To not go to funerals

This in spades. Selfish attitude to not go to funerals. You go to support the bereaved friends and family and support each other.

Don’t want to derail and is interesting hearing the perspective of someone who has relatives who followed this but surely you can see that the fact that the women have to stay at home and then basically do lots of extra housework and cooking is incredibly sexist and not the lovely, cosy tradition you imply.

(As my mother once remarked, ‘the Welsh bury their dead on hillsides’. It’s not a fault NOT to bury the dead in a valley. Just different.)

Welsh valleys, yes. It’s dying out but may still be the tradition loved and espoused by the elderly (and therefore needs to be taken into account by the bereaved relatives of those elderly when they die, as they are planning their funerals / services of remembrance).

My grandmother - born in the early years of the last century - never attended a funeral.

My mother - born in the 30s - has attended some, more recently, to represent and occasionally support my father (she attended his parents’ funerals and those of her own parents).

I attended my grandfather’s memorial service at my mother’s explicit invitation. She knew he would not have approved but she also knew how fiercely I loved him and was grateful to him. I didn’t attend my grandmother's, as I was living across the world with a small baby.

When my mother dies, the tradition will probably die with her. I must ask her, while her dementia still allows her occasional lucidity, whether she would feel her traditions and values had been disregarded if I and my DD attend her funeral.

If eg the Irish can claim a tradition of universal funeral attendance, surely funeral non-attendance can also be a tradition? As other have said, the tradition is also of quiet, continuous, long term and private support for the bereaved and for those who are close to death - it is a tradition of ‘doing something positively different’ as much as it is a tradition of ‘not doing something’.

you are a heartless, self obsessed narcissist

Absolute nonsense.

It’s not about you!

Correct, it's about the wishes of the deceased and the relatives who derive purpose from having a funeral.

Hence why I don't attend.

Maybe a century ago.

I don’t disagree with any of this.
If the deceased wasn’t bothered or didn’t want a funeral and the closest relatives don’t then that should be fine.
My entire stance on this is based on the welfare/wishes of the deceased and the closest grieving relatives.

Lots of people don’t disagree tbf.
A few selfish sociopaths do.

It brings comfort to the immediate family to have people around to share the deceased person's final journey, share memories (prayer where relevant) and generally show up and be supportive.

It is not the time to put your feelings first.

Lots of people will disagree, but its true. Sometimes in life we should put other people's feelings first and this is one of them

First of all, to make things clear: if people would be comforted by one's presence at a funeral, and hurt by one's absence, then one SHOULD go to the funeral if one possibly can.

However, it doesn't only go one way. What about people for whom funeral customs are NOT comforting? For whom having to socialize with others and receive condolences and have our grief on display and conform to others' traditions would be absolute TORTURE and add to our grief? For whom the greatest comfort is to be allowed to grieve in privacy and be spared having to organize a funeral, or perhaps just to have a private family-only funeral? We do exist! Should we be pressed to hold a funeral and deal with people's condolences and intrusiveness, just because that's the tradition? (I am referring not to instructions from the deceased person but to social pressures from outside.)

I’m not sure it’s worth talking to someone so
completely devoid of normal human emotion as you are but just in case there is a tiny speck of humanity inside your empty shell

This is a totally ridiculous statement, because you've concluded I am "devoid of normal human emotion" and lacking humanity on the back of nothing more than the fact I see funerals as pointless and don't attend them.

You've totally ignored the fact that I have admitted that I still do all the other "normal", "caring", and selfless stuff aside from attending funerals, you've also ignored the fact that I have stated I completely understand why they serve a purpose for other people, so no, I am not devoid of emotion or lacking in humanity.

funerals are shit because someone you love has died

No, it's the fact someone you love has died that is "shit".

It’s not the funeral itself that it is traumatising for most

Why then, do people who are otherwise calm and collected, turn into a blubbering, inconsolable mess during the course of a funeral? Of course in those cases it's the funeral which is traumatising.

it’s the fact that the person has gone

Indeed, and the person remains "gone" irrespective of whether there is a funeral or not, which is entirely why I personally find them wholly pointless.

for many the funeral provides closure or a celebration

Of course, and if it is the funeral itself which provides this, then there is no reason at all for me to attend because you still have a funeral event either way.

Normal humans like to support people who are suffering when people have died and also show the person that they care. Many people are comforted by people attending their relative’s funerals

"Normal humans" also recognise and accept that not everyone is the same, and that people are free to make perfectly reasonable choices without feeling emotionally blackmailed or railroaded by judgement and shame.

