Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toxic Mother Strikes again. Continued…..

36 replies

Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 12:40

posted a few weeks ago but the saga continues. To recap

I have managed my elderly DMs difficult, controlling, manipulative behaviour for years. It comes in waves over the years and depends upon whether or not I am meeting her needs.

She wanted a parcel taking to the post office. I agreed to drop it when parking is better. Several IMPORTANT messages later and she had changed the drop location where I because I said the parking was bad. Several urgent message later all very confusing, I finally asked her what she wanted me to do as I was confused. I said it was getting f**ing ridiculous. I had just had enough of it all!
Bad move I guess! She demanded an apology, said I was making a drama out of it, said I had no respect for her and that she would never ask me to do anything for her again. She then gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks. It wasn’t about the parcel for me, it was the overwhelming pressure of being so enmeshed for so long and it got to a tipping point.

My DD is 14 soon. I finally got a message from DM 2 weeks after not speaking to tell me she is giving her money for her birthday.
She texted DD asking if she is going away as she knew we were thinking about it. She stated that “just because we are not amicable doesn’t mean it needs to be inflicted on my DD. I missed hearing about her recent trip with school”
For context, DM was invited to my home when my DD came back from the trip . This was just after the parcel debacle and I decided it may be best if we go to her as I knew she was unhappy with me. I suggested this and that’s when she kicked off and went silent.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Wolfiefan · 01/09/2025 09:52

So you step away from the people telling you that you’re selfish and cruel as well.

Gobygently · 31/08/2025 20:32

Forget what people expect of you. Until you’ve been in this position, it’s difficult to comprehend.

BettyBobble · 31/08/2025 19:04

No is a complete sentence

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 18:12

@Gobygently thanks for the advice. Funny isn’t it that it’s so frowned upon if you are a daughter that has had to take the decision not to have contact with your mother. Suddenly you are selfish and cruel because you dare to turn your back on a defenceless old lady. The amount of times I have heard “do it because she is your mother and you owe it to her”! It’s so hard to navigate through because of the norms placed on you to care for her unconditionally. It really makes you feel like you are going mad.

@Finetoday she sounds just like my DM. Why do we put ourselves through it? My DM has always suffered with low self esteem and low confidence. She has always been very anxious. Her Dad died suddenly when she was 5 and her mum was a very cold and unforgiving person. I often wonder if this is where it started. DM if need any support x

OP posts:
Gobygently · 31/08/2025 16:17

My parent was intelligent, unbelievably controlling (and had been spoilt I learned post mortem).
Yours is pushing away help and friendship. She has to realise only she can solve her problems. Not you. Be unavailable to save your sanity.

SpiritVaults72 · 31/08/2025 16:14

@Peterpickedapickled that is soooo kind, I will, because you will understand ❤

Finetoday · 31/08/2025 16:00

Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 15:08

@Finetoday what did you do to make her unhappy?

I literally do nothing to set her off - I tread on eggshells around her as I know how difficult she can be. I’ve had periods of LC and it enrages her. I’ve had up to 3 months NC with her and it’s awful, she keeps turning up at my door upsetting us all and plays the victim.

She ignored me all last week because she was half an hour late for lift I was giving her ! She was rude and obnoxious all day, no apology or reason for lateness (long history of not remotely caring about my time), then asked for another lift 2 days later for a friends bbq - I said I’d just see her there as I really didn’t want her making me late again, nor be trapped in a car with her, so she berated me, and ignored me all week.

It’s a regular thing and more so as she’s gotten older.
There doesn’t have to be any reason for their behaviour- it’s just in them.
No one would believe the way she is with me, the names she calls me, she bends over backwards for strangers. It’s so weird.

Gobygently · 31/08/2025 15:55

Oh, yes, the parent who finds something wrong with everyone around them. You’re fighting the world I used to say. Nothing I did was right or enough.
At one point it became absolutely unbearable so I went NC for three months. My MiL chewed my ear off about it but I wouldn’t relent. I couldn’t stand it any longer. Demands and expectations were modified when we reconnected or I’d have carried on.
She needs to stand on her own two feet and leave you time to live. Have a break from her.

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 15:52

@SpiritVaults72 shit, that’s the first boundary gone! 🤣🤣

DM me if it ever gets too much 💯

OP posts:
SpiritVaults72 · 31/08/2025 15:47

@Peterpickedapickled sorry for blank message! Thanks so much,honey, and just remember your husband and child(ren) are your first priority. I'm a single gal. One boundary, yes! I'd better go,the Big M is on the phone😅xx

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 15:44

@Gobygently I completely agree with you. I know she is lonely, scared of old age and feels like she has out lived her usefulness. But it’s not just this. We all have times in life where we know we must change, take that step even though it’s scary.

