To not go to funerals

Well, it involves unlocking the doors, moving chairs to make way for the coffin, putting cones out on the drive... the last one I did involved walking through the town to find the bin men who had parked their wagons opposite the drive so there was no way the hearse could swing in.

The priviledge I do get is to be learn about the wonderful lives the deceased had, and to think that my funeral would not be a patch on theirs.

Also Irish and I would 100% judge this. No one likes or enjoys funerals, but you go to either show your love for the deceased or to support their friends / family on the darkest day of their lives. It is a mark of respect and acknowledgment. If you won’t put yourself through an hour of discomfort for a funeral service, I would consider you very selfish truthfully. I also wouldn’t consider you someone that would give much support in the grief that follows and would probably let that friendship drift

What rot. It’s not selfish at all.

Interesting that you say you want to “remember them how they were” when in fact this is the very purpose of a funeral. What do you think about attending the funeral would taint the memory?

I think everyone is happy to have support on the funeral day and the wider the net is cast, the more grateful they seem.

What stopped you from going to your younger friend's funeral?

And what's stopping you from now not going to anyone else's funeral?

My family live all over the UK so big events, including funerals, are the only times we can all get together and speak of fond memories of eachother or the deceased in the event of funerals.

I don't judge anyone who doesn't want to go, but I do think there's obviously different cultural expectations depending on where you're from.

Yes I got the idea from the tibetan book of the dead. They say at death you enter a dream like state which can be prone to be frightening and disorientating, for several weeks before you move on. The person often doesn't realize they have died, and so the funeral could help someone come to terms with their death. They also say that the body should be left in the open for three days just covered with linen and should not be touched or have upsetting scenes around them during this time

‘You do you’ is a sentiment I’m fine with in some contexts but not this one. It’s a time to do what respects either the wishes of the deceased or their family/friends. Absent a genuine trauma reaction to a funeral I’d say turn up and pay your respects as a minimum. I appreciate not everyone agrees with my view tho.

Why don't you go to funeral's op?

As others say, funerals are for those left behind.

People generally claim they wouldn't judge anything and everything, but I think it depends upon the complexities - easy not to judge a work acquaintance for not going to a friend's funeral, hard not to judge your best friend for not being there to support you at your husband's funeral just because she's decided not to go to funerals.

I’ve done the opposite - I’ve told my mother she’s having a massive fuck-off funeral if I have anything to do with it, with all the friends who have loved her over the years, and all the colleagues she has mentored and nurtured, and all the members of the community she has supported through difficult times.

Because they would all want to honour her, and it would give me huge comfort to see how many people’s lives she touched.

She just shrugged and said ‘fine, if you want. I don’t care.’ 🤣

On an individual basis I wouldn't judge anyone for not wanting to go to any specific funeral for whatever reason. However, doing what you're doing, and making a unilateral decision never to go to one again is a bit odd, yes.

Particularly when you're saying "'it's not about not wanting to be upset."
What is it then? Why have you decided not to go if it isn't about feeling you'll be upset?

Chances are at some point in the next few decades someone close to you will lose someone close to them, and would appreciate your support at the funeral. Yes, the deceased don't know to care, but their friends and family do. If everyone thought like you nobody would have funerals, and lots of people really find them helpful as part of the grieving process - otherwise they wouldn't have them. Think of the funerals you went to - if they'd been almost completely empty other than you and one or two very close family members, wouldn't you have found that a bit upsetting for your deceased relative/friend?

To not go just because you feel like you've done a few recently and, basically, cba, (as you haven't actually given any other reason), is a bit selfish, yes.

I’m also Irish and yes I absolutely would judge you.

Im also Scottish and I agree with this. If you are grieving yourself ( or like the poor PP who has lost two of her children ) then people undertand why you cant go.

Most people who are bereaved themselves made a big effort to suport the family in other ways, such as meals and visits.

So ifs not because you find them too upsetting, what exactly is your aversion to going? @AtlanticStar

Yes absolutely. I have some preferences for if I have a funeral, but have always been clear it’s for those left behind and no one in my family has to attend or arrange it if they don’t want to.