Lack of bereavement support .

I agree with others, it used to be that polite conversation didn't involve sex, religion or politics but know I think the only real taboo is death.

Grieving is so individual, people don't want to offend. I was reading about a woman grieving her husband (40s accident) and she listed things not to say. She particularly hated people who said 'Tell me if you need anything?' because she said she didn't know what she needed and it was said to make them feel better not her. And 'Please accept my condolences' because it was generic, box ticking and didn't mean anything.

It's not that people don't care, I thinks it's more that people don't know how to act or what to say.

They would be afraid of a miss-step, they're not counsellors, they don''t want to have to deal with your pain as they have their own lives and sorrows, they find the subject distressing - there are lots of reasons.

Work colleagues don't owe you anything, they just want to get on with their job. Sometimes people do make the mistake of thinking work colleagues are their friends, but it's rarely the case.

Friends should send a sympathetic message and ask if there is anything they can do.

Have you tried contacting CRUSE OP? (Sorry if this has already been suggested, not read the full thread).

I'm sorry. When my sibling died I found similar from people, yet when my parents died some of the same people were amazingly supportive and compassionate. I felt disappointed and hurt too by people's reactions in the aftermath of my sibling's death.

I've heard other people say similar about sibling bereavement - that people just seem unable to understand it or expect you not to be grieving.

The bereavement board on here is a supportive place. Marie Curie also offer a telephone bereavement support service - it's not counselling, but it might give you a space to talk and feel supported, especially as you're not able to access counselling yet. www.mariecurie.org.uk/services/bereavement-support-service

I took what I needed and was fine. However the junior took more than was allowed in policy, but I had seniors who buckled and let them. This left us underfunded and too short-staffed to be able to support other staff who were having difficulties. I would have given them the time off, but limited the paid time to the actual policy limits (two days bereavement and whatever annual leave they had left). They would have then had to negotiate unpaid leave or gone off sick, which would have left us properly resourced.

@Crosorbled I am very sorry for the loss of your sister.

💐

My sister died suddenly too.

Am here if you ever want to PM.

I tried counselling, but was told it should not take place until 6- 12 months after bereavement.

I have a friend who works as a bereavement counsellor and I know that is the approach her organisation take. The rationale as she described it is that grief is a normal and natural process and as such, it's a normal and perhaps even necessary stage of grieving to feel utterly shit for weeks/months after a death. They would only take referrals where a person is in crisis.

I'm sorry your colleagues and friends weren't sympathetic or even vaguely solicitous. I lost a close family member in quite traumatic circumstances nearly a decade ago and didn't have really have anyone checking in with me after the funeral. I'm not sure how I would have felt about people raising the matter in a work related setting. For me, work was a bit of an escape and I was glad to have somewhere I could go and not talk/think about it.

What you’re describing is hurtful. I’m sorry that you’ve had that experience with friends and colleagues. It’s particularly poor from friends.

Well in the nicest way possible no you chose to do that, you could have been off as well? Is that what you needed, more time off? Perhaps one to explore, why you did that and how that’s showing as resentment.

A lot of people have not experienced much death and and I think they honestly feel awkward about mentioning it.

I lost my mum at 16 and my brother at 21 so I know how valued contact and expressions of sympatht are. I always send bereaved friends a message and a card and offer practical help if needed.

People tend to shy away from death, it's an uncomfortable subject for many.
Having experienced several devastating losses, deaths, l tend to say to people" It must be very difficult for you, and I'm here if ever you want to talk"
I also make a point of keeping in touch because l can remember how alone l felt in my grief.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I also found bereavement forums, podcasts and books helpful.

What do you want them to do op?

I think a lot of people don't know what to do and I remember a spate of clickbait type articles on "what not to say to people who...." which I think made people feel even less confident talking to people in such situations. It's better for people to try to help even if they miss the mark.

