To not go to funerals

I think if the loved ones left behind decide to have a funeral, they would probably appreciate people coming to it.

You go to a funeral not because it will be fun or enjoyable, but because it’s meaningful to the people who have organised it. To show your love for the grieving family and honour the memory of the person who’s died.

If you don’t go, I think it’s quite important to make sure you send a card at the very least, if you value your relationship with the person’s family.

If I’m honest I think I find it fairly strange to just decide you don’t do funerals as a rule, since you say it’s not because they make you upset. Why is it then?

Full disclosure - I come from a family (largely ND) where nobody bothers to give their loved ones funerals, and I have found it quite painful and hard to deal with.

When my grandmother died there wasn’t even an obituary, and her ashes are just sat in my aunt’s broom closet nearly 20 years on. My cousin died recently in his 30s and again, his ashes are just in a box somewhere, and nobody wrote an obituary because they ‘didn’t know what to say’. He had loads of friends, who didn’t feel able to organise an event on their own to remember him in case it somehow upset his parents (because that’s the only reason they could think of that his parents wouldn’t have a funeral for their son, it didn’t occur to them that they might just be coldly utilitarian people who can’t be bothered with the faff and expense).

For a lot of people a funeral is a very important part of honouring and remembering someone, even if it’s not for you.

I think it’s about supporting the living. I think it’s selfish not to go.

I don’t think you’re bring unreasonable, OP. But I go to funerals to support the dead person’s family.

Also, at the wake you often get a chance to tell relatives what the person meant to you, aspects of their life that family members may not know much about. It’s a comfort to hear how someone you love who has died was liked or admired by other people.

That’s why I like the fairly recent practice of holding a commemoration or celebration of their life.

I’m Scottish and I’d judge too, unless the person was grieving in which case they get a pass. I think it’s incredibly self indulgent and selfish not to attend a funeral to support a friend or family member(Assuming that it’s possible for you to get the time off and you don’t have to travel too far.) The bereaved’s feelings are more important than your dislike of funerals. I don’t think that anyone enjoys them but it’s important to be there for people and having attended a number for extended family members who died too young, it can be incredibly comforting to have the support of family and friends at the funeral.

This. I don’t enjoy a funeral, but go out of my way to attend to support the close family members whose grief is bigger than mine.

You say "This isn't about not wanting to be upset" but what is your reason if not that?

I suppose my view is coloured by a few people I've known making it clear that they were too sensitive to attend funerals and I couldn't help thinking "like the rest of us love them". If there is a formal funeral, I think the purpose of attendance is primarily to support the closest bereaved and that's the important thing.

They are for the bereaved as much as the person who has died. They are also an opportunity to pay your last respects. If they were a close friend or family member I thinj the feelings of those left behind in relation to your presence are more relevant than your personal wishes. They are also an opportunity to provide closure. The thud of a handful of earth on oak.

I agree with this. Generally I'm very "do what makes you happy", but it's about supporting the bereaved and respecting the person who died.

Yes, they're upsetting, but that's because you have lost a loved one.

In all honesty i’d probably think where is so and so. But then i’d probably just think we all grieve differently. One of my closest friends died this year. 9wks from diagnosis to death and I spent so much time at her bedside. I was so happy to see nearly all her friends made visits (could sign from signing in book) to see her, and I know many found it tough as she wasn’t the same person anymore as she had 2 large brain tumours and was a different person. One person in particular didn’t visit and I did judge a little, but recognise it’s hard to see someone like that. Friend didn’t have a funeral and we all found that tough.

We are doing a scattering in a few weeks which will be nice. I expect some people will choose not to attend. For me, I always go to funerals. Not just to pay respect to the dead, but to support the living. It’s always heart warming to see lots of people made the effort to attend.

It's completely your personal choice, OP, but funerals play an important part in the cycle of life. You are the one who is losing out.

It's not always possible to attend a funeral if you work during the week - most employers will only give leave for immediate relatives.

