Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving up gossip

210 replies

ratatouille99 · 30/08/2025 21:32

Has anyone ever actively done this?

I'm not an actively gossipy person, but I am a people pleaser. When people are gossiping around me I find myself commenting based on what I think they want to hear. Often getting drawn in. I am neurodivergent (ADHD/ASD) and therefore often do things to try and fit in. This may also be down to my personality. I'm fed up of feeling guilty whenever this happens, which isn't all the time, but enough for me to be writing this post. I'm actively going to either walk away, or listen quietly, and have prompts ready for when I do not want to be involved. All the best people I know are impartial. Though I'm worried people will think I'm being standoffish and have 'changed'.

Has anyone else actively chosen to stop being involved in drama, even indirectly or after being drawn in, and their feelings improved?

OP posts:
Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 19:44

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/08/2025 19:39

I do think it’s due a rebrand, though. So many pass agg martyrs / intrusive ‘caretakers’ / guilt-trippers / bystanders / apologists and enablers for awful behaviour wear ‘people pleasing’ as a badge of honour. Ooh I’m just too nice! You know me, I’m such a pushover. I just want everyone else to be happy.

I think if we called it something like ‘maladaptive passivity’ or ‘forcible altruism’ or even ‘no solid sense of self’, people might be a bit more ready to look at their behaviour and try to do things differently.

Show quote history

Exactly
it needs a rebrand
“people pleasing” has an undercurrent of something positive
when it is 100% not positive behaviour in any shape or form

PreciousLittleLifeForms · 31/08/2025 19:41

LittlePineapple · 31/08/2025 19:39

Honestly it's not worth everyone else engaging with these circular discussions.

Anyone can Google (I've literally jsut tried it) and see what the term is and a better explanation of it than I've just given. My Google AI even at the top goes into reasons why people do it, etc.

Yes I learned about people pleasing in therapy. There are so many forms it can take.
We learned about boundaries and how to set them and also how to recognise our own values. All this helped me become less of a people pleaser.

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/08/2025 19:39

LittlePineapple · 31/08/2025 19:27

"People pleasing" is absolutely a thing. And a negative trait. It's a term as it's helpful for people in therapy/ group therapy to understand and recognise what they're doing

Often people initially think it's about "being nice" but it can stem from a fear of rocking the boat, fear of reprisals (ie in childhood maybe learnt to be on edge and so what parents want to keep the peace). Or from a religious "always put the other person first". What often seems to happen in therapy is understanding that "people pleasing" is a learnt behaviour. That always saying "you choose" or "I don't mind" or just agreeing with people's opinions in a group is actually inauthentic/doesn't actually make people happy/ can be really irritating!

That's why its a term. It exists. It's not a positive and it's really helpful to describe a particular learned behaviour. So it absolutely makes sense that someone ND in therapy is learning about it and overcoming it.

I do think it’s due a rebrand, though. So many pass agg martyrs / intrusive ‘caretakers’ / guilt-trippers / bystanders / apologists and enablers for awful behaviour wear ‘people pleasing’ as a badge of honour. Ooh I’m just too nice! You know me, I’m such a pushover. I just want everyone else to be happy.

I think if we called it something like ‘maladaptive passivity’ or ‘forcible altruism’ or even ‘no solid sense of self’, people might be a bit more ready to look at their behaviour and try to do things differently.

LittlePineapple · 31/08/2025 19:39

Honestly it's not worth everyone else engaging with these circular discussions.

Anyone can Google (I've literally jsut tried it) and see what the term is and a better explanation of it than I've just given. My Google AI even at the top goes into reasons why people do it, etc.

LittlePineapple · 31/08/2025 19:37

It's what the term "people pleasing" means. People mould themselves to what they think is "nice" and going along with what others want.

It takes insightb(hence therapy) to realise it often doesn't really please people if you want authentic relationshops. Or perhaps only does on a superficial level.

But like how being a yes-man at work might feel like you're being adaptable and dependable but can lead to burnout or just not respected for not having opinions.

Its literally a term.

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 19:34

That always saying "you choose" or "I don't mind" or just agreeing with people's opinions in a group is actually inauthentic/doesn't actually make people happy/ can be really irritating!

so it isn’t people pleasing then!!!