I lost so many friends when my husband died. Looking back I was unable to be a good friend to others at the time so that may have played a part. But it still felt absolutely brutal. One friend who completely cut me out of her life was my bridesmaid and it still hurts 7 years after my husband's death.

The support I received from friends, family and colleagues when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and then died very quickly, was overwhelming. I'm sorry you haven't experienced the same and I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️.

I did find bereavement counselling helpful and it was through the local cancer charity.

How we respond to a bereavement is such a personal thing. I really don’t think it’s a case of colleagues not caring, they just won’t know what to say to be helpful. Because some people don’t want to discuss it at work, they may want to take the lead from you to avoid overstepping boundaries.
Sone people return to work for the normality and structure. So discussing a bereavement can be counterproductive.
It’s also your workplace so not really the place for detailed conversations (I mean this in the kindest way). Try and be explicit about what you need and your friends should be the ones who you turn to for more support.
Also bereavement counselling is always from 6-12 months. You have to process the initial emotions first before you’re ready to open up and move forward. If you want to talk more, Samaritans are always a good and confidential option.

I came into work while waiting for my elderly parent to die. I organised their death plan, and we had a sibling rota. We all gathered for the last moments. The death happened to be on my day off. A much younger report's grandfather had died. They took a whole month off. I had to chase up cover for them and organise continuity, while dealing with funeral arrangements.

My bereavement, counselling, started six months after the death of my partner.
I do feel this was probably helpful as my emotions had settled quite a bit and I was able to think about moving.

What do you want them to do? Everyone is different so you have to communicate to people what they can do to support you because another person would think it wasn’t appropriate for them. Always best to let the bereaved person take the lead. A friend has just lost their spouse and he wants contact from friends but also to talk about other things to distract him, this isn’t another person’s choice

My mother has recently died and I’ve just been completely amazed at the number of reasonably close friends who haven’t messaged or said anything to me about it all (they all know). Equally I’ve had some absolutely wonderful letters from people who have surprised me.

I just cannot imagine expressing my sorrow to someone I know who has sugceeed a bereavement.

I think grief is such a personal thing that support is very much an individual thing that needs to be tailored to the person.

DH just lost his mother and I’ve noticed how differently his siblings are grieving.

With one of them there are very precise unwritten rules around how everyone needs to behave around grieving and how everyone needs to behave towards her and how everyone must grieve in a certain specific “right” way including her siblings - they are not getting it right for her at all and that causes a lot of arguments, friction and distance with her. She genuinely does not seem to realise that her grieving siblings do not have the emotional capacity to meet these very prescriptive ways of being, it is very isolating for her.

Another sibling is very clear on her process, has a good understanding that it is unique/separate process and seeks support by being very clear on what she needs and then is discussing how she is feeling and asking for time to meet up and speak about it, she is also respectful of a need to be flexible around when that time can be and if it needs to be shifted around because people have their own stuff going on.

DH for the first time ever in his family dynamic ls does not have the emotional capacity to step in to save his siblings from how they are feeling which is a long standing family dynamic set up in their family that he never sought out. During this very sad time and he has found himself needing to pull back a bit to process his own grief.

From time to time he needs to sit looking at photos and memories of his mother and sit with the grief and at other times he needs to step out of the grief and do normal family activities.

It is incredibly difficult for outsiders to know what support a person needs unless they are asking for that support themselves as grief is unique and even if a person is clear that doesn’t mean that it is possible to give them the level of support they need.

Sometimes that has to come from professionals who are more able to meet a person where they are at.

These are all examples of employer support it's perfectly reasonable to expect:

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/money-and-work-after-a-bereavement/employer-bereavement-support/

Because in England we are rubbish at talking about death! (speak from experience- DH)
People will say nothing or say the wrong thing
But I would agree that at work it’s a bit more difficult- I wouldn’t have expected my colleagues to offer a lot of support- in fact the best thing they could have done is be ‘normal’ with me

I think everyone needs something different, which makes it hard. For me, I didn’t want people to bring my loss up at work. I just needed to get on.