Lack of bereavement support .

I never ask people how they are doing following a bereavement. It's kind of a stupid question. I do ask how they are going with everything they've been dealing with lately. I just feel stupid asking, "How are you>" Well, duh, how you do think they are? That's not to say there aren't other ways to ask that are more insightful to their circumstances, but a lot of people don't know how to do that.

Workmates are generally not counsellors and people at work are not our friends.

And even among our friends, many do not have the emotional capacity to counsel someone or hold space for someone who releases traumatic information to them.

So people often do not ask how someone is for that very reason - they cannot deal with it, do not know how to handle it or simply do not want to discuss it and do NOT wish to open the door to the other person discussing their feeelings.

They can have extremely good reasons for not wanting to do this.

It can also just be that they don't know what to say.

I have mental health/counselling training and experience and will always ask someone if they are ok, offer a kind word if they look stressed/down or I have heard they have had bad news - because I know how that my training means I am unlikely to make a massive misstep and I know what resources to search for and how to do it if the person needs more help than my shoulder.

But I always tell other people NOT TO DO THIS if they are not sure they can cope with it.

If a co worker asks how someone is doing and they start to tell them something raw, or real it can quickly become extremely distressing to the person who only wanted to be kind. Shutting down a grief stricken person because you cannot deal with their pain is actually more traumatic to the person than just not asking them anything in the first place.

Not to mention, grief can make people unreasonable and selfish - which is entirely and completely understandable and normal - HOWEVER the person without counselling/grief counselling training might react badly to comments the grieving person makes too.

If in doubt, say nothing is far better than saying the wrong thing or having someone trauma dump on the wrong person.

I do think it is reasonable to expect a "Sorry for your loss" from co workers - but though it is reasonable to expect it, many won't give it anyway and though some are being selfish, many have very good reasons. You do not know what they are going through either.

I should have said this earlier - I am sorry for your loss. Please contact a counsellor to help support you through this enormous loss.

I'm very sorry about your DSis.
Bereavement can be extremely lonely.
Fine and understandable that people may need different things but you'd think that a minimum would be a simple 'Sorry for your loss / sorry about your sister - I'm happy to listen if you would like to talk / how are you coping etc.' This is enough to open the door in case you want to talk, and if you turn out to be the type of person who prefers distraction to emoting, it doesn't lay it on too thick either. I think it's very poor that people can't even manage the bare minimum of expressing condolences.
I had counselling immediately after a bereavement - I absolutely needed to talk while in the depth of the grief. I don't understand having to wait for bereavement counselling. If it would help you, I would seek out another kind of counsellor.

Thank you Crosorbled😌

Some people are selfish and don’t want to potentially offer themselves up to be the ‘shoulder to cry on’ (not that you expect it by the way, I’m speaking from personal experience) - people don’t want to be ‘inconvenienced’ as cruel as that is.

You will get through this, and you’ll remember the lack of support should they ever met with tragedy!

I think it's difficult because people want different kinds of support during the grieving process. Some want to talk about it, others prefer not to have it brought up to avoid the emotions of it. Some people want to offer support but don't want to intrude, others just don't know what to say or do, others distance themselves because of their own losses and how your loss triggers memories of theirs.

There's generally an understanding that bereavement comes with secondary losses, the loss of friendships and people from your life who walk away or prove not to be friends at all. In my experience though, it often brings new people in who prove to be true friends. It can be surprising who falls into which category.

I do think people sending a message to you would have been the least they could do but who knows why they didn't? I usually try not to make assumptions about why people do what they do and just lean into those who have shown they are there.

I'm sorry for your loss.

To be honest my family seemed to be carrying on their own life's, like nothing happened to be honest, 😥

Yes I've struggling every day unable to focus on anything 😥

I think it’s hard because people don’t want to over step or say the wrong thing. Also if people have not experienced certain loss like loss of a parent or child they can not ever understand the impact. And those who have often distance themselves to protect themselves from being engulfed in their own grief

I feel like a part of me was taken away, can't focus on anything like cleaning or looking for work as I'm unemployed, I left my old job to look after my mum 😥

I would love to have someone to talk to, it's nice that you all understand 😥

Thank you. You all for understanding, I never thought it would be this hard, I just wish my family were more understanding 😔

As my username suggests I also lost my sister and it was sudden. She had a stroke, was recovering then ten days later had a second stroke and died. So I completely understand what you have been going through.

