To not go to funerals

What I don’t understand with people like you and a few others is why you are so against the idea of giving support to the mourning relatives. Lots of people here have said that they were immensely comforted by the presence of friends at their family’s funerals.

Great, I'm glad they felt supported. I wasn't present at any of these funerals though, so clearly I wasn't missed.

Don’t you care that you could make the shit day better

Honestly, no, because my personal view is that the shit day is made unnecessarily shit in the first place by opting to have a funeral. If people want to do the whole maudlin, mawkish, self-flagellating thing, fine, that's their choice. I'm not going to then play along on the pretence of "showing support".

but choose not to because of selfish and narcissistic reasons?

It is not selfish or narcissistic to either hold a contrary opinion, or uphold your personal boundaries.

I can only assume that people like you don’t have any friends anyway tbf so doubt it’s much of an issue

This is an odd conclusion. FWIW, plenty of friends, the same number of relatives, colleagues and so on as most typical people, I just don't go to their funerals.

I don’t think it happens much any more. It was never an English thing and Scotland and Wales seem to have changed.

I appreciate that it’s a bit of a thread derail but I am surprised that no one has commenting on the disgustingly misogynistic tradition of women staying at home to make the tea while the men go out to the funeral ceremony, clearly reinforcing the idea of women as support humans with no real feelings or autonomy of their own.

What I don’t understand with people like you and a few others is why you are so against the idea of giving support to the mourning relatives. Lots of people here have said that they were immensely comforted by the presence of friends at their family’s funerals. Don’t you care that you could make the shit day better but choose not to because of selfish and narcissistic reasons?
I can only assume that people like you don’t have any friends anyway tbf so doubt it’s much of an issue.

I do understand this point of view; but at the same time I do find it a little sad to think of funerals with no or few mourners.

Not many people, with the possible exception of undertakers, likes funerals.

When my brother died, we found the sheer number of people who attended his funeral hugely comforting. Some didn't even know him but they were there to support us in our grief. We were very touched.

There are many things in life that we do that have a benefit to others or society as a whole that we may prefer not to do

I agree, and I still do many of the same things other people do for the benefit of others, because I don't lack for empathy, it brings me the same sense of wellbeing it does for anyone else, it's just "nice to be nice" after all, but my line in the sand is funerals. It's the one thing I don't do, and I simply don't care if anyone judges me for that because I neither need nor want their approval, and I don't feel shame simply because my choices don't align with someone else's personal system of morals and values.

Example - visiting an elderly aunt who hasn't got long left. I don't know her well but she was my dad's sister. It cost me half a day and a long drive. Nothing in it for me although I was glad I did it because she was thrilled to see me

The difference here is your elderly aunt is very much alive and aware of your visit. The protagonist at a funeral is not, so my attendance or otherwise matters not a jot to them. As I said, personally I find funerals utterly pointless, to me they serve no worthwhile purpose whatsoever because I'm not sentimental in any way, I'm not religious, I don't see any purpose in ceremony, and I've never felt any need to organise or attend a funeral in order to deal with grief.

I can, however, completely understand why other people feel totally differently, and of course I accept that for them funerals are a necessary part of the grieving process. What I do not accept is people telling me I have to go through the motions with something I simply do not agree with purely for the sake of appearances or offering "support". There are plenty of people who share the view that funerals are a worthwhile endeavour, so they can go to them, show support, do the whole funerals thing, and have the decency to respect the rights of others who feel differently.

(Someone was talking about a historical figure in the town I live in, who was a thoroughgoing rogue in hindsight - and known to be corrupt and venal at the time. Apparently their funeral procession blocked the streets, and their memorial
is massive compared to others whose much humbler memorials and family-only funerals belie much greater and more positive impact)

Strongly agree with this.

A relative was a bigwig in something Cityish, the type of job in which ‘connections’ are important. His funeral was large, but many of the attendees had relatively shallow links to him - they were duty and ‘societal expectations’ links, not ‘deep love’.

My grandfather was, for many years, someone with a critically important job alongside a (largely secret, even to the beneficiaries) significant charitable activity for very vulnerable people. His funeral / memorial was attended by those who deeply loved him.

The idea that the size of the funeral procession / attendance is a measure of ‘importance’ or ‘love’ or ‘someone’s true value in the world’ is very strange, and very Victorian.

Depends on the type of funeral - many are more celebrations of life now, and I have heard some really wonderful memories and stories about people that have helped after their dying

It’s more about those who are left behind, and how well you know and love them - so for example if you were my best friend, and you didn't come to support me at the celebration of my DH’s life, then I would probably feel upset and disappointed

Same. If people couldnt be bothered to show up I would absolutely notice and yes it would be something I couldnt get past, so the end of our relationship. But honestly by not coming they'd be showing that they didn't give two shits about our relationship anyway so I guess they'd be ok with that.

