Husband just goes and does his own thing

I wasnt suggesting the DH needed to be controlled or more joined, I was pointing out to OP that they cannot have any impact how the other person thinks and they definitely cannot change how the other thinks or acts. ergo its outside their control.

People have to be comfortable in their own space to be a couple we doesn't mean joined or controlled.

He thinks as a single man and not as a ‘we’

This is the crux of your problem... and you cant solve it. You cant make him think of you, appreciate you, consider you, make you his first thought... You cant do anything about how he does any of these things.

This is normal surely? If I have downtime and DP is doing something else then I'll decide what I want to do and just do it without interrupting him.

I'm confused as to why you don't communicate what you want to do ahead of time? "That film looks good." "Do you want to start this TV show tonight?" "Do you want to watch something later or are you going to bed early?" If you want to do something together you have to let the other person know that.

I think you need to talk to him. Say to him "Shall we choose a film together later"?

This is what we do. I am semi retired and spend a lot of time with DH during the day, as he only works three days a week. When we have spent time together during the day, very often we both do our own thing in different rooms at night. We have very different tastes in films and TV programmes, and I also like to spend time reading in bed. But when he's been working during the day and we both fancy some company, we will have a conversation about putting the latest ITV drama on later or film etc.

Having our own space is important to us. Happily married for over 30 years so it works for us.

I think I’d be your husband in this scenario. It sounds like you’d both worked hard, it was late and you’d had a few drinks. In fact I’d have probably gone to bed rather than starting a film!

I agree OP, the issue in this instance is he’s chosen a film, so you can’t join part way through and gain enjoyment from it. With a film you both need to start at the beginning. All he needed to do was watch something shorter until you joined him, or line up some possible films to choose from.

More generally, I think you need to talk and say you’d like to spend some evenings together, then discuss what you’d both like to do, even if that is just have a regular TV / film night. Make sure you both know which evenings those are and which are ‘just do your own thing’ time.

WTF? Isn't that normal? Good God!

I can’t see a problem.

So you spent some time together having a few drinks before splitting off to do "jobs" around the house?

You were busy doing more jobs and so he went to keep himself busy. What, did you want him to hover around watching you until you were finished and then could do stuff together?

If you want to do something special together of an evening then say "hey I'm just going to finish these snack packs for tomorrow, why don't we watch that series/play strip poker/perform Shakespeare when I'm finished? It'll take about 20 minutes"

Are you always this controlling OP ?

What is it you want him to do? Don't most people meet up in the lounge when jobs are done or is he supposed to sit in a quiet room waiting for you to decide to join him?
If you have a plan do you not say hey why dont we have hot sex/ share a bath/ do some yoga/ watch that film when we're done?

Yes this, my husband or I is never asked or need to permission we just joim each other when we are finished whatever, no psychicness

Have you actually spoken to him about it and explained how you feel? I mean, that would be the adult thing to do…

I think you need to communicate better.
Once he’s cleaned the kitchen he’s sat down on the sofa in the house he lives in and watched tv. You’ve not asked him not to or communicated in any way? He’s literally done nothing wrong. He’s not a mind reader.

Yes definitely and that would drive me mad!

Why don’t you just ask him if you can do something together. I don’t think he has done anything wrong. He is just watching a film in his own house. You should communicate if you want to do something together. DH and I don’t check in constantly with each other as to what we are doing so sometimes I watch TV on my own or if it is a series we are watching together I will suggest we watch an episode after dinner. Sometimes DH is on his computer or I am reading a book or off down the gym. It is a bit suffocating to run every activity past your partner.

I'm quite independent and so is DH - if he went to watch tv and I came in, I'd either sit and join him or go up and read/watch something on my kindle in the bedroom. I wouldn't be upset that he hasn't consulted me 🤷‍♀️ if we're watching a show together (Yellowstone at the moment) I might say shall we watch a couple tonight? But quite happy to go off and do my own thing if he's watching something else.

At 10pm the ‘what we were doing’ would be I would be having a shower and going to bed (which is where I am now) and dh would finish his glass of wine and either fall asleep for an hour on the sofa before coming to bed or finishing his wine and coming up for a shower to bed (he’s asleep in bed now).
Dh and I are pretty independent at home and in life in general though, we don’t really watch the same things on tv bar the odd documentary here and there. I’m up
early tomorrow for a swim and he’ll be off to the gym so after dinner and cleaning up we sat with the kids for a bit and played a game of Yahtzee and then all scattered.
Maybe it’s because our kids are pretty grown up that we both have more time to ourselves and to spend as adults together but I don’t really seek him out as a form of entertainment and am more than happy pleasing myself!

I would find it suffocating to check in and ask if my dh wanted to watch tv all the time. Leave me to chill. Let us flow. This is how relationships go. We don’t have to be in each other hair all the time.

This is where I am, too.

Won’t you have spent the whole day together? Honestly, I think there’s a lot to be said for having space from one another

No I wouldn’t consider it odd. I’d think it was more odd if he was hanging around near me waiting to find out what ‘we’ were doing.

Do you ever suggest doing things together?

My DH is a bit like this. I’ve had to explain in very basic terms that when he does x, y, z (thing like this) I feel [sad that he’s not thought about me/whatever it is I’m feeling ]. I do think he’s inherently more liable to please himself first than I am, and he wouldn’t be remotely bothered if I went off to do my own thing but he has (eventually!) taken on board that it bothers me and makes an effort eg not to start a movie without me if it’s something I might like