To not go to funerals

My husband feels the exact same way thankfully and my children who are in their teens and older all know how I feel too. If my husband felt strongly that he wanted a large funeral with all the bells and whistles i would of course honour that but I would be extremely uncomfortable with it

You obviously won't remember everyone if there were a lot of people. I would absolutely have noticed someone very close not attending my mum's funeral though. She died young (40s) so there were a lot of people thank goodness. Is have been devastated otherwise. And no I didn't shake hands with them all.

It's probably an optional extra but I've seen a fair few.

I've been to at least 25 funerals and never seen a guest book

You don't remember and funeral directors know it. This is why they have a guest book for people to sign. I've even heard them request at a funeral that people sign the guest book "because the family won't remember who attended, so it is helpful for them to be able to look back."

Have you spoken to your children about this? Maybe they feel differently, and perhaps you could be curious about their thoughts with dramatically sharing your own.

How about your husband, does he have wider family, friends, work colleagues who perhaps he thinks should get the opportunity to show respect. Would you be interested in finding out his wishes so you could honour them?

People go to show their respects and to support the bereaved but you don’t have to. Personally I think people should go where they can:

www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

A relative told me that she didn’t like funerals and would not be attending my Mum’s. It felt like avoiding discomfort was more important than my feelings and I found this very hurtful. I was grateful to everyone who came and honoured my Mum and found it comforting.

I can't imagine not going to a funeral of a friend or relative. That's just me. If you can't face it, you can't face it.

If god forbid my husband died in the morning it would be immediate family only . I recoile in horror at the thought of being expected to stand and shake hands and converse with a large group of people at such a devastating time . I would refuse to put my children though it also and I can whole heartily tell you that I simply would not have a clue as to who attended the service or not . I certainly would never hold a grudge against someone for life if they didnt turn up to a funeral it wouldnt even register in my mind. Do people really have that presence of mind to take notes of who attended and who didnt ?! Surely in the throes of grief you wouldn't even notice.

Historically, I am sure that the tradition was based on the then-pertaining general misogyny and sexism in terms of the roles if men and women.

Those - now all very elderly, as far as I know - who retain those traditions, do not do so through continued misogyny or sexism. My father does not forbid my mother from attending funerals, nor ask her to serve tea, nor does any male member of their community. In fact, they no longer live in that community- nor did my grandparents after they married - and where they now live finds her adherence to traditions they do not share somewhat quaint.

It is like her religious faith - also deep-felt, practical, quiet, with traditions.

I would judge if the reason was you’d find it upsetting or just don’t want to go, I’m sure the deceased family are a lot more upset than you.

As someone who currently just can't attend funerals:

I think it is wrong to decide not to go without good reason, or just because it makes you uncomfortable. You go to show the family you care and support. You put your own feelings aside to do that.

That said, I haven't been able to go near a funeral for years. Luckily, I haven't had one I've really had to go to. I can't go near one without a panic attack due to PTSD. My own father has told me that I shouldn't go to his funeral if I can't and is totally understanding.

I do have diazepam in the house in case I ever need to go to a funeral, so I'm going to try. I don't know if I can though. Maybe if I get the panic out of the way before the funeral I'll be better at it if I take medication. I do explain to the bereaved with an apology why I can't go and support in other ways.

I have instructed my family not to give me a funeral to spare them having to go through it.

I'm not joking - just typing this puts tears in my eyes.

For me, I think it's fine to not go to a funeral, even though I'm going to try with medication when I really should go. Before this, I went to every funeral because it's the right thing to do.

Thank you very much for your clear and honest answer.

It is if the males insist the woman stays at home and doesn’t work as you have stated happened with funerals.

How is the blokes sitting on their arses in a church while the women run all around making tea and cakes fair division of labour? You are just being silly now. I’ve lived in Wales which is why I knew straight away it must be people from the valleys as while generally lovely people they are about 100 years behind the rest of the UK.
If this tradition was so fair and great then you would have followed it instead of attending your grandfathers funeral.

The funeral tea is NOT the private sphere! Have you ever been to one?!

Is being a SAHM pure misogyny? Or a recognition of the equal importance of child-rearing and earning money?

No, I'd remind them that I don't attend funerals, which they'd likely know about in any case if they had known me for any length of time, and not attend. There is no need at this juncture to go into the particulars of why I don't attend funerals. I still support people I am friendly with in other ways, health-related appointments, dealing with officialdom, finances, practical things like moving home, decorating etc, this is just the one thing where, if they need support, they are going to have to look elsewhere.

If that is problematic for them to the point whereby they'd end the relationship, then that's entirely up to them and I'd accept that without question, but I still stand by the contention that worthwhile friends respect each other's opinions and boundaries and wouldn't never ask you to disregard them in the first place.

An absolute no is an absolute no, it isn't a "no, but maybe if you asked nicely, and because it's you...".

If that somehow makes me inadequate or unworthy as a friend, or implies that perhaps my friendships aren't as close or intimate as other people's typically are, then I'm absolutely ok with that. Friendships have to suit both parties, and perhaps I do keep people more at "arms length" than is typical, but there are no laws that mandate friendships need to operate on certain understandings, or that anyone who asks anything of you is to be entertained without caveat simply because they are considered a friend.

There are a whole host of things a friend could ask me to do and I'd oblige them willingly, but going to a funeral is not on that list.

Because one is the public sphere and one is the private. And because women were not allowed to attend the funeral so not allowed to be part of the public event. They were confined to the domestic sphere as has been the way of repressing women for the vast majority of history. If your mother chose to give up an academic career to wait on her family it is surprising but was her choice. You are quite clear that a women who wanted to attend the funeral would not be allowed to or would have to seek special permission. Feel free to defend these outdated social practices but don’t try to disingenuously suggest they are based on anything but pure misogyny.

It is only if you ascribe specific importance to ‘the funeral’ that you see the division if roles as sexist, surely? If you see the different ‘parts of the process of celebrating and mourning the deceased and supporting the bereaved ‘ as of equal value, it’s division of labour.

Is it sexist that men were not allowed to
help with the tea? Why do you see the tea as lesser?

I always think the way to see if something is sexist (or any other ist) is to replace the person affected by another protected characteristic. Would you be so happy to imply it is different and not lesser if for example black people or disabled people were not allowed to attend the funeral and had to stay home and make the tea?

It depends whether you see long-term, quiet support for the ill, the deceased and the bereaved as being less or more ‘important / valuable’ than attending a church service?

Even in terms of the provision and service of and welcome to ‘the funeral tea’, many here have spoken of the comfort of speaking to the bereaved and fellow mourners, sharing stories of the dead, the rekindling of family ties etc. Where does that happen? Not in chapel.

I am not saying that I believe the tradition to be worthy of maintaining into the future. I am just saying that because an activity is different, it is not necessarily lesser. Any more than because my mother chose to stay at home with children and saw her family of as equal value to her Oxford degree and teaching roles she is of lesser value than my father who had a more conventional career.

genuine non- snarky question then. And I promise I will leave you alone after that.
So if a close friend said to you ‘I’d really like you to come to my husband’s funeral I need the support’ would you just say ‘No, I find them pointless’ and not attend?