And awful as it sounds I think the suddenness does make it different, not worse but definitely different to someone who has seen their elderly grandparent decline over years.

I was really surprised at the people who stepped up and those who didn't, it was an eye-opener.

That said, I had never been through a close bereavement before and had no idea how hard it would hit me. I suddenly had a new understanding of what friends had been though and even apologised to one good friend that I could have been a better friend to her during her bereavements. As she said, you're now in a club that nobody wants to be in, and that meant I suddenly got it.

Again, with siblings I think people really don't get it. This is someone that all of your childhood was with, your memories of them are so integral to your life. My parents must have got about 40 sympathy cards, I got 4 or 5 which included one from my parents' cleaner!

I had some counselling 4 or 5 months later but it wasn't bereavement counselling, more that there were a lot of things going on in life at that time and I was overwhelmed. It's now 18 months later and at the moment I don't feel I need bereavement counselling but wouldn't shut the door on it entirely.

I'm so sorry for your loss, take care of yourself

I am very sorry for your loss OP.
Please phone the Samaritans for support 24/7

And often other people are dealing with their own tragedies and worries and simply do not have the capacity or the training to hold space for other people's grief. Don't expect this from your co workers as they are not your friends.

Expect kind messages and maybe offers of cooked meals from friends, or something similar practically, but if they don't offer it is often just that they do not know what to say or do.

People have a way of thinking they will make things worse if they bring up the death, not realising that the silence is often worse for the grieving person.

And of course it's ok to see a counsellor to discuss how you are feeling right now, of course you don't have to wait six months. Yes, that is often the suggestion, but it's not right for everyone.

I would definitely approach a grief counsellor and say you know it's not 6 months yet but you need support now. A counsellor who does not respond positively and offer you a session where you can at least discuss this after hearing that is not a counsellor you want in your life anyway.

I'm so sorry. I think there are lots of things that your employer could have done to make you feel more supported and less lonely through that period and since your sister died.

People who haven't experienced a situation like that just can't even begin to understand how it affects someone or how traumatic it can be. So some of the non-reaction may also have been people who just didn't get it at all and thought it was like in films where there was some temporary sadness and then jollity and bucket lists.

Some people do want work to continue like nothing has happened and that's their choice, but not everyone is the same and line managers should talk to the person and do what's right for them instead of assuming. There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing or asking for support from work if you're not a "pretend everything is fine" person.

The pain does get easier to carry in time. 💐

I lost my DH suddenly. I could only cope at work by not thinking about it. I had to call someone a few days after and he (he’s met my DH a few times) asked his he was and while I was perfectly all business before he asked I just couldn’t speak and cried when he asked. So I’d rather my colleagues, after initial acknowledgment, just carried in as usual. Friends similar actually. I had a long planned lunch reunion with four of five friends and I told them please do not cancel. I needed something to take my mind off it. I didn’t, at that raw time, want to go over it all. I had small children at the time and could only hold it together in public if the subject was avoided. After a few months I was able to talk about it but certainly didn’t want to talk about it at work.

Sorry you’re going through a rough time. I think it depends what kind of support you need or are hoping for from colleagues. I took a few weeks off after a sudden bereavement, but my CEO, Deputy and two of the SLT had also had similarly sudden losses so were very understanding. When I did go back to work it was full on but I realised it took about 10 months to feel my brain was switched back on. Is it that you’re seeking emotional support from colleagues - which they are unlikely to be able to provide - or understanding of how hard it is to get back into work?

I have a colleague who was widowed young and she made it clear that she didn't want us to mention it at work as she didn't want to get emotional. Work was her "professional space" where she was dealing with people ("customers") who didn't know her personal circumstances and she wanted to keep it that way in order to be able to function. A word from one of us might have tipped her over the edge and led to her "losing it" which she was trying to avoid.
Sorry for your loss.

Broke my heart, thank you for understanding 😊

@ForLilacShaker

I am so sorry for your loss. You can talk about your mum here if you would like to.

💐

My mum died 6 months ago, the first weeks I thought I would cope but after 4 months the emotions got on top of me, I lived with my mum my whole life because she was scared of being on her own, I miss her so much, I'm 49 years old and no children or husband, my family carry on as normal, I feel like they are cold hearted because they never want to talk about how much they miss mum,