Giving up gossip

I think you need to read the posts quoting me and agreeing, or posting very similar to me @Dodeedoo

If you say you are “people pleasing” it means that you are pleasing people

That is positive

so I think labelling something like gossiping as “people pleasing” as utterly daft! And thankfully, I’m not alone!

people pleasing is not positive in anyway, shape or form. You are deliberately misinterpreting the meaning. The OP is trying to ‘people please’ the people she is bitching about. She obviously isn’t trying to ‘people please’ the people she is bitching about 🤣. The op is not trying to dress up the term ‘people pleasing’ as nice. It isn’t and nobody is saying it is apart from you!

yes I have said a bad word about someone to someone else.

however I don’t describe myself as a “people pleaser” because of it. Instead I know that it’s not a very nice thing to do and try to limit myself doing it rather than trying to positively label is as being a bloomin “people pleaser”!! @Dodeedoo

Here are some phrases you can use:
“It is awful, I hope she’s okay”
”it wouldn’t be my choice, but each to their own I suppose”
”I wonder if that’s the whole story, you never really know what’s going on with someone”

Who’s ‘they’?

I love a gossip but I'm not horrible. If you're associated with neo nazis, a domestic abuser, your small cake business has put a million through the books etc I will gossip about you. I don't think I ever punch down and I will defend people behind their backs too.

Depends what you mean by gossip. My wider friendship group don’t get to meet up so often any more, so we often talk about each other when we do meet, as a way of sharing news. But it’s not done in a nasty way; it’s more “have you seen X recently?” “Yes, she’s found a new house to move to and her son won a cycling competition. Oh and her DH was made redundant last month so they’re not in the best place at the moment - maybe send her a message if you haven’t spoken to her recently”.

I have certain friends where we do gossip about a particular individual and we’re not saying nice things; but that’s because the person we’re talking about isn’t nice! So I’ve got an ex colleague who still works at the place we were at together and she’ll always fill me in on our common “enemy” at work. This woman makes people’s lives hell, so I really don’t care that we say bad things about her - she totally deserves it!

only time it’s bad IMO is when it’s two-faced - so you’re saying horrible things about a supposed friend. That’s a rubbish thing to do and makes you a bad friend.

I'm not really a gossipy person either, too antisocial for that but I am sure that they now think that there are some major benefits to gossip, that it deepens bonds and spreads useful information that can protect people from harm.

I think there's a difference between offloading in a discreet and private way about someone with whom you have a genuine grievance to a trusted friend and mindlessly sharing private information about other people.

Sometimes you have to be able to share something that has upset you and sense check what's happened. If someone does this to me I will take it in the manner its intended and treat it with confidence.

But people who love slagging off other people for shits and giggles I always give a wide berth to. And BTW for the self-described "people peasers": I don't think you will "please" anyone by nodding along with their gossip. You're far more likely to earn respect from people by making clear that you won't participate.

Gossip serves an evolutionary purpose and there are a ton of academic books and studies to read about it if you can be arsed.

Made me feel a lot better about indulging from time to time.

I absolutely love gossiping. It’s one of my favourite hobbies. I have to hold back from putting it on my CV.

id never gossip about my real friends. Even tho there’s some absolute belters. My lips are sealed.

I also don’t tell random people anything I’d not want them to share.

but if I hear juicy stories about a random person or friend of a friend? Yes I’m telling everyone.

This.

it is ironic that this PP is making accusations about people not being nice, when she is not being nice herself.

You are gossiping about people
so you aren’t “people pleasing” the people you’re gossiping about are you?

I just can’t stand this tendency towards labelling something unpleasant as pleasant. If I find my self being drawn to gossip, which thankfully is bloody rare, then it’s on ME and it’s not nice. The idea of dressing it up as “people pleasing” is daft. Utterly daft.

OP has ASD.
I do too and we can be notorious people pleasers as a form of masking and just trying to fit in. I had no friends so people pleased so people liked me. Sometimes this meant going along with gossip etc even things I did not like. Better than being the weird loner.

OP is realising that is what is happening and is asking about changing things. It can be done.

Calling her things like spineless is cruel.