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Original poster

Giving up gossip

210 replies

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 21:32

Has anyone ever actively done this?

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser. When people are gossiping around me I find myself commenting based on what I think they want to hear. Often getting drawn in. I am neurodivergent (ADHD/ASD) and therefore often do things to try and fit in. This may also be down to my personality. I'm fed up of feeling guilty whenever this happens, which isn't all the time, but enough for me to be writing this post. I'm actively going to either walk away, or listen quietly, and have prompts ready for when I do not want to be involved. All the best people I know are impartial. Though I'm worried people will think I'm being standoffish and have 'changed'.

Has anyone else actively chosen to stop being involved in drama, even indirectly or after being drawn in, and their feelings improved?

OP posts:
Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 10:16

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 10:15

Well they’re not people pleasers are they

They’re pathetically spineless

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Can still be people pleasers. Are you perfect?

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 10:15

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 10:09

Some people can be people pleasers and agreeable to what others say.. even if what they are staying is shitty

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Well they’re not people pleasers are they

They’re pathetically spineless

B1anche · 31/08/2025 10:15

IGaveSoManySigns · 31/08/2025 09:49

Gossip is fun

Would you think that if the gossip was about you or your family?

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 10:09

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 10:01

OP, let me guess you also self-describe yourself as “too nice”?

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Some people can be people pleasers and agreeable to what others say.. even if what they are staying is shitty

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 10:01

ratatouille99 · 31/08/2025 10:00

But, I am a people pleaser. It's something I'm working on. I'm in therapy with someone who specialises in ADHD and ASD, who is working with me on people pleasing behaviours and RSD which are extremely common in people like me with ADHD and ASD. I am not blaming everything in my life on this, just stating that it influences my decisions. It has actually been a real issue for me. But you are entitled to your opinion.

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OP, let me guess you also self-describe yourself as “too nice”?

Original poster
ratatouille99 · 31/08/2025 10:00

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 09:47

“People pleaser”

My ass

But, I am a people pleaser. It's something I'm working on. I'm in therapy with someone who specialises in ADHD and ASD, who is working with me on people pleasing behaviours and RSD which are extremely common in people like me with ADHD and ASD. I am not blaming everything in my life on this, just stating that it influences my decisions. It has actually been a real issue for me. But you are entitled to your opinion.

OP posts:
Runlikesomeoneleftgateopen · 31/08/2025 09:56

I hate gossip and just say l don't want to get involved.

lotsofpatience · 31/08/2025 09:52

If you are hanging out with gossipers you are hanging out with lowlives. Do better.

BeefAndHorseradishSandwich · 31/08/2025 09:50

My friend and I only gossip about one person but she’s a right pain. Tbh, my friend brings her up way more than me, I haven’t seen this person in 5 years and I think she treats my friend quite badly. Generally, if I don’t like someone, I don’t hang around them so no need to gossip 🤷‍♀️ I’m in my 40s now so I don’t have loads of friends but the ones I do, I love to bits and don’t have a bad word to say about them.

IGaveSoManySigns · 31/08/2025 09:49

Gossip is fun

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 09:47

“People pleaser”

My ass

anytipswelcome · 31/08/2025 09:46

Bluesey · 31/08/2025 09:35

I love a good gossip! But not about something I've been asked to keep quiet or something obviously very personal. If my mate got a cancer diagnosis and didn't want anyone else to know then I'm obviously not going to spread it around! If someone is caught having an affair or something though then they deserve to be gossiped about IMO for their shitty behaviour.

I think the problem with this though is that it’s so easy for misinformation to get spread. Doesn’t that worry you? You’re unlikely to know the whole truth of anything.

My friend was mercilessly gossiped about in her first job after uni, accused of an affair with a manager. In actual fact he had been relentlessly sexually harassing her and boasting about it to his male colleagues, who decided she must be ‘loving it’ when in fact she was too scared to go to HR at 21 in her first job to complain about a senior member of staff. She never reciprocated in any way.

It made her unwell (the gossiping as much as his behaviour) and, as so depressingly often happens, it was her who was left without a job as it became impossible for her to stay.

I hope everyone who gossiped about her (and as usual picked up on everything else about her once they decided she was fair game due to the ‘affair’ that wasn’t actually happening - her voice, her clothing, her personality etc) were ashamed of themselves when the truth came out once he targeted someone slightly more senior and willing to go to HR.

Bluesey · 31/08/2025 09:35

I love a good gossip! But not about something I've been asked to keep quiet or something obviously very personal. If my mate got a cancer diagnosis and didn't want anyone else to know then I'm obviously not going to spread it around! If someone is caught having an affair or something though then they deserve to be gossiped about IMO for their shitty behaviour.

