Not being able to go and being alone over christmas

YANBU to feel sidelined and sad at the thought of your first Christmas without family, however, what’s stopping you from enquiring directly with the hotel about coming for a much shorter stay that might be affordable and within the court ordered contact days. Or see if timings can be made to work and tell your parents you’d love to go but can’t afford it and see if they offer to help so you’re not on your own at Christmas ?

I would be terribly hurt and they are being selfish. At the very least they could have been discussing the idea with you

Now you know this will be a quiet Christmas, start to make plans. Rituals, even if just between the two of you, can help make Christmas feel special to children. Discuss what he wants for breakfast. Choose a couple of good board or card games that two people can play. Pick a couple of really good films to watch. Maybe get some new Christmas PJs or just really cosy lounge wear and tell him you don't have to get up all day.

Try to get out and meet up with friends at some point either side of the day itself. Maybe invite a couple of DC's friends over for a film night with pizzas and popcorn. See if friends are up for a Boxing Day walk.

If your parents are wealthy,it wouldn't hurt them to come to an arrangement where they pay and you pay them back at a rate you are able to afford.

OP, I would feel the same as you - a bit sidelined and overlooked. But, it's really important not to let your DC see that you feel this way as it will perpetuate an unhealthy family dynamic of being made to feel second best or not good enough.

I think a good tactic would be to call your parents and possibly your sis and say: "I know you are away this year and hope you have a lovely time. We can;t afford to join you this time, but we'd really love to see you all at some point over the holidays - can we fix a date before you go or after you get back when we can all get together?" Maybe don't offer to host otherwise you'd feel even more bitter shelling out to feed them and hand over presents while they swan off. But perhaps you could suggest visiting them?

On the day - are there any other people you know in a similar situation? Any other single mums? Could you get together with close friends?

You won’t be alone. You’ll be with your DC. That’s a very big difference to being actually alone. Make the most of what you have and stop thinking about what you don’t have.

If they have hosted you for the last decade (at least!) they are allowed to have a break.

hosting is bloody hard work, expensive, and generally thankless.

why don’t you invite them to yours?

YANBU to feel hurt.

They are perfectly entitled to want to do something special for Christmas. Of course they are. But I could never do that to one of my children. It's not just any old holiday, it's Christmas!

Speak to your Mum. Find out what has actually been planned. If there is no solution, then you must make it a lovely little Christmas for you and your dc.

I have spent most of the last decade either alone with ds or just plain alone. I had a couple of Christmas days with my parents when me and ex first split, but during the pandemic just did it for me.

My Dad (he died two years ago) never liked Xmas anyway and I don't live near to them, so Xmas with them always involved me driving hundreds of miles.

My brother lives near them so he always wanted Xmas day at his house. For a number of reasons, staying with him would not have been possible.

So my folks just got into this pattern of going to my brother's and they stopped even asking what my plans were. It really hurt during lockdown when we were allowed to bubble or whatever the stupid rule was, and I hadn't seen anyone other than my child for so long, ....and they booked a hotel near my brother without even telling me. I was so hurt when I found out. Nobody even used to ask if I was alone.

I have had to make my family of two work. I feel sad sometimes that DS hasn't had much of his extended family in his life, but it's just how things are. My parents and brother and me don't really get along all together. My brother demands and my parents would keep the peace, especially my mother.

It got to the point even before my Dad died, that I realised my family had only visited me twice in about six years or more. As of now, I don't expect my mother will be able to visit again and I barely have a relationship with my brother anymore.

I don't have a partner. I have a few good friends but they don't invite me at Xmas either as they all have their own families.

It does hurt and I feel sad how life turned out but also, it isn't the end of the world. There is strength and peace in being ok with your own company.

Let them go, and don't worry about it. Try and plan something nice for you and your DS and especially for yourself. You're not the only one, I promise you.

Honestly it feels harsh to say that they can never do a holiday over Christmas because of your personal circumstances . I get that you'll be lonely but it's 3 months away so they've given you lots of time to arrange something .
Id be jealous and disappointed to be missing out but im not sure id be angry with them. It's not their fault.

I think they probably knew it would be difficult for you and that is why they went ahead and booked first so that they didn't miss out on what they wany, which is a holiday at Christmas. If your parents have spent every Christmas with you I think it's fair that they get to do what they want to do this year.

It’s 3 months away.

you have lots of time to plan things - days out - seeing friends - meals out - cinema - things with your daughter, winter walks, ice skating, Pantos, see a show, go to a carol service, go snd see the lights in town , do some Christmas baking, Christmas crafts….

it’s hard but you have to cut your cloth to suit your budget and here you also have to meet the court contact requirements.

plenty of charities are desperate for people to help over Christmas. Have you considered volunteering when you are in your own?

there are so many things you can do for free or low cost if you start researching now and make plans with your friends etc.

you can chose to sit at home feeling sad and left out or you can make the best of being home and plan a really lovely Christmas period.

don’t rely on others to control your happiness - seize the day and make the best of it by being positive and making plans that you can achieve at home.

I’m sorry OP, it must feel hurtful. But focus on making a lovely Christmas for you and ds, I know you might be on your own for some of it, just plan some special treats for yourself. And you never know a friend might be free to meet up or come round?

Join the Christmas board. So many spend it alone.

Christmas Eve
Christmas Day
Boxing Day

id love 3 days of nobody

I can’t believe how many people think YABU!

I think YANBU OP. Christmas is time for family. I simply would not contemplate Christmas without my siblings and parents and I know they feel the same. I would be so heartbroken if they made plans behind my back that excluded me and left me on my own. It just wouldn’t happen. I’m so sorry it’s happening to you. Take it as an opportunity to do whatever you want for yourself and your DC. Make it a Christmas to remember for positive reasons x

Have you considered asking to change the court ordered contact so that your child gets to spend a longer period with you or their other parent on alternate Christmas holidays? That way, you would have more freedom to either take your child away in ‘your’ Christmas year, or plan with more freedom in the year you don’t have them with you. That would surely be better all round?

In the meantime why not talk to your DM? It may be that she would actually be disappointed not to spend Christmas with you and this particular grandchild. Even if it doesn’t change the situation that might make you feel a little better.

I wouldn’t go abroad without you and your DD, knowing you couldn’t have afforded to join us. However, they have handily given you several months to plan an alternative Christmas- maybe you and dd could make a game out of what will do, like making dinner together and making it like a Christmas cracker, or hiding presents for each other and playing games to find them.

Or join a community meal, or go to a restaurant- expensive bit not as expensive as the holiday would have been.

Have you asked ex if he’d consider allowing this, and you allow him to holiday with child next year?

If your DSis mentioned it to you under instruction from your DM, is it possible she's game playing a bit? Does she like things her own way? Maybe if you go direct to your DM you might find the situation is slightly different to what DSis suggested. Mine always game played with stuff like this. I found it worked best just to be really open and constructive with DM. E.g. What are your plans for Xmas? I'd feel really sad to not spend it with you, is there any way round it? Etc

Im nearing 60 and no way would I leave one of kids on their own ( well op isnt alone as they have their son but still) at xmas. We can go on holiday anytime.

I'm a single parent and share the children with my ex-husband on Christmas Day. My family live too far away to do both, so I have ended up spending half of Christmas Day alone Boxing Day alone for many years. It does get better. In the beginning I was sad, but then also felt grateful for what I have and just poured everything into the time I've had my children. I think it's ok for you to feel sad / angry with your family (without judging them) and also to be grateful that you can have Christmas with your son.

You won't be spending Christmas on your own because your child will be there.