DD upset at nursery pickup

Mine used to go so stiff I used to "karate chop" them into their seats.
I was in charge.

Honestly, she's probably just tired and from experience, when you feel very anxious about them having feelings, it makes the feelings worse.

It's OK for her to be tired and upset and all over the place after nursery. You don't need to stop her from being upset and angry. Those are totally natural things to feel when you're two and you have no say about anything and adults keep making you sit in plastic chairs with straps on them, when all she wants to do is play. I'd be pretty angry and upset about it too!

I think parking nearby is a really good idea as it will ease the time pressure. It means you can then have a bit of time to reconnect on the walk to the car, before you have to make her do something she doesn't want to do because it's necessary for her safety. Hopefully that will then help alleviate some of the nursery end of day grumps and she might be more amenable to some kind of tactic like letting her choose the song you play in the car, a small snack, a soft toy to hold etc.

I always like what Janet Lansbury says/writes about getting caught up in children's emotions, for example this is helpful: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2021/11/finding-our-best-response-to-childrens-turbulent-emotions/

It’s pretty standard. You’re in charge, no pleading, no bargaining. Make the straps a bit longer before you pick her up, it’ll be way easier to force her in. Then you force her in, end of.

We did bribes. Nursery is fun, the car is not, it's as simple as that at that age. You need to make the car fun. A little chocolate and their favourite song on in the car.

@Winchesterway I don’t think there’s a single parent on here who hasn’t faced a strong-willed child having a tantrum at some point 🫠 it’s brutal!
I get it though, much easier dealt with in your own house than in public when you feel like everyone is judging you.

Is it feasible to park outside of the car park somewhere for the next little while. She’s obviously struggling from the transition from nursery to car. Maybe a 5 minute walk/cycle/scoot to the car could help her move between the 2?

That's parenting though, why would you cry about it?

I guarantee you, 90% of the people looking at you are thinking 'thank fuck it's not just my kids that do that.' You feel like such a shit parent until you realise that everyone else's toddlers do the same and they're feeling like shit about it too.

DC2 was that strong willed child! I feel your pain - having to drag him up the road screaming to collect his brother from school (he refused the pushchair and was heavy!). I felt like the only parent whose child was like that. Fast forward to age 12 and he’s still strong willed but it’s so much easier and he will walk long distances (moaning at times). I just hope his personality will be an asset in later life 🫣

Honestly, it's just pretty normal toddler behaviour and we've all been there and gone through those moments.

It's really hard andd embarrassing at the time but I bet nobody is judging you as it's part and parcel of having a toddler.

This too shall pass...

Oh another one that really works - if I'm trying to get her in the car to go somewhere not nursery, I show her a picture of where we are going on my phone and explain why it'll be fun. She zooms into the car and straps herself in when she WANTS to!!

Mine does this too. I physically struggle to force her in, and we were both getting injured when I tied (heads smacked into car roofs, bruises from the kicking and screaming. Everything i found a new trick to physically push her in, she'd work out a new angle to wriggle and dangle and flop and starfish and stiffen to thwart me. Once in, she wriggles her arms back around the straps, giving herself bruises and grazes because I tighten the things so hard to try to stop her. She will scream and foam at the mouth for 20mins on the way home and tear her hair out after being forced in. I cannot tell you how awful this is and NOTHING else in our lives triggers such violent reactions.

Since we were both getting hurt, I now don't do forcing her in. It is very clear that this is a massive stress / anxiety reaction to the car and separation from people she loves. (She associates it with the separation at nursery, but also relatives she likes leaving after visits.) It all comes out over the car seat.

Things that have helped.

• Turning the car seat forward facing. I know its less safe, but driving with a screaming distracting toddler who doesn't stay in the seat is less safe. Now she can see me driving her home she doesn't feel abandoned in the back. Loosing this source of anxiety has made the biggest difference.

• Inviting her to help me strap her in. Doing a count down to see if she can get in the seat and strap herself in before i get to 10. (Sometimes this is too much pressure when tired and fails.)
• Special extra exciting car toys (though she tends not to want these when tired after a long day)
• getting to choose a nursery rhyme for us to sing together (creates a sense of control)

Your child will be different, but it's all about giving mine a sense of control to help with the anxiety. If that does work, a suprise or shock will help. (Last week it was pouring with rain and she was faffing about, so I took her out of the car to stand in the rain. She was so busy declaring "oh! Wet!" She didn't notice me strap her in, though there was quite a bit of indignant screaming once she realised what was happening...