My DM doesn’t think anything is wrong with her behaviour. I have suggested to her that she would benefit from meeting people. She doesn’t want to. She has had people reach out and visit etc. She turns them away because they aren’t exactly the same as her. There is always something wrong with them. She talks negatively about everyone. She suffers with anxiety so I went to the GP with her and she was offered CBT. I supported her but she only went once because he was a useless counsellor.

You see, she doesn’t want to change because if she did, she would no longer need me. I would be able to step away and live my life and that is not what she wants

I wish it were easy but I am not dealing with lonely little old lady. I am dealing with an intelligent, controlling narc!

OP posts:
SpiritVaults72 · 31/08/2025 15:44

@Peterpickedapickled

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 15:35

@SpiritVaults72 oh my life 🤣🤣🤣🤪

We have the same Mother!!

My DM wants me to cut her toe nails so she doesn’t have to have a stranger come to her house. I refused because I would have done it wrong or hurt her. She made me pay for weeks!

She even managed to fall out with me and my hubby at our wedding!

Now she is wondering why I didn’t return the late night all as “you are usually worried about me”!

Why don’t we agree to set 1 new boundary and stick by it? Then we can hold each other accountable 🤣

In all seriousness, I am so very sorry that you have to live with this too. I understand so well the mental and physical anguish it creates. It doesn’t just affect me. You say I sound like a good daughter and you are right. But, I feel like a terrible wife and mother at times because this leaks out like a poisonous substance and impacts my family. My DH said yesterday that he gets upset and angry because he sees me so hurt and upset.

Strength to you ❤️

OP posts:
Gobygently · 31/08/2025 15:28

I’m not familiar with your previous post but underneath her unreasonable behaviour she gives me the impression she’s lonely and in need of attention. I’m not excusing her and have worn the awful scratchy t shirt you now have. The number of letters I wrote to agony aunts then tore up. Frustration became my middle name…for years.
She’d have less time to bother you if she engaged with others, went for a natter in the local craft group (where she wouldn’t be expected to craft). Her peers will discuss how they’re dealing with parcels for the post office, that postmen can collect parcels from doorsteps, NOK, funeral plans, internet shopping, family, all which she experiences. I know you said she has bad hands and can’t feel she’s pressing keys on her phone but she can still talk, chat, engage, learn. She could visit lonely people in hospital, volunteer, help run the hospital shop. Atm she has too much time and would benefit from an external source to raise her self-confidence.
I may appear to simplify but I can now see the wood for the trees. When you’re going through this all you can see is every detailed machination. This is going to sound awful but I’ll be candid. A dear friend, in the same situation, said it would be more tolerable if you knew how long it was going to last.
Once my widowed parent was occupied and expanded horizons life became easier for me. I do sympathise with you. It’s emotionally and physically draining, isn’t it?

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 15:22

@toomuchfaff thanks, I have just done this now x

OP posts:
SpiritVaults72 · 31/08/2025 15:21

@Peterpickedapickled aw,you sound a wonderful daughter,and the problem is, the more you give,the more she expects! My issue was,mine never worked and visited her mum daily. That's always been her bugbear, because I don't.........however, after my dad died last year I knew I'd have to make massive efforts or I'd be the bad guy. I sorted out everything pertaining to my dad's death,funeral and all her paperwork,and decorated two rooms of her house. I don't have children. But me saying I've set boundaries.....I packed my job in after cashing in an old pension, mainly because I hated it and also because looking after was becoming overwhelming. I walk around my house with my landline phone attached to me in case she calls- she kicks off if I don't answer. Maybe I haven't really set boundaries! I refused to pluck out her chin hairs on Thursday (😫😅) and was told it was time I grew up😂😂😂because I'd have worse to do?!?! I'd say,keep on doing what you're doing because it IS a form of abuse and can leave you almost with PTSD. Just set gentle boundaries and remember she needs you more than you need her. But walking away, I know, is not an option. I'll leave you with a 'funny'.....I once started WW3 because I mentioned her false teeth were clicking. I received a 23 page letter berating me, ending with " your dad has had to buy me some new teeth!" 🤣🤣 I think maybe they should be introduced,ha ha! X

toomuchfaff · 31/08/2025 15:14

Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 14:40

@Lotsofsnacks thanks for commenting.

Its threats caused to manipulate because she doesn’t have a Will, she has no money except what I have given to help her.

It isn’t a next of kin. She has a funeral plan that names me as the person to contact when she dies. I was named in my Dads plan as I am his only child (my brother is my half sibling as he has a different Dad). So it’s just my name on a policy so I can call them to make arrangements. She can have up to 4 but only has me down.

