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Original poster

Toxic Mother Strikes again. Continued…..

36 replies

Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 12:40

posted a few weeks ago but the saga continues. To recap

I have managed my elderly DMs difficult, controlling, manipulative behaviour for years. It comes in waves over the years and depends upon whether or not I am meeting her needs.

She wanted a parcel taking to the post office. I agreed to drop it when parking is better. Several IMPORTANT messages later and she had changed the drop location where I because I said the parking was bad. Several urgent message later all very confusing, I finally asked her what she wanted me to do as I was confused. I said it was getting f**ing ridiculous. I had just had enough of it all!
Bad move I guess! She demanded an apology, said I was making a drama out of it, said I had no respect for her and that she would never ask me to do anything for her again. She then gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks. It wasn’t about the parcel for me, it was the overwhelming pressure of being so enmeshed for so long and it got to a tipping point.

My DD is 14 soon. I finally got a message from DM 2 weeks after not speaking to tell me she is giving her money for her birthday.
She texted DD asking if she is going away as she knew we were thinking about it. She stated that “just because we are not amicable doesn’t mean it needs to be inflicted on my DD. I missed hearing about her recent trip with school”
For context, DM was invited to my home when my DD came back from the trip . This was just after the parcel debacle and I decided it may be best if we go to her as I knew she was unhappy with me. I suggested this and that’s when she kicked off and went silent.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 31/08/2025 14:33

Give her her stuff back and disengage entirely. I'd personally block her on my phone, or at least mute it so you don't have to see messages. I don't feel you are getting anything from this relationship, If you can't read her messages then she can't manipulate you. Just step back.

Lotsofsnacks · 31/08/2025 14:11

Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 13:58

@Lotsofsnacks he lives 3 hours drive from her. He calls her daily and visits about twice a year. Unfortunately, I don’t have a relationship with him as he is just the same as DM.

He could do more I feel as he doesn’t work, has no children and drives but it is what it is I guess and maybe he chooses this way because of what she is like?

You mentioned her changing next of kin; does she say things like; if you don’t look after her she’ll take you off her will etc? Are you currently down as her best of kin, or is this just empty manipulative talk from her?

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 13:58

@Lotsofsnacks he lives 3 hours drive from her. He calls her daily and visits about twice a year. Unfortunately, I don’t have a relationship with him as he is just the same as DM.

He could do more I feel as he doesn’t work, has no children and drives but it is what it is I guess and maybe he chooses this way because of what she is like?

OP posts:
Lotsofsnacks · 31/08/2025 13:52

Can’t DB take over the reins for a bit, does he do his bit?

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 13:41

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld I agree so have already decided to do that. I don’t want to be responsible for her personal documents. Especially as I now realise this is also being used as a manipulation tool!

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/08/2025 13:21

@Peterpickedapickled for goodness sake!! give her all her stuff back and let her sort her life out herself!! you have enough to do sorting out your family!! some parents are not worth the effort!!

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 13:11

@Cerialkiller I have applied to Mind for some counselling.

It’s been 6 weeks of absolute hell to be honest. I am really struggling every time she contacts me. When she doesn’t and it’s silent, I start to feel better then it happens all over again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 13:07

@Bababear987 I have wrote it. This is an update….

So I decided to take the advice, do some research into FOG, difficult behaviour, read some books etc.

She has started texting me again, almost daily but the messages are so manipulative and weird.

Started as “we could both apologise and get back to normal, the choice is yours” So I communicated my boundary and told her I would not be doing that so she replied “At least I know where I stand but don’t you forget that you made this choice”. Then she texted to ask if I had received a birthday card. I replied but kept it short and sweet.

Because I wasn’t engaging, she sent another text about her funeral plan (I helped sort this and she insisted I kept the documents at my home). She wanted me to send her the documents - why?, because she did not wish to be dead in her home for weeks before anyone knew and that’s what would happen because I am not speaking to her so she wants to change the next of kin. It’s a load of bull anyway and DB calls her daily. Just all to get what she wants from me. I ignored her.

She then sends a message saying it’s nearly killing her this falling out so she is apologising for causing me any upset. I replied but again remained unemotional and to the point.

She then tried calling me last night, it was late and I was in bed. I ignored it. She messaged today saying she didn’t mean to call but is surprised that I didn’t call her straight back as I would normally be worried. She said she feels I am being aloof and that we can’t move forward unless I am willing to be honest with her.

So the reason for my update is that I am trying very hard to deal with her behaviour. I am struggling! I am upset again, wondering if I am doing the right thing. I just know I don’t want to continue the relationship as it was. Is this normal to get this sort of push back?

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 31/08/2025 12:55

Your title is your answer.

Toxic mother strikes again... because you're letting her. You're allowing it.

@Cerialkiller says it all...

Cerialkiller · 31/08/2025 12:52

If NC isn't an option (its always and option) then could you practice a kind of minimal grey rock techniques? It sounds like you are getting way way too involved and the back and forth is what is making it stressful.

If she makes a request of you the answer is either yes or no. If your answer is 'yes but' like, 'yes but I can only do it on saturday' then she can say yes or no. Anything else you can just say, sorry I can't manage that. Repeat repeat.

Practice in your head - nice and breezy and low conflict.
No that doesn't work for me
Sorry you feel that way
I have to go now see you on friday
Sorry you'll have to sort that yourself
I can't manage that now
Etc etc

Don't try to solve her problems for her. Don't negotiate, don't argue, if it gets heated just tell her to call you back when she's calmed down/made a decision.

You are her only option by the sound of it and she is only punishing herself by avoiding contact.

Ask yourself how you felt during the two weeks of NC. Were you guilt ridden? Why? she's the one who decided not to contact you. Wouldn't it be nice to just be able to enjoy the quiet?

Have you considered therapy to explore why you are so emotionally entangled with your mother?

Bababear987 · 31/08/2025 12:51

OP I'm sure you've written practically this same post before.

Why are you still indulging her?

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