Not being able to go and being alone over christmas

My place is tiny, no way my cooker could fit any the food in. If I had a bigger place I absolutely would invite them round and host

If your parents have hosted every Christmas for the last ten years (if not also the twenty years before that?!) then I can completely understand why they want an all inclusive holiday this year.

It's very easy to say of course you'd host if you had a bigger house. It's up there with 'of course you'd drive everyone to work/back from the pub/station/airport if only you could drive'.

You've got 4 months to plan a lovely Christmas for your son. Invite a friend round for drinks, go to a Carol concert, see a show, play board games, go to the cinema, plan a long Boxing Day walk, zoom your family and plan a quiz, go to a Christmas market etc etc

Let your parents go and be waited on at Christmas for a change,

I understand why you feel sad but there’s nothing you can do to change it.

So what you can do is decide what you’d like to do and what would make you happy.
It is your Christmas too.

As a single parent myself, I’d love nothing more than getting some junk food and staying in bed watching movies and playing PlayStation.
That would be my ideal Christmas.

Yours may be going for a nice long walk or going to a party or something.

You have no commitments, so you get to choose to do whatever you want.

Having said that I also think family should be able to do what they want at Christmas and not compelled to fit around your restrictions. I hate the fact that at Christmas people without any connections feel even more lonely than at other times

I agree if someone is totally alone but the OP isn't - she has her child. Thinking about it, perhaps this is where some of the disagreement on this thread comes from.

Due to mostly shitty family, we have mostly spent Christmasses with friends……. Over the years they have become like our extended family

I'm not sure I agree - especially if it means you can never do what you want as you're always accommodating another person.

OP has nearly four months to make other plans for Christmas if she doesn't want to spend it alone.

@tumblingdowntherabbithole

if a member of your own family will be otherwise alone you do what you can to prevent that if that’s not what they want, no? Tis the season. I feel this keenly as I’m not sure what I’ll do in the future and it’s sad.

Court ordered contact is about the child, not the wishes of unpleasant parents.

If the current arrangement means your child is consistently missing out on time with their wider family then there is no reason why a court might not reconsider.

Also, you say your child is a tween? In my experience the court will take the wishes of a child over ten into account. One has to bear in mind that you can’t realistically physically force a child over about 11 or 12 to do something they don’t want to do. (By that age you have to rely on their trusting you and wanting to please.)

So how does your child feel about the current arrangement?

I’m really sorry you’re feeling hurt but I’m not sure what you think they should do differently - there’s no version of a Christmas holiday that you could join as you can’t afford it and share custody. So expecting them to never go away over Christmas for 16-18 years is a big ask. You said everyone else is off work so it’s a good time for them to go away - it’s a sad fact that it’s not a good time for you.

enjoy a peaceful day - I’m sure you can come up with a way to make some memories with your son

But the OP is the one complaining it's short notice? If she needs more notice for these things, she needs to raise it on her timescale. What she seems to have done is just assume her aging parents will always host her and that's not reasonable

You’ve said your family has ‘stately homes’ issues and that you’ve been on those threads. You describe a ‘golden child’ dynamic with your parents and sister.

With that being the case, you’re (sadly) being unrealistic to hope for fair, considerate treatment from your parents or sibling. And unwise to continue to ‘put yourself out there’ with them all, when it’s clear what will happen.

‘Family is important’ ethos is great, but when family aren’t treating you and your DC well it’s wishful thinking that things will be different. Some of your comments suggest that you might still be over optimistic about your family.

Would get back over to the Stately Homes threads and the resources on there.

And plan nice things for you and your DC for the festive period.

Are you the mother or the sister?! I assume op isn't a mind reader and not able to psychically know that discussions about Christmas are going on without her. I mean it's still only August, not the 1st December......

Surely it's also not okay to expect everyone to accommodate your needs for years on end?

I think that's sad. But you obviously have issues with them anyway so you might enjoy this Christmas more?

Maybe spend the time up to Christmas looking at ways to meet new people? Is there much going on in the area? Churches are good and community centres.

Sounds like mums had enough of hosting which she’s allowed to do. No doubt she felt like she’s had to host all these others years and now she wants a break.

Unfortunately your custody time even if you had the money makes an actual Christmas break impossible.

Because I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be coming home Boxing Day or arriving Boxing Day for an actually Christmas break. I’d want to be there before Christmas Eve and back after Boxing Day.

Does it suck, sure. Your not alone though ok Christmas Day you have your child and Boxing Day nearly everything’s open again like a normal day.

I think there’s a lot of cold and unfeeling responses here. Not everyone has a warm family, a wide social circle or plenty of disposable income and it’s not ok to just exclude someone from family Christmas plans based on money. Hardly the spirit of Christmas

But you could equally say that the OP is quite passive - doesn't sound like she proactively talked to them about Christmas either, just assumed her parents would host her without asking them

I’ve never been able to go away for Christmas as my kids want to see their dad on Boxing Day. That’s life. You can’t expect your family to change their plans to fit around your situation.

It’s interesting that dates and place are arranged between your sister and mother and then you are told when and where it is and asked if you want to come. That to me says they prioritise the holiday over spending time with you. Either that or this is a persistent family dynamic that may need breaking up. If you genuinely want to spend time with them, you need to let them know clearly ‘ah that’s a shame I can’t do those dates because of the court order and it’s also too expensive for me. I would love to go away with you all next time but would need to be involved in initial discussions about timings and cost’. Then if they do it again next year - rinse and repeat. Either they will be motivated to change or they won’t. There’s not much else you can do.

I read that as £700 per person and OP would have to pay for her child too. It is absolutely a lot of money for many people! There are 4 more pay days before Christmas (if you get your December pay early) and normally extra expenses at this time of year.

Absolutely, I doubt I'd be able to save that over the next 3 years.

Oh to be in a position where £700 is not a lot of money!

Your DM asked your sibling to tell you about the holiday so that doesn't sound like deliberately excluding you. Even if they had discussed it with you a few months ago you wouldn't have been able to afford it/get the time away from your DC's father. I do understand how being involved with the planning might make you feel more included, even if the end result was the same. In future, could your parents claim a free child place for your DC (although you may still end up paying a single person supplement)?

You don't have to be alone! Cook up a massive dinner and invite people over!

@Summersalmostover I apologise if this is just not a possibility due to court order etc but is there any chance you could ask ex to be flexible this time so your child gets to spend time with wider family? Could the request go through a mediator? Or could you go slightly different days/arrange own travel, with partial overlap?