big opportunity to be there for someone that you think they are.

Well I do @WellConfusedandDazed

Do you genuinely not care that it might hurt people you care about, if you don’t show up on one of the most difficult days of their lives?

Im really not goading, it’s just very different to how I think of it.

Yes. This is exactly the tradition I was born into and imbued with - both the non-attendance at the funeral (though often the provision of the tea afterwards) and the value of supporting the grieving after the crowds have gone.

Ok, if you say so.

Well, but you understand that nobody wants to, and yet we do because it’s a kind altruistic act to do for someone in our lives who we presumably care about to some degree or other?

This whole ‘nahhh they’re just not for me’ is the height of solipsism.

Edited because I've just seen your latest posts where you've said the reason you don't want to go is because you hate the person. Well then don't go then. I think this is quite a different proposition from how most of us interpreted your original post.