PreciousLittleLifeForms · 31/08/2025 19:31

LittlePineapple · 31/08/2025 19:27

"People pleasing" is absolutely a thing. And a negative trait. It's a term as it's helpful for people in therapy/ group therapy to understand and recognise what they're doing

Often people initially think it's about "being nice" but it can stem from a fear of rocking the boat, fear of reprisals (ie in childhood maybe learnt to be on edge and so what parents want to keep the peace). Or from a religious "always put the other person first". What often seems to happen in therapy is understanding that "people pleasing" is a learnt behaviour. That always saying "you choose" or "I don't mind" or just agreeing with people's opinions in a group is actually inauthentic/doesn't actually make people happy/ can be really irritating!

That's why its a term. It exists. It's not a positive and it's really helpful to describe a particular learned behaviour. So it absolutely makes sense that someone ND in therapy is learning about it and overcoming it.

Thank you for posting this. It is very useful unlike the arguing now on this thread.

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 19:28

LittlePineapple · 31/08/2025 19:27

"People pleasing" is absolutely a thing. And a negative trait. It's a term as it's helpful for people in therapy/ group therapy to understand and recognise what they're doing

Often people initially think it's about "being nice" but it can stem from a fear of rocking the boat, fear of reprisals (ie in childhood maybe learnt to be on edge and so what parents want to keep the peace). Or from a religious "always put the other person first". What often seems to happen in therapy is understanding that "people pleasing" is a learnt behaviour. That always saying "you choose" or "I don't mind" or just agreeing with people's opinions in a group is actually inauthentic/doesn't actually make people happy/ can be really irritating!

That's why its a term. It exists. It's not a positive and it's really helpful to describe a particular learned behaviour. So it absolutely makes sense that someone ND in therapy is learning about it and overcoming it.

Thank you

LittlePineapple · 31/08/2025 19:27

"People pleasing" is absolutely a thing. And a negative trait. It's a term as it's helpful for people in therapy/ group therapy to understand and recognise what they're doing

Often people initially think it's about "being nice" but it can stem from a fear of rocking the boat, fear of reprisals (ie in childhood maybe learnt to be on edge and so what parents want to keep the peace). Or from a religious "always put the other person first". What often seems to happen in therapy is understanding that "people pleasing" is a learnt behaviour. That always saying "you choose" or "I don't mind" or just agreeing with people's opinions in a group is actually inauthentic/doesn't actually make people happy/ can be really irritating!

That's why its a term. It exists. It's not a positive and it's really helpful to describe a particular learned behaviour. So it absolutely makes sense that someone ND in therapy is learning about it and overcoming it.

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 19:17

NNforthispost · 31/08/2025 19:13

Ah that old chestnut. Agreed. In much the same way as someone I work with keeps reminding me that x happened because “everyone loves me”. They don’t. But he has skin like a rhino hide and comments bounce off him.

He also thinks he’s too nice. I’ve heard him being absolutely vile to people. Apparently he’s a malicious gossip too (I’ve heard some of it - and I told him what he said was factually incorrect, he shouldn’t repeat it, and then he apparently said worse to others on the team.).

This guy does not know how close he came to losing his job. What he was saying was utterly repulsive and he really should have on a disciplinary because of it.

Show quote history

Whenever I read on mumsnet someone describe themself as “too nice”

I think… I bet you are the only person who thinks that about you

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 19:16

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 19:06

If I did say that then I wouldn’t be labelling it as a good thing. I’d be on the same page as you that it’s pathetic and spineless, but people do try it. It’s inauthentic.
Being a bitch and nasty about someone is not nice. There is no excuse. It’s dicky behaviour and the OP acknowledges it and is trying to do better.

Show quote history

So you wouldn’t label it as “people pleasing” or you would but would say that you don’t think it’s a positive?

NNforthispost · 31/08/2025 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ah that old chestnut. Agreed. In much the same way as someone I work with keeps reminding me that x happened because “everyone loves me”. They don’t. But he has skin like a rhino hide and comments bounce off him.

He also thinks he’s too nice. I’ve heard him being absolutely vile to people. Apparently he’s a malicious gossip too (I’ve heard some of it - and I told him what he said was factually incorrect, he shouldn’t repeat it, and then he apparently said worse to others on the team.).

This guy does not know how close he came to losing his job. What he was saying was utterly repulsive and he really should have on a disciplinary because of it.

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 19:06

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 19:00

So to be clear, you wouldn’t say to your child that maybe XYZ are “people pleasers”?