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 09:18

Gossiping when your intention is to ruin someone’s reputation is shitty. If you are talking about someone in a positive way then there’s no issue.

Screamingabdabz · 31/08/2025 09:11

beelegal · 30/08/2025 22:55

“Toxic positivity”…wow.
You are the problem not her.

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Psychological safety mate. Look it up. 🙄

autienotnaughty · 31/08/2025 09:08

I use to be like this, I would say what I thought people would want me to say. Now I try to follow the rule would I say this to someone’s face.

Screamingabdabz · 31/08/2025 09:01

HelpMeUnpickThis · 31/08/2025 08:20

This is a really weird take.
She is probably guarded because from what you posted it sounds like she works in a snake pit.

@ratatouille99 just remove yourself. And answer in short sentences with innocuous statements. “Really?” “That must have been difficult” “She did well to get that promotion”. Then just walk away.

I hate gossips. Especially the ones who dress up bitching behind people’s backs as some sort of team building exercise. 🙄.

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Hilarious. Far from a ‘snake pit’! We are all a bunch of civilised older women who mainly talk about our book clubs, dogs and grandchildren!

Coffeetime25 · 31/08/2025 08:38

If a person is happy to gossip about someone else to you what are they saying about you to someone else can't stand gossips and will openly ask such a question when people attempt to share gossip about others with me

Hillrunning · 31/08/2025 08:33

Op i think your idea of having some stock responses is a great idea. I used to work somewhere where everyone loved a good gossip about anyone, usually people I didn't know. God it was dull!

I perfected a mix of bland non confrontational responses and conversation deflectors.

Juniper was flirting with Sarah at the pub yesterday and Sam said it wasn't the first time. Isnt that so terrible, she's such a tart!
"Im not sure i know them. Juniper isn't a name you hear often, I think i quite like it. What's that you have for lunch?"

HelpMeUnpickThis · 31/08/2025 08:22

cheapskatemum · 30/08/2025 22:10

My friend gave up gossiping for Lent one year. She said it meant she wouldn’t be able to see me until after Easter. That really made me think & I have tried not to gossip since. I find it hard though. I do love a good bit of gossip.

@cheapskatemum

I really like the sound of your friend. You are lucky to have her.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 31/08/2025 08:20

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2025 22:52

There is evidence that some low level gossip is actually normal and good for social cohesion, especially if it’s positive and looking out for other people. Malicious gossip is bad, but ‘oh did you hear so and so got a promotion?’ is perfectly normal.

In our office there is one woman who is guarded and never joins in conversations, she’s desperate to steer everyone onto a path of toxic positivity. Nobody trusts her. So I would say there are worst things in a workplace than gossip.

This is a really weird take.
She is probably guarded because from what you posted it sounds like she works in a snake pit.

@ratatouille99 just remove yourself. And answer in short sentences with innocuous statements. “Really?” “That must have been difficult” “She did well to get that promotion”. Then just walk away.

I hate gossips. Especially the ones who dress up bitching behind people’s backs as some sort of team building exercise. 🙄.

BunnyLover7 · 31/08/2025 08:13

I remember having a cuppa with a neighbour when our DDs were in primary school & she kept trying to start a conversation with me but it was all based on what this person had done or what shocking thing that person had got up to or “ Did you hear what the headmaster said to Mrs X” etc etc. It felt like a foreign language to me & pretty awkward. We never did become proper friends because she was forever talking negatively about people behind their backs.

Original poster
ratatouille99 · 31/08/2025 08:02

FunnyHazelPeer · 31/08/2025 00:37

Please don’t use the neurodivergent card to excuse crappy behaviour 🙄

we all gossip. I don’t think we’ve ever met someone who doesn’t gossip in one way or another.

It’s not nice, I think it’s good you’re looking to try and actively improve on this. I used to be terrible at gossiping about situations I know 1% about. However I’ve really learnt to tone this down, but this is not to say I NEVER EVER EVER gossip, because unfortunately I do!

I'm not using the 'neurodivergent card' (that's a horrible phrase), I pointed out that I am a people pleaser and I have spent my whole life trying to mask and fit in, possibly because I often feel very different. I also acknowledged that this may also be a personality thing. And I don't think all people do gossip. Not with everyone anyway. As I said, the best people I know seem not to (though may do so when with family or people they trust, who knows). Thanks all.

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 31/08/2025 01:06

Yabu

mumofoneAloneandwell · 31/08/2025 00:53

Girl

I'm several wines in

I've had to pause the music to tell you that yabu

What's a life with no fun?