In fact it would make one of the worst days even worse than it would otherwise be. And while I understand that not everyone feels like that, I'd wager that most do.

Well that's fair enough but I can't imagine anything that I would find sadder than hardly anyone bothering to turn up for someone I loved. It may not have a reflection on how MUCH someone is loved, no. But it certainly gives an idea of the number of people who loved them.
I would be devastated.

@VikingLady
The saddest funerals are the ones with only a couple of mourners.

I disagree. Strongly! Funerals are not popularity tests. It’s not unusual to only have a few people attend especially when older people die. We didn’t have a funeral for my Dad but if we had he would have had very few people attend. It doesn’t have any reflection on how much he was loved. Some people keep to themselves and don’t have big social networks but that doesn’t make them unimportant. Funerals should never be a bums-on-seats contest.

Generally speaking though, I would notice who didn’t come. I’ve been to a few with only a handful of immediate family.

The saddest funerals are the ones with only a couple of mourners.

My dad’s was brilliant - standing room only in the church and tons of people offering their memories of him. He’d have loved it. It was cathartic to be able to cry about it.

I go to pretty much every funeral and I judge the hell out of people who put their own fear or dislike of shedding a tear ahead of showing up for the last event connected with that person. My brother did that.

BUT. If the deceased and the chief mourners are all people who are/were unpleasant to you, then that’s a different matter.

That said, my aunt was pretty awful and we all went to her funeral. But I suspect it was mostly to make sure she was definitely dead. Plus a social occasion.

The flowers that filled the front garden for my mum's funeral.

The fact that it was standing room only for my father's.

The children that attended my young relative's

Many, many years ago now

And I'll never forget them

I have quite strong feelings on issues around death. If there is a very specific reason for being unable to handle funerals or death, I might take a different view.

Overall however, I accept that many people do not like funerals and so choose not to come. I also accept that many people are very uncomfortable dealing with death and so often choose not to say anything or proactively do anythign to support people who are dying, or their loved ones after they go because it is too "uncomfortable" for them.

Those people are people that I do not want to be an active part of my life. They have that right, but I hard fast to MY right to therefore believe these are not people I want to engage with, spend time with, or rely on. Ever.

So if my DH dies and friends dont' come to his funeral, too right - I'm very unlikely to make any effort to maintain those friendships afterwards. Come to think of it, of course, the reality is that the kind of person who wouldn't come is also the kind of person who most likely would not maintain a friendship with me as it would make them uncomfortable. So win win all round.

Then why does it bother you that others think it's disrespectful?

I do.

It should be about the deceased not you

You go to support friends and family

A ‘good thing to do’ would be to not judge people and a ‘good thing to do’ would be to respect other people have different ways of dealing with the death.

It’s often a very high stressed and emotional time when someone dies it’s best for everyone if people can be kind and accepting of what others do.

I....don't know how to break it down any further. Look up the individual definitions and put the words together.

What people wouldn't you want at your funeral? I didn't mention any specific people so can't respond to that either.

Selfish because you are prioritising your own wants over others. In this specific scenario, someone you know would like you to attend their parent's/partner's/child's/friend's funeral because, for whatever reason, having either you there specifically or a lot of people generally, would bring then comfort. It's irrelevant whether it would bring YOU comfort or not were you in their place, different people feel differently and they have established your attendance is something that would benefit them. That's the scenario. So, yes, you deciding not to go just because "you aren't obliged to" is selfish.

Deciding not to go for other reasons -can't afford to, can't get childcare or time off work, are on holiday, would bring up bad memories, didn't like the deceased... all potentially more justifiable and less/not selfish.

But you're not saying any of that applies, the sole rationale you've given (again excluding the one specific relative) is you've been to enough funerals and don't want to go to any more.

Wow, social obligations and 'a good thing to do'.

If it's a score sheet I can still claim exemption.

Yeah it’s basically - don’t be selfish. The world we be so much nicer if we call just remember that.

Agree with this. People are fixating on a very literal and narrow definition of 'having to do' things and on how as adults we have agency and choice. Of course we do, technically; but there is still such a thing as 'a good thing to do'.

Ok maybe I could have worded that better. It's a social obligation, something you do for the benefit of others in spite of your own feelings. There are many things in life that we do that have a benefit to others or society as a whole that we may prefer not to do.
Example - visiting an elderly aunt who hasn't got long left. I don't know her well but she was my dad's sister. It cost me half a day and a long drive. Nothing in it for me although I was glad I did it because she was thrilled to see me.