Show quote history

If I did say that then I wouldn’t be labelling it as a good thing. I’d be on the same page as you that it’s pathetic and spineless, but people do try it. It’s inauthentic.
Being a bitch and nasty about someone is not nice. There is no excuse. It’s dicky behaviour and the OP acknowledges it and is trying to do better.

Shelly369 · 31/08/2025 19:02

NotoriousABC · 31/08/2025 19:00

I’m ND and honestly I generally enjoy a good bit of gossip as does everyone else. The amount of posters on this thread who claim that they never gossip or bitch about anyone is hilarious.

Happy to admit that I am also guilt of people pleasing (not related to gossiping though, I do that for the love of it 😂). I agree that people pleasing is a bit cowardly. I do it because in some situations can’t be arsed with the minor conflict it might invoke if I didn’t people please and I’m too wimpy to have integrity. It is a bit annoying when some ND people can’t take accountability for absolutely anything and blame/hide behind their diagnosis.

This is so much better than other people’s status!

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BotterMon · 31/08/2025 19:01

A shrug with "who am I to judge?" tends to shut them up and stop them including you in any gossip.

Shelly369 · 31/08/2025 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’ve just seen this. Yes! All of those accusations will be thrown at me (even if those specific words aren’t used). Goady comes close…..

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 19:00

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 18:57

Definitely not. I have never once said that people pleasing is a good thing or is it an excuse. I agreed with you upthread that it is spineless. I’ve just said that it does exist.

Show quote history

So to be clear, you wouldn’t say to your child that maybe XYZ are “people pleasers”?

NotoriousABC · 31/08/2025 19:00

I’m ND and honestly I generally enjoy a good bit of gossip as does everyone else. The amount of posters on this thread who claim that they never gossip or bitch about anyone is hilarious.

Happy to admit that I am also guilt of people pleasing (not related to gossiping though, I do that for the love of it 😂). I agree that people pleasing is a bit cowardly. I do it because in some situations can’t be arsed with the minor conflict it might invoke if I didn’t people please and I’m too wimpy to have integrity. It is a bit annoying when some ND people can’t take accountability for absolutely anything and blame/hide behind their diagnosis.

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 18:59

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 18:57

Definitely not. I have never once said that people pleasing is a good thing or is it an excuse. I agreed with you upthread that it is spineless. I’ve just said that it does exist.

Show quote history

Cool

I don’t think it’s “people pleasing” and I think that very label indicates something positive about something negative, and is nonsense.

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 18:57

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 18:44

Do you have children @Dodeedoo ?

if they came to you, very upset that people at school had been gossiping about them, would you launch in to a staunch defence that amongst the crowd of gossips, there may well be poor victims of “people pleasing” behaviour?

Definitely not. I have never once said that people pleasing is a good thing or is it an excuse. I agreed with you upthread that it is spineless. I’ve just said that it does exist.

Shelly369 · 31/08/2025 18:49

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 18:48

what can I say… I’m a people pleaser

Show quote history

Haha!

Laxonaweekend · 31/08/2025 18:48

Dodeedoo · 31/08/2025 18:46

@Laxonaweekend @Shelly369 you two could be mean girl bezzie mates 🤣🤣🤣

what can I say… I’m a people pleaser

Shelly369 · 31/08/2025 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/08/2025 18:47

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2025 22:52

There is evidence that some low level gossip is actually normal and good for social cohesion, especially if it’s positive and looking out for other people. Malicious gossip is bad, but ‘oh did you hear so and so got a promotion?’ is perfectly normal.

In our office there is one woman who is guarded and never joins in conversations, she’s desperate to steer everyone onto a path of toxic positivity. Nobody trusts her. So I would say there are worst things in a workplace than gossip.

100% this.

I like to know work ‘gossip’ that affects me - e.g are we about to be bought by a larger company and half of us will be laid off, etc. People who are open to hearing information through unofficial channels tend to get a heads-up about major changes in time to prepare.

Some gossip is also helpful in order to gauge who is and is not trustworthy in your organisation. IME the very idealistic people who won’t be involved in any speculative chat about others’ behaviour and motives, and always want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, are the least interpersonally savvy and most likely to end up exploited by bad actors, or left behind in decision-making because they don’t ever really have the full picture.

The kind of gossip that’s just nasty, though, I have no time for. Bitchy stuff about people’s financial situation, or mental health, or the state of their marriage.