Not in England but apparently in Wales and maybe Scotland. I’m assuming maybe in the Welsh Valleys or similar? I can’t imagine people in Swansea or Cardiff being so backward.

I've never heard of this, is it a thing in the UK?

There's an element of this should be about personal preference not obligation. Because if you only do something out of obligation how can you be true to yourself

Of course it is personal preference, nobody will make you do something you don't want to do but where does that end? Why do anything for anyone else? Why send birthday cards/presents? Why celebrate anyone's achievements or commiserate their losses? It's all very hollow to only think about things from your own perspective all the time.

If you had a bad experience at a funeral, or you didn't like the person, or didn't feel close enough to them to attend then absolutely fine, that is where personal preference and judgement of the situation comes into it, as long as family are aware and you think of a way to show your respect.. but not going because you 'don't want to go to a funeral' is fundamentally selfish IMO, it's not about you, it's about respecting the person, respecting what a massive difficulty funerals can be for the family left behind to organise and put effort into and showing your support.

I hate funerals, but will always go if I feel it is appropriate.

I’m not sure it’s worth talking to someone so
completely devoid of normal human emotion as you are but just in case there is a tiny speck of humanity inside your empty shell - funerals are shit because someone you love has died. Some are more shit than others due to it perhaps being a young person or a shock. It’s not the funeral itself that it is traumatising for most it’s the fact that the person has gone - for many the funeral provides closure or a celebration.
Normal humans like to support people who are suffering when people have died and also show the person that they care. Many people are comforted by people attending their relative’s funerals.

Yes I agree with you. There is a very clear and established protocol essentially.

The idea of "inviting" people to a funeral is something I had never ever come across until I saw threads on here.

I think it makes life a lot easier when there are very clear rules about how to behave at such a difficult time. Nobody has to stop and think 'Shall we have a funeral or not? Shall we invite people or throw it open to everyone? Shall I go or not?' You just do what's expected secure in the knowledge that others will be doing it too. I like tradition, as a general rule. I find continuity reassuring.

I found my Dad's funeral really helpful, for similar reasons, although I was a lot older than you when my Dad died. He lived to 89 and in the final year of his life he was very unwell and his quality of life had dropped off a cliff. We were very sad to lose him but it would have been worse to see him struggle on and to see my Mum struggling to look after him. In those circumstances the funeral was a chance to mark his passing and for family, friends and acquaintances to share memories about him and generally catch up. It was an important step on the road to getting used to life without him. I can't imagine not wanting to give him that final mark of respect.

Times are certainly changing and I wouldn't necessarily judge someone for not attending if it would upset them too much. If my children want to have direct cremation for me when the time comes, I wouldn't be ' hurt in advance '. However, direct cremation does have it's own issues.
My friend 's husband paid for his direct cremation in advance but she certainly struggled afterwards with ' not having closure '. Ive been to the funerals of people Ive never met purely to support their loved ones and it was very welcomed. My Dad died 'young' at 60 and it was standing room only at his funeral, which to me and Mum was very comforting. My hubby is a fair bit older than me, if he goes first I will have a traditional funeral, not only because of his wishes but for my comfort.

I live in Northern Ireland and honestly I would find it very strange and disrespectful for someone to make no effort to attend the funeral of a friend or loved one out with there being a reason they couldn't attend.

If you had been my friend and bailed out on me for your own self-preservation I’d never have spoken to you again, and I’m glad I’m not your friend

"bail out" is an odd way to describe someone choosing not to do something optional.

My refusal to attend isn't about self-preservation, as I said, I'm not sentimental, I don't get emotional, so I don't find funerals upsetting.

I completely understand your point of view, but likewise, if you are the sort of person who would refuse to speak to someone because they didn't attend a funeral, then I doubt we would be friends in the first place.

I actually had a nice day at my mum’s funeral - I was only 23 and got to say goodbye properly and hear about her from all kinds of people who knew her differently to me. My school friends all came to support me too, and helped out at the wake which was at home - they were amazing. If you had been my friend and bailed out on me for your own self-preservation I’d never have spoken to you again, and I’m glad I’m not your friend.

Perhaps it is cynical, but the fact remains that funerals are not compulsory, they are something that people choose to do, so I do find it odd that people will opt for a funeral and then tell everyone about how horrible/difficult/painful it was.

You didn't need to put yourself or others through this, it's a choice.

the shit day is made unnecessarily shit in the first place by opting to have a funeral. If people want to do the whole maudlin, mawkish, self-flagellating thing, fine, that's their choice. I'm not going to then play along on the pretence of "showing support".

If this is how you would speak to the grieving family and friends, it's for the best that you stay away. What a horribly cynical view.