I keep thinking this phase will pass, but 6 months in and I keep having to come up with new dawn tricks...!! It is NOT a you thing...

Never use bribery, it can't be replicated at school and causes huge temper tantrums when they get there.
Offer 'forced choices', explain what will happen next, stay firm in all areas of life, kids know when you're a pushover and exploit it. Ask nursery for a referral for some parenting support, I haven't met a parent yet that didn't find it valuable.

It is normal and please dont be crying. I know you think your being judged but trust me all the others will not be sweetness and light. My daughter was very spirited when she was little, preschool used to call her tornado. I dreaded kids parties as mine would kick off and cry if it was home time and cause a scene and I wanted the world to swallow me up. It passed. Shes now 14 and an absolute delight as a teenager, kind, considerate and loving. Hopefully she will chill out soon for you.

Could you pick her up on foot?

This is where the phrase terrible twos comes from. Absolutely everything is a reason to have a tantrum. You do just have to be stern and force them in. Tickle of the belly stops them arching their back as they instinctively fold over and gives you a second to force them into the seat.

I've had help from nursery staff to buckle my kids in their pushchair a few times! It's just how kids are at that age. They are particularly tired at that time of the day of course.

Bribing with food did work for us for a while, but I found that it backfires quickly as we then get tantrums when they don't get food every time they get into the car seat/pushchair.

Changing the routine to something they find entertaining worked really well though for the past few months. We live under 20 min walk from nursery but I started taking the bus instead of walking, we have more time to chat and interact, and they love the 5 min bus ride.
There might be something like this you could do?

My DC used to fight the car seat. The seat we had had a way to hook the strap out of the way when the seat was empty which was handy. I used to the put them in the seat and if he arched and wriggled I would tickle them on the tummy or under the arm which relaxed them. I then quickly strapped them in before they realised what was happening.

Yes firmly hold then down and strap in. You are the parent and you don’t need to bargain with her. I also have a 2.5yo who is strong willed. When I raise my voice my dd knows that I’m serious. Your really need to rein it in with her, she will be running rings around you as she grows older. I always pick her up with her snack. So if she doesn’t get in the car seat there isn’t a snack.
She once refused and I warned her twice. When she eventually got in, and asked for her snack I didn’t give it to her. She cried for the 10 minute journey and when we got home I explained that as she didn’t behave she didn’t get her snack.
she has never tried that again. You really need to be firm and be the parent here

Either bribes or force - literally using my knee to pin him into the buggy to strap him in

I bring lollipops which he normally never allowed have or a piece of chocolate or something and that usually works

Oh my goodness please don’t feel ashamed! They all have their moments.

I have a DD similar age. Failing a nice approach I think I’d be pinning her down and strapping her in too.

In a situation like that, I wouldn't even try to cajole or negotiate. Just carry the child, put them in the seat, buckle in and drive.

Mostly likely there may be a screaming/crying fit but it's easier to handle as you drive away from watching staff who you may feel judged by. A snack, drink or toy nearby could help.

Staff will have seen it all before anyway and know how exhausting it is but they will also appreciate your efforts to help them leave on time too.

Stop expecting her to co-operate.
Make getting in the car rewarding - have a game/sticker book/nice drinks/snack waiting - let her know there's something nice for her in the car, bribery is another word for positive reinforcement 😉
For a long time every car journey was started with a small box of raisins while DD got strapped in.
You're probably also a bit tired and grumpy and focused on getting home, you need to switch that a bit so you engage her attention on a personal level too. I often used to ask 'best/worst thing about today'? at pickup to get her talking to me. DD always v happy to tell on the kids that had annoyed her that day.

I promise the staff will not be judging you. This is pretty standard behaviour. Just get her in and go. It's a phase that will pass

I'm sure you're not a terrible mom, and it doesn't sound as if you're doing anything wrong.

As others have said: this time of day is hard for little kids. They're knackered, hungry and unreasonable. They are thrilled to see you, but may not want to come away from having fun at nursery. That's all far too much emotion to process, when you're tiny and your ability to recognise and manage your emotions is limited at the best of times.

If it helps, remember that you get the worst behaviour because you are your DD's ultimate safe place. She can let rip with you like nobody else, because she knows she is utterly safe and utterly loved. It IS a kind of judgment on your parenting, but the opposite of what you might think! It means you've done an amazing job of letting her know you love her and will always be there for her, no matter what.