I'm a funeral verger, so see a lot. They are almost always happy events when someone has lived a full and long life. Even the sad ones have happy elements. The gathering afterwards gives an opportunity for shared reminiscences, and catching up with friends and family.

I think it's possible the soul of the just passed sees it and it could bring some comfort to them, and also a sense of ending so that they can move on. I just don't really want one because I hardly know anyone. But my family will probably do it because people think they have to don't they. I'm more concerned about how my body is handled

I don't go to them either, I am having a direct cremation myself like others in my family

I'm Irish & also find the idea of refusing to go to funerals quite shocking 😂 So yes I would judge

The last 2 funerals I went to were those of my children.

I absolutely refuse to go to anymore and have a direct cremation paid for myself.

I have been judged for not attending a friends funeral, in fact I was judged for not seeing him in the funeral home (the same one my chikdren were in).

I support the bereaved, I write letters and cards, visit and make meals, and really do what I can, but I simply cannot do funerals.

They absolutely are for other people. Which is why expressing a preference for a direct cremation is senselessly selfish. It’s fine to say you’re okay with that, but don’t make your kids fee like they’re being deprived of a funeral for their parents that they might want just to respect your wishes, when you’re not even going to be there.

From personal experience, I know it means a lot to grieving relatives to see friends and colleagues at their loved one’s funeral, so I always think it’s worth making the effort. Honestly, if I knew someone didn’t make the effort for anyone’s funeral just because they didn’t want to, then yes, I probably would judge them as a bit selfish.

I'm Irish too and things are not that different here in England.

It's still considered pretty insulting/unfeeling to not attend without a good reason.

It's the last thing you can really do for that person and their family don't want their loved one to look like a Billy No Mates who no-one cared about.

Plus the family will often need that support.

Funerals just prolong the grieving as you can’t seem to have one within the week anymore! I applauded you for taking doing what you want to do! I too will not go anymore funerals.

I entirely understand your reaction. I do not want a funeral myself; was relieved that both my parents chose direct cremation and no funeral; and at times of bereavement, my pain is increased by having to deal with lots of people and their condolences.

Whether you should go to a particular funeral or not, will depend on whether your non-attendance will cause further hurt to the bereaved. Many people wouldn't care, would have far more important things on their minds, or even, like me, would prefer to face as few people as possible. But if it's important to them, then I think you should go if possible.

It might be possible to suggest an alternative, such as donating to a charity in the name of the person who died.

Completely up to you. Personally, I find them comforting, following the death of someone close, and feel it important for me to show my support for those left behind. Not so many weddings now for family get togethers, so funerals seem to be filling that gap. Have got to the age when they’re more likely to happen and have been to five in the past year. On a happier note, a friend is organising her mum’s 100th birthday party, so there is some longevity still to be celebrated.

In all honesty I'd say it was a bit selfish because if no-one made the effort to go to funerals, I'd say it would be very upsetting for the immediate family.

I lost a close family member very recently and couldn't thank those who attended enough.

It made us feel supported and like people actually cared.

It depends on context, surely? So your relationship with the deceased and anyone else who might be going and would appreciate your support. Also, how you frame not going. Nobody wants to have to 'do' funerals so saying you don't want to could come a Ross as selfish to someone who is grieving and burying a loved one, but if you can be supportive in other ways eg make time to check in on the person who has lost someone, donate to their chosen charity, send flowers etc that might help.

For example, my aunt and gran didn't come to my sister's funeral and didn't get in touch for a while after which really upset my mum because she would have appreciated them being there to talk to. It upset me a bit too and it felt a bit like they just weren't that bothered about my sister's death. Maybe that's not how they meant it to come across but it did.

When MiL died I judged the people that did come. I looked after her through dementia for 10 years. Her family never visited, too busy. They all came to the funeral. Makes no sense to me.

I’m Irish and it would be completely unheard of not to attend a friend’s funeral but I know things are very different in England.

I hate them to be honest and avoid going at all cost. My Nan explicitly said “don’t come to my funeral do something fun instead” which I thought was nice. It is ultimately, a personal choice.