To not go to funerals

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Last funeral I attended was my dad's, I went to support my mum. When she died I did not attend her funeral. I will be having a direct cremation as I see no point in spaffing unnecessary money. If others are upset by what they perceive as my disrespect, so be it. I am at peace with my decision.

Well yes, unless you expect your body to be left lying around then there has to be some kind of disposal. That isn't a funeral. You can request no funeral, of course you can and just be practically disposed of with no ceremony.

I don't think it's really up to any of us though to demand how people chose to remember us or not.

YANBU, in not wanting too attend, or not wanting a funeral yourself when you pass.

However, I've had family members not attend funerals of my loved ones, and have never knew why. Aunts/Uncles/Cousins, when they would attend weddings and other celebrations. I thought maybe it's that they just couldn't be as*ed, especially the late person's auntie, who I thought would have attended and I never knew why or was told why not, by anyone else.

It's best to let NOK know that it's an issue with yourself, and not the deceased!

It’s your decision but sometimes it’s really lovely to go and support the family. When my mum died, we had a full house at the church and it made such a difference seeing how much she was loved. We chose to have a ‘celebration of life’ service though so it wasn’t a somber event. It’s what she would have wanted.

I don’t think it’s as simple as a blanket yes or no - but am fortunate so far not to have the experience of deep grief or trauma that some on this thread will have.

I will go to support friends / family whose grief is bigger than mine.

When it is my grief which is the largest I will not have it made worse by following a tradition for others which would bring me the opposite of comfort.

To tell the truth, I would be upset if you didn’t attend a funeral where I’d expect it

Yes. This. 100%
If it was my close family member and people didn't bother to turn up because they don't like funerals (who does??) I'd be absolutely devastated.

@HazelBeeZee I'm so sorry for your loss and your distress with your dad's funeral.

I was taking OP's question from the point of view of a "further out" mourner - one whose job it is to lean in and support those most affected. Clearly with your dad you were right at the centre and that's a different situation.

I'm Scottish (lapsed Catholic - don't know if that has any bearing) and would also find the idea of not attending the funerals of one's close friends and relatives also quite shocking.

To me, it feels like an obligation - an element of adulting (much like driving seems to be the litmus test for many posters on MN).

Like many people, I've had bereavements through my life, including a series of sudden and sad ones (sometimes they seem to come along like busses) but I couldn't imagine giving up attending funerals wholesale. My mum was unable to attend the funeral of a family friend's child when I was young, as it came fast on the death of my own sibling. But she kept going to adult funerals and eventually did attend the wake and funeral of a friend's grandchild.

I would not say anything however, no matter what I might think. So someone like OP would be none the wiser.

OP you definitely can 'get out of' having a funeral yourself if that is what you want. You can have a direct cremation. That is what I'm having, as did all my close family and in laws. So although half a dozen family members have died in the past five years I have not been to any family funerals.

I do go to friends' funerals, although in all honesty I'd rather not. I would not judge anyone either way, it's an individual decision.

No, they’re not very fun, but that’s part of life. If you’re not prepared to be there through the bad bits then why should you experience the good bits?

Showing up is a kindness for the relatives. If you can go, you should.

It's not a tit for tat situation. Choosing not to hold your own funeral doesn't make it a single iota less distressing for a family who holds a funeral and has hardly anyone show up.

I didn’t want to go to my father’s funeral but everyone insisted I’d regret it if I didn’t. Instead I regretted going. It was awful, I full on was hysterical throughout it and I had absolutely no control over my emotions. I hated seeing my siblings beside themselves, the music, everything was just so painfully sad. Yet I was with him when he passed, he was peaceful and just sleeping, I wish I had left it at that. Worse of all I know he’d absolutely hate how sad we all were at his funeral, he wouldn’t have wanted it at all.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I’d never judge anyone for not going to a funeral, any funeral.

Ar my mums funeral there was standing room only, and it brought me comfort in a bittersweet way to know this amazing woman had touched so many other people. Conversely, at the funeral of a friend who died by suicide there was barely anyone there, less than 20 people for sure. It was terrible and I felt so bad for the family, I can only imagine how directly it drove home how small and sad his life might have felt to him that so few people were there. They were vocally so grateful for those of us who did show up, and we could share stories they hadn't heard before and points of happiness they might never have otherwise heard.

So whilst I would try not to judge, in all honesty, I do think it's shitty behaviour. The funeral is for those left behind I agree, and if by turning up and showing "hi, you might not know me but I cared for your loved one" helps even a small amount, i'm willing to do it.

I grew up in Scotland and wasn't allowed by my mother to go to funerals. Both my grandfathers died when I was 15 - and it was a definite no.

When my mother died, we all went up to Edinburgh. My aunt had arranged babysitters for my three youngest, to which I politely declined - several times. They love it - not the funeral itself, necessarily, but the close family gathering that we hosted in our hotel the day before, and the refreshments afterwards, and were totally in awe of the sing song at my brother's house afterwards.

We also have our own family memories of that day - disasters come in threes - first, DS forgot his black tie and suit jacket, then DD2 had only one shoe, so had to wear furry boots, and I managed to pick up size 28 pants for myself when getting the black ties in M&S.

When I went up for my aunt's funeral, my uncle and cousins were so touched that I made the effort. By the time my uncle died, they expected me. Both were great opportunities to rekindle with the family.

Why does the support only happen for the couple of hours of the funeral though?

I don't attend funerals but I do support my friends through their losses.

Surely months and years of support isn't negated by not being at a funeral? And being at a funeral and thinking youve done your bit is far less supportive than showing up for months afterwards.

I honestly couldn't tell you who was at the funerals of my children.

We talk about this at work quite a lot - l agree op but my boss says it's for the ones left behind to gain closure. I hate the formality of them and would rather never go to one again. But l do go!

The funeral is for the remaining family, by not going you are disrespecting those people, not just the deceased.

If a close friend of mine (with no barriers like distance) chose to not come to the funeral of my close family member, I would judge you, i wouldnt say anything but id listen to that message. You're telling me (not the dead person, they're dead, they don't care), you're telling me that you are not there to support me. If you're not friends with the ones left behind, its not so much of an issue, but if you are, thats a different message entirely.

I think it’s selfish not to go, this is about supporting the closest loved ones and showing respect. It’s an important ceremony to mark an important milestone.
i think they are great in terms of a before and after and giving a different level of closure to your own grief as well.
also I just don’t get avoiding it because it’s hard. Lots of life is, you can’t avoid everything all the time, and nor should you.

But isn't the opposite equally selfish: to ask for a 'big send-off', when your family may find it UTTER TORTURE to have to deal with visitors and their condolences and possibly intrusive comments and actions, on top of their bereavement (even apart from their possibly needing to get into debt)?

I was very grateful to my parents for sparing me this form of additional suffering (and my mum, who survived my dad, was similarly grateful to him), though it was their genuine wish, not something I asked of them.

People differ as to whether a funeral is comforting or the opposite.

Ultimately, if the deceased person and those left behind have different preferences, I suppose it should be up to those left behind, as they're the ones who'll be there! But that doesn't mean you can't express a preference before death; just that you can't force others to follow it.

Actually I've just read your OP again and you haven't given an actual reason for not wanting to attend any more funerals?

Would you judge me harshly for doing this, or do you feel it's personal choice and many want to remember the person as they were.

How is attending their funeral not remembering them as they were?

I could understand if you were talking about seeing them in the chapel of rest with no lid on the coffin, but a funeral along with eulogies and photos etc, is exactly remembering them as they were?

It's the main point of it and the wake too.

If it was a close friend or family member then I would judge you, yes.