Giving up gossip

No! I bloody love gossip. I went out with 9 girlfriends the other night and we gossiped all night. When my husband picked me up, the first thing he said was ‘any gossip?’ 😂

I think there's a difference between offloading in a discreet and private way about someone with whom you have a genuine grievance to a trusted friend and mindlessly sharing private information about other people.

Sometimes you have to be able to share something that has upset you and sense check what's happened. If someone does this to me I will take it in the manner its intended and treat it with confidence.

But people who love slagging off other people for shits and giggles I always give a wide berth to. And BTW for the self-described "people peasers": I don't think you will "please" anyone by nodding along with their gossip. You're far more likely to earn respect from people by making clear that you won't participate.

yes I have said a bad word about someone to someone else.

however I don’t describe myself as a “people pleaser” because of it. Instead I know that it’s not a very nice thing to do and try to limit myself doing it rather than trying to positively label is as being a bloomin “people pleaser”!! @Dodeedoo

Not your friend giving you up for Lent 🤣🤣.

As long as you're not a malicious gossip or spiller of secrets, you should be reasonably okay.

I think it would be weird not to talk about anyone ever, and we all know the difference between ‘harmless gossip’ and ‘malicious gossip’. It can be a fine line but you can feel the jntention either from yourself or the other person. So there are people I enjoy ‘harmless gossip’ with, and others that I know think I’m boring/weird because I won’t gossip with them (generally keep my distance) and pull them up when they say cruel things (which makes them not like me even more).

My gauge for myself is ‘would I defend what I’m saying if the person overheard me or would I just be mortified because I know I’m being a shit’ ..

We all say things we don’t want other people to overhear, but it’s not necessarily bad to say them. As my MIL says, what other people think of me is none of my business!

But we all know when we are just being mean. There’s a mutual friend that a friend and I have very strong opinions about and we agreed to not talk about her anymore. We could feel in ourselves this was not nice and was bringing out an unpleasant aspect of our characters.

Talking about other peoples lives is a very human trait and has been happening since humans could communicate

I agree. There’s no excuse.

Absolutely this 👆
it’s not good for anyone and if anyone tries to do it around me it makes me feel grubby .

I don’t care.

Some therapists are good, some aren’t.

I don’t have a problem people disagreeing with me. Do you?

Well you are also disagreeing with the therapist that OP is seeing.

Ahh I misread your thread title as 'Giving us gossip' and opened the thread to find out who and what and when. Disappointing

Well we will have to disagree then.

No it is a coping mechanism. Especially in ND people.

I agree. Also, people pleasing is a massive excuse for being a coward. Sorry but there it is.

This.

it is ironic that this PP is making accusations about people not being nice, when she is not being nice herself.

OP has ASD.
I do too and we can be notorious people pleasers as a form of masking and just trying to fit in. I had no friends so people pleased so people liked me. Sometimes this meant going along with gossip etc even things I did not like. Better than being the weird loner.

OP is realising that is what is happening and is asking about changing things. It can be done.

Calling her things like spineless is cruel.

I hate gossip and if someone gossips to me I know to be careful around them because the next time they will be gossiping about me to someone else.

Have you never said a bad word anyone ever? I’m not arguing, genuinely just interested.
it is hard for me to believe that no human has ever not gossiped about someone at some point. I’m not saying it is right. I just think as humans we are not perfect and fuck up sometimes.
Atleast the op acknowledged her flaws and is trying to better herself. Some bitchy fuckers don’t care.

This. My Mum is the same and it’s really affected my friendships as I’ve always assumed that people don’t really like me and that they’re rolling their eyes behind my back.

Everyone gossips! We evolved to bond by the sharing of info. Usually its not bitching just updating on people's lives.

I know people have gossiped about me and it doesn't bother me unless it's a complete character assassination.

I can keep a secret if needed. I'd never share anything about a good friend they wouldn't want others to know.

And in the OP’s case it appears to just be a case of being a gossip. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I don’t believe it even exists

Being a people pleaser is not nice. It is a weakness that stems from insecurity. Nobody is saying it is nice.

It’s putting a nice label on something that is far from nice

and don’t be so silly. No I am not “perfect” 🙄