It’s all to exercise control and make me feel guilty. Thats why she often calls and hangs up at all hours and then says it’s her bad hands and she can’t feel she is pressing the keys. That’s not untrue but she must be continually looking at my WhatsApp messages over and over because if she wasn’t on it, she would be accidentally doing anything! These calls are in the middle of the night and happen often. That’s and the continuous messaging I have daily. She sends me long messages asking me to make decisions on everything like what furnishings she should get, what presents she should buy. She never gives me a minute. If I don’t answer or I say I won’t make her decisions for her, that’s when the manipulation, guilt tripping and general nasty stuff happens!

put you phone to silent for the evening hours.

Mine goes to silent automatically every night after 10pm til8am.

You cant control her actions. but you can control your reaction.

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 15:08

@Finetoday what did you do to make her unhappy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 15:06

@Finetoday yep, it might be a different scenario but the intention is just the same.

I think she is slightly better than she was years ago but it’s because I stepped back. I obviously need to step back more and wouldn’t be surprised if I end up NC or she dies and that’s the end. I know that sounds callous but it’s the truth.

OP posts:
Finetoday · 31/08/2025 15:03

She sounds like my mother I’m sorry to say 😟

Mine had a DBS done as she regularly drops in to my house and we foster - she demanded her DBS back and said she was not helping me foster in future - she NEVER helped me with any foster child, or indeed my own child. She was livid and threatening to phone my Foster agent to tell them how bad I am 🙈

I feel for you OP - why can’t we take the advice and tell them to F* Off and really mean it 😭

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 15:01

@SpiritVaults72 that’s the thing, I find no one really understands. The advice to block her, walk away is just so, so difficult. My GP once asked me (when I had gone to then about anxiety and how I felt like it was because of Mum) did I ever consider that I am suffering emotional abuse. No!!!!, I said. But they typed it on my records and I found it recently. Now I think maybe it is?

It’s so ingrained in our relationship. It weaves itself in and out of every interaction. It starts subtly and unconsciously but now I see it clearly. Even now I think about something she did or said and I realise, for the first time, she was controlling me.

She often says that she isn’t being “looked after” by me or that I don’t have a bed in the spare room so she can move in when she needs looking after. She says she is moving into a care home near my DB because I would only visit once a month. She knows I visited my DF daily but that’s because I knew he was dying. The hurtful comments are just noise now.

This is the first time I have meant business! No more of this crap. Problem is, I don’t always know what to do or say. It’s a learning curve. I have limited contact but she is pushing back hard. It’s difficult not to cave in.

OP posts:
SpiritVaults72 · 31/08/2025 14:51

@Peterpickedapickled it's almost like you're living my life. Well, she sounds EXACTLY like my mum. Things have been much better since 2008 when I started setting boundaries,and it sounds like you've started doing this too. It's difficult and enormously upsetting,so you have my deepest sympathy. I don't think anyone who hasn't been in this situ understands how gut-wrenching it can be. Best of luck.

Wolfiefan · 31/08/2025 14:50

Frankly I would block her or change my number. You can’t change her behaviour.

Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 14:49

@Hatty65 Thanks. I have stepped back this time. Over the years, I have changed the way I deal with her. I know it doesn’t sound like it but I have. I gave her some money recently to help her stay independent at home and to make her home more comfortable. That’s where I went wrong. She doesn’t drive so I had to get involved, taking her for new furniture etc. Then she wanted me to decorate and make all the decisions. I felt like I had too because I had given her the money. It didn’t just stop there and before I knew it, I was doing everything and all the emotional stuff for her.

It spiralled and I was back, heavily involved and enmeshed and exhausted emotionally again.

The money I gave her was from my inheritance when my DF passed. They were divorced. I have her the money for 2 reasons, 1 because I knew she would not be pleased if I didn’t and 2 because I stupidly though if she used it to help her in her home (buying equipment like a walking frame etc when she needed it) it would be a benefit to me! I was so wrong! She had me do all the work physically and emotionally and guess what! She hasn’t spent a penny of it.

Thats really where the outburst came from, not about a parcel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peterpickedapickled · 31/08/2025 14:40

@Lotsofsnacks thanks for commenting.

Its threats caused to manipulate because she doesn’t have a Will, she has no money except what I have given to help her.

It isn’t a next of kin. She has a funeral plan that names me as the person to contact when she dies. I was named in my Dads plan as I am his only child (my brother is my half sibling as he has a different Dad). So it’s just my name on a policy so I can call them to make arrangements. She can have up to 4 but only has me down.

It’s all to exercise control and make me feel guilty. Thats why she often calls and hangs up at all hours and then says it’s her bad hands and she can’t feel she is pressing the keys. That’s not untrue but she must be continually looking at my WhatsApp messages over and over because if she wasn’t on it, she would be accidentally doing anything! These calls are in the middle of the night and happen often. That’s and the continuous messaging I have daily. She sends me long messages asking me to make decisions on everything like what furnishings she should get, what presents she should buy. She never gives me a minute. If I don’t answer or I say I won’t make her decisions for her, that’s when the manipulation, guilt tripping and general nasty stuff happens!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread