DD upset at nursery pickup

Exactly this. I work in daycare and it drives me and the other staff crazy watching a parent dance to the tune of their 3/4/5 year old at pick up time. The other day it took 2 parents around 30 minutes to persuade/cajole/ask nicely their 4 year old as she repeatedly and firmly told them in a matter of fact way 'No' and carried on playing. Would absolutely applaud a parent who takes decisive action instead. I reckon most daycare staff would be cheering you on, not judging.

Plenty of parents have been in the gently body slamming them in to the car seat phase. I keep bubbles in the side of the car door and let mine blow them only when they're buckled in safely.

I ask "do you want to climb in yourself, or do you want me to lift you?" To give a choice. Then if they still resist tell them " I see you're having a hard time making up your mind. We have to be safe in car parks, so I'm going to lift you". Having a little script helps me stay regulated through it, though probably too many words for a toddler.

Janet Lansbury is a great resource for toddler parents I find. Your DC is probably repeating the behaviour because of the reaction, not because she hates going home with you.

You have my sympathies OP. After two reasonably compliant boys (in terms of getting into the car seat) DC3 is a very stubborn and headstrong 3 year old girl.
We endured many horrendous nursery pick ups, with DD screaming, me feeling embarrassed at people witnessing the shenanigans, and overall dreading picking her up from nursery.

I realised she was coming out of nursery very tired, sometimes thirsty, sometimes hungry if she’d not liked the teatime food, and sometimes just trying to assert some control in her little life after a day of complying and playing with others. So even though it’s only a 3 minute drive home from nursery, I always take a drink with me and a little snack that I know she’ll love. If she’s messing about I’ll ask her if she wants said snack and she’ll say yes, so I’ll say let’s get you all strapped in then I’ll grab the snack. Most times now that’s all it takes.

It used to take giving her an iPad or my phone to get her in, so if that’s what you need to do just do it. I don’t need to do that anymore as she’s getting older, so it was a short term fix. But just do whatever works. Her watching a cartoon on the drive home is a much nicer experience all round than her being forced into her seat and you both upset and crying.

This is great advice.

The transition from nursery to car isn’t currently working for either of you so change it up.

I agree with parking out of sight of nursery so you won’t feel watched and it breaks up a routine she thinks she has in her head.

Pick up is a horrible transition to get through for some kids, I think it's called restraint collapse and my son was like that from the start 9 months old and you have to set things up for success for you both.
If you must drive, park round the corner so you can avoid the feelings you have from the audience. Then you can let what time you need to reconnect and hopefully go home unscathed. All without having the staff watching and waiting.
Also it will get better, at 5 years old they will be dragging you out the school gate!

You are absolutely not a bad mother. You're trying your best. You do need to make sure the nursery staff can leave on time though even if that means parking on the street so they can lock up and leave. It won't last forever but you may have yo force her into her seat at times. It doesnt make you a bad mother though

Just to add, mine also went through phases of not wanting to go in, and on more than one occasion the manager used to have to come out to the car park and peel my eldest off the floor by the car and take her in crying and screeching. I used to go to work in tears and pretty much always late for weeks on end it was such a battle! Then obviously they don't want to leave once they are inside 😂
Some kids are just harder. It's a thing. You're doing nothing wrong!

Bribe her with a treaty snack or a drink. Mine were like this too, it's exhausting. Honestly, I resorted to mainly bribery and it worked 😂

You are taking her behaviour personally. It is not learned but it is personal between you two. I agree with a previous poster.

She’s 3. She knows so little. She’s not powerful.

Change the dynamic. Park car five minutes away and walk. Take a buggy. Being her bike. A scooter. What does she enjoy? Try that.

She is a young child overwhelmed by a transition. You are making it personal to you and harder for her as you are fighting it.

When you remove the gaze of the nursery workers - then make it a fun experience.

Ask her to walk backward to the car.

Ask if she can put her car seat on her favorite bunny.

Ask her if she can make a cover for her car seat belt. Make it timed / a race to put it on.

You believe she only has two options - comply or refuse. Change the playing field and she has many many options.

The trick is to parent the child you have, not compare them to others.

This advice is so simple, yet brilliant!

You’re not doing anything wrong!! Yours is just more ‘spirited’ …

I had to do the forcing in approach with both of mine. I had to stick my knee in DS2’s middle to get him strapped into the buggy.

The trick is to parent the child you have, not compare them to others. DS2 was in reins until he was almost 4, long after the rest of his age group, because nursery was on a busy road and he was a runner. He’s now 17 and doesn’t run anywhere …

Try not to get yourself worked up about it. Just tell yourself that she’s going in that seat no matter how much she kicks off, and that’s that.

You're not doing anything wrong and they're not doing anything right.

It's just the luck of the draw.

Who knows, their kids might scream the house down every time their parents try to bath them or brush their teeth.

Your toddler's tantrums are just more public that's all, but it doesn't mean the other kids don't have them too.

But that's great because 5 minutes is 15 minutes less, so that's a huge improvement.

Honestly, the staff will have seen all this before and who knows, their own kids might've been the same.

Absolutely nothing to feel 'shame' about. Your DD is just a toddler, pushing the boundaries and being stubborn.

Maybe ask the staff if one of them will strap her in her seat?

Wait till she's a teenager.

She won't want to walk anywhere and you'll become her personal Mum Uber 😒😁

I don't know what's worse!

Could you put a program she likes on a tablet and attach it the headrest to the seat in front? Just for distraction to get her in the seat.

Or pack a bag of fidget toys/things related to her favourite characters/party bag type toys that she's only allowed to play with when she's sitting nicely in her car seat. You hand her the bag to distract and then strap her in.

Talk her through the rules beforehand. Make a big deal of Mummy's special fun bag that only big girls can play with. If big girls are sitting nicely in their car seat, then they get to see what's inside Mummy's special bag.

Talk about it to her Dad in front of her. Asking him if he wants to see what's inside your special bag? Get him to sound all enthusiastic and then say to him "Hang on! You're not sitting down nicely in your chair, only people sitting nicely get to look in my special bag!"

Get him to sit down, hand him the bag, get him to look inside with lots of exaggerated oooohs and ahhhhs to pique her interest. Then get him to stand up and so you take the bag off him and tell him that he can only have Mummy's special fun bag back when he's sitting down nicely.

Make it clear to her that it's ONLY for the car.

Sounds like she's worn out after a busy day at nursery and she is being difficult because she's tired.

You need to just put her in, some things are non-negotiable!
You can't make the staff wait for 20 minutes to leave work.

Some kids just find the transitions hard, she's probably really tired and she's playing up because she can feel that you're not confident that you're in charge.

Nothing.

And I'm pretty sure you know it's just the terrible twos but we all need reminding at times.

Even the most chilled out toddlers can throw a massive shit storm when they finish nursery, because they're normally exhausted.

It'll pass, I promise.

They were probably thinking we wish other parents would do that rather than plead, beg and bribe. Keep at